Yet More Fragments
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Started on a third one to keep the chapter numbers down. Random ideas that aren't ready for prime time!
1. Chapter 1

**Improving Key Traits**

"Can I come with you please?" Dawn begged, batting her eyes and trying to think of anything she could do to convince Xander to take her with him, well anything she could get away with while her sister was present anyway.

Xander was acutely aware of two things, one everyone in the library was listening for his answer and two he couldn't just say no to those eyes. Thinking quickly he remembered Giles' latest discussion with him on diplomacy entitled 'If someone asks for the moon tell them you need authorization from god, or how to pass the buck without pissing people off'. "You'd need your mom's permission and some sort of consent form signed by her, cause taking a minor across state lines is a felony without parental consent."

"So a consent form for the trip and Mom's permission?" Dawn asked brightly, her mind already working on how to pull that off.

"Yep," Xander agreed readily.

"Woohoo!" Dawn cheered, hugging Xander and bouncing out of the room.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Buffy demanded.

"Something that doesn't concern you," Xander said mildly, showing that Giles' attempts to teach him diplomacy had helped with his temper problem.

"Doesn't concern me!? That's my little sister!"

Xander just stared at her. "You attempted to sacrifice a human being to save Angel. You almost succeeded in killing her. You stabbed a sister slayer in the gut because you wanted to use her as a human sacrifice."

"We need Angel!" Buffy protested, wondering what Faith had to do with this.

"No, in the end he's just one more fighter, worth maybe a half dozen armed humans and that's being generous. Of course after nearly killing Faith you tried to sacrifice your own life to save him, despite the fact that our whole plan depends on you luring the mayor into the school. You chose the life of a vampire over the lives of every man woman and child in this town, including Joyce and Dawn."

Buffy stared at him speechless. She'd been so focused on saving Angel that she'd ignored how important she was to the plan to stop the mayor.

"Let's look back a bit to where Angel lost his soul. Angelus was known for torturing and killing the families of people he was pissed at and you'd previously invited him into your house and despite all that you still weren't willing to kill him," Xander stopped, took a deep breath and slowly let it out along with some of his anger. "Yeah you loved Angel, but the fact is you put Joyce and Dawn in danger because you value his life more than theirs. So no, I don't think anything I do with Dawn is any of your business unless it involves slaying, which this doesn't. The only person whose opinion matters in this is Joyce. I trust Joyce, if Joyce says its fine, then I know it's okay. If Joyce says it's a bad idea, it's a bad idea."

"So my opinion means nothing?" Buffy exclaimed.

"Remember that plan you came up with which ended up with me unconscious on the street and night from Angel sucker punching me?" Xander asked. "You left me out of the loop and a demon saved me. I'd either be a vampire or a corpse right now if not for a friendly demon by the name of Clem. I awoke to fangs in my neck and pain in my jaw, just in time for Clem to save my life."

"There are friendly demons?" Cordelia asked.

Wesley nodded. "Not so rare as you'd think either, but since they tend not to make waves we rarely see them."

"What does this have to do with you trusting my opinion?" Buffy asked.

"Have you once heard me complain about it?" Xander asked bluntly.

"Well no, not unless this is a complaint," Buffy admitted.

"I'm bitching about it a bit because I had to adapt to the fact that there are friendly demons now, but not once have I complained about the plan. It was a good plan. Sure keeping me out of the loop almost cost me my life, but exposing Faith as a traitor was worth that risk, so no I don't think your opinion is worthless. In slaying matters I actually value your opinion unless it involves Angel. Your opinion on anything else I'll take with a grain of salt, but I will always listen to Joyce over anyone else when it comes to Dawn."

"B-But you cheated on Cordelia!" Buffy exclaimed getting to the heart of what was bugging her.

"And how many times did I risk my life to save hers while she was a total bitch to me?" Xander asked.

"A couple," Buffy admitted.

"And yet you think the fact that I cheated on Cordelia says more about me than the fact that I saved her life at the risk of my own while my life would have been more pleasant with her dead," Xander said thoughtfully. "I seem to recall you were dating the quarterback at your old school while seeing Pike behind his back."

"That was different!" Buffy protested, not expecting Xander to bring up or rather piece together the facts from her old stories.

Xander just looked at her. "Sure it was," he finally said, his voice saying it was anything but. "But back to what I was saying, the only person whose opinion I care about in this matter is Joyce's, period."

Joyce stepped out of Giles' office, where she had been having lunch with him. "You have my permission to take Dawn on your road trip."

Xander blinked stunned.

**After Graduation…**

"And the moment's done," Oz said.

"Good, because I have to pack," Xander said.

"You're not still going to drag my underage sister all across the US are you?" Buffy asked emphasizing the word underage.

"Why, because I'm not older than her great-grandfather and haven't let people die because I was a coward?" Xander asked innocently.

"Ouch," Oz said in the sudden silence.

"You really don't want to play this game with me Buffy," Xander said seriously. "You won't win and you just might lose a lot more than you bargained for."

"Angel isn't a coward," Buffy muttered.

"He was when you started dating him and you really don't want to get into a conversation about him either."

"What's with the sudden hostility?" Buffy asked.

"What in the world makes you think it's sudden? I think I've been consistently hostile towards him. The question is what's with the sudden hostility from you?"

"I just think she can do better," Buffy said only to pale as she realized what she'd said.

Xander's face might as well have been carved from stone for all the emotion he showed as he turned around and walked away.

Buffy started forward but Oz held her back. "Not a good idea."

"But I didn't mean," Buffy began.

"Yeah, you kinda did."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What's wrong?" Joyce asked.

Xander winced. "Am I that transparent?"

"I'm a mother; we're given special abilities to sense these things."

Xander chuckled. "Something Buffy said after asking if I was really going to drag her underage sister all over the US."

"Yes?"

"She said Dawn could do better," Xander admitted.

Joyce instantly engulfed him in a hug.

"And it's not like I'm saying me and Dawn are going to start dating or anything, but it hurts to have her think so little of me."

"Buffy, as much as I love her, isn't that great a judge of people. Look at who she's chosen to date," Joyce said dryly. "Her criteria for judging boys still rests on looks, popularity, money, how 'cool' they are. Now you Xander aren't a boy that girls would show off like a prize they won to increase their status."

Xander flinched.

"You are the kind of guy they want around as a friend because they know when things go wrong you can make things better."

Xander slumped.

"And you are the kind of guy women want to date, because what they look for in a man is completely different than what girls do."

"What?" Xander asked surprised.

"Hey mom," came Dawn's voice from upstairs. "Did you get my birth control refill and where's my brown jacket, the one with the pockets that Buffy likes to steal?"

"I put the refill in the top drawer of your dresser and check Buffy's closet," Joyce called up the stairs.

Xander stood frozen in place.

"Dawn is growing into quite the young woman," Joyce smirked at Xander's expression. "Hopefully in a couple of years Buffy will too."

"Do you think I'll need my hiking boots and camping gear?" Dawn called down.

"Bring the boots and gear but leave the tent," Joyce called back up.

"Will I need a sleeping bag or can I just share his?"

"Bring yours and you can zip them together. Two people in a single sleeping bag is a bit cramped."

"Can I take Mr. Gordo and mail ransom demands with pictures of him tied up and blindfolded in front of famous landmarks?"

Joyce chuckled. "Fine, but no mailing bits of him home as evidence. He has to be in one piece when you get back."

"Deal! Let me know when Xander gets here!"

"He's here now."

"Xander if you have any objections to my evil plans speak now or give up all resistance," Dawn called down.

Xander smiled as Dawn came bouncing down the stairs in faded blue jeans and a Metallica shirt that was thin enough to almost see her bra through. She had a duffle bag and a backpack and had tied her hair back in a ponytail.

"I've got a purse and a suitcase in addition to this, hope it's not too much."

Xander grabbed the aforementioned items from the living room placing the purse on her duffel. "Nah, this is perfect and there'll be plenty of room in the trunk."

"Good. I'm not a clothes horse like my sister, but a woman simply has to have some necessities," Dawn said mock haughtily.

Xander laughed. "Well Madam, I'll put these in the car and offer my active assistance in your evil plans concerning Mr. Gordo," he swore before going to start the car and put away the luggage.

Dawn blinked and looked at her mom. "I have evil plans involving Mr. Gordo?"

Joyce laughed and hugged her daughter. "I expect some postcards and a call every week or so. Have fun."

"I will," Dawn promised. "How could I not when I get to have Xander all to myself?" She chuckled evilly as she left.

Joyce smiled and started a pot of coffee, she'd hardly finished her first cup when Buffy came in looking for her.

"Um mom, can I talk to you for a minute?" Buffy asked hesitantly. "I have a problem and I may have made a huge mistake," she paused for a moment. "Again."

"Sure dear," Joyce said pouring Buffy a cup since she knew there was going to be a long conversation.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**Road Trip!**

Xander grinned as the passed the burned out high school. "We're on our way!"

"I can't believe it!" Dawn squealed. "Are you sure this isn't some dream?"

"If so I don't plan on waking up till August," Xander replied.

"Sounds like a plan," she agreed still shocked that she was going to get to spend the next two months with Xander without her older sister getting in the way.

"Wish I'd had a bit more time to work on the engine though," Xander said just before the world around them vanished in a swirl of color and sound, leaving them standing by the side of the road in front of a truck stop.

"What just happened?" Dawn asked as she looked around.

Xander grabbed her hand. "Run," he said pulling her along as they sprinted for the diner, just as the two semis parked at the gas station's islands roared to life. The few seconds it took the big brown Kenworth and the semi with a big Green Goblin mask glued to its grill to start moving proved to be enough time for Xander to get inside with Dawn.

After they took a few minutes to stop panting and calm down, Dawn said "Ok, pretend I asked some intelligent questions and then dumb it down for me."

"Only if you'll do the same for me," Xander replied, as they both crouched beneath a table in one of the booths.

"You don't know?" Dawn asked beginning to worry.

"Fraid not. I can honestly say nothing like this has ever happened to me before."

"Then how did you know we had to run?"

"Ever seen the movie Maximum Overdrive?"

"A long time…"Dawns voice trailed off and her eyes shot open. "Ok, now I know why this looks familiar. All the machines have been taken over and given some sort of sentience by a UFO, right?"

"You got it in one. I've got all of Stephen King's movies on tape so I recognized it at once."

"So what do we do?"

"No idea. Unlike the movie I'm not seeing anyone here but us."

"So keep out of sight, search for clues, and take everything valuable that's not nailed down?" Dawn suggested. At Xander's surprised look she shrugged. "I've played D&D before."

"That's an excellent plan, just remember, survival first."

"Of course," Dawn promised. "How about you check behind the front counter, while I look in the backroom?"

"Good plan, but I think I should check the bathroom first," Xander said.

"Why?"

"Because I have to pee," Xander replied.

Dawn laughed. "Ok, bathroom then backroom. Meanwhile I'll be crawling my buns over to see if there is anything behind the counter."

"Aye, aye captain."

"I'm off," Dawn said, making sure to stretch and show off her curves before crawling to the front.

Xander blinked a couple of times, took a deep breath and reminded himself that she was several years younger than he was before he started crawling towards the bathrooms, passing various sales displays on his right as the store/diner was set to cater to the truckers and tourists that passed by. Glancing to his left at every booth he was relieved to find them all clean and empty. He wasn't sure what was going on but the lack of people meant they either weren't' here or they were here but were no longer people and he'd rather find the corpses now than have Dawn stumble upon them later.

Safely out of view of the windows, Xander stood up and rubbed his knees. Crawling on dirt and grass was a lot easier than tile floors. He followed the hall to the left where the signs pointed and was happy to discover the bathrooms were clean and empty of people being several single person unisex bathrooms with lockable doors, rather than large tiled affairs with a plethora of stalls he'd have to check one by one to make sure no one was hiding in them.

Dawn stood up as she got behind the counter and safely out of view of the windows. Looking around she saw a couple of monitors set at an angle below the counter that showed views of outside and strangely enough some showers. She didn't remember the movie that well but she was sure it featured a much less modern truck stop. A touch screen computer sat beside the register and Dawn paged through the menu's finding controls for the interior temp and to close the blinds.

Xander was happy to see the showers at the other end of the hall. He didn't recall seeing them in the movie, but he knew most truck stops had them and if they were stuck here for any length of time they'd make things much more comfortable. Satisfied that nothing was hiding back there Xander returned to the edge of the hall and prepared to crawl towards the front when he saw a display that made him smile. He'd never heard of the Arizona Ice Hawks, but the hockey gear included knee pads which he gratefully put on and grabbed another set for Dawn.

Dawn watched Xander crawl across the store as she familiarized herself with the commands. Climbing to his feet next to her he offered her a pair of kneepads. "Here. Bathrooms are empty and we have clean showers if we need them."

Dawn put on the knee pads and knelt in front of Xander under the pretense of trying them out. Grabbing hold of his hips 'for balance' she smiled up at him. "Thanks Xander, these are so comfortable I could be on my knees for hours without strain."

"Yeah," a suddenly red faced Xander agreed.

Seeing Xander was frozen and not going to say anything more, Dawn decided to stop being so subtle. Wrapping her arms around him she hugged him to her pressing her cheek against his crotch before slowly rising to her feet rubbing against him as she rose.

"I promised your mom I would be a perfect gentleman," Xander groaned.

"Do you know what Mom told me the definition of a perfect gentleman is?" Dawn asked, before kissing the side of his neck.

"What?"

"Mom told me a perfect gentleman was a man who would do for you what you would do for him."

"I doubt she meant it this way."

"I have a signed statement from one Joyce Summers stating that she consents to me having a sexual relationship with one Alexander Harris," Dawn purred.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: This was my first attempt at a Disgaea type crossover.**


	2. Chapter 2

**In His Blood**

Xander looked through the paper again. There had to be something in his price range, because the alternative was unthinkable. 'How about a warehouse?' he thought to himself. Sunnydale seemed to have an infinite number of unused warehouses, but the search turned up nothing useable. Low on hope, he started reading the section on boats, recalling hearing about houseboats and discovered something that perked his interest. Spacious cabin aboard a ship, free utilities and cable, furnished. It was almost too good to be true, but then nothing ventured, nothing gained. Starting up his car, he headed for the docks.

Hopefully it'd work out, because the only other choice was living in his parents' basement, and he really didn't want to go there. He'd only gotten as far as Oxford before his car had died and it'll taken quite a chunk of his road trip fund and a week's worth of wages as a dishwasher at a strip club to get it fixed, or and one night of pay as a stripper… which he really didn't feel like talking about… ever. So here he was back in Sunnydale a week and a half after he'd left.

"I don't recall the docks being this foggy," Xander muttered, glad it was still daylight out, so he didn't have to worry about vamps jumping him in the fog. Pulling into a parking place, he quickly hopped out and searched for the berth listed in the ad. "Berth thirteen," Xander said, and for a brief moment through the fog he thought he saw an old fashioned wooden sailing ship, before the fog was blown away and he saw an old Carnival cruise line he had to choose any one word to describe it, it would be Gi-normous. It was the kind of ship that could carry about a thousand tourists in style from port to port while keeping them entertained.

"Is there even room for a ship that size on the dock?" Xander asked in disbelief. The fog rolled across his field of view for a moment before revealing a much smaller cruise ship, about a tenth of its previous size. Xander froze, but after a couple of minutes of waiting he began to feel a bit silly. Just because something strange was going on, didn't mean it was hostile…right? Xander sighed. "I knew the price was too good to be true."

Resigning himself to living in his parents' basement, he took one last look and saw a blonde girl looking at a section of newspaper before stepping aboard. "Shit!" Xander groaned as the fog covered the end of the pier again and he started running towards the ship through the fog, for what seemed an excessively long time. He ran up the gang plank, making the chains rattle and leapt aboard the ship, just behind the blonde girl who screamed and clutched her paper like it was a cross and he was a vampire.

Gasping for breath he fell to his knees. "Ship… Bad mojo," he managed to blurt out.

The blonde's eyes darted about as if seeing everything for the first time. "I d-didn't notice."

"Escape quickly!" he panted out waving her towards the gangplank.

"It's gone," she said staring over the rail.

Xander climbed to his feet. "Gone?" He turned and saw open water with no trace of shore. "Yeah, that's gone alright."

"Wh-what's going on?" the girl stuttered out.

"I don't know," Xander admitted. "I came here to see about renting a room when I saw a ship far too large to fit the dock and then fog obscured my view for a moment and then it was a smaller ship. I was planning on just resigning myself to living in my parents' basement, but then you came aboard, so there was mucho running to warn you, but…" He shrugged.

"And n-now we're at sea," she said.

"Looks that way," he admitted. "Xander," he introduced himself.

"Tara," she replied shyly.

"Nice to meet you, even if the situation is a bit hellmouthy."

"Hellmouthy?"

"La Boca Del Inferno," he explained.

"Idiot's hell?" she guessed.

"Oh you watch anime," he said surprised and guessing why she'd gotten it wrong. "Nah, it's Spanish for the Hellmouth."

"W-well at least we're not in idiot's hell," she offered.

He laughed. "Thanks, usually I have to make all the jokes when something like this happens."

"This ha-has happened before?" she stuttered nervously.

"Not that I know of, but I've been stuck in my fair share of weird events, so first we find weapons and then we find out what's going on."

"Okay," she said willing to follow someone who seemed to know what was going on.

With Xander in the lead they snuck inside the first open door they saw and found themselves inside what looked like a captain's cabin from a pirate movie, nautical charts laid out on a table, oil lantern hanging on the wall, large bed covered in different colored pillows and silk blankets.

To Xander's great joy, he found a cutlass and a tricorn hat, both of which he immediately donned.

Tara found a dagger and slipped it in her purse, a large Levi number that could almost double as a backpack. "Why the hat?" she asked.

"I've got a cutlass, I might as well wear the hat," Xander replied with a grin, trying to keep their spirits up.

Tara took a red silk handkerchief off the table and tied it around her head, making Xander smile. "R-ready when you are captain," she said.

Opening the door they saw it now opened up onto the main deck of an old wooden sailing ship. The two cautiously ventured out and spotted a man dressed… like a pirate; ruffled white shirt, dungaree pants, leather boots. The only he was missing was a tricorn had and a cutlass.

"So, you've finally come," the man said, not even looking at them as he leaned on the rail and stared out at the sea.

"Yes, and now we would like to leave," Xander said putting a hand on the hilt of the cutlass.

"We?!" The man quickly turned and saw the two of them. "I'm sorry, I was only expecting one person, but I guess the sea called you both. Well you'll have to flip a coin to decide, because I'm tired and ready to rest."

"Decide what?!" Xander exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, I haven't told ya yet. Sorry, seems like a century since I've talked to another living soul. This is the Flying Dutchman, and I'm Will Turner," he waked up to the two looking like he wouldn't be more than twenty at most, his dirty blond hair blowing behind him.

"Xander Harris, confused," he said moving in between Will and Tara.

"I wouldn't hurt her," Will said. "I don't want to hurt anyone. Listen, I'm the captain and it's my job to ensure the souls of sailors get where they're going, but I was lured in and trapped by an evil man nearly a century ago. God only knows why, but the how is easy to understand," Will rattled off.

"Why are we here?" Xander asked seeing that Will had gone a bit off, stuck by himself for so long.

"The shackles holding he here are weakening," Will explained. "I asked the sea to call for a new captain, savy?

"Not even a little," Xander said confused. "Can we just say no?"

Will groaned. "Don't be difficult, one of you has to become the new captain, while the other can walk away, but for that to happen I need to be stabbed in the heart, oh!"

Will stumbled back, a wooden stake sticking out of the left side of his chest.

Tara looked horrified as she backed away.

"Did you just stick a wooden stake in my chest?" Will asked stunned.

"Sorry," Xander apologized, "but now you get to rest, I get your curse, and she gets to return home, right?"

"No, because my heart isn't in my chest," Will said exasperated. "And I liked this shirt. Elizabeth got it for me."

"You just stabbed him in the chest," Tara said, pale. "And he's not even bleeding."

"Yeah, I'm used to dealing with vamps and they always have their hearts on them."

"Well, don't blame me," Will said, "Wilkins ran off with my heart, so you need to find it and then stab it."

"And the one doing so gets cursed, got it," Xander said.

"It's not really a curse," Will argued. "I mean, eternal youth, heal from anything, travel anywhere on the water. Oh, and you get to command a giant squid called The Leviathan."

"And never set foot on land but once every century?" Xander asked, recalling a bit about the legend.

"Not even," Will waved it off. "That's a great exaggeration. You can set foot on land whenever you like, but only during leap day can you rest and heal on land. You need to be on the boat to rest and heal the rest of the time, well excepting the whole fall back extra hour on daylight savings time, but at most it's just a nap then."

"Then why have you been on board this entire time?" Xander asked.

"Because he used my heart to make me stay here," Will explained. "Now Wilkins is a tough customer, and while I can't get off this boat, I can move the gangplank to another pier."

"And one of us has to take the gig?" Xander asked, thinking it didn't sound all that bad really.

"There are countless souls trapped in between that need to move on," Will said. "Someone has to help them."

"Trapped?" Tara asked.

"Exactly," Will said. "I help souls get to where they're going, well ones who died at sea anyway."

"Well… I always wanted job security with health and dental," Xander joked. "How do I find your heart?"

"I've got a magic compass…"

**Shortly…**

Tara consulted the compass again, before leading Xander deeper into the cemetery. "Th-this way."

**Typing by : ****chrono2x!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Gotta Wear Shades - At least he had the legs for it, half the time.**

The Senshi and their advisors had all gathered together in Rei's Temple on Usagi's eighteenth birthday.

Setsuna smiled and held up a small box. "This box holds the ascension key. When the princess of the Moon reached her majority in the Silver Millennium, it was used to confirm her as the heir and teach her everything she needed to know to be a good queen."

"Teach?" Ami asked curiously, wondering if there was something similar for Mercury.

"Yes. The crystal answers any questions asked or thought of from the royal archives. So if a young princess was unsure of the etiquette of a situation or needed to know the laws pertaining to something she'd simply mentally ask the crystal and it would reply the same way. It's part of the reason the line of Serenity was renowned for their knowledge and wisdom." Setsuna smiled.

"Why couldn't you have given that to me when I was still in high school?!" Usagi moaned.

Setsuna rolled her eyes. "It's most effective when used to build on existing knowledge, which is part of the reason it's not given until the heir reaches majority."

"What's the other part?" Ami asked curiously.

"It's connected to ALL the books in the royal library, and after a rather young princess got a crush on her personal guard and used the crystal to access all of the books on seduction techniques and Lunarian sex manuals, it was decided to limit the crystal to adults."

Usagi got an evil (for her) grin and rubbed her hands together while giggling pervertedly.

***WHAP!***

"Ow!" Usagi rubbed her head where the shrine maiden had whacked her with a paper fan. "Rei, you meany!"

Everyone ignored Usagi's complaint and hoped the crystal provided some maturity, but not too much, to their immature but fun princess.

"You're so going to be my first victim," Usagi muttered just loud enough for everyone to hear.

"What?!" Rei asked, eyes wide.

"Nothing," Usagi replied with an innocent look on her face and a halo over her head.

Setsuna sighed. "Uagi, stop using the Ginzuisho to make halos, they only make you look more guilty."

"But I'm not doing it on purpose!" Usagi protested.

Michiru slipped Haruka five hundred yen while Setsuna tried to get things back on track. "Anyway, traditionally the high priestess of Mars would lead the ceremony, but that was generally a grueling twelve hour affair in uncomfortable clothes so instead I'll handle it." Setsuna opened the box and said, "Find Serenity's Heir."

A softly glowing blue gem levitated itself into the air, sparkled for a second, and then vanished through an open window.

Everyone turned to Setsuna.

Setsuna stared out the window, stunned. "It would only do that if a blood heir of Serenity had survived."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma almost paused while eating her bento, made by Kasumi, when she felt her danger sense start to tingle. Her eyes darted around, but she couldn't see the source of the danger. Shampoo and Ukyo were sitting with her, not arguing for once, and Akane was with her two friends, no doubt complaining about Ranma sitting with them, but she wasn't angry enough to attack her yet, nor was she trying to feed Ranma any of her poisonous cooking.

So what was setting off her instincts?

Ranma turned to look the other way just as a glowing blue gem slammed into her forehead with enough force to make her somersault twice before landing on her back. Ranma was immediately knocked unconscious, but her right hand still darted out and caught the last morsel of food from her lunch, instinctively bringing it to her mouth and swallowing it before dropping limply to the ground.

Shampoo and Ukyo dropped their lunches and examined the unconscious martial artist.

"The force of the blow must have knocked him out," Ukyo said. "And that gem doesn't look like it's coming out for anything short of surgery."

Shampoo nodded. "Ranma seem ok, just had knock to head, but gem could be bad magic. Need great-grandmother to have look at."

Ukyo groaned. "I'm sure other people don't have things like this happen to them every other day."

Shampoo shrugged. "Ranma attract too, too strange events." She grinned. "Life with Ranma never be boring, neh?"

Ukyo nodded. "And while that may be great fun on the weekends, it does tend to disrupt the restaurant business."

Shampoo shrugged again. "Is good thing Shampoo only work in restaurant as something to do than."

"Something to think about," Ukyo said, before helping Shampoo pick Ranma up.

"Yeah, sound like Spat-ahem, Ukyo only really enjoy having Ranma around during weekend, so business normal during week."

"I think I'd enjoy having him over at night as well," Ukyo protested, blushing brightly as she realized what she'd said.

Shampoo nodded. "Have house away from restaurant with too, too big bed?"

Ukyo frowned as she figured out what Shampoo was hinting about, but Akane's voice broke her out of it.

"What's the lunkhead done now?" Akane groaned, already knowing she didn't want to get involved in whatever Ranma was mixed up in this time. Really, was it too much to ask that her unwanted fiancé live a normal life?

"Ranma honey was just eating his lunch when **bam**, a glowing jewel imbedded itself in his forehead," Ukyo explained.

Akane blinked, and they could see she was trying to get mad, but in the end she just sighed. "Fine, you guys take him to Cologne, and I'll let the school know you'll be busy.

"You're not coming along?" Ukyo asked.

"I'm tired of dealing with all the weirdness, besides it was Kasumi who wanted excitement, I wanted some peace and quiet," Akane said grumpily before heading off to class.

"And once again, Shampoo save violent girl's life," Shampoo announced as they carried Ranma towards the Cat Café.

"Eh, how?"

"Shampoo not pound violent girl into something flat enough to cook on Ukyo's grill for being disrespectful of husband."

"How do you figure?"

"Akane not love Ranma or wouldn't be so dismissive or problems, and yet still not let go."

"I'm sure she cares for him and she just can't stand aside because of family honor."

"No said she not care, said she not love, and Shampoo never see her care about honor when yelling lies and breaking engagement because of temper."

"I'd like to argue with you," Ukyo said, leaving 'but I can't' left unsaid but understood.

"Ukyo show she love husband. Ukyo actually listen to Ranma's half-clear rants when he end up in crazy situations, and give up vengeance quest when see what kind of guy Ranma is, golf ball in sand trap."

"That would be diamond in the rough," Ukyo explained after a moment of thought.

"No, diamond in Ranma's head, that why we going to see great-grandmother."

Ukyo wisely fell silent.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Venus glanced around uneasily, drawing Mercury's attention. "What's wrong?" Mercury asked, glancing up from the Mercury computer that she was using to track the gem's path.

"I don't know, I just feel this sudden urge to sue somebody for copyright infringement."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The trance is fading too fast to follow," Mercury complained.

"Try using the Ginzuisho to strengthen the trace," Pluto suggested.

Moon nodded and closed her eyes for a moment, causing her brooch to glow brightly, but Mercury shook her head. "It's no use, it's gone."

"Back to base everyone," Moon announced, taking charge for once. "We're not going to find it by wandering around blindly, and Mars may have found something in the meantime."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Shampoo and Ukyo stared at Cologne and wondered how they'd get answers now. Cologne had been more than a little concerned that Ranma hadn't woken, but then a crescent moon had appeared on Ranma's forehead and Cologne had fallen off her staff laughing. Every time she'd catch her breath either Ukyo or Shampoo had tried asking her a question and she's start back up again.

"I wish I knew where we could get some answers," Ukyo said, stroking Ranma's forehead.

"The Hino shrine, Juuban prefecture," Ranma said clearly, talking in his sleep.

"Well, that was easy," Ukyo said, nonplussed.

**Typing by: Elrod Albino**


	4. Chapter 4

**First Knight 4**

"It's a Rodent of unusual size, and we aren't in the fire swamp," Xander told Buffy.

"And you aren't Buttercup," Dawn added.

Xander chuckled.

"What do the Powerpuff girls have to do with anything?" Buffy asked.

Dawn and Xander burst out laughing.

"I never made you watch the Princess Bride?" Willow asked.

"We haven't had a movie night in forever," Buffy replied, "and when we did, they kept on getting interrupted."

"Being the blond of the trio, Buffy would be Bubbles." Dawn pointed out. "Blossom was the red-head, like Willow. That leaves you as Buttercup."

Xander stuck his tongue out at Dawn. "Giles just didn't have the legs for the mini-dress."

The loud and unnatural wavering cry of the creature sounded once more, a lot closer than it had been.

"But seriously, where are the weapons?" Buffy asked.

Xander walked over to the fireplace and grabbed the fireplace poker. "It's a rat, don't be so melodramatic."

"Giant, mutated, flesh-eating-" Willow listed out only to be interrupted by a loud snarl as the creature rushed in from the hall.

It had patchy grey fur and hard, leathery skin, but the large red eyes and mouth full of razor sharp teeth were what really drew attention. As it rose up on its hind legs and launched itself at Xander it almost looked bipedal, like a branch of the rodent family tree that was rejected because of rot and decay.

Xander's swing caught it in the chest. The snapping ribs were clearly audible as it was thrown back, the iron hook on the poker tearing into it and sending a glittering spray of crimson into the air. Its growl was wet and filled with the horrid burble of a partially collapsed lung filling with blood, but it didn't slow it in the slightest as it attacked once more. It wasn't a fight, it was butchery, as Xander methodically took the three foot tall, sixty-five pound mass of muscle, tooth and claw apart with the poker, shattering bones and tearing flesh with a bored look on his face and a complete disregard for blood splatter.

"Oh Goddess, I think I'm going to be sick," Willow hyperventilated as Xander wiped blood off his face.

"Do you know how much you look like a serial killer right now?" Kennedy asked.

Xander shrugged and returned the bloodstained poker to its place. "The first time is disturbing, but the fourteenth time is just dull."

"I thought it was supposed to be giant," Buffy said.

A duplicate of Willow appeared wearing clothes, jewelry and makeup that marked her as Solstice. "The average rat is only six to eight inches, three feet is a significant increase."

"I am going to go clean the blood off," Xander announced. "Don't leave the lobby until I get back."

"I'll go with you so you don't leave bloody handprints on everything," Dawn volunteered, walking around the pool of blood surrounding the dead creature.

"It's really not that big a problem," Xander said.

"Don't care," Dawn said heading for the elevator "I'm going to help."

"OK," he agreed, following her to the elevator.

"Violence and terror," Solstice said as the elevator doors closed, "few things are quite as satisfying." She hummed happily and the sound of an orchestra playing joined her as she danced, tracking blood everywhere.

"I'm disturbed, is anyone else disturbed?" Willow babbled.

"At least she's not barefoot," Buffy offered.

"Barefoot?" Solstice questioned.

"Don't give her ideas," Willow groaned.

Solstice kicked off her shoes (a very attractive retro pair of black pumps, Buffy noted), which faded into nothing a foot from her, and stepped barefoot in the blood. "It's squishy."

"Sorry," Buffy apologized to Willow.

"Is it wrong-" Kennedy began then stopped. "Nevermind."

"This is quite nice, very visceral," Solstice said.

*****0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

***Ring*Ring***

"Hello?" Dawn answered.

"Did you get a call from an evil clone of you and tell her to tell Xander to kick me out?" Buffy demanded.

"Why, hello Buffy, it's good to hear your voice too. I'm fine, and how are you?" Dawn replied with false cheer.

"Hello, Dawn," Buffy said with a sigh. "I'd love to make small talk, but we have a bit of a situation here."

"Oh no!" Dawn said dramatically, "Is it life or death? Or worse, GASP! … is Xander going to have sex?"

Buffy groaned. "Dawn…do you actually want him to have sex with an evil clone of you?"

"It'll be good practice for him," Dawn replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm doing inventory on the council's records and redoing the inventory for everything from Sunnydale. Someone did a real sloppy job, not even naming them properly."

Buffy winced. "We were rushed at the time."

"Well, I have to redo them all, so I'll talk to you later! Bye!" Dawn hung up the phone. Scratching her back with the Ferrula Gemini, she sighed and got back to work.

*****0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Wait a second," Buffy said, "Good practice?"

**Typing by : Elrod Albino!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Bodyguards**

Willow finished casting the spell and a wave of blue fire swept over the table. "Done," she announced.

"How can we tell?" Dawn asked.

"Ask a question," Faith suggested and then grinned as she recalled hearing rumors about an embarrassing moment between Giles and Joyce from Ethan. "Like, who here has had sex with Joyce Summers?"

"I have," Giles and Xander chorused.

Everyone turned to stare at Xander, who'd covered his mouth in horror.

"How many times?" Faith asked.

"Once," Giles said as Xander replied, "Dozens!"

"Dozens?!" the Summers sisters chorused in horror.

Xander tried to get up, but the two were sitting on either side of him and grabbed his arms, pinning him in place. "Dozens," he agreed helplessly.

"When was the first time?" Faith asked.

"I was possessed by a hyena my sophomore year in high school and it put the moves on her," Xander admitted.

"You raped my mom?!" Buffy demanded.

"If by rape you mean, came on strong and ended up completely dominated and educated, yes," Xander agreed.

"Oh." Buffy calmed down, blushing heavily.

"How about the second time?" Faith asked curiously.

"Just a couple of months later, a little boy was beaten into a coma and made most of the town's nightmares come true. It turns out that Joyce was a bit insecure since the divorce and since the only action she had was me, when I 'smoked something I shouldn't have' as my excuse for the hyena event, she was afraid she was turning into one of those older women who basically stalked and begged young men for sex. It was horribly degrading on her part, so once the nightmare ended I did my best to recreate it with me doing the begging to restore her confidence."

"That's…nice of you," Buffy said awkwardly. Dawn was just staring at him in horror.

Faith tried not to say it, but the words spilled out anyway, "And then?"

"During Halloween…did you know your mother had dressed as a Vietnamese prostitute? She promised to love me long time, but the character she dressed as was drunk, so really it was a quickie while everyone else was downstairs."

"None of th-those were your fault," Buffy offered with a wince.

"And then?" Faith asked.

"The love spell fiasco…I did mention Joyce was skilled and could be very dominating, yes?"

"I believe so," Giles said slowly.

"And of course, one more time after the spell was broken, since it was a chasing situation again and I didn't want her to associate it with the nightmare," Xander added.

"N-not your fault," Buffy said shakily.

"And then?" Faith asked, causing Buffy to glare at her.

"Remember the student and teacher ghosts in the school? Well, guess what they did on her desk in between classes? I managed to convince her it was just a little role-play and that she was only going along with it not to hurt my feelings, because I was emotionally fragile. I don't even know why she was at the school that day."

"And-" Faith began before Buffy jumped in, "No and then!"

"And then, and then, and then, and then!" Faith rattled off, much to everyone's horror.

"The band candy really did a number on her and her chocolate smeared lips got me too. Of course I didn't know about the chocolate until much later, so I'd thought that was just her role-playing," Xander explained.

"Not completely your fault," Buffy allowed.

"And then you asked me to distract her during the Hansel and Gretel demon incident…and then after the cruciamentum we had a few drinks to calm her down… I also have some vague memories of the mage who cursed the beer and the next thing I know I'm waking up in bed with Joyce again."

"And then?"

Everyone turned to Dawn who covered her own mouth in shock, unable to believe she'd done that.

"Faith switched bodies with Joyce that one time, though I'm not sure she remembers it, because she got really drunk once she saw what we'd done with her body, but to be fair, we were both pretty plastered as well," Xander said.

"No-one should use lawn furniture that way!" Faith exclaimed wide eyed as the memories hit her.

"Give us the rest really quick!" Kennedy ordered, causing Willow to smack her in the shoulder. "It'll be quick!"

"Johnathan's perfect world had Joyce as my secret lover, Dracula's mind control was only really broken because Joyce has a skilled tongue and the time I was split in two had Joyce calling in a favor I owed her."

Dawn and Buffy fled the room screaming, "Aaarrrgh!"

"And that should take care of Buffy's request for a truth spell," Giles said satisfied.

"Nice acting," Kennedy agreed.

"Acting?" Willow asked with a sickly smile.

"I did ask you to fake a truth spell so we could avoid violating anyone's privacy," Giles reminded her.

"Yeah, but then I thought about Buffy's reasoning and a truth spell sounded like a good idea…" Willow trailed off.

"And the lawn gnomes!" Faith exclaimed, while being comforted by Woods. "I can still see the haunted look in their eyes!"

Everyone turned to Xander.

"I'm not apologizing," he said firmly.

**Typing by: Elrod Albino!**

**AN: Made this because someone mentioned that Joyce/Xander fics were almost non-existent. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Once More, With … Wait, What?!**

"I challenge," Xander said, shocking everyone.

"What?" Sweet asked, turning away from Dawn.

Everyone turned to Xander, wondering what he was doing.

"I challenge you for Dawn's hand," Xander said. "I win, I get Dawn. I lose, you get us both."

Anya sighed. "This was a short engagement."

"Sorry, Honey -," Xander began.

"No, I get it," Anya interrupted him.

"A challenge?" Sweet asked, amused.

"Dance challenge," Xander said, horrifying everyone who knew him.

"You dance like a pregnant baboon with two club feet!" Willow exclaimed.

"You suck," Buffy said frankly.

"I've seen you dance," Spike said. "Cordelia is a better singer than you are a dancer."

"Ow!" Xander said. "Have some faith people."

"Praying for a miracle is not a good plan," Giles told him.

Sweet laughed. "I accept your offer."

"I need to stop by the bank, and a store, as well to get my dancing clothes," Xander told him.

"Is this a trick?" Sweet asked curiously.

"No," Xander assured him. "I just need my props and clothes."

"You have an hour," Sweet told him.

"Ok." Xander turned to Anya. "I need my blue bag from the back of the closet."

"Oh," Anya said in understanding.

"Meet you back here in an hour," Xander told Sweet, as he hurried out of the Bronze.

Anya took off her necklace and removed a ring from it, handing it to Dawn. "I'll be right back."

"Is everyone as lost as me?" Dawn asked, absently putting on the ring.

"Yes," Willow agreed. "I mean, Xander really sucks at dancing."

"How do we know you'll judge fairly?" Giles asked.

"It doesn't matter," Buffy told him, "Xander can't dance to save his life, unless he's been taking lessons?" she asked hopefully.

"We saw him and Anya at the Bronze last Saturday," Willow said, "He hasn't been taking lessons."

"He'll be judged fairly because you'll all be the judges," Sweet said. "Keep in mind, however, this little limerick 'Liar liar, pants on fire." He burst into laughter that was echoed by the score of demons surrounding them.

"Rather than combusting from dancing, we'll combust if we lie," Giles said in understanding.

"So this just gives him one more chance at burning us as well as Xander's soul," Buffy said bitterly.

"Have some faith," Tara said, speaking up. "It's not too much to ask, is it?"

"No, it's not," Dawn said firmly.

"I've seen him dance," Spike said. "He needs either a miracle or… no he needs a miracle, though I've heard he pulled off one or two before."

Anya returned with a Gym bag while they all sat there wondering what he was planning.

"Can Xander win?" Buffy asked Anya.

Anya nodded. "I admit I'm more than a little biased, even if he is trading me in for a younger model, but –"

"Trading you in for a younger model?" Willow interrupted.

"He's just doing this to save, Dawn," Buffy assured her.

"The challenge is for Dawn's hand," Anya said. "It's a binding vow and he couldn't have made it unless he loved her at least a little."

"Giles?" Buffy asked.

"I hadn't thought of that aspect," Giles said. "I have to say Anya's analysis is spot on."

"He's in love with Dawn?" Spike asked, genuinely surprised.

"It requires love, not specifically romantic love," Tara offered.

"So?" Dawn asked Anya.

"Love but no lust," Anya told her bluntly, "But don't worry, he's easy."

The door opened and Xander came in carrying a pipe and wearing his tool belt with a Sunnydale bank bag hanging off it.

"Twenty minutes to spare," Sweet noted. "Capoeira or limbo?" he guessed.

"Neither," Xander assured him, setting the pipe down and dumping the bag on the table revealing a handful of envelopes and a couple of bundles of ones. "Would you like to go first?"

"What style are we competing in?" Sweet asked curiously.

"Stripping," Xander replied with a grin.

"What?!" came the nearly universal chorus.

"Well played," Sweet said with open admiration. "It is a form of dance I'm not very familiar with, and being human, you'll evoke a much more positive response among your friends, who are the judges."

"It's not that one sided," Xander told him. "Anya was a demon until recently, Buffy has a mental block, preventing her from seeing me as a male, two of the girls here aren't attracted to men, and those two are men."

Sweet grinned. "A fair contest, well if I must."

"You must, you must," Xander quoted, causing a number of people to laugh.

"I don't want my little sister to see you stripping," Buffy complained.

"Before you do something stupid and get me cosigned to hell for all eternity, I think I'll start quoting your Diary about things you did at my age," Dawn said.

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Buffy, removing Dawn from the judging removes the one person I am positive will be honestly favoring Xander based on her personal tastes," Giles explained.

"And one time at cheerleading camp –" Dawn began.

"Objection withdrawn!" Buffy exclaimed.

**Possible endings…**

"And the winner is… Sweet," Anya announced once she counted up the ones taken from the performer's G-strings.

"If Dawn had been allowed to participate I'd have won," Xander said with a sigh; "Or if Buffy hadn't stuffed all her money down Sweet's G-string."

"I'm sorry, I just didn't find your dance erotic," Buffy said with a wince. "And Spike also stuffed all his cash down Sweet's pants!"

"He sold it," Spike said with a shrug. "Xander had no interest in me at all and it showed, while Sweet put his hips into it."

"He was also technically proficient and adopted quickly," Anya added.

Sweet snapped his fingers and Xander and Dawn vanished in a burst of flame along with all the demons, leaving the Scoobs in the empty club.

"Well, shit!" Tara cursed.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Despite receiving all of Buffy's ones, including the ones from her purse," Anya paused to glare at her, "Xander won by a large margin."

"I have been fairly defeated," Sweet admitted with a sigh. "Just as I defeated the king before me. You have won… Sire."

"What?" Xander asked as a wave of flames washed over him and Dawn, leaving them… changed.

"Behold your new selves!" Sweet called out, causing the surrounding demons to cheer the young, red-skinned couple, who's attractiveness had been turned up to eleven.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"I have been fairly defeated," Sweet admitted. "You have won my queen as your own and sent me packing. Still, it's not a total loss."

Female demons were crowded around the stage five deep with flames dancing in their eyes as they eyed Sweet.

"In fact, I'd have to say I came out ahead on this deal." He chuckled. "Ciao." With a snap of his fingers all of the demons vanished in a burst of flames, leaving the Scoobs alone in the empty club.

"The next town he's summoned to is in for a treat," Spike said with a snicker.

"Ok, now that, that's done, Dawn you can give Xander back his G-string," Buffy said.

"Never!"

"Give it here!" Buffy exclaimed.

"One more step and I'll cut you!"

"Where'd you get that knife?!"

"I'm keeping the chaps," Tara told Willow.

"What?"

"I think they'd look good on you," she admitted, blushing.

"Oh!"

"Anything to say?" Giles asked Xander, who was laying on the stage, trying to catch his breath.

"Where'd this wedding ring come from?" Xander asked staring at his hand.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"And… it's a tie," Anya announced, having counted the stacks of money twice to make sure.

Sweet tapped his chin. "I hadn't expected that. I suppose it's a push. I don't get you, but you don't get her either."

Xander tightened the laces on his boot, raising eyebrows on why he'd put on his right boot while standing there naked, before straightening up. "I'll Roshanbo you for her. I'll go first."

"What?"

***WHAM***

Xander's boot caught Sweet right in the nuts and lifted him at least half a foot.

"Yield?" Xander asked cheerfully.

"Yield," Sweet agreed in a strangled whisper, causing all the demons to vanish.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"It's a tie," Anya announced as she set the two stacks of ones down.

"Unexpected," Sweet said, "But a welcome challenge. Another round?"

"I won't stop until I win her," Xander said resolutely.

"Actually, I was impressed by your style," Anya said. "How about an exchange, a girl for a woman?"

"Anya?" Xander asked.

"Sorry Xander," she apologized as her form shifted becoming demonic once more. "I am what I am and being human… just isn't me anymore." With a snap of her fingers she and all the demons vanished.

"Anya," he said sadly.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"And the winner is… Giles," Anya said as Sweet and Xander stared at the naked Brit.

Giles snorted. "Not my fault you two lack the ability to… perform."

"Hey!" the two snapped back stung.

"Sorry, Hon," Anya apologized, "Rupert gave it his all, making you two seem rather… tame."

**Typing by: Chrono2x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Call me Bruce**

Spiderman froze as a wave of memories swept over him, disorienting him for a moment. He could remember awakening in the street of a small California town as someone else, someone who saw his life from another angle and even knew what his future could be. The alien symbiote he was wearing for instance, it could be his best friend or worst enemy depending on his actions. From his newly acquired memories he knew it was a lot more intelligent than it seemed and that it needed more adrenaline than it was getting from him to keep itself fed. He easily came up with several different sources he could use to keep it fed off the top of his head. Synthetic adrenaline wasn't expensive and was pretty easy to acquire. He made a mental note to stop by a hospital and get some on his way home.

Leaping off the building he was on he shot out a line of webbing and swung off, heading downtown and saw that J.J. was overseeing the hanging of a huge banner in front of the Daily Bugle stating that 79.7% of New Yorkers disapproved of Spiderman.

"A little higher on the right!" Jameson called out to the maintenance men hanging the banner.

Spiderman landed quietly beside him and mentally sighed. No matter what he did Jameson smeared his name and stirred up everyone against him. His mind briefly flickered over the copied memories and suggested a new path. "Ok Jameson, you win," Spiderman said, scaring the hell out of the Newspaper editor. "Facts don't' lie and that's well over half the population, so I'm hanging up my webs."

"What?" Jameson asked in shock.

"You've convinced me, I'll leave crime fighting to the police, I quit," Spiderman said.

"Just like that?" the editor asked in disbelief.

"Your continued slander and libel I could deal with," Spiderman said with a shrug. "Sure it made the Daily Bugle more of a yellow journal than an actual paper, but it's not like a faceless person could sue you and revealing my identity puts my loved ones in danger. None of that is important however, what's important is that you've convinced me, I quit."

Robbie the assistant editor came out just after Spiderman had left. "Jonah the banner is misleading, it's not 79 percent of New Yorker that disapproves of Spiderman, it's 79 percent of New Yorkers that subscribe to the Daily Bugle. You really shouldn't hang this up Jonah. Jonah?"

"I won," Jameson said in wonder.

"Won?" Robbie asked confused.

"Spiderman just quit," Jameson said proudly.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Spiderman snuck in through the skylight and was just about to remove his costume when he remembered what it actually was and started experimenting to see what he could do with it. He could see, hear, taste, smell and feel out of any part of it. He could see in infrared, hear in ultrasonic ranges and isolate scent trails like a bloodhound. He could blend in with the background like a chameleon, make the suit an extension of himself and look like anyone, male or female. He gave himself a little height and muscle volume, darkened his hair and added a bit below the belt. He'd barely used any of the suit's capabilities before and he was really liking what he'd found so far.

The door opened behind him and the symbiote, flush with adrenaline began releasing pheromones to assist in the host's reproductive duties as his sometime partner, and sometime girlfriend entered the loft, with a dark haired young woman with a streak of white in her hair.

"Oh," Mary Jane said seeing the idealized version of Peter in front of her.

"My," Felicia Hardy added, the pheromones already affecting her.

"God," Rogue breathed libido warring with despair at not being able to touch anyone because of her power.

"Oops!" Peter froze at the sight of the three as the suit quickly trigged an increase in hormones and readied him for 'work'.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Peter awoke in a tangle of naked limbs. "Meh?" he asked, not quite awake.

"Wow,'' Felicia said stretching. "That was one for the record books."

"What?" Mary Jane asked, the movement of the two waking her up.

"Peter mutated into a sex god," Felicia said with a purr.

"Mutant?" Rogue asked, waking up and freezing at the feeling of several people's naked skin against hers. "Why aren't I sucking the life out of you all?"

"You weren't that good," Peter said rolling his eyes.

"She was close," Mary Jane defended Rogue's oral skills.

"True," Peter and Felicity chorused, before the three broke up in laughter.

"I-I'm a mutant," Rogue explained slowly. "I haven't touched anyone without involuntarily draining their life since I was thirteen." She was hugged by all her bedmates.

"I'm bonded to an alien battle suit," Peter said as his symbiote provided him data, "It provided a temporary solution by giving you a limited symbiote that covers your skin undetectably. Just will it to pull back and you can still drain people."

"Really?" Rogue asked in shock.

"Yeah, just stop by once a month and I'll recharge it for you," Peter promised.

"This is a little out of character for us all," Felicia said with a frown.

"I'm pretty sure Peter wouldn't turn down us coming on to him like we did," Mary Jane said.

"I haven't gotten to touch anyone like that since forever," Rogue said. "I'd jump at the chance just the way I did."

"Ok fine," Felicia said rolling her eyes. "I'm certainly not complaining, but it's something I never expected me or MJ to go for."

"True," MJ admitted. "And Peter did look even more attractive than usual."

"I was using the suit to tweek my looks," Peter admitted. "I thought I might look better a little thicker and taller with darker hair."

"Nah, it was probably the Long Island iced teas we had with lunch," Felicia decided.

"So sex once a month and I don't have to worry about accidentally draining people?" Rogue asked. "I think I can handle that."

"Actually its sex whenever you want with whomever you want," Peter said. "I don't need to have sex with you to recharge the suit, we just have to have full body naked skin to skin contact once per month for a couple of hours. Five weeks in between charges would be fine, but I figured four just to be on the safe side."

"Sex it is," Rogue said.

The girls giggled.

"I could have sworn you had two peters at one point," MJ said.

"Number, shape, size," Peter said. "I can even change the taste if I want."

"What kind of battles did the aliens you got the suit from get into?" Felicia asked.

"It's made to be adaptable," Peter said. "You just need an imagination to exploit it."

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Anyone seen Rogue?" Kitty asked as she sorted through the mail at the X-mansion.

"Not since yesterday," Wolverine replied as he set a plate of pancakes on the table.

"She's…busy," Xavier said, blushing and drawing the attention of everyone at the table.

"Really?" Wolverine asked.

"She ok?" Gambit asked.

"She's fine," Xavier assured Gambit. "I'd advise making sure you were well rested for when she returns home as she… misses you."

"What about her power?" Wolverine asked reading the subtext.

"I've said as much as I can without invading her privacy," Xavier said.

Wolverine nodded and began piling food on Gambit's plate. At Gambit's raised eyebrow he replied, "Pretend you're resting up before a big job that requires extensive acrobatics."

"I think I'll spend the weekend elsewhere," Kitty decided aloud, causing the majority of the X-men to voice similar plans.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Venom is just too useful to anyone with half a brain.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Lex**

Lex Luthor smirked. He had Superman floored by the brick of Kryptonite in front of him while Lois Lane was about to be cut in two by a giant saw blade as it cut the log she was tied to. "I admit this is almost too cliché to believe," the bald headed genius admitted with a laugh, "But I figured that you'd be looking for a more complex trap and I could use that distraction to catch you in a simple one."

"You have got to be kidding me," Lois groaned as her eyes darted around the sawmill for some means of salvation as the blade slowly crept towards her.

"And just to make things even worse," Lex said with a grin as he pulled out a remote.

"You're going to make us watch reality TV?" Lois said struggling against the ropes.

Lex grinned and waited.

"You'll never get away with this Luthor," Superman gasped out. "Murderers like you always get caught in the end."

"Thank you for being so predictable," Lex said. He pushed a button on his remote and a pair of glass coffins filled with white fog rose from the floor. "For there to be a murder there would have to be a couple of people missing, wouldn't there?"

The coffins opened and the mist slowly rolled away unveiling two familiar looking people… if they were a bit younger anyway.

"Did you give her larger breasts than me?" Lois demanded.

"Strange, they should have been fully mature by now," Lex said. "Oh well, no matter I'll make some androids to take your place while I find a way to accelerate their aging."

The teenage Superman sat up. "I'll skip the premature aging if it's all the same to you."

"I created you," Lex said coldly.

"And don't think I'm not grateful," the clone said, "but despite your best efforts the brainwashing failed."

"Good thing I always include a self-destruct then, isn't it?" Lex growled.

The clone looked at the small remote Lex pulled out. "Is that a one of a kind ninety nine key sequence generator loosely based on Bell's theorem to ensure only you can determine the tiny neural bomb and kill me?"

"Why yes, yes it is," Lex agreed with a smirk.

"And with that destroyed you'd have no way to control me, yes?"

Lex attempted to push the button but found his hand empty.

"Super speed," the teenage superman reminded him as he crushed what was in his hands to dust.

"Do you mind saving my older self?" the female clone asked as she stretched attracting his attention.

"What is in it for me?" he teased.

"I'm sure we can think of something," she purred.

The teen was suddenly next to Lois snapping the ropes that held her tied to the log.

"I own you!" Lex raged.

"Now you get to save him," he told her.

Lois rushed over to Superman and there was a thud as Lex fell down with his shoe laces tied together, while she tossed the brick into the water and it tumbled out of sight carried away with the cut logs.

"The good guys win again," the male clone said pulling the female clone onto his lap. "And I believe you mentioned a reward?"

"Damn straight I did," she purred before cleaning his tonsils. "I see only one problem."

"Yeah?" he asked with a dreamy smile.

"Where are we going to find a Kryptonite condom?"

"Oh great, Luthor turned my clone into a tramp!" Lois groaned as she helped Superman to his feet.

"Oh great, my original self is a judgmental bitch," the female clone mock groaned while rolling her eyes. "We were literally made for each other, Lois."

Superman took a couple of deep breaths seemingly recovered. "I'll take Lex to the proper authorities, you two wait here." Superman and Lex vanished.

"You better not be as pushy as he is," the female clone said.

"I'm not," he swore, "scouts' honor!"

"You were never a scout," she snickered.

"Mr. Pushy was," he replied.

"Ok, how about this, you promise not to be as pushy as he was and I promise not to be as big a bitch as she is."

"Deal!" he said and they shook on it.

Superman had already returned by then. "What are we supposed to do with teenage twins of ourselves?"

"And what makes you think you have any right to dictate anything to us?" the female clone demanded.

"You were created using our DNA," Lois Lane pointed out.

"That is the reason parents have a say in their children's lives, but they lose all legal standing once their children are old enough to manage their own affairs," the female clone pointed out.

"Damn, but I find intelligent women sexy," Superman's clone said.

"I don't believe either of you are eighteen," Superman said.

"I don't believe we ever claimed we were," his clone replied. "We claimed we were mature enough to handle our own affairs, which is another matter entirely."

"You have no more moral authority over us than you have legal authority," the female clone said. "The only reason we haven't left already is because we didn't want there to be any misunderstandings."

"For a couple of clones you sure don't sound like us," Lois said shaking her head. "I'd have said something about slavery."

The clones laughed.

"We aren't exact clones," he admitted. "For instance some recessive genes were removed and though the method of cloning did involve genetic memory induction we were also implanted with as much knowledge as possible."

"Plus we don't have any of the mental issues you two have," she pointed out.

"Mental issues?" Superman asked.

"You have abandonment issues for being adopted and feel alienated at times because you are in fact an alien," Superman's clone told him.

"Well I don't have any issues," Lois said.

The clones burst out laughing.

The female clone wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "You were only two missed plays in school from ending up a stripper and do you really want me to talk about your Electra complex and risk prone behavior?"

Lois turned white.

"Seriously, we're like the younger, more well-adjusted twins of you two," the female clone said.

"Then would you mind coming up to the Watch Tower so we can run some tests and make sure you're both stable," Superman asked.

"You mean put us where you have the people and tools to lock us away if we don't obey you?" the male clone asked.

"That's a bit paranoid," Superman countered.

"We know a lot of secret identities so I can easily see Batman arranging something just to be safe, like a partial mind wipe by the Manhunter or Zatanna," he replied.

"I think we'll skip it, thanks anyway," the female clone said with a grin.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch**

**AN: The way they have clones behave never made sense to me.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Cross Pollination**

"Hello Grandpa," Ranma said, startling Yosho, who'd thought he was impossible to sneak up on. Ranma leaned back just enough to let the bokken pass through where her throat had been before straightening up. "Good reflexes for an old guy."

"And you are?" Yosho asked.

"Ranma Saotome," she said bluntly. "A dryad told me to come here."

"Saotome," he said thoughtfully before his eyes narrowed. "You would be Genma Saotome's child then?"

"As well as Nodoka's," Ranma pointed out. "The daughter you drove away."

"I did not drive her away," Yosho defended himself. "I blame her mother."

"Uh huh, sure," Ranma agreed in a tone that said she didn't.

"So why are you here?" Yasho asked his face as still as stone.

"I told you, a dryad told me to come here."

"A dryad?" Yasho asked doubtfully.

"Yes, a female tree spirit," Ranma said, completely unbothered by Yosho's tone. "Depending on the tree and season they usually have hair colors that range from green to red, but this was the first one I've seen with blue hair."

"Excuse me?"

"A blue haired female tree spirit told me to come here," Ranma explained slowly as if talking to a small child. "Otherwise I wouldn't bother as you're a worse father than Genma and that takes some doing."

Yosho froze like he'd been run through.

"I mean, sure the old panda may have put me through some things that are so far beyond child abuse they deserve individual mention in the Geneva Convention, but at least he never simply abandoned me because it was too much trouble to raise me." Without waiting for a reply she turned and left.

Ranma bounced down the steps leading from the shrine to the lake like she hadn't a care in the world, but then she was used to hiding her true thoughts and feelings… from strangers anyway. Something about those she considered friends or family just cut through all her defenses most of the time. Reaching the bottom of the stairs she took a look around. There was a good sized lake next to the house with a small dock, which seemed pointless as there weren't any boats attached to it. The house itself looked well cared for, a two story building with plenty of space. Ranma was at a loss as to why there were so many carrot patches, unless it was a big cash crop locally it seemed a waste.

The large tree that the shrine was known for and was rumored to have healing powers, felt like a Ki bonfire to her senses, but she supposed that was what a dryad's main tree looked like. They usually went to such great lengths to hide and protect their main tree that Ranma didn't think it was worth the effort to find one just to sate her curiosity. Continuing to the house she heard the muffled sounds of fighting coming through the door. Ignoring it she rang the bell. The sounds of fighting ceased instantly and it sounded like a lot of high speed straightening was going on. Less than a minute later a familiar face answered the door, "Hello, I'm Sasami. How can I help you?"

"An older version of you sent me here," Ranma said, noting her aura and matching it to the blue haired dryad he'd met earlier. The rabbit like creature on her head wasn't even worth noting. It was a little unusual, but she knew less than nothing about Dryad saplings. For all she knew that little creature was the typical sapling headgear, specifically bred to eat termites or chase off squirrels.

"Really?" Sasami asked, waving her inside. "What did she say?"

"She said I needed a vacation and it'd give me a chance to meet some of the more sane members of my family."

"Who's your family?" a woman with cyan colored hair and eyes like a snake asked intently, bringing Ranma's attention to the rest of the house's inhabitants. There was a girl with red hair that looked to be about a third of her mass, and somehow managed to have double D breasts despite looking 12, who was scanning Ranma with something, while a blond woman with a deep tan and slightly pointed ears looked over her shoulder.

Something about the blond both attracted and repelled him. She wasn't sure what it was, but decided he could figure it out later.

"The old man at the shrine is my grandfather," Ranma replied.

"Really?" a black haired boy with his hair in a pig tail asked in shock.

"Yep."

The boy quickly rushed over to introduce himself but caught his toe on something and started to fall forward towards Ranma's cleavage. Having half expected something like this Ranma quickly switched herself with the woman with snake eyes, much to her enjoyment as she wrapped her arms around him and kept his face in her cleavage."

"How did you do that and where did your shirt go?" a purple haired woman demanded, that had been behind the boy and hadn't noticed it was now on the person with the eyes like a snake.

"It's called Kawari and for some reason I always lose my shirt while doing it," Ranma replied, her hand darting out and filching the shirt back and putting it on without unbuttoning it… somehow.

"You can let Lord Tenchi loose, she has her shirt on again," the purple haired woman said irritably.

The snake eyed woman reluctantly released Tenchi's head.

The red faced boy cleared his throat and took a couple of deep breaths. "Sorry about that."

"Don't sweat it," Ranma replied. "It happens enough that I'm not sure it's not another curse I picked up somewhere."

"Introductions?" the purple haired woman suggested firmly.

"I'm Ranma Saotome, grandchild of the priest from his daughter Nodoka's."

"I'm Tenchi Misaki, grandson of the priest from his daughter, Achika."

"I am Washu Hakubi, the greatest scientist in the universe!" the little red head cackled, a small puppet version of himself appearing on each shoulder and throwing confetti while holding up little signs reading 'Washu #1'.

"Remind me to get a set of those puppets," Ranma said, thinking of how cool she'd look and how much it would piss Ryoga off if Ranma had a pair that'd pop up proclaiming him the world's greatest martial artist.

"I'm Ryoko Hakubi," the woman with the snake eyes said before wrapping herself around Tenchi. "Tenchi's intended."

"What?!" the purple haired woman growled tiny logs appearing in the air around her, sparkling with power, until an elbow to the side from the young dryad brought her back to herself and they suddenly vanished. "I'm Ayeka Jurai, Tenchi's intended!"

Ranma started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ryoko demanded.

"It's genetic. I'm here to escape my fiancées for a while myself," Ranma explained. "My father engaged me to a number of girls and I have others who are chasing me as well."

"He didn't engage you to any men?" Ayeka asked confused.

"He's tried before, but I think I've got him trained out of that. Now if I could get him to take responsibility for engaging me to so many girls while insisting I just marry one of them…" Ranma sighed. "MY life would be a lot less stressful."

"Not interested in guys huh?" Washu asked.

"Not remotely," Ranma said firmly. "And there are times when the girls are such a handful I'm even off them for a bit."

"Mihoshi Kuramitsu," Mihoshi introduced herself, "Galaxy Police Officer."

"She means private detective," Tenchi quickly said. "She's really into cosplay."

Before Mihoshi could say anything Washu moved so fast she practically teleported in front of Ranma. "Would you mind running some tests for me? I'll cook you lots of yummy food!" Washu fluttered her eyebrows and gripped her arm tightly.

"Awww," Ranma said falling for her cute attack. "Sure I will Washu-chan, but I have to warn you I eat like a sumo wrestler on a good day and on days where I have to exert myself I eat even more."

"So as long as I provide a lot of food you'll be my guinea pig?" Washu squealed excitedly.

Ranma ignored the horrified expressions of the people around the room. "As long as it's food you don't mind eating as well."

"Excellent clause," Washu said. "My daughter can't cook to save her life. She has no taste buds, so I'm at least partially at fault though."

Ranma examined Washu carefully and everyone froze thinking she'd given the game away with her unthinking comment. "Deaged?" Ranma asked to which Washu grudgingly nodded. "I had the same thing happen to me. I was stuck for almost two days as a five year old. Fortunately I took precautions against it happening again!"

Washu opened her mouth to say something, but Ranma pulled a mushroom out of nowhere and popped it in her mouth. Washu's eyes widened as she felt herself involuntarily shifting into an older form.

"I have a hard time getting the mushrooms to grow much past sixteen," she said apologetically, "but at least now you don't have to go through twelve to sixteen again."

Washu examined herself, thankful her clothes were her special Washu brand shape shifting clothes, and found she was physically sixteen again, albeit with curves that mirrored Mihoshi's. Her sixteen year old self wasn't normally blessed with her current measurements, but she'd altered her twelve year old form to annoy her daughter and this appeared to be a natural development from those stats.

"I-I'm speechless," Ayeka faintly said, as everyone stared in shock.

"That Ranma could hide a sixteen centimeter mushroom on her with no bulge or that Washu could swallow one at age twelve with no trouble?" Mihoshi asked curiously, causing nearly everyone to turn red, the only exceptions being Ranma and Sasami who didn't get what the others were thinking and causing Ayeka to sputter.

Washu recovered her composure. "That was amazing! Do you have any more of those?"

"Yes, but they're not all that large and I don't want to uproot them."

"I'll have to see about building a place to plant some," Washu said thoughtfully. "But first I must get you into my lab!"

Tenchi gave off a loud fake laugh. "She means she has to get her equipment from the closet she stores them in," he said nervously.

Washu sighed. "Yes, that is exactly what I meant."

"So, how long are you staying?"

"The dryad didn't say, but presumably until I've recovered enough that I stop breaking people's arms for attacking me," Ranma said absently.

"Breaking arms?" Sasami asked.

"Yes. I get attacked four or five time a day by guys who claim they love the girls chasing after me and normally I'm fine with that, but yesterday their reckless attacks almost hurt an innocent bystander, so I broke the right arm of both Ryoga and Mousse!"

"How do you know the bystander was innocent?" Ryoko asked cynically.

"It was a twelve year old girl who'd thrown herself over a five year old boy to protect him from harm."

"Sounds like you did the right thing to me," Ryoko said.

"Of course then Kuno showed up, to declare his love for me by trying to grab me, so I broke his arm as well. I don't take kindly to people who don't know the meaning of the world no and think my breasts are convenient handholds."

"Sounds reasonable," Ryoko agreed, still not seeing any problems.

"I thought that as well," Ranma agreed. "So I headed home. When I got home, one of my fiancées yells at me for picking on Pig-boy and rips the mail box out of the ground to hit me with it. So naturally…"

"Broke her arm?" Washu guessed.

"Of course. Then both our fathers pop up and start yelling at me and attempt to make me marry her on the spot and apologize for defending myself."

"Broke their arms?" Tenchi guessed.

"Legs actually, both of them. I really don't need them following me around and harping on honor while attacking me for not obeying their wishes."

"I'm still not seeing a problem," Ryoko said.

"Neither did I," Ranma said with a shrug. "However, Nabiki, Akane's older sister starts tearing into me about how she's going to make my life a living hell."

"Broken arm?" Ayeka asked.

"No, I simply called the police and had her arrested for her numerous crimes. She likes to make money off me and doesn't care how, so between the illegal betting ring she set up and the photos she took of me while I slept, she was easy to get rid of."

"And they didn't arrest you for breaking arms?" Mihoshi asked.

"It was self-defense each time," Ranma replied. "Of course the fact that I was then attacked by Pig-boy and Akane in sight of the police really helped clear up any lingering doubts."

"Yeah, that'd do it," Ryoko agreed.

"Then Kasumi, Akane's eldest sister came out and insisted I eat some of her imported chocolate and drink some peppermint tea. I dislike being told what to do, but Kasumi is a very kind and gentle person, so I gave her a swat on the ass and then a great big hug and told her how much I appreciate all she does for me."

Ryoko grinned. "Huge blush and stuttering with a tiny smile?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Domestic types tend to want a strong hand," Ryoko explained "Being forced to be strong for everyone else, means they need someone they can be weak with. That swat on the ass probably made her week."

"Oh!" Ranma said in understanding, while everyone else's eyes turned to Sasami.

Sasami stood there with a frown on her face as Ryoki had covered her ears with her paws and her eyes with her ears. Sasami took Ryoki off her head. "What was that for?"

Ryoki moved and licked her nose.

"Silly Ryoki," Sasami said fondly cuddling the cabbit.

"So what happened then?" Mihoshi asked.

"Then Kasumi invited my mother and Shampoo's Grandmother over for dinner along with my fiancée Ukyo and my Amazon wife Shampoo."

"Amazon wife?" chorused the household.

"Defeat an Amazon in battle as a woman and they'll hunt you to the end of the earth to kill you and regain their honor, do it as a man and they are considered married to you by their laws," Ranma explained.

"Oh," came the chorus as they decided that a lesbian counted as a man to an Amazon.

"It was a peaceful dinner for once, lots of polite conversation, Shampoo didn't get too grabby, though her grandmother had to whack her in the head with her cane a few times to keep it that way. Mom said I needed a vacation and she'd talk to her mother about the best way to go about it. The next day Sasami's future self rose from the koi pond and told me arrangements had been made and I was to stay at my dead beat Grandfather's place, so here I am. Well, me and Konatsu."

"Konatsu?" Sasami asked.

"Konatsu," Ranma called out and suddenly a female ninja was kneeling at her feet.

The household jumped displaying various defensive positions that Ranma made a note of and ignored.

"Konatsu is the greatest Kunoichi of his generation," Ranma said matter of factly. "He's trained his whole life to serve though I'm not sure why he's following me."

"Ukyo-sama thought you might find use for me in keeping others away while you relaxed Ranma-dono."

"Thank you, Konatsu-chan, that's very thoughtful of you."

"I live but to serve," Konatsu said before fading from sight while kneeling in place, shocking the locals.

"He?" Tenchi asked while Ryoko waved her hand through the space Konatsu had been kneeling at.

"Bit of a tragic tale," Ranma explained. "He actually had an evil step mother and evil stepsisters like in Cinderella, and they raised him to be a female ninja. Me and Uk-chan rescued him, earning his eternal loyalty. I generally have no need for a personal retainer while he's a big help to Ukyo in running her okonomiyaki restaurant so he stays with her."

"You've led a very interesting life, haven't you?" Washu asked fascinated.

"Magic, mayhem and martial arts," Ranma said. "I've apparently had a bit too much excitement and so here we are."

"We may have to rearrange everyone so you have your own room," Sasami said thoughtfully.

"She can stay with me," Mihoshi quickly spoke up.

"Are you sure?" Ranma asked. "I have made my preferences quite clear so I don't cause any confusion."

"Of course I'm sure," Mihoshi said brightly. "I've been a bit lonely and would love the company."

"And my father hasn't engaged me to you and you're not looking for a husband?" Ranma asked intently.

"I'm way too young to marry," Mihoshi waved it off. "Maybe in another forty years."

"Ok," Ranma said cheerfully.

Not being able to put her in with Tenchi, for the disaster it would no doubt cause, or ditto his father, there weren't many options left. Ryoko still slept on a beam in the ceiling and Washu in her lab, while Sasami and Ayeka shared a room. Mihoshi was the last person to put her with.

Washu stood up. "Well I'm going to oil the door to Mihoshi's room real quick," she said before dashing off.

"I guess I should help," Mihoshi said wondering why Washu would need to oil a door on her ship in orbit, since she'd been using a personal teleporter to commute back and forth so she wouldn't crash into the lake anymore.

"Probably a good idea to straighten up a bit as well since you'll have a guest," Ayeka said quickly, figuring Washu was going to build a room real quick to accommodate Ranma and keep her from discovering their secrets until they could find out from Kashuto what was going on.

"So tell me about your greatest battle," Ryoko asked doing her part to help distract Ranma.

"As in most property damage done or greatest number of people involved?" Ranma asked, more than willing to talk about martial arts.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch**


	10. Chapter 10

**Pro-Log but Anti-Lumber!**

**Flapping Like Crazy**

"I never thought we'd be the last," Willow said as they stood in an office on top of a crumbling skyscraper and watched the sun rise over the forest that was slowly taking over the LA Basin.

Xander wrapped his arms around her and kissed the side of her neck. "I always thought we would be, but I always thought we'd go out fighting back to back, not outlive our species."

"Just because they all left Earth doesn't mean they're no longer human," Willow said leaning back into him.

"Man changed when he left the forest and I have no doubt leaving the Earth has changed him as well."

"You could have left with them," Willow said. "I know you always wanted to see the stars. Just because I can't doesn't mean you can't."

"Yes it does," Xander said. "I like being me and there is no Xander without Willow. Besides," Xander ran his hands on her body making her all but purr, "there is no way in hell I'm giving up this!"

Willow giggled and kissed him for a minute before straightening the moss like green dress she wore. "You always know just what to say."

"I speak but the truth. Why rehash things we settled centuries ago? You know I am happy to spend eternity with you. As far as I'm concerned this is the Garden of Eden."

Willow purred loudly.

Xander gestured and a gossamer thread of spider silk shot from his wrist and impacted a heavy granite desk that he pulled towards them like it as made of balsa wood.

There was a flash of light and suddenly a man dressed in clothes that hadn't been seen in millennia was standing there briefly, before a heavy granite desk slammed into him sending them both hurtling off the building and into the air nearly twenty stories above the water below.

"Was that Whistler?" Willow asked in shock as the faint yell of a falling demon ended in a loud splash.

Xander sighed. "I think it was. Damnit, I was planning to have sex with you on that desk and now it's probably twenty feet underwater!"

"We can both breathe water," Willow pointed out.

"Oh, yeah!" Xander perked back up.

"And making love on that desk is more important that finding out why I am here?" a somewhat battered and bruised demon asked as he appeared in the exact same spot again, dripping water on the decaying rug.

"No," Xander replied, causing the demon to nod in satisfaction and Willow to cock an eyebrow knowing he wasn't through. "Making love to Willow is more important."

"Let's find out why he's here first, so we don't have to worry about being distracted by anything," Willow suggested.

"Fine," Xander said with a sigh. "What do you need Whistler?"

"I'm not Whistler, he was my grandfather," the demon replied. "I was named after him though."

"So your name is Whistler?" Willow asked amused.

"Yes, it is," the demon confirmed.

"SO what do you need Whistler?" Xander repeated blandly.

"Willow's been so introspective lately because Gaia is contemplating another ice age. It was decided that since you two have done so much we'd allow you two to just go directly upstairs rather than sleep for a hundred millennia."

"Tired of waiting for us to die and don't want us influencing things?" Xander asked amused.

"The creator likes fresh starts," Whistler assured them. "I believe her and Gaia are thinking about trying dinosaurs again."

"This will require some thought," Xander said solemnly.

"You should probably go fishing off the other side of the building while we discuss this," Willow suggested.

"How long do you need?" Whistler asked.

"Four to six hours, minimum," Xander replied taking Willow's hand as his black loincloth seemed to melt into his skin and her dress flaked off leaving a trail of moss as the approached the edge of the floor.

Whistler watched in shock as Gaia's avatar and her consort leapt off the building shouting, "Cannonball!" Looking up at the sky he took off his hat and said, "Grandfather, I apologize for saying you had to be exaggerating when you told me about them."

**And Falling Fast**

**Sunnydale Kindergarten**

Slightly out of phase, the three watched as a young boy gave a red haired girl his yellow crayon. "And pause," Willow said freezing time.

"What are you two planning on doing?" Whistler asked nervously as he glanced around, unused to being in any dimension but his own.

"Thanks to the bio-weapons that were released on Earth, driving off the population, we never had children," Willow explained.

"I thought you guys were immune," Whistler said.

"We are," Xander agreed. "But it would have left our children with no choice for spouses but each other."

"And the problem is?" Whistler asked confused.

"Much like angels, demons don't suffer any problems due to inbreeding," Willow said in understanding.

"Inbreeding affects humans like it does animals," Xander explained to Whistler.

"Oh," the demon said making a face.

"We could alter their DNA exactly to match our own to prevent that problem," Willow admitted, "But making endless clones of ourselves that way seems more narcissistic than anything else."

"Thus we are passing a bit of ourselves onto ourselves and they can have children, preserving our legacy," Xander explained.

Willow touched her younger self's hair causing her eyes to glow green, while Xander let a drip of what looked like mercury drop from his hand to his younger self's head, black threads flickering across both their skin for a moment.

"Aren't they a bit young for children?" Whistler asked.

Xander and Willow shared a laugh. "I meant in a dozen years or so, not now," she said, restarting time.

Young Willow accepted the crayon, but didn't let go of Xander's hand, pulling their him forward their lips met. It was only for a second and then they both scooted their desks together so they could hold hands while they colored.

"A dozen years on a Hellmouth is a long time," Whistler said absently as he watched the two.

The three vanished in a burst of light.

**And Learning to Fly**

The three appeared in a hospital room where Xander lay, his head wrapped in bandages, missing an eye. Willow sat by his bedside, tears running down her face. Kennedy appeared between them so quickly you'd almost think she was a slayer already. Eyes red with unshed tears she held up a wooden cross with her left hand and held a dagger ready in her right one.

"I never thought she was that fond of me," Xander said.

"Guilt," Willow waved it off. "She found it easier to avoid you rather than deal with her emotions about everything."

"What?" the native Willow stared at them in shock.

"Future selves," Xander explained.

"You-you can't be the first evil, we're both still alive and it's never appeared as more than one person at a time before," Willow said.

"Just because it hasn't doesn't mean it couldn't," Xander corrected, "And there has got to have been dozens of people who could have passed as the twins of everyone we know, so really the 'only appears as the dead' thing it does isn't as big a limitation as it likes to pretend it is."

"Shit!" Kennedy cursed.

"Physical contact is the only way to be sure," Willow said just before she jumped from Xander goosing her.

"Firm and silky smooth, but best to be sure," Xander said solemnly before he pulled Willow to him and they started making out with an excessive amount of groping being involved.

Native Willow and Kennedy just stared.

Whistler groaned. "You two have less self-control than a pair of horny teens."

"Why is he just wearing a black loincloth?" Kennedy asked, weapons hanging lightly from her hands.

"I haven't asked," Whistler admitted. "I was just happy they weren't completely naked."

Xander finally came up for air. "Last two people on Earth for a very long time, why would we have any restraint?"

"The loincloth is because I told him I like the Tarzan look about eighty years ago," Willow explained.

"Coming back in time would destroy the future-" Native Willow began.

"It just causes time to branch off," Willow said interrupting her.

"Why are you here?" Kennedy asked.

"Our time is almost up," Xander said. "And we never got a chance to have children."

"It'd be unfair to the children," Native Xander said blurrily from his hospital bed.

Willow was instantly at his side holding his hand and making sure he was alright, tears running down her face.

"How come I'm seeing double with only half my normal complement of eyes?" Native Xander asked.

Xander laughed. "I've come back in time to improve your sex life."

Native Xander laughed then winced. "Note to self; laughter hurts."

"So noted," Xander agreed.

"I'm pretty sure I could pull off the sexy pirate act," Native Xander said.

"We get real self-conscious about the eye," Xander said shaking his head. "Mostly because of the way our friends react to it. It takes a couple of years before we get over it."

"You can fix him?" Native Willow exclaimed, grabbing her other self's hands, her eyes pleading.

"Yes," Willow agreed. "But Xander is going to fix himself."

"Really?"

"Please tell me I'm not going to cast a spell on myself," Native Xander begged.

"We still don't do magic," Xander assured himself. "What we have is science so advanced it resembles magic. We get along with science. When I begin I need you all to follow what I say even if it seems senseless at the time."

"You're just wearing a loincloth," Kennedy pointed out. "Do I really wanna know where you keep your tools?"

"Nanotech," Xander said. "Now before I begin all the humans in this room except the patient need to be topless. Xander don't look, lay down and keep your eyes shut."

Native Willow's shirt and bra hit the floor before he could finish speaking. Willow brushed off the top half of her dress, the moss it was composed of crumbling at her touch. Kennedy hesitated for less than a heartbeat before undressing.

Xander smiled and looked at the three, while Whistler just shook his head. Holding up a hand, drops of what looked like mercury seemed to leak from his pores and roll up to collect in a ball on the tip of his index finger. Native Xander was lying down with his eye closed when Xander touched his forehead and the metal sank into his skin. Native Xander immediately let out a relived sigh.

"What are you doing?" Native willow asked.

Xander smiled. "Well I've given him a nanite colony and right now he's synching with it and adjusting the personalized settings."

"Like setting up a new computer?" Native Willow asked.

"Exactly like that," Xander agreed. "Right now he is… looking through the multitude of picture's I've taken of my Willow over the centuries."

"What kind of pictures?" Kennedy asked suspiciously.

"The naked kind," Xander said making Native Willow blush to the waist.

"I have a decade of video of Willow sleeping peacefully," Native Xander said in awe.

"That's actually just the file from us camping on Everest," Xander told him. "I have decades of Willow doing just about everything. Thank Gaea for nanite memory storage."

"How long have you two been together?" Native Willow asked Willow.

"Longer than you'd believe," Willow replied. "We were the last two humans on Earth. Mankind had spread to the stars and we stayed to clean up the mess they left behind."

Xander helped his native self sit up. "Now keep your eye closed."

"They… it is shut," Native Xander assured him absently.

"Good, now stop looking at old video footage," Xander ordered as he peeled the bloody bandages off Native Xander's empty socket, " And look at two topless Willows and a topless Kennedy."

Native Xander frowned as Xander had covered his eye, but the empty socket started rapidly filling in as Native Xander grew a new eye. "Whoa!"

"He's healed!" Native Willow cheered hugging Kennedy and her other self.

Willow took advantage of the situation to get in some groping and kisses on the two which made both Xanders smile.

"I've found the record mode," Native Xander said happily.

Whistler groaned reminding everyone he was there. "Ok, can we go now?" You two are overdue for the afterlife."

Both Xanders frowned as it broke the mood and completely derailed what could have been a dream come true. A very perverted dream, but a dream all the same.

"Fine," Xander said. "I suppose we can always go for reincarnation if we want a twin Willow threesome."

"Only if you don't mind being a surfer called Gil," Willow teased.

Xander and Willow laughed as they faded from sight with Whistler leaving the room's three original occupants alone.

"This has been a good day," Xander decided.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I also want to see more Xander/Willow stories.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Harris**

The bomb taken care of and the zombies dealt with, Xander left the Sunnydale high school boiler room with his head held high, foolishly assuming that the zombie behind him wouldn't just re-arm the bomb and leave, now that the way out was clear.

Of course, the point became moot thanks to a hungry werewolf who was locked up down there.

Xander was a bit banged up from the night's events, but for the moment he was feeling no pain. He'd saved his friends and gotten laid. The only way his day could improve would be if Cordelia agreed to bury the hatchet so he didn't have to listen to her rip on him and use things she'd learned in confidence against him.

As if summoned, Cordelia stepped out of the hall in front of him.

"Oh, it's you!" Cordelia spat out before starting a diatribe about how worthless Xander was and how he'd end up a drunken loser like his father.

"Good seeing you again too," Xander said, not in the least surprised, before turning and walking off.

"Don't you turn your back on me!" Cordelia yelled, rushing over to continue berating him.

Naturally, it was at this point that the earth opened up beneath them and swallowed them both.

Xander would describe the trip like being flushed down the toiled after you'd puked in it, but at the moment he was more concerned with the landing at the end.

A five foot drop doesn't sound like much, but a five foot drop onto asphalt when you're not expecting it can be a killer, even if you land feet first.

Recalling his dimly remembered jump school training, he quickly bent his knees and allowed himself to crumple to the side, bruising his shoulder but preventing any serious injuries.

"Fuck-fuck-FUCK!" Cordelia screamed, sprawled out on the ground and clutching her leg.

"You OK?" Xander asked, moving to help her.

"Don't touch me!"

Xander backed off, noting a lack of blood or serious malformation denoting a life-threatening injury. A quick check of himself showed he was OK, no breaks or bleeding, just some moderate bruising.

Taking stock of his surroundings, it looked like they'd been dropped on a two-lane highway somewhere in the mountains. Although there wasn't any snow on the ground the air was a bit cold, despite the sun being directly overhead, and there were pine trees along the road. And speaking of the road, it was cracked and worn like it hadn't been serviced in years. The slow creep of the forest was evident by the bushes pushing out into the roadway and the small plants growing from the cracks in the road.

He figured they were in North America, probably the US, but somewhere deserted, probably for economic reasons like a mine closing.

Cordelia's complaints tapered off as Xander tried to make up his mind which way to go. Downhill would be easier and would eventually lead to civilization, while uphill was probably a shorter trip to some form of shelter, and though likely abandoned, it might have a phone.

His mind made up, Xander started walking.

"Wait! You can't just leave me lying here!" Cordelia screamed.

"Why not?" Xander asked. "You left me and I had a major concussion, internal bleeding and cracked ribs."

"Your friends were there!" Cordelia shrilly retorted.

"Yeah, but they had to rush some girl to the hospital, so I had to make my own way until someone returned for me."

"That was an accident!"

Xander stopped and considered that for a moment. "Fine," he said with a sigh, "let's look at the leg."

The examination was quick and impersonal, much to Cordelia's surprise, though the only thing that kept her from complaining was the effort it took not to scream in pain.

"You may have pulled something and I can't tell if you've dislocated it until the swelling subsides and we get your pants off."

"You're not getting my pants off!" Cordelia growled.

"Can it, Chase," he replied, annoyed. "If you don't want my help, I'm not going to force it on you."

As he started to walk away once more, she panicked. "You're not going to just leave?"

"No," Xander assured her, "I'm just looking around to see if I can find something to make a stretcher with."

"Oh." She quieted down.

Looking down the road, he saw something promising. "I'm going to head around the curve up here, I'll be right back."

"Hurry," she said quietly.

As Xander rounded the corner he froze and just stared. Part of the road was occupied by a mudslide and a downed tree, but that wasn't what had attracted his attention. There were half a dozen cars and a firetruck on the road and they weren't empty. Scattered bones on the ground marked where at least three bodies had lain and the grinning skeletons in two of the cars waited patiently for a journey they were never going to complete. He shook it off, and returned to searching.

The stretcher on the firetruck had rotted away, the cloth not being nearly as resistant to the elements as the nylon straps that held it in place. Fortunately, there was a thick plastic body board used to stabilize those with spinal injuries that had come through everything with just a little sun bleaching.

Xander tried not to look too closely while gathering what he needed. There was a sticker on the back window of the station wagon that showed a stick figure family with several small children and a dog. He did not look inside the car while taking a hiking stroller off the roof rack.

The material of the stroller was better than the stretcher, but still not as resistant as nylon. He used Jack O'Tool's knife to cut the crumbling fabric apart as he only needed part of the frame and the wheels. Xander's makeshift stretcher was lightweight and rolled easily over the road, so it took little time to return to where the dark-haired girl lay.

Cordelia looked at the contraption Xander wheeled up to her and then into his expressionless face. "I thought at most you'd bring back a couple of branches and use your shirt to make a stretcher."

"I could have done that here," Xander replied. "I was looking for other options."

He laid it flat, the board slightly raised due to the wheels strapped to it. "Can you climb on or do you need help?"

"I'm going to need help," she admitted.

Carefully rolling her over, they managed to get her on the board and Xander began strapping her down.

"What are you doing?" she screeched, slapping at his hands as he tried to secure her arms down.

Xander stopped and explained, "The straps distribute the pressure so it's not all on your legs, where the injury is."

"You're sure this isn't just an excuse-" she began only to have Xander cut her off.

"Listen, Chase, I have zero tolerance for your shit right now. If you don't want my help, fine, I'll leave, but if you want my help, stop making it harder than it needs to be!"

Cordelia fell silent and allowed Xander to finish strapping her down. In times of stress, she usually fell back to being a queen bitch and Xander cheating on her with Willow of all people had added whole new levels of anger and pain that brought out the harpy in her, but Xander was behaving really strange and she believed him when he said he would leave her here. It made her wonder if she'd ever really known him at all.

"Wh-what happened here?" the girl asked as they rounded the corner and she saw the cars…and the bones.

Xander found the wheels handled the dirt as easily as the asphalt when he carefully pushed Cordelia across the landslide just past the vehicles. "I don't know."

"What do you think?" she asked. "I mean, what have you noticed?"

Xander sighed and for a minute Cordelia thought he was going to remain silent. "The condition of the road, the bodies, and everything says it's been years since it happened. What it is, I have no idea, but the fact that no-one has come and cleaned up means either it's still going on, or it hit a very large area."

"Still going on?" Cordelia asked nervously.

"Think Chernobyl," Xander explained. "Even long after the accident the radiation remains, so they have to wait a couple of decades before cleaning up and burying the dead."

"And the second option?" she asked, as he detoured around a fallen tree that was blocking most of the road.

"It was so widespread that years later they still haven't gotten around to cleaning up this section," Xander replied.

"So the choices are either everyone's dead or we are radioactive?" she asked. "Please tell me some other options, I don't care how unlikely or even silly they are," she begged him.

"The portal we fell through dropped us onto the set of the latest post-apocalyptic film and everything we've seen is just set dressing for tomorrow's shooting."

"A little more realistic," she suggested.

"Someone pulled a Sleeping Beauty, but forgot the preservative part of the spell so everyone died in their sleep way before a prince could come, and by the way, the original version of the story has that as literal. Prince Charming does not wake her with a kiss."

"One, is that really more realistic, and two, eww!"

"I saw Buffy kill Hansel and Gretel recently," Xander replied. "That makes it really hard to dismiss any fairy tales as just stories anymore, and yeah, I agree, eww, but remember, it's not rape if you're royalty."

"I can see why Disney re-wrote it," Cordelia said.

"Yeah, it's not rape if you're rich just doesn't hold the same symbolism," Xander replied.

"Royalty was more than simply rich," Cordelia said. "They were well-bred and educated, while the peasants were dirty, smelly and ignorant."

"They were that way because the nobles took nearly everything they had and what was left the church stole while telling them they were born evil and-" Xander fell silent as they crested the rise and saw a row of buildings, starting with a truck stop and ending with a motel as the road curved to the left and out of their direct line of sight.

They stood silently for a minute.

"I've seen some small animals and they looked healthy," Xander noted.

"Yeah?" Cordelia asked absently as she saw the scattered bones and overgrown vegetation. "What does that mean?"

"It means we don't have to worry about radiation," he told her.

"And the bad news?" she asked, hearing something in his voice.

"The cars are recent and the roads aren't deteriorated enough for more than a couple of years to have passed, so radiation isn't what killed everyone as the wildlife is looking pretty healthy."

"I thought that was a good thing," she said, as he slowly wheeled her forward.

"It means we don't have to worry about radiation, but that also means we don't know what we have to worry about," Xander replied.

"Oh," Cordelia said quietly, as they approached the truck stop and saw the scattered bones and vehicles.

"It's getting towards evening," Xander said. "We need a place to crash until morning, unfortunately all that's available are public access properties."

"What's that mean?"

"It means no private residences, so no threshold protections."

"You think there are vampires around here?" Cordelia asked nervously.

"No idea," Xander admitted, "but I'm a Sunnydale boy, I always assume vampires are about. Besides, threshold protections keep out a lot of things, not just vampires. We need weapons and shelter."

"You already have a plan," Cordelia guessed.

"Plan is a bit of a strong term for what I have," he replied as he eyed a couple of semis that probably had batteries as dead as their drivers.

"And it is?" she asked, wanting a distraction from the scattered bones and turning away from the sight of a child's shoe before she could see anymore.

"Find an empty motel room, leave you in it while I scrounge for whatever food and weapons I can find before night falls, and wait until sunrise before we set foot out of the room again."

They passed a diner and a store selling skiing equipment across from a store that had cold weather gear on display. It was readily apparent that this little bump in the road was a pit stop on the way to a skiing lodge further up the mountain.

"A weather radio!" Cordelia suddenly announced as they approached the small motor lodge, a two story building with about thirty units.

"Would let us know if people were still around," Xander agreed. "There's probably one in the lobby."

"I-I think I'll wait out here," Cordelia said nervously, not wanting to see the corpses she assumed would be there.

"OK," Xander said, leaning her against the wall so she could see. "I'll be right back."

**Typing by: Elrod Albino!**


	12. Chapter 12

**HP and the PH**

"Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" Hermione asked.

"The good news," Harry decided.

"Your parents are dead," Hermione said solemnly.

"Yes," he said curiously, "I'm pretty sure of that. I was there when they died."

"I know," Hermione replied, "I just thought you might have gotten your hopes up that they were still alive and gotten angry because they abandoned you if that was true."

"Well, I haven't," Harry assured her.

"OK," she said, relieved. "The bad news is that despite your parents having died over eighteen years ago, you have a dozen younger half-sisters."

"My father donated sperm?" Harry guessed.

"No." She shook her head. "Do you know what happens when you cut a lock of hair off someone under polyjuice?"

"It reverts back to their original hair? No, if that was true it'd be a standard check and it's not. If you die under polyjuice you remain in the form, so I'm guessing bits that get removed remain in the new form."

"That was an impressive piece of logic," Hermione admitted.

"So...half-sisters even though my parents are dead…polyjuice…if a man takes polyjuice his sperm remain in their new form once, um, you know. So someone knocked up a dozen women using polyjuice containing my father's hair."

"Not your father's," Hermione said carefully.

"OK, so someone polyjuiced as my mum, took a sex-change potion and knocked a dozen women up?" Harry asked doubtfully.

"No. A dozen women polyjuiced as your mother were impregnated," Hermione slowly told him.

"Wouldn't the egg revert once the potion wore off?" Harry asked.

"Once fertilized, the egg starts dividing at an exponential rate. That one cell with the woman's original DNA would be buried under a tide of the polyjuiced replicates if it did revert, and I can find no evidence that it did."

"OK, so I have a dozen sisters. Do they have the same father?"

"It's Snape," Hermione admitted, waiting for the explosion.

"OK, let me see if I've got this right," Harry said slowly. "Snape regularly had sex with hookers polyjuiced to look like my mum."

"Yes, though I don't know why they're all girls, or what possessed him to impregnate them," Hermione admitted.

"Side effect of an infatuation potion," Harry replied. "If the target is male, all the children are boys, and if female, girls. It also neutralizes all of the standard contraceptive methods."

"How do you know that?" she asked, surprised. Hermione was used to being the one with all the answers.

"It came up in the Weasley case," Harry admitted.

"Sorry." Hermione winced.

"Not mine," Harry chuckled. "Molly repeatedly dosed Arthur because she's insecure. Arthur knows and we gave him a purgative and got a signed statement that he doesn't mind."

"So Ginny dosing you…"

"I forgave her," Harry assured her. "I still divorced the loon, but I forgave her. Dumbledore should have had her looked over by a mind healer after the Diary fiasco."

"I'm not going to have to bail you out of jail for desecrating Snape's grave again, am I?"

"He just gave me a dozen new family members," Harry said happily. "That buys a lot of forgiveness in my books."

**AN: What, you thought Harry would blame the children and reject them?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Batman (Not DC!)**

"And the moment is done," Oz said.

"And I am out," Xander agreed.

"Have fun on your trip," Buffy said, waving a bit of smoke from the burning rubble out of her face.

"Send postcards!" Willow ordered.

"I will," Xander promised, speaking up to be heard over a departing ambulance.

Cordelia tilted her head to the side and really looked at him. "You're not coming back, are you?"

"What?!" Buffy and Willow chorused.

"What makes you say that?" Xander asked, not answering the question.

"I've known you for how long?" Cordelia replied.

"Sniping isn't exactly knowing someone like a friend."

"It's social interaction," Cordelia disagreed. "Now spill."

"OK, fine," Xander said with a sigh. "I didn't want a big scene, but there isn't anything here for me anymore."

"Life is safer elsewhere," Buffy encouraged him, thinking this would get at least one of them out of the fight alive.

"Your friends?" Cordelia questioned, both of them ignoring Buffy.

"I don't know if it's the Hellmouth or just the people involved, but when the difference between the monsters and the people you surround yourself with slowly fade away… it's time to move on, find new heroes, new battles."

"I'm not a monster!" Buffy exclaimed, apparently having worried about that herself.

"You attempted to murder a girl to save someone who was already dead because you have feelings for him," Xander explained calmly having thought about it too much in his opinion.

"Faith was evil!" Willow quickly jumped in to defend Buffy.

"We all played a part in what sent her to join the Mayor," Xander shook his head. "None of us have clean hands. Regardless Buffy was going to use her as a human sacrifice to save Angel, Angel who died before America was founded and he's been walking the earth for twenty times as long as Faith had lived."

"Am I a monster?" Oz asked quietly.

"Not quite," Xander said shaking his head. "But I don't count you as a man either."

"How so," Giles asked, breaking in before Willow could start yelling.

"Unless someone was a close friend or there was something in it for him, he never involved himself."

"He saved me!" Willow quickly interjected.

"He wanted to fuck you," Cordelia said bluntly.

"I wanted a lot more than just to have sex with you," Oz assured Willow.

"My point still stands," Xander shrugged. "Jordy biting you was just a formality; you were always more wolf than man."

Oz nodded thoughtfully.

"And how am I a monster?" Willow demanded.

"Please," Cordelia snorted. "You're Harmony, if Harmony would have settled for being #2 in the social hierarchy, you agree with anything Buffy wants even if its evil."

"Casting necromantic curses that rip souls out of their just rewards probably counts against you too," Xander pointed out.

"And yourself?" Giles asked not wanting to hear about his own failings.

"I just lead a dozen, but probably three times that many, people to their death-" Xander began.

"And how many would have survived without your help?" Cordelia interrupted.

"All of them, none of them," Xander shrugged. "Without training they may all have fled before the assembly or the Mayor could have had a backup plan to prevent that too. It's not about what could have happened, it's about what did happen. I knew what positions would take the most casualties and I had to decide who was most expendable or competent to fill those spots and who would step in when they fell."

"That makes you a leader not a monster," Giles said.

Xander nodded. "And the fact that I won't shed a tear?" he asked. "I consider the lives well spent. With the forces we were facing I was prepared for much higher losses. I feel honored to have known them and I'm proud of the way they died, but I feel no regret."

No one had a response for him.

"I feel not even a hint of sadness," Xander said. "And that is why I know it's time to move on."

"You know your own mind best," Giles told him.

"So what are your plans?" Cordelia asked.

"I'll have some words with my army," Xander waved his hands toward the group of students that were gathered in the parking lot and occasionally glancing their way. "Then I will visit the injured in the hospital and get a final tally of how many lives my actions have cost, and finally, I will leave Sunnydale."

"It's not your fault!" Buffy blurted out.

"No," Xander agreed, "It's my responsibility."

"At least this is the last time you'll have to fight," Willow encouraged him.

Xander tilted his head to the side as he looked at her; confused. "What are you talking about?"

"No more Hellmouth, no more fighting," Willow replied.

"I'm hooking up with some independents in Chicago," he explained. "I'm through with the Hellmouth, not the fight."

The girls were speechless, never having considered the option.

"I wish you well," Giles said. "And do try and stay in contact."

"Are you going to welcome three AM calls to play identify the demon?" Xander asked.

"Only in an emergency," Giles said. "Early evening is a good time to call and exchange information otherwise."

"Thanks," Xander said. Turning to the others he simply said, "bye," and left.

"Are we…" Willow trailed off.

"Easily," Cordelia assured her. "He didn't mention the number of people that died because of Buffy fucking and then refusing to kill the monster she'd released with approval from everyone who thought dating a vampire was acceptable behavior. Then again maybe Xander was right and the Hellmouth had something to do with it, but that doesn't exactly absolve everyone of blame."

"I believe I promised you all that no one would get hurt and we'd all get through this," came Xander's voice, amplified through a bullhorn someone had handed him.

There were scattered laughs and a few catcalls from the gathered students.

"Anyone think I lied?" he asked, continuing a heartbeat later before anyone could respond. "Because I for one am feeling no pain."

Despite his battered appearance and the visible wounds he and the crowd shared, an approving cheer rang out.

He waited for it to die down. "Those that have fallen in battle are also feeling no pain," he assured them. "In a way I envy them."

The crowd listened intently and Cordelia rubbed her arms. "This is unreal," she whispered, even though they were far enough away that the students couldn't have heard them.

"I… didn't realize he was so well spoken," Giles said.

"He's not," Willow assured them.

"Those that fell will live on forever in our hearts and minds as well as setting an example that is damn hard to live up to. Regardless of what they've done with their lives up to now, they chose to fight and die so that others may live. Let us have a moment of silence for them, the Sunnydale Immortals." Xander held a fist over his heart and bowed his head as did the entire audience.

"Are you saying that's not Xander?" Giles whispered to Willow.

"It's like he's been possessed," Willow replied.

"By Patton?" Cordelia asked.

"Sunnydale Warriors, ten hut!"

The audience snapped to attention, right hand in a fist held over their heart.

"Warriors," Xander returned the salute and held it for a five count. "Dismissed!"

The Scoobs watched as Xander slumped against a car tiredly like the slacker they knew while the crowd dispersed.

**Typing by: Bankrupt samurai! **

**AN: Bit of a downer, but really the gang slid deeper and deeper into the grey areas as the show continued.**


	14. Chapter 14

**And taking names!**

Xander blinked and looked around. He was still wearing his costume, but he wasn't on the streets of Sunnydale escorting trick or treaters, he was sitting on a bed in someone else's room looking at…Big Daddy and Hit Girl. "Time out for a second, I think someone flipped two pages at once."

Big Daddy paused and took another look at Kick-Ass, whose entire demeanor had changed from his body language to his accent.

"I-I-what's going on?" Hit Girl asked nervously, her body language and tone so alien to Mindy Macready that Big Daddy actually shrank away from her in shock.

"Dawnie?" Xander asked, seeing the girl behind the body.

"Xander?" she replied happily.

"It's me, he assured her, and was hit a split second later by a short purple missile that was desperately in need of some assurance.

"What. Is. Going. On?" Big Daddy demanded slowly, confused and trying to cover his own worry about his daughter's strange behavior.

Xander rubbed Dawn's back. "Just your average hijinks from Sunnydale. We dressed as Kick-Ass and Hit Girl for Halloween and somehow boom, here we are."

"How would someone know to dress as my… Hit Girl?" Damon asked, not sure what to believe, halfway hoping his daughter was just pulling a prank, but unable to see any way the two could have gotten together without his knowledge to plan this.

"There was a movie and a comic book series based on Dave and Mindy," Xander explained. "You died and they continue on to take down D'Amico. There are some differences in the plot line between the movie and comic, but in both you get killed because D'Amico's son pretends to be a hero. His father sets him up as one by letting him turn in a couple of smaller operations as Red Mist. So make sure Dave knows about Red Mist and you can turn the trap around."

"You're serious," Damon said slowly, absently sitting on Dave's desk.

"How did this happen?" Dawn demanded.

Xander shrugged. "No idea, but I trust our friends to fix things, it just might take a couple of hours."

So we just wait?" Dawn asked.

"Wait and hope they return our bodies in good condition," Xander replied.

"Do things like this happen often?" Damon asked, the sheer impossibility of the situation getting to him.

"Switching bodies, yes. Switching realities? No," Xander said. "Halloween was supposed to be a quiet night too, all the demons stay in."

"You'd think it would be the opposite," Damon said.

"The demons feel it's too commercial," Xander explained. "Most feed off of fear as much as flesh and blood, and on Halloween people expect to see demons and feel scared so it sours the flavor for them. At least that's my guess."

Damon just shook his head. He really wished he could just brush this off as a prank, but he instinctively knew the two people on Dave's bed were strangers. "So… hours?"

"Halloween ends when the sun rises," Xander replied. "I'm guessing the spell will break then regardless."

"What do we do till then?" Dawn asked, making no move from Xander's arms.

"I see a deck of cards," Xander suggested, spotting a deck on Dave's desk.

**Several Hours Later…**

Big Daddy could tell the exact second they changed back, for one thing Mindy tackled him in a hug, which was a bit of a clue.

"You're alive," Dave said in shock.

"Last time I checked," Damon said, trying to comfort his daughter who was crying tears of joy.

"This has been one strange night," Dave said before getting up and checking his computer.

"What are you doing," Damon asked.

Dave didn't look up as he opened a word document and started typing. "I am getting some memories out before I forget. I mean for one thing I have to kill Chris D'Amico and I'd hate to forget that."

"But he hasn't killed me," Damon pointed out amused.

"He shot my partner several times in the chest," Dave said looking at Damon with eyes that seemed to glow with a feral hunger.

"Partner?" Damon asked, wondering if the kid was gay, he did sort of give off a 'one of the girls' vibe.

"Me," Mindy said wiping tears from her eyes. "Thankfully Kevlar did its thing, but it still hurt like a bitch."

"Partner?" Damon asked carefully as Dave went back to typing.

"Did you really think Hit Girl would just go away once D'Amico was dead?" Dave asked. "Chris is still around and even if he wasn't there are other crooks to deal with."

"The mission was D'Amico and his gang," Damon said, shocked that he hadn't thought of what Mindy would do once they'd won.

"The mission was to be heroes," Mindy said. "D'Amico was just one criminal among many."

"The cops are hampered by the very laws they protect," Dave said. "They know who the bad guys are, but can't legally do anything about them. Not with any degree of permanence anyway. That's where we come in."

"Rapists, muggers and murderers," Mindy listed off. "They're our bread and butter."

"I see," Damon said slowly. "And Marcus allows this?" He was guessing Marcus was her guardian as he had signed the papers just in case something happened to him.

"As long as I maintain my grades in school and take the appropriate precautions," Mindy said cheerfully.

"Never give an order you know won't be obeyed," Dave said, quoting a bit of military lore.

"I love my life," Mindy said with a bright smile. "I attend school during the day and patrol at night. People look up to me and criminals run from me."

"Except we're back in time, so that all hasn't happened yet," Dave pointed out.

"So I still got my dad and you aren't bumping uglies with Katie," Hitgirl said. "Both good things, cause that bitch is crazy and getting clingy."

Dave chuckled. "She still thinks of me as her gay best friend at this point, and… you may be right."

I always am," Hitgirl said with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah," Dave said rolling his eyes. "Well, I suggest we rape D'Amico's business and get him stirred up, then this weekend we come in through the ground floor while Big Daddy uses the jetpack and takes out the head."

"Scorched earth?" she asked.

"No survivors," he agreed. "This time I'll slit Chris' throat so we don't have to see him again."

"Now if only you knew the winning lottery numbers," she said with a laugh.

Dave just grinned.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Alright who squealed?**

There are caves and caverns below Sunnydale and in the hills near it for that matter. Of course you'd have to be insane or a demon to go into them. I'm not a demon… at least I hope not, but that would explain the type of girls I attract… I can probably blame the old Harris luck. So why am I currently running into the aforementioned caverns?

"Don't wear yourself out running boy!" a vamp yelled. "I want you to have some fight left in you so you can squeal for me!"

There are quite a few fates worse than death and generally you can identify them by the fact that it's something bad happening to you immediately followed by death. It's like insult to injury. So not only do I have a vampire after me, but I have a vampire 'after' me, if you get my drift and he thinks the movie Deliverance was a wholesome family film. Can a motorhome be considered an actual home and prevent vampires from entering without permission? IF I survive this I'm going to find out, because convertibles sure as hell don't.

I stumble over a stalag…mite or tite? I stumble over a pointy rock and almost twist my ankle, which convinces me to concentrate on running and less on thinking. My mind can't help but come up with some pretty graphic scenes based on what the vamp chasing me is yelling (and why the hell does he have the breath to yell when vamps have no breath?) and I start yelling myself…yell scream, same difference except for the lack of meaningful information.

Of course, running through caverns in darkness is a pretty bad idea; the fact that I haven't fallen into an underground ravine or ran into a wall is pure luck on my part.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Batgirl raised an eyebrow as she saw Robin in his latest attempt at a more adult version of his costume. It was an exact duplicate of Batman's trademark look, but in Robin's traditional colors, green bottom, red top and yellow cape and accents.

"So how do I look?" Robin said proudly, as he passed under one of the spotlights that lit up the Batcave.

"You look…" Batgirl trailed off trying to think of something diplomatic to say about the color blind batman in front of her, but came up with nothing.

Batman adopted his famous stoneface impersonation and was currently wishing for something to come up so he wouldn't have to answer when the sound of a scream reached their ears and rapidly increased in volume until a dark haired young man sprinted into the cave and ran right into Batman.

"Gay vampire!" he yelled in Batman's face before Batman calmly popped a spray can off his belt and sent him to dreamland.

Batman and Batgirl looked over at Robin.

"Fine, I'll stick with the classics," Robin muttered before stomping off.

"Computer, alpha level scan, find out who he is and how he got in here. Lock down all entrances and exits until further notice," Batman ordered as he knelt down and frisked the unconscious young man.

**Three hours later…**

"Prints aren't on file anywhere and I can't find any biometric scan matches in any database either," Batgirl announced.

"His ID is fake, but the quality is top of the line," Batman said shaking his head. "Nothing in his wallet is real, even the money is as fake as the name of the city he came from."

"How much longer is Alex going to be out for?" Robin asked, once more dressed in his traditional outfit.

"Considering his height weight and general level of fitness…" Batman began only to be interrupted by the young man sitting up and yelling, "But I don't want to squeal like a pig!"

Batman flicked his wrist and a dart appeared in the screaming man's neck, knocking him out. "He should have been out for another forty five minutes."

"Well nothing he was carrying on him has given us any meaningful information so we'll have to get the answers from him if we want to find out who he is and how he got in here," Batgirl said.

"Leave that to me," Batman said with a smirk.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Batgirl and Robin hid in the shadows, well out of sight of the man who was dangling by one leg off the side of the thirty story building, easily held up by Batman. Batman looked at his watch and waited. "He's much more resistant to drugs than he should be," he said just loud enough for the other two to hear him. "I suspect he's been on a strict dosage regimen, similar to my own to enhance his ability to burn through them."

"Wha-ha?" Xander muttered as he slowly awoke, disoriented.

"Who are you?" Batman demanded, giving him a small shake. He was completely unprepared for 'Alex' to kick his wrist with his free foot, knocking the hand he was holding him up by loose and allowing him to drop half a foot before the rope tied around him stopped him from falling.

"Death before Deliverance and gay vampires!" Xander swore.

"Dude, I changed back to my normal outfit," Robin swore.

"Dick?" Xander asked as he blinked and looked at where he was.

"How'd…" Robin looked at him in shock.

"Barbra, Bruce," Xander added thoughtfully as he hung upside down. "Either I have run into a stalag-thingy and knocked myself stupid…or I'm not in Sunnydale anymore."

"How do you know our identities?!" Batman demanded.

"Wow!" Xander said staring wide eyed at Robin. "That's one hell of a fantasy about Barbara."

"I didn't!" Robin defended himself.

"A meta," Batman growled.

"Yeah," Xander rolled his eyes. "Like you aren't using magic to keep up."

"What?!" Batman asked, wondering what the meta was talking about.

"Your physical stats are Olympic level or better and yet you don't have to spend every second training to keep them there."

"Everything I do is calculated to keep me on that edge," Batman growled, "Diet, exercise, meditation."

"Your totem is the bat," Xander said with a grin feeling a bit loopy. "Like an American Indian warrior you found and enhanced your totem, which is why and how you manage to maintain your physical health. The Bat makes you work for it, but once you have it, it helps you keep that edge. Gotta love totems." He never thought that bit of comic lore would actually come in handy. Xander started looking a little green and Robin quickly turned him towards the alley before he puked up everything in his stomach.

"Good distance," Robin said.

"Thanks," Xander replied sickly. "I think some went up my nose. Mind cutting me down?"

"You going to claim I'm fantasizing about Batgirl again?"

"Well one of us is having a fantasy involving her every twelve seconds…ok that's probably me."

'How do you know all this if you aren't' a telepath?" Batman asked while considering what Xander had said while Robin cut him down.

"Alternative reality," Xander muttered trying to climb to his feet, but having little success.

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**

**AN: I was experimenting with first person a bit, but meh. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Team 7; Sensei's, We don't need no stinking Sensei's!**

"Come at me with the intent to kill or you have no chance," Kakashi swore.

The three genin exchanged glances.

"You want to die?" Naruto asked carefully, saying what they were all thinking.

"What?" Kakashi asked confused.

"Don't give up; you have a lot to live for!" Sakura exclaimed.

"We don't know that for sure," Sasuke said shaking his head.

"He's got that orange book he likes so much," Naruto said, trying to back Sakura up.

"I have more than that," Kakashi said indignantly.

"That's the spirit," Naruto encouraged him. "Life is worth living and tomorrow is another day!"

"I said come at me with the intent to kill because anything less than going all out against me is worthless."

"It's an order," Sasuke pointed out. "It's our own duty to kill him."

"I…Sasuke's right," Sakura agreed. "If a superior nin gives the order to perform a final mercy it's our duty to do so."

"I… if you say so Sakura," Naruto said sadly.

Kakashi rolled his one visible eye. "On the count of three."

"We need to fall back and plan so we can make it quick and painless," Sasuke said.

"Agreed," Naruto said just as Kakashi got to three. "Shadow clone jutsu!"

The three genin vanished into the forest while dozens of Narutos kept Kakashi busy.

"Anyone have any one shot killing moves?" Sasuke asked. "Because I've got exploding tags and a Katon jutsu."

"I have senbon and some numbing agents," Sakura said.

"I can make a thousand shadow clones and I'm good with traps," Naruto offered.

"Does the shadow clone jutsu duplicate all your gear?" Sasuke asked as an idea hit him.

"Yeah…"

Kakashi actually had to pocket his little orange book to clear out all the clones keeping him in place, as they were very adept at dodging and were fighting defensively to delay, rather than defeat him. As he started to leave the clearing he had to dodge a sudden rain of senbon and not just a few either, there were enough needles raining down to make a Rain-nin jealous, and then the number doubled and tripled.

Kakashi managed to avoid getting stuck anywhere important and most of the needles vanished after a few seconds, but the… extract they were coated with didn't causing a growing numbness and a bit of confusion to his well ordered mind. Kakashi stood and smiled waving gaily at the crowds as confetti rained down on his parade, countless tiny pieces of paper blanketing the clearing and turning the world white.

Sakura and Naruto waved back at him sadly as Sasuke took a deep breath and blew a fireball into the blizzard of explosive tags.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Hokage and a full ANBU team reached the crater and started extinguishing any stray fires they found while searching for the cause of the explosion. A downed tree trunk split in half revealing a Team 7 that looked slightly burned around the edges.

The Hokage was there in a second making sure his adopted grandson was ok. "Naruto, are you injured?"

"I'm okay, jiji," Naruto said loudly. "I just can't hear too well yet!"

Med nin took care of Sasuke and Sakura leaving Naruto in the Hokage's capable hands.

Sarutobi healed Naruto's eardrums. "There, now what happened?"

"Our sensei ordered us to give him the final mercy," Naruto said sadly.

"Kakashi…" the Hokage trailed off in shock.

"Naruto nodded sadly. "We tried to tell him he had a lot to live for, but we didn't know him well enough to know what to say to change his mind."

"How did that lead to… that?" the Hokage asked kindly pointing at the massive crater that had replaced the clearing and was at least twenty feet deep.

"He wanted to go out in battle," Sasuke reported, his hearing restored. "He ordered us to come at him with everything we had and lacking any suitable assassination techniques to make it quick, we had to improvise."

"Improvise?" one of the ANBU asked.

"Enough explosive tags to take out the front gates and a large amount of sedative senbon so he wouldn't feel it," Sasuke said gravely.

"He stood in the center and waved cheerfully, before we set them off," Sakura said, before bursting into tears and collapsing into Sasuke's arms.

"We did what we were ordered to do," Sasuke said. "We gave him the final mercy and we ensured it was impressive enough that he could be proud of the manner of his death."

"Meeting a genin team doesn't count as hazardous duty which allows the final mercy. If we put down suicide he won't get his name on the monument," an ANBU member said. "Like his father, he'll be forgotten."

"No," Sakura whimpered in horror as Sasuke's arms tightened around her. All students in the leaf's ninja academy knew what a grave dishonor it was to die and not get one's name on the monument… to be forgotten.

"No!" Naruto growled fiercely. "He told us to come at him with everything we had and he underestimated us. It wasn't suicide; it was a training accident in service to Konoha!"

"Do you really think anyone's going to buy that kid?" a chunin snorted. "That a couple of academy students were dangerous enough to off an elite jounin?"

Sakura stood up tears forgotten and fury in her movements as her hands reached for her senbon. "He will not be forgotten!"

Sasuke nodded. "Training accidents can happen to anyone," he said glaring at the man.

"Please, you couldn't threaten a field mouse," he snorted.

"Naruto," Sasuke called out.

"Shadow clone jutsu," Naruto said in a voice like thunder and the world seemed to pause before a wind rippled through the air staining it orange.

Sasuke, Sakura and countless Narutos glared at the man.

"Are you requesting the final mercy?" Sasuke asked.

The chunin wet himself and passed out.

"This incident is classified," the Hokage announced quickly. "Take him to Ibiki."

"Kakashi Hatake will not be forgotten," Sarutobi said. "If you three are okay with taking the blame… we'll make it the official explanation."

"Thanks jiji," Naruto said and spontaneously formed a group hug involving the Hokage, his team, the medics and nearly all of ANBU.

"We'll have to appear a bit more badass to make it believable," Sasuke said uncomfortably.

"Oh, yeah," Naruto said dismissing his clones and creating enough chakra smoke to resemble a forest fire.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

A grey haired figure surfaced from the water of the lake, most of his clothes missing and covered in light burns. "Ribbit," he said to a very confused frog before pushing him off his lily pad to sit on it himself.

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**

**AN: Just an idea I had for Kakashi really screwing up and the incident drastically changing the way Team 7 came together.**


	17. Chapter 17

**D'Jin**

Smoke poured out of the ornate glass bottle making Xander drop it as he coughed and stumbled backwards until the smoke coalesced into a dark skinned man in what appeared to be harem garb with a scimitar in his belt.

The man examined himself. "You humans have a very weird idea on how genies are supposed to dress."

"I blame Disney," Xander replied numbly as he picked up and examined the bottle.

The dark skinned man snapped his fingers and became Xander's twin. "This is a lot more comfortable."

"Genie in the bottle?" Xander asked calmly.

"Yep, three wishes and the bottle vanishes for a decade while I enjoy some time off," the Genie said happily.

"Shouldn't I be panicking or doing the snoopy dance?"

"Magically enforced calm to prevent heart attacks," the Genie explained.

"I'm not likely to have a heart attack," Xander pointed out.

"True, but giving you clarity of thought should speed up my job immensely."

"You have to help out the person who freed you until all three wishes are cast," Xander guessed, as he racked his brain for tales of genies beyond sitcoms.

"Yep and since my personal magic powers are pretty damn impressive I've had masters last years before they wasted all three wishes with unguarded words."

"And thinking clearly I'll know it's best to make wishes on purpose rather than on accident and that pissing off the genie granting them is probably not the smartest move," Xander said.

"Of course officially all I'm doing is making sure you don't have a heart attack," the genie said with a grin.

"You are not only powerful you're also intelligent," Xander said thoughtfully. "What would I need to do to get that brain working on my side?"

"Don't be a dick for one, no trying to screw me over and keep me around, 'cause I'm ready to party and I need these wishes done so I can go!"

"Would you mind making my home and all our possessions new, shiny, repaired and clean? I'll trust your judgment on that and it should make my parents happy so we can skip out of here and consult the girls on what to wish for," Xander explained.

The genie nodded and snapped his fingers sending a wave of energy across the attic that straightened and cleaned everything. "That's reasonable."

"Glad to hear it, let's go."

The two climbed down the ladder letting it fold itself back up into the attic.

"Whoa," Xander said, sounding slightly sarcastic thanks to his magically enforced calmness. "I don't think it looked this good new."

"Creative license," the genie replied as they entered the living room.

Reality seemed to blink for Xander because he found himself on the front porch.

"I blanked the last three seconds from your mind as a favor," the genie explained. "I cleaned and repaired your parents so they look and feel loads younger."

"Couch?" Xander guessed. "Nevermind, I don't want **confirmation**."

"Giles is at the school library," the genie said, "we could teleport over but I'd like to stretch my legs a bit."

"No problem," Xander said, "Even with the whole clarity and calmness thing I got going on, I need some time to sort my thoughts."

'Money, fame, and power,' Xander thought to himself. They were the basic three wishes for a reason even though they all had their downsides.

Money could solve a lot of problems, but being rich attracted people who wanted it for themselves running the risk of kidnapping and having to deal with leeches your entire life, not to mention the IRS.

Fame held the same problems with an added loss of privacy, especially these days when everyone had a camera and tabloids paid big bucks for sleazy photos and made up scandals.

Power… was said to corrupt and Xander could admit there was that possibility, but he believed it was more that those that were already corrupt sought power.

A modest amount of money and a decent amount of power would probably be the best outcome so all that he really needed was a way to insure he worded the wishes properly.

Xander and the genie entered the library causing all the Scoobs to stare.

"Why are there two of you?" Oz asked when it became obvious no one else was going to.

"I'm the genie of the bottle," the second Xander said waving at everyone.

"Three wishes?" Oz asked causing the girls eyes to widen and Giles to pale.

"Exactly," Xander agreed. "My friend here will even be helpful and not do the whole monkey paw thing, provided I make the wishes before sunrise so he can go on vacation and not be stuck hanging around and forced to be a secret."

"Shouldn't you be jumping around like Red on a caffeine high?" Faith asked.

"He's keeping me calm so I can make the wishes with a clear head."

"You could bring back Angel!" Buffy said excitedly.

"No bringing back the dead," the genie said flatly. "I am not allowed to move the dead-alive line on anyone. There is a safeguard put in place so no one wishes for world peace which would require me to kill nearly the entire human race."

Giles winced. "Thank god for that."

"What are your limitations?" Willow asked.

The genie looked over at Xander who nodded for him to go on.

"I affect the present alone, I don't kill or resurrect people, and finally I am limited in affecting people's minds so I don't infringe on free will," the genie explained. "Also, though I think this is self-explanatory I have a feeling with you lot I better add no altering universal constants!"

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**

**AN: I have half a dozen genie starts that never went anywhere. This is one of them.**


	18. Chapter 18

**In a funk!**

"Where's Xander?" Giles asked.

"I checked his room on the way in," Andrew said. "He's not there."

"His bed look slept in?" Faith asked.

"No, in fact it was completely stripped," Andrew replied.

"I was thinking he might've got lucky, so the bed would have either been not slept in or really messed up," Faith offered. "But missing sheets? Only thing I can think of is he had to disappear a dead hooker."

Muffled snorts and rolled eyes went around the table.

"He's not Ben Affleck," Dawn defended him.

Andrew shrugged. "All I know is his room is dark and the bed is missing everything including his pillow."

Willow's eyes shot open and she quickly turned to Andrew. "His room faces east, why was it dark?"

"He covered his windows in aluminum foil," Andrew replied. "And his light bulb is gone."

Willow groaned.

"What?" asked half a dozen voices.

"Today's the anniversary of something, give me a second," Willow said sorting through dates in her head.

"It's the day he didn't marry Anya," Dawn said.

"How'd you get the answer faster than Willow?" Kennedy asked in surprise.

"She's got a lot more history and dates to keep track of, besides this was an almost great but terrible day in my own history," Dawn said with a sigh. "Mixed emotions across the board."

"Really?" Kennedy asked curiously, having only heard vague rumors about the event.

"Xander almost got married, he was given a magic head trip by one of Anya's past victims, rather than help him deal with having his mind fucked with she dumped him," Dawn said flatly.

"It wasn't…" Willow trailed off. "Yeah, I guess it was like that."

"So I was happy and sad," Dawn continued. "Sad he was sad, happy he was single and pissed that Buffy wouldn't let me comfort him in his hour of need."

"I don't think having you take advantage of him in his weakened state would have helped him any," Buffy said dryly.

"You make it sound like he was a wounded gazelle and I was a lion," Dawn said. "I planned on tripping him and beating him to the floor, not killing and eating him."

"Yeah, that would have been a big help," Willow said sarcastically.

"Actually it would have," Woods spoke up.

"Really?" several voices chorused in shock.

"Really," Giles confirmed. "It would have done no end of good for his mental state to burn off a lot of his confusion and worry. Women have chocolate, men have sex."

"Which doesn't help us figure out where he is now or why his bed is stripped bare," Faith spoke up. "And I got twenty that says he pulled an Affleck."

"He's still in his room," Willow said before any bets could be made.

"But I looked," Andrew argued.

"He's under the bed," Willow said.

The entire room fell silent as they stared at Willow.

"Oh like you guys never do anything childish," Willow said glaring at the group.

"Not that childish," Buffy said.

"So I can throw out any stuffed animals in your room?" Willow asked.

"Don't you touch Mr. Gordo!" Buffy yelled, before blushing and sitting down.

"Most of us aren't that bad," Faith quickly shot out.

"Andrew… too easy," Willow said ignoring his hurt look. "Giles actually has bubble bath and a rubber duck, Faith and Robin made a teepee out of Spike's old duster and told ghost stories to each other while hiding under it."

"My mom used that jacket for that purpose when I was a kid," Robin retorted. "We were simply sharing childhood memories."

"Which doesn't change the fact that it's childish," Willow said. "We all have childish things we do, this is simply one of ours."

"Ours?" Kennedy asked curiously.

"I'm better at hiding it than he is," Willow admitted. "And I haven't done it in years," she quickly added.

"Well I'm not going to let him mope under his bed," Buffy announced standing up. "I'm going to drag him out from under there and cheer him up!"

"This isn't going to end well," Willow groaned before chasing after her, followed by everyone else.

Buffy opened Xander's door and flipped the light switch, remembering a second later that Andrew had said that the bulb was gone.

"I know you're under there Xander!" Buffy announced. "Don't make me drag you out of there!"

"Don't you think you're over-" Willow began just before Buffy announced, "I warned you!" and crawled under the bed vanishing quickly.

"I didn't think there was that much room under there," Kennedy remarked.

A tennis shoe flew out from under the bed. "I'll send you out piece by piece!" Buffy yelled.

A second later one of Buffy's red flats flew out.

Willow sighed as shoes and socks were flung out.

"You'd think being a slayer would be enough to give her the advantage," Kennedy said as Buffy's blouse made an appearance.

"There's an art to it," Willow muttered before dropping to the floor. "Stop it you two," Willow ordered before Xander's pants smacked her in the face. "That's it, I'm coming in!"

Faith moved up next to Kennedy and the two watched as pieces of Willow's clothes joined the pile.

"All three of them are almost naked at this point," Faith pointed out as a bright red bra hit the pile.

Kennedy nodded and waved everyone back. "I think it's best if we just handle getting Xander out of his funk by ourselves, thanks."

Faith raised an eyebrow, getting what Kennedy was implying. "I thought you were gay?"

"I'm a bit curious," Kennedy admitted. "Plus he did get a thumb shoved in his eye saving me, I don't think I'm going to find a guy I feel safer around… ever."

"So you figure it's his turn to insert something in you?" Faith asked amused.

"Close enough," Kennedy said shoving Faith out and locking the door.

"There is no way there is enough room for three people to move around under that bed, much less four," Dawn complained.

Faith held up a book she'd palmed off the nightstand.

Giles took the book and examined it. "Shadow magic, well that explains quite a lot."

"Care to translate for the rest of us?" Woods asked.

"Shadow magic is primarily used for changing boundaries, but requires a great deal of power to function," Giles explained.

Faith and Dawn exchanged confused looks.

"A little simpler please," Woods asked.

"That is as simple as it gets, but I'll explain how it applies here," Giles allowed. "Xander has used magic to expand the space under his bed."

"Doesn't Xander plus magic equal BOOM?" Faith asked.

"Not quite," Giles said. "Some chaotic effects have occurred whenever magic was applied to him, but at times it's proven quite beneficial. For instance, the enjoining spell would normally have required a lot more power and skill to pull off, but Xander's whole hearted assistance made up for my own failings."

"Yoink!" Faith snatched the book from Gile's hand. "Let's see how well this works on leather teepees."

Giles sighed and cleaned his glasses as the two left. "I'm surrounded by children."

"Says the man with a rubber ducky," Dawn replied with a grin.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Just a fun little thing I typed up.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Unnamed Rant**

"You children need to clear out," a wizard Harry didn't recognize said.

Ron who drew a breath to protest quieted when Harry put a hand on his arm. "They don't do anything that really matters," Harry assured him, "or we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place."

"Now see here," Hestia began.

"I've fought Voldemort several times," Harry interrupted her, making most of the room flinch, "and the only help I've had are the 'children' you want to dismiss as unimportant or shouldn't be involved and I have no doubt I'll be facing him again."

"Pott-" Snape began to growl when Sirius silenced him.

"If they'd actually done anything in the last decade we wouldn't have Death Eaters in control of the government," Harry explained, "and if they're not willing to do anything about murderers and rapists running around loose for the last decade, what makes you think they're going to do anything now?"

"Harry," Dumbledore said, "everyone deserves a chance to change."

"There is a muggle saying, Headmaster, 'Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent.' The only people who deserve second chances are those who ask for them and are willing to work for it. Do you really believe that the Death Eaters you allowed to bribe their way out of jail haven't raped or killed anyone since then? Ever wonder why the number of muggleborns is so much lower than it should be?"

"So, what?" A witch asked sarcastically. "We should just kill them?"

"Yes," Harry said flatly, "murderers and rapists you can't lock away from society you should kill."

"Killing is never the answer," Dumbledore said sadly, "it's a dark path you're walking down."

"Really?" Harry said rolling his eyes. "OK, show of hands who here thought I shouldn't have killed Voldemort in my first year to prevent him from getting the philosopher's stone?"

Not a single hand was raised.

"How about second year when I had to kill him to prevent Ginny's death, anyone?"

Again not a hand was raised.

"So it's fine for me to let me do your killing for you, but not for you to bloody your own hands?!"

"You shouldn't have been in those situations in the first place!" Minerva exclaimed.

"So you're voting that I allow Voldemort to regain his body and let people die?" Harry asked mock curiously.

"I'm saying that next time you get a bloody adult instead of trying to handle things you have no business interfering in!" Minerva replied losing her temper.

"You mean like when I told you Voldemort was going after the stone?" Harry asked dryly. "The first year I was in Hogwarts you took as many points away from me for being out after curfew once as I received from Dumbledore for killing Voldemort again! And that's not even counting the detentions you gave me which you guys apparently decided that sending me out unarmed into the forbidden forest at night to face Voldemort would teach me a damn good lesson about not getting caught out after hours!"

"Well that prank you played on Neville was cruel," Minerva retorted indignantly.

"There was no prank!" Harry yelled. "Neville even said straight out he overheard it from Draco, so where is the chain of logic that leads from that to me picking on one of my friends?!"

"Well your father-" Minerva began.

"Is fucking dead!" Harry yelled. "But from what I keep hearing from you and Snape I'm apparently supposed to be an exact clone and responsible for everything he's done." Harry took a deep breath and calmed down. "Hermione make a note we need to kill all the children of Death Eaters as they are responsible for their actions and will behave the exact same way."

"I'm sure they didn't mean it that way," Dumbledore said. "Children are not responsible for the sins of the parent."

"I'd believe that more if not for the fact that your teachers respond otherwise. Now where was I? Oh yes, you are the worst head of house ever, period. I told you Voldemort was going after the stone and you didn't even bother to listen just threatened to take away even more points. Well I learned my lesson, never ever go to my head of house with a problem unless I feel like being punished for it and receiving no help anyway."

"Well… you were out after curfew," she finally said.

"So next year I grabbed the defense professor when I had a problem since the adults helped fuck all when I was discovering the problem, and that bastard tried to obliviate us so he could take the credit for discovering the chamber of secrets."

"There are other teachers," Dumbledore offered.

"You mean like Snape?" Harry asked dryly. "He was a lot of help when we captured Pettigrew and discovered Sirius was innocent wasn't he?"

"He was just trying to protect you," Dumbledore said.

"No he was trying to get revenge on someone he hated and is the worst double agent in the history of double agents," Harry said. "He knows who the Death Eaters are and that Sirius wasn't one, but then I have no doubt you do too. If Sirius was cleared he'd be my personal guardian instead of you so you didn't do a damn thing to help him."

"What do you mean Snape is a poor spy," Dumbledore asked, trying to change the subject.

"If he was truly reformed as you claim he wouldn't act like he does. The only reason you would allow him to behave that way is if he was your spy and everyone knows it."

"The Dark Lord would've killed me!" Snape claimed, as he finally managed to break free of Sirius' silencing spell.

"Why should he?" Harry asked. "You've spent the last decade and a half doing his work for him."

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore asked.

"I mean Snape has laid the groundwork for this whole mess. You need a NEWT in potions to become an auror, among other jobs and for the last fifteen years, since you gave him the job, he's harassed everyone but the Slytherin's into quitting and convinced them that Voldemort was right."

"I've done no such thing!" Snape yelled.

Harry continued on as if Snape hadn't said a word. "Guess which house produced most of our current auror force and a great deal of our politicians, all of which were taught that mudbloods and blood traitors were below them and had that view reinforced while at Hogwarts?"

The murmurs from the Order members talking to each other got a little louder.

"If Voldemort had thought I was loyal to him, then why didn't he come to me for help when he was possessing Quirrel?" Snape demanded.

"You're loyal to his philosophy not to him personally," Harry replied. "Voldemort told me there is no good or evil, only power and those too weak to seek it. You are loyal to whoever has the most power, so he'd be a fool to go to you when he was weak. No, Voldemort is quite happy with you for convincing everyone that his philosophy is correct, hell you've convinced me."

"How has he convinced you?" Dumbledore demanded.

"I'd say prosecuting people for who their parents are with no repercussions and being a huge bastard, has demonstrated adequately that good and evil aren't really important just power."

"Gryffindor has won the house cup for several years running," Snape said quickly.

"Because I have friends in high places, according to the Slytherin philosophy," Harry shrugged it off. "It really only matters for a short period of time, a matter of hours, but for the entire year the Slytherin's are in the lead because Snape never takes points from his own house and takes massive amounts from everyone else for any reason he can think of. In my first class he took points from me for Neville blowing up his cauldron in the row behind me, yet you take points away if I try and help someone else. He insults and belittles children from any but dark families and never has to do more than pay lip service to good in the headmaster's presence. No, he's practically the poster boy for the Death Eaters, he embodies their entire philosophy; embrace the dark or be abused."

There were a number of pale faces now, Snape among them, much to Harry's surprise. 'Apparently he thought he was being good.'

"There is another muggle saying, 'the only thing that has to happen for evil to triumph is for good men to stand aside and do nothing.' Guess what you lot have done?" Harry asked rhetorically. "The blood of everyone those bastards have raped and murdered is on your hands, and don't think for a second that those numbers aren't in the hundreds if not thousands. Death Eaters love to torture and kill muggles and muggleborn and anyone else they consider beneath them, they were doing it long before Voldemort arrived and they continued it after he was gone with your assistance by setting them free."

Harry waited until the words had a chance to soak in before continuing, "And you consider me dark for wanting those that prey on the innocent dead? You lot have so much blood on your hands for allowing this that it's no wonder you want to protect them, for fear you'll be judged just as damned as they are. You've turned the magical world into a cesspit of corruption and decay that turns my stomach. When Voldemort returns and your world stands in ruins, because he lives to destroy, don't expect me to save you cause I think I'll be better off starting fresh than trying to clean up your society."

The group sat in silence as Harry stormed off, followed by his friends.

"Are things really that bad?" George asked, when they entered the Black family library.

"Worse," Harry said bluntly. "Your Dad's job exists because people like to curse muggles for a few laughs, the Minister is directly in the Death Eaters pockets via Malfoy which everyone knows, and most muggleborn aren't."

"Aren't what?" Hermione asked, not sure she wanted to know.

"They aren't muggleborn. Dark families see nothing wrong with using muggles for a little fun and don't care what happens to the girl afterwards and that's not even counting the Death Eaters who decided that killing would draw too much attention so a quick obliviate will have to do."

"So I'm…" Hermione began paling.

"Probably descended from a squib line," Harry explained. "Light families at least send their squibs out into the muggle world, rather than killing them, and with a healthy infusion of muggle DNA into their bloodline they are much more likely to give rise to strong witches and wizards."

"But I could be-" Hermione said slowly.

"The child of a dark family?" Harry asked. "Unless you're some kind of a bigot, why would it matter? Sirius is the product of a dark family and so is Tonks. You don't have a problem with them, do you?"

"I was more concerned with my Mum being raped," Hermione lied angrily.

"Oh, well your parents are doctors, so if any funny business was going on they'd have mentioned it when you entered Hogwarts."

"Yeah," Hermione agreed smiling.

"Are you really going to let the wizarding world burn?" Ron asked.

"There isn't enough good left in it to save," Harry said bluntly. "Ron, your family is among the lightest and even you guys shun squib relatives. You told me that first year. No, I'm afraid if I want a magical society that I can be proud of I'll have to start it myself."

"Seriously?!" Hermione asked in shock.

"Yeah, I'm thinking either Australia or Africa, though I hear there are a few South American countries that would probably fit the bill and no one would miss," Harry said thoughtfully.

"What are you planning to do?" Fred asked.

"Well in Australia or Africa I could just carve out a large section of uninhabited land and make it vanish. There are also sections of Alaska or the Antarctic I could do that to as well for that matter. With South America we have small countries being run by corrupt dictators where the people are little better off than slaves. I could take over one of those easy enough and with their small population of muggles on my side they could integrate with whatever wizards or witches I bring with me to insure that we don't become inbred like England."

"You've put a lot of thought into this," Hermione said.

"No real research yet, but yeah," Harry admitted. "I should have a sizable influx of magical refugees with Voldemort kicking off the next war to insure a decent population and with the right words and vows I'll be set."

"Vows?" Hermione asked.

"We don't need to allow corruption from the old world to corrupt the new. I fully intend to make sure unbreakable vows are used on everyone in authority. We have the tools to avoid corruption and I intend to use them."

"This is big," Ron said wide eyed.

"This is small," Harry corrected, "Voldemort will make it big."

"And if the war doesn't come up and Dumbledore stops him?" Hermione asked.

"Then I'll get the muggleborns and light families that don't want to deal with a corrupt government and discrimination. I fully intend for there to be equality among the races. Most people thinks that involves letting other species stick their noses in everyone's business, but that's because they aren't thinking things through. Merfolk aren't concerned with things out of water unless it affects them and Goblins are the same above ground, so each species will have free reign in their sovereign territory."

"Sounds more like a collection of governments," she said.

"It basically is," Harry admitted. "The government will be mainly concerned with how people can cooperate without stepping on anyone's toes, not enforcing one species views on another or oppressing their own population."

"How long have you been planning this?" Hermione asked.

"I've only decided to do this just now, but I have thought about it, mostly when I'm locked up at the Dursley's and have no one to talk to or exchange letters with. Jail cells without Dementors give you time to think."

"So, what are you going to name it?' Ron asked, trying to dispel the uneasy silence that fell.

"Something beginning with the letter A," Harry replied absently as he looked through one of the libraries many bookshelves.

"Why A?" Hermione asked.

"Avalon, Atlantis, great magical kingdoms beginning with A," Harry replied as he found an interesting book on warding.

"Sounds reasonable," George allowed.

"Australia sounds more promising than Africa," Fred said unfolding a magical map of the world and tapping it with his wand to make it focus on Australia.

"The forests of Mu are practically empty," Ginny pointed out.

"Forests of Mu?" Harry asked.

"They're already unplottable and possess the only free-roaming dragon wings left," she read. "Muggle repelling wards were added in 1630 to prevent their discovery by muggles."

"How big an area?" Harry asked curiously.

"They used four monolith stones to anchor the wards," Fred said with a smile.

"One could cover Scotland and Ireland," Ron said much to everyone's surprise. "What? I listen to Bill when he talks about ward breaking."

"So why hasn't someone done what I'm planning on doing?" Harry asked.

"No idea," Hermione eventually said, as everyone exchanged looks and shrugged.

"Purebloods pretty much rule the coasts and had no reason to leave," George offered.

"And muggleborn return to the muggle world if they don't like the magic one," Fred added.

"It's laziness," Ron offered. "You have to blaze your own trail there, rather than just find another job and place to live. If you don't like magical England you move to magical America, you don't head for the wilds."

"And he knows laziness," the twins chorused seriously.

"You could raise a castle like Hogwarts," Harry said a far off look in his eyes.

"You'd need to," Ginny agreed, "Dragons fly free among other things. It's not civilized like here."

"I'd prefer Manticores to Malfoy and serpents to Snape," Harry said. "I think I'll talk to the goblins before making any plans."

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**

**AN: Just a little rant I wrote at some point while bored.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Wishes**

"We could wish to have the person we settle down with, you know the one we get in the end, with us right here and now!" Willow said excitedly. "No bad first dates and relationships just *boom* true love!"

"I… actually that would be pretty cool," Xander admitted.

"Only if everyone agrees they can't make fun of, interfere or get mad about it," Buffy said, seeing a way to get Xander to lay off her and Angel.

"Deal," Xander agreed, knowing what Buffy was trying to be subtle about, but damn sure a centuries old corpse wasn't her true love even if she wasn't Xander's either.

"That works for me," Willow said, hoping to have Xander.

"Genie, so I wish," Xander said, letting the genie handle the details.

"OK, but just so you know I have to alter a universal constant for that," the genie said. "Fortunately it would have been altered in a couple of years anyway, so I won't count it against you."

There was a flash of light and a dark-haired girl that didn't look old enough for high school appeared in Willow's lap.

"Uh?" Willow mumbled, red faced and stunned.

The young girl blinked as the genie's magic whispered what was going on into her mind. "Hah, I told mom it wasn't just a phase!" Kennedy said smugly, throwing her arms around Willow.

"Willow's gay?" Xander asked.

"And likes them young?" Buffy asked awkwardly.

"Normally she wouldn't meet Kennedy until she was about your age, we are working on an accelerated schedule here," the genie reminded them.

The room filled with glowing green energy that slowly condensed into a naked brunette near Kennedy's age on Xander's lap.

"Uh?" Xander asked, mirroring Willow's earlier reaction, before stripping off his shirt to cover the girl.

"And they have similar tastes in dates," Buffy noted, hoping she wasn't going to end up with an underage brunette in her own lap, male or female, clothed or otherwise.

The Genies magic finished up the spell the Monks would have cast and everyone remembered 'Dawn'.

"I knew it!" Dawn said happily, wrapping her arms around Xander. "I was made for you!"

"I'm trying not to be mad here," Buffy said slowly. "But… when?"

"Dawn catches him while she's in college," the genie assured them.

"I'll use a net and a tranq gun to speed things up, but I am not waiting nearly a decade this time!" Dawn swore.

There was a flash of light and everyone turned to Buffy who had a box in her lap.

"OK, this is different," Buffy said opening the box and quickly slamming the lid shut a second later. "You have got to be joking!"

"Haunted by a ghost and requires one thousand…" the genies voice trailed off. "You agreed to break the curse binding him to this plane. It's bizarre but touching."

***SNAP***

"And that's why you shouldn't make that wish," the genie said as reality snapped back to normal minus Xander's shirt.

"Where's Xander's shirt?" Willow asked.

"She outranks me, if you want to get picky, and even if she doesn't exist yet, she's keeping his shirt," the genie replied.

"OK… next possible wish?" Xander asked not wanting to think about it.

"Love's out," Buffy said, hoping that their futures would be different now that they knew of them.

"Fame, fortune, and power all have their own pitfalls," Xander said already having thought of it.

"I'd still like to know how power turns out," Willow said.

**Three visions later…**

***SNAP***

"OK, I'm not complaining about you two making me your sex slave in your realities-" Xander began.

"Not when we ended up yours in yours," Buffy told him bluntly.

"Agreed," Xander said. "My only complaint is I was a neglected one! And even when you had me as court jester you made me dump my funniest jokes!"

"Apparently I really like girls," Willow admitted. "The fact that you got any use at all, is solely because I do love you."

"And your funniest jokes were making fun of my main studs," Buffy said. "Sorry."

"Power's a bust," Willow said. "Apparently we are very corruptible and kinky."

"Money would probably go the same way," Xander admitted.

"Are you sure we can't make worldwide changes," Buffy asked.

"Sorry kiddo, but while I can make those changes, other forces would undo my work or do something else to balance the scales," the genie explained. "Focused changes on a small scale are something they aren't allowed to touch, so we're safe there."

"How about a power that can't be used against others?" Xander asked as an idea hit him.

"How do you mean?" Buffy asked.

"I mean what about wishing our group had Wolverine's regenerative ability," Xander explained. "It'd make our lives easier and we can't use it like our corrupt selves did the power they gained."

The genie nodded. "I can give you three that level of healing ability that you can share while touching someone else, but that's the limit."

"Sharing it… I didn't even think of that," Xander said impressed.

"I've had more experience than you," the genie assured him snapping his fingers. "Done!"

"Wolverine's healing ability?" Buffy asked.

"Didn't that make him immortal?" Willow asked.

"No just really long lived," the genie assured them. "Wolverine could heal almost anything and his aging rate slowed to a year a century once he hit his mid-twenties."

"And we can heal our friends like that by touch," Buffy asked in shock.

"Exactly," the genie agreed.

"We are going to be friends a long time," Willow said wide eyed.

"Damn near forever," Buffy agreed with a smirk.

"That's one excellent wish down," Xander said smugly.

"How about wishing we'd find our own empowerments that wouldn't corrupt us?" Buffy asked.

"Ahhh," Xander and Willow chorused impressed.

The genie nodded. "A simple nudge here and there will ensure you find the right path to it. It won't be instant because you'll need maturity and discipline that you're still developing to avoid becoming corrupted by it and rushing that would require making you mature adults right this instant, which I'm pretty sure you don't want."

"Definitely," Xander agreed. "I think I have five or six years of childish behavior planned first!"

The girls laughed.

"Done!" the genie said with a snap of his fingers.

"Last wish," Xander said, glancing outside and seeing the sun close to setting. "Willow, you're up."

"You guys made some pretty good wishes," Willow admitted. "Let me think for a minute."

"You've got maybe half an hour," Xander said.

"Half an hour?" Buffy asked.

"In exchange for the genie's help I agreed they would all be made before sundown," Xander reminded her.

"And we used up a lot of time getting things right," Buffy nodded. "Of course the genie was a huge help in that."

"That he was," Xander agreed.

"The number of out and out bad situations he helped us avoid is incredible," Willow agreed. "Would I be… would you mind…" Willow tried to figure out how to say what she was thinking.

"Go ahead Wills," Xander said. "Don't be shy, I still remember being your favorite pillow."

Willow flushed and grinned shyly. "I was just thinking we don't need the last wish and he really helped us."

Xander smiled. "Genie, the last wish is yours. What do you wish?"

The genie, still looking like Xander's twin laughed. "I can grant my own wishes, but I do appreciate the thought. How about I cast the last wish for you?"

"You've done right by us so far," Xander said. "Wish away!"

"This is a simple little wish that will improve the quality of your lives," the genie promised. "From now on when you hit snooze on your alarm clock, time in your bed will increase sixty-fold until the snooze alarm sounds or you leave the bed."

The genie snapped his fingers. "It's done."

"What? Buffy asked as Xander kissed the genies feet and was quickly joined by Willow.

The genie laughed and floated up to the ceiling.

"What am I missing?" Buffy asked.

"Set your snooze alarm for eight minutes and when you hit it in the morning you get eight more hours to sleep in that eight minutes," Xander explained.

"Or if you like to read in bed and set an alarm so you don't stay up all night… again, you'd have more time to relax and read," Willow added.

"Or other activities," Buffy said with a smirk. "Come back down here, so we can hug you and kiss you and call you George!"

The genie laughed. "It's actually been fun… master, and I honestly can't recall the last time that happened. I am off. Maybe we'll meet again someday, ciao!"

The genie vanished in a puff of smoke.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**

**AN: Just an idea on how the wishes could go.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Red Dwarf - Not Going to Use It**

Jack looked out the porthole of the shuttle. "I've got… two Darth Vaders and a hologram.

"Their technology is based on popular culture," Stark said after a huddle. "The Darth Vader suits are their way of saying not to take them lightly."

"Makes as much sense as creating a space ship from a comedy show," Jack admitted.

"I wonder if they have the secret of making lightsabers," Teal'c said.

Everyone paused in putting on their vac suits.

"More and more I see that I should have been trying to recruit Teal'c from the beginning," Maybourne said.

"Indeed," Jack said smugly.

"I don't think lightsabers are possible," Sam admitted as she finished suiting up.

"No crushing my hopes and dreams," Jack ordered.

"Sorry, Sir," Sam replied amused.

Colonel Maybourne was the first out, followed by SG1 with the six NID agents bringing up the rear.

"Sorry about needing the vac suits," Xander apologized over the suits radios in a captain's voice, "but construction isn't complete yet."

"Why the Darth Vader outfits?" Jack asked amused as they entered the ship's halls, a warren of metallic corridors painted military grey.

"We had files on them and they were better than the ones from the Dwarf," Xander said, seeing no problem with sharing the information.

"How are they better?" Maybourne asked curiously.

In the rear of the column two NID agents snuck off when they saw a map with the ship's armory listed on the wall.

"Better life support, amplified strength, and superior armor," Xander replied easily.

"And the black is very slimming," Harmony added running a hand down her side.

"Can you make lightsabers?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Holly?" Xander asked.

A screen in the hull came on. "Sorry about that, I was a bit distracted, what was the question?"

"Can we make lightsabers?" Xander asked as they stepped out the doors to the elevator.

"Yeah, but the power supply and magnetic field manipulators weigh a ton… literally," Holly wavered and showed a video clip of a group of soldiers wearing what had a startling resemblance to a Ghostbusters proton pack, with the proton thrower replaced with a lightsaber. "Here's the first and last attempt to wield them in a battle, fortunately in a zero G environment."

Everyone winced as bits flew off of the enemy as well as the soldiers wielding the lightsabers until two blades accidentally touched each other and the screen went white.

"Lack of tactile feedback makes it too easy to slice off things you don't mean to," Holly explained, "and crossing the beams, as you can see, causes a catastrophic failure in the plasma containment system."

"The ones from the Star Wars movies are superior," Teal'c said, a trace of disappointment in his voice.

"They have superior plasma generation and magnetic field control technology," Holly agreed.

"What distracted you?" Willow asked Holly, changing the subject before the men started moping about not getting lightsabers.

"Two of our guests managed to incinerate themselves," Holly replied and showed footage of two NID agents prying open a door marked 'Ships Armory' and getting bathed in flames so hot that only their boots were left.

"Hell of a security system," Maybourne said.

"Not really," Holly replied. "I labeled all the doors to the incinerators 'Ships Armory'."

"I'd like to apologize for the actions of those two rogue agents," Maybourne said. "I can assure you, their actions were neither planned nor sanctioned by the US government."

"As long as you don't blame us for their becoming extra crispy we're good," Harmony said cheerfully as they boarded an elevator that resembled a subway car and the doors closed behind them.

Xander removed the helmet from his outfit and sat down. "The elevator cars have their own air supplies and the command deck is already pressurized."

Harmony quickly shed the entire outfit leaving her in a green G-string with matching bra. "I'm not wrinkling up one of my outfits just to go to the hangar and back," she said at Sam's questioning glance.

"Head count," Xander said. "I think we lost another one."

Jack groaned. "This is the last time I willingly go anywhere with NID agents."

Before any more could be said a video started playing, showing off all safety features of the elevator car and how to use the emergency gear, as demonstrated by a blonde stewardess and finished with her demonstrating how to use a cyanide capsule and falling over.

"Did she actually…" Sam's voice trailed off in horror.

"Die?" Holly asked. "Yeah, she did. Sad thing is they didn't even give her a real cyanide capsule, just a fake one filled with powdered milk."

"Placebo effect?" Jack asked.

"Nah, extreme lactose intolerance."

"Can you locate the missing agent?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, he's trying to get into the trash compactor."

"And what's it labeled as?" Maybourne asked.

"Incinerator," Holly replied.

"Why did you label the doors wrong?" Daniel asked.

"Well it's a bit of a laugh isn't it?" Holly said.

Xander snickered. "Ok, I get the armory joke, but the incinerator one?"

"That just keeps people from throwing pressurized cans in the compactor," Holly said. "It's become standard procedure and a bit of a joke because a can of hair spray in the compactor sets things on fire."

"What's the first joke?" Maybourne asked.

"What do you expect to find in the ship's armory?" Xander said with a grin.

Jack groaned. "Fire power."

"Exactly," Holly said cheerfully. "This is a mining ship, we don't really have an armory as such. I tried to explain that to them, but they ignored me and pried it open anyway."

"Three down, three to go," Jack said sourly. "How's the compactor kid doing?"

"Like Timmy down the well who wasn't allowed pets," Holly replied. "He's managed to compact and eject himself at the moon in the form of an organic brick. It'll be years before he splashes down though, he didn't get a lot of thrust."

"I'd ask you three if you three were going to do something similarly stupid," Jack said addressing the remaining agents, "but at this point it's a sucker bet."

There was a ding and the elevator announced "We are approaching your destination now, please return all tray tables and seats to their fully upright positions."

"We have lost another one," Teal'c announced once they come to a stop and he'd taken a look around.

"He used an escape chute," Holly said.

"Fell to his death?" Maybourne asked as Jack snickered at him.

"As long as he doesn't hit an unpressurized deck he'll be fine," Holly said. "I don't have cameras in the shaft yet so I can't guess where he's gone off to."

The doors opened and everyone stepped out into warm well lighted halls that were painted a soft blue and had several scutter scurrying about. A row of scutters shot past wearing cowboy hats or feathered bonnets.

"Do I want to know?" Maybourne asked.

"I think they reserved the theatre for a John Wayne marathon," Holly replied.

"They're sentient?!" Sam asked in shock.

"Nobody knows," Xander answered. "It tends to vary really."

"And you can't take their word for it?" Daniel asked.

"They could be lying," Holly pointed out.

"Where's Maybourne?" Jack said looking around.

"Don't tell me he went rogue too," Sam said in shock.

"Actually he and Teal'c went to watch the John Wayne festival," Daniel said.

"What, why?" Sam asked.

"They have a copy of the 'last' John Wayne movies," Daniel said pointing to a tiny poster at shin level advertising the marathon.

"I better go keep an eye on them," Jack said before following a line of scutters in Western hats down the hall.

A bell rang. "Scheduled midafternoon sex and nap break," Holly announced.

Harmony tossed Xander over her shoulder and strode off, the final two NID agents following her.

Sam and Daniel exchanged glances and then looked at Willow.

"All you'll get from me is tea and conversation," Willow quickly said, red faced.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I'd say my place, but my evil twin is acting out because of personal insecurities," Willow said.

"My place doesn't have AC," Xander said with a sigh.

"Mom would cramp my style a bit," Harmony admitted. "And she really is perceptive at times."

"Want adds?" Xander asked.

"Want adds," the girls chorused.

"CRC is still up for sale," Willow offered uneasily.

"Too many bad memories," Xander said, earning a grateful smile from Willow.

"Al's Butcher Shop is looking for some help," Harmony pointed out.

Xander and Willow looked at her wondering what that had to do with their home search.

"The butcher shop which is open all night and had all those mob rumors so long ago, needs workers while Al takes some time off. We don't need sleep and Willow needs something to do during the day. It's not just free AC, it's as good as getting paid to be in the cold," Harmony explained.

"That's not a bad idea," Willow said thoughtfully.

"We can make token appearances at home and school," Harmony said thoughtfully. "Get Snyder to sign off on work study and we're set."

"Snyder hates us," Xander reminded her.

"So pretend we hate the idea and our parents are making us do it," Harmony said.

"If we can convince Al to hire us we'll be set," Willow said.

"Let's get moving," Xander said. "We're burning pre-daylight conditions."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**Red Dwarf, Several Hours Later…**

The four had decided to put off any serious discussions until the other had returned, instead talking about such light topics as star ship construction and ancient history.

"I have pretty solid evidence that aliens were involved in the construction of the pyramids," Daniel said.

"Aliens are pretty rare on the ground in my home universe," Holly said. "So even if aliens helped with their construction here, our home reality is proof that all you really need is some really large whips."

"Ram scoops aren't the fastest way to get around," Willow admitted, "but as long as you aren't trying to cruise the void between galaxies you don't have to worry about running out of fuel."

"Hyperspace jumps make up for a lot of problems," Sam replied. "We humans have rather limited lifespans making trips taking decades rather unfeasible."

Jack, Maybourne, and Teal'c returned from the movies in good spirits.

"Where did our final two rogue NID agents go?" Jack asked.

"They're having sex with Xander and Harmony," Willow replied.

Maybourne frowned. "I'm not sure they can be classified as rogue agents for that."

"It's the first time I've heard of NID agents actually improving relations," Jack smirked.

"Just after you left Harmony announced she'd scheduled that time for sex," Willow explained.

"You scheduled sex?" Jack asked.

"I didn't!" Willow exclaimed blushing. "Harmony schedules everything!"

"How long until they finish and we can have a serious discussion?" Maybourne asked taking a seat at the table.

"Holly?" Willow asked.

"The girls are all napping and Xander is currently crawling towards the nearest source of lager," Holly replied. "I'll let him know to come here… and send an automated wheelchair."

"What about Harmony?" Sam asked.

"She won't be able to contribute much," Willow said shaking her head. "Cats aren't deep thinkers and pretty much go with the flow, unless it pertains to them specifically."

"Why create a species and give them so many limitations?" Sam asked, trying to mask her horror at the thought of being so limited herself.

"The species evolved that way," Willow said. "And Harmony likes being a cat so much she won't let us change her back."

"Change her back… you mean she was once human?!" Sam exclaimed.

"A cheerleader," Willow said, "And trust me when I say she's actually better this way."

Whatever Sam would have replied was interrupted by Xander's arrival in a self-propelled wheelchair that had an IV bag filled with beer hanging from the attached IV stand and a tube leading to Xander's mouth. Xander looked like he was recovering from running a marathon.

"Were you all human once?" Maybourne asked intently.

"Holly's always been an AI as has Kryten," Xander said with a yawn seeing no harm in sharing the information. Willow was split off from her organic self, I'm still human and Harmony became a feline sapien."

"Who or what did this to you?" Jack asked concerned.

"What do you know about the supernatural?" Willow asked.

"It's all a bunch of smoke and mirrors," Sam waved it off.

"Then no answer we can give you is going to be satisfying," Willow said.

"I have a high enough clearance to say it's not all smoke and mirrors," Maybourne said.

"A chaos worshipper of one of the old gods turned us into our costumes," Xander replied. "Fortunately I had a scutter and Kryten's head with me, so his nanites rebuilt the ship for us."

"The only gods I know of are parasites pretending to be gods," Jack said shaking his head.

"The gold snake demons," Xander said slowly remembering reading about how the pyramids were made, "tried to do something like that and offended the actual gods enough that they put aside their habitual fighting and sent all their champions to deal with them."

"And the Norse gods?" Jack asked before Daniel could say anything.

"Different matter," Xander waved it off. "The Norse gods were humans turned into deities by the people. They aren't nearly as insecure as beings that have never been anything but gods."

"So gods are higher dimensional beings?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, and the ones who have never been human are even harder to understand than those who were," Xander said shaking his head.

"So basically a supernatural accident is responsible for all this?" Maybourne asked.

"Chaos is chaos is chaos," Xander said with a shrug. "This is something that could never happen again in a million years, it's like winning the lottery to be in another lottery, and then winning that."

"So you're all from Earth?" Danny asked.

"Yes, though some of us have memories of another Earth," Willow agreed.

"Would you be averse to sharing the scientific knowledge you gained through this accident?" Sam asked.

"Sure," Xander replied after looking to Willow to see what she thought. "Holly, give them a leg up in the tech department avoiding the big mistakes please."

"Big mistakes?" Jack asked.

"Genetically engineered life forms, simulants, intelligent viruses," Xander listed off. "These are fields that shouldn't be poked at until man is already populating the starts so wiping out a planet or two won't cause our extinction."

"Point taken," Jack said agreeably.

"Technical data on those can be skipped," Maybourne agreed, "but a bit of an overview on what not to do so we don't accidentally reinvent them would be nice."

"On it," Holly said.

"So… what are your plans," Jack asked. "I mean this is a rather big ship."

"We need it to find the cure for cancer and how to clone Willow a new body," Xander replied.

"And you think the answers are out there?" Jack said waving an arm.

Xander grinned. "Not exactly. I think the answers are on Earth, I just don't know which one. You see we have… the Holly Hop Drive."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I wrote all this out and then… I realized Xander with Dave's memories would have said 'leg it' way before it got to this point, since they'd already planned on jumping universe anyway. **


	22. Chapter 22

**Grounded for life**

"What's wrong honey?" Hermione's mother asked her.

The young witch looked at her parents and knew she had to do something she really hadn't been looking forward to, telling them the truth.

As usual her father had let her mother take the lead, silently supporting her, but ready to help if needed. Hermione was glad she'd found a man like that to support her. She couldn't imagine how she would have handled this if Ron hadn't been there to listen and offer suggestions on how to handle things when she'd talked to him earlier.

"I've…I've been hiding things from you," Hermione admitted.

"Is it drugs? No, we would have seen the signs," Dawn corrected herself. "Oh my god, you're pregnant! I knew magic wasn't reliable enough for something that important."

"I'm not pregnant!" Hermione shouted.

"Our daughter is too responsible to get hooked on drugs or pregnant, honey," Alex assured his wife.

Dawn relaxed. "Sorry dear, the telly got stuck on a talk show marathon and I was too relaxed to bother changing the channel."

"I'm guessing our daughter joined a band of vigilantes fighting for justice and is on the run from a corrupt government," he said, studying her carefully through his one good eye.

"You two never take anything seriously!" Hermione complained before giving in to her boyfriend's earlier suggestions, obliviating them both and flinging the vials of new memories she'd crafted on them.

The liquid memories turned into a silver fog that obscured them as it slowly entered them through any exposed skin.

Hermione quickly apparated away with tears in her eyes. She'd hated to do it, but muggles just couldn't understand what was going on.

"Well that was different," Alex Granger said thoughtfully. "At least she remembered I like Australia."

"So, fugitive from a corrupt government?"

"Yep."

Dawn sighed. "We're going to ground her until the end of time."

"Yep," her husband agreed easily.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry looked up as Hermione apparated in with tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

She sniffed and explained tearfully how she'd had to obliviate and send away her parents for their own protection.

Ron hugged her tightly and rubbed her back, showing rare depth for once. "It had to be done. Muggles would be defenseless against Death Eaters."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Alex opened up the weapons cabinet in the rumpus room. "I'm thinking I'll use Olaf's hammer and a 38 special. How about you love?"

"If you're going for overkill I guess I have to go with subtlety. Give me a sword and a plinker," Dawn said while adjusting her clothes. "Do these still look ok on me?" she asked, trying to get the leather pants to fit right, even though she hadn't worn them in over a decade.

Alex looked over at his wife wearing skin tight black leather pants with a matching duster and a black half shirt and his left eye glowed green for a moment before replying, "No, I think you'll have to take them off."

Dawn sighed and began to unbutton them, before Xander's tone sank in and she saw the look in his eyes. "Well I guess the wizarding world can wait another day."

**The Next Morning**

"Are you ok?" Harry asked, knowing it was a stupid question and how much he hated being asked it, but finding himself asking it all the same.

"I'm fine," Hermione began, then stopped and burst out laughing until tears ran down her face.

Ron noticed, even if he was busy making inroads into the Dursley sized meal Harry had made out of habit, but since it was laughter figured she was fine.

"I just realized how stupid that question actually is," she said. "I mean no one is ever ok when we ask it and saying 'I'm fine' is pretty much the equivalent of saying 'I don't want to talk about it'. It just struck me as funny to have the roles reversed for once is all. I'm not fine, but I will be."

Harry smiled and nodded, relieved that she would be ok and began to serve himself breakfast.

"So what's the plan?" Ron asked as he looked up from a meal that not even he could finish.

Hermione took a sip of tea before replying, "Don't have one. I figured we'd come up with one today."

Harry nodded and ate his breakfast.

"I'll start," Ron offered while the other two ate. "We need to find and destroy the rest of the Horcruxes. We know there are four left; the locket, which is missing, Nagini his snake, something at Hogwarts and…"

Harry spoke up, "The Hufflepuff cup according to Dumbledore."

"Yeah," Ron nodded. "We're screwed."

The two just stared at him.

"What?" Ron asked. "Listen, he only needs one of the blasted things to stick around. What are our chances of finding all of them? I'll tell you, slim to none and slim left town. We're going to have to come at this from another angle if we want to win."

Hermione and Harry just stared at him like he'd grown another head.

"What? If I'm full of it, just let me know. I just think that even though Dumbledore was a great wizard, right up there with Merlin, his plans sucked. I mean, letting the Death Eaters lay low for a generation and expand their numbers wasn't exactly brilliant was it?"

Harry found himself nodding. "Yeah, he gave them all a second chance to do the same thing and it took away a lot of people's first chances to do anything."

"Well if we can't stop him by finding his Horcruxes what can we do?" Hermione asked.

"If we could get another decade without him we would be set," Ron said. "I mean a decade of training and looking for the Horcruxes is a lot easier without Voldemort and his lackeys around."

"I'm not sure I can rebound another curse off my head," Harry volunteered. "I mean my mother sacrificed her life to let me do that and I'm all out of parents."

"So we need a different way of putting him down for a while. What's the easiest way to incapacitate a wizard for a long time without killing him?" Hermione asked.

"Magical sleep?" Harry suggested, thinking of Rip van Winkle.

"Transfigured into an animal long enough to lose his sense of self?" Ron offered, thinking of a common magical horror story told to children.

The three began to grin as they started tossing back and forth magical warning tales about how easily magic could go wrong and ideas on how they could encourage things to go wrong.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Shall we try again?" Xander suggested as they finished breakfast.

"That depends. Are we going to be able to put on pants?" Dawn grinned.

"Stranger things have happened, but I doubt you can get out the door with skin tight black leather on."

"Well considering our daughter will probably be putting herself in danger by this afternoon, I may have to chance it."

Xander sighed. "Yeah, I knew there wasn't much she'd be up to last night, and she's no doubt plotting right now, so I'm thinking we finish breakfast and go break the wizarding world before lunch."

"Where should we start?" Dawn asked.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Let's try the magical sleep first. All we need is a Horcrux and Hermione can cast protean on it and then one of us can inscribe the sleep rune on it."

Hermione and harry stared at Ron again.

"What?"

"That's brilliant," Harry said with a grin.

"I thought you were against hunting the horcruxes down?" Hermione asked.

Ron shook his head. "I'm against betting everything on being able to hunt down and destroy them while being hunted by everyone and their mum. Hunting down a single horcrux is fine."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Wrote this up while thinking about how Ron somehow managed to speak parseltongue in the last book. What if the reason Harry and Hermione became such slow witted idiots near the end of the series was because Ron performed a ritual that shared their strengths… and he was an enormous drag factor? I really don't like his character. Naturally it's also a Xander and Dawn as Hermione's parents fic as well. **


	23. Chapter 23

**Wizard is Oz**

"A proper costume, mind you, so at least you won't look like a scruffy hoodlum for one night this year," Snyder said with a sneer, before marching off with his clipboard.

The three Scoobs just watched Snyder depart, once more wondering how he managed to get a job working with kids.

"You!" Xander said, suddenly grabbing a short guy with green hair. "You are a scruffy hoodlum!"

"I am?" Oz questioned.

"You are," Xander assured him. "And Snyder has ordered me to dress in a costume, so I'm not myself, someone he described as a scruffy hoodlum, for one night. You, my friend, are going to be my costume!"

"Silence of the Lambs?" Oz asked.

"Not enough time to fatten you up," Xander lamented. "I'm afraid we'll just have to settle for using clothes and makeup."

"We'll need to lighten your hair so the green dye shows," Oz told him as the pair walked off.

"Xander's mind is a scary place," Buffy said as they watched them leave.

"Occasionally," Willow admitted.

*** *Hallowe'en Night!* ***

Xander and Oz became one person in two bodies for a brief moment and neither pulled away unchanged.

Oz's admiration and attraction to Willow met Xander's love for the shy redhead and he had to metaphorically gnaw his arm off at the shoulder so he could escape before it consumed him.

Xander was stunned, as he'd never realized the depths of his feeling for her, and being flooded by Oz's third party view of her just made it even harder to deny.

The hyena remnants, suppressed and chained down by Xander's will, snapped into place as they found a soul who, in another timeline, would have welcomed and tamed the wyld in his own soul to control his lycanthropy.

Both souls left greater, more whole, then they had started.

Oz and Xander smirked at one another at the 'cheat' they'd both snuck into their costume and somewhere close by a Roman god laughed and applauded.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Did anyone note any changes from last night?" Giles asked.

"I aced my French final," Buffy offered, "and I've gained an appreciation for indoor plumbing like you wouldn't believe."

"But no negative effects?" Giles continued hopefully.

"Not a one," Buffy assured him.

"Excellent. Willow?"

"Couple of bruises from walking into things and a slight sheet phobia, that will hopefully fade in a week or so," Willow replied. "But since I'm alive and well, I'm happy! If using a sleeping bag for the next week."

"Good. If the phobia persists beyond November, let me know. I know some things that should help."

"Thanks, Giles."

"Xander?" Giles asked.

"I dressed as a student, Daniel Osborn, and he dressed as me, so we kinda exchanged brains. He knows everything I know, and vice versa."

"Is that going to be a problem?" Giles asked, concerned.

"No, the opposite," Xander replied calmly. "In addition, I had one little 'cheat' on my outfit last night. Under my Oz name tag, something Oz thought would be funny, I wrote 'Plays guitar like Jimmy Hendrix'."

Giles stared at him in shock.

"It's gone now," Xander said, pain in his voice.

Giles had tears in his eyes as he placed a comforting hand on Xander's shoulder.

"But the potential is still there," Xander assured him, eyes lighting up. "I have to train myself up from scratch, but I can do it!" Willow moved next to him, concerned.

Before anything more could be said, the library doors opened and Oz walked in. "Hey," he said companionably.

"Errr, hey?" Buffy offered.

"I woke up able to bend steel this morning, or at least rebar," he said bluntly. "I thought it'd fade away when the night ended, but apparently not. Thought you'd like a heads up."

"Did you write super strength on your name tag?" Giles asked, putting together what he knew.

"No, I wrote sings like an angel," Oz responded. "I think I caught this from Xander last night."

"Beats crabs," Xander offered and the two grinned.

"You don't feel like holding me down and having your way with me, do you?" Buffy demanded, recalling Xander's primal empowerment and getting ready for a fight.

Oz blinked. "That's way off in the future, like special anniversary sex games. The most you're getting out of me is dinner and a movie, for at least four dates."

"So, fifth?" Buffy asked, confused.

"Vanilla sex acts," Oz replied. "Kinky is at least four months away."

"Oh." Buffy blushed and relaxed.

"Band practice is after school," Oz told Xander. "You'll be starting on bass guitar while I take Devon's spot."

"You can still sing?" Xander asked.

"Not as I did," Oz admitted, "but way ahead of Devon."

"Cool, see you there," Xander said.

"I'll pick you up at seven," Oz told Buffy. "Dress casual."

After Oz left, Buffy turned to Xander. "What just happened?"

"You made a date with the new lead singer of Dingoes ate my Baby," Xander told her, amused.

"I'll need you to observe him and make sure he's not going to be a threat," Giles told her. "A date should allow you to assess him properly."

"I guess I'm going on a date tonight then," Buffy said with a shrug, not quite sure how she should feel about all of this."

"Well, if that is all?" Giles asked.

"Actually…there is one more thing," Xander said, turning to Willow and pulling her into a soul-searing kiss.

**TN: Typing (and spare commas) by ElrodAlbino!**

**AN: Just an idle thought from my mind.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Traps**

**Part 1 : Chapter 16 More Fragments**

**Part 2 : Chapter 44 More Fragments**

"I blame you for this, dobe," Sasuke said from inside the small chicken cage they were stuffed in, his face pressed against the wire.

"How was I supposed to know he'd be able to beat us as a chicken?!" Naruto complained, his head wedged into the corner, slightly muffling him.

"He's a Jounin!" Sasuke said. "Of course I should have thought of that before we attempted to coral him."

"Who's wiggling their fingers?" Sakura asked.

"Err, that was me, sorry," Naruto apologized.

"I didn't say stop," Sakura muttered almost too quiet to hear.

"We are going to practice escape and evasion attempts till we can handle something like this or it kills us!" Sasuke swore, wincing at the way Sakura's foot pressed against his kidney.

The Rooster on top of the cage ignored them as he balanced on one leg and read the orange book he held with the other.

"I think I can get us out of this," Naruto said.

"Let me hear the plan first," Sasuke said.

"I can think of two ways," Naruto said. "One I can dispel the transformation jutsu on Kakashi and he'll let us out if for no other reason than to make us run laps around Konoha."

"And two?" Sasuke asked.

"I make a shadow clone and it lets us out," Naruto replied.

"There isn't… huh, that makes sense," Sakura said. "A clone would form outside the cage since there isn't enough room in it."

"I think two would be best," Sasuke said. "I think it'll be safer to get some distance from Kakashi when he changes back to let him cool down a little."

"Shadow clone jutsu it is," Naruto agreed.

The first several clones were all pecked to death by the rooster, so Naruto had to flood the area with clones, one of the several hundred clones flooding the park managed to lure the Rooster away by pretending to have his book, despite the fact that the rooster still had it in his claws. Apparently there were some mental effects to the transformation.

"Yes!" Sakura cried out as Naruto made one final batch of clones and they managed to fumble the latch open.

Sasuke tumbled out and quickly started trying to get the kinks out and restore blood flow so he could flee.

Naruto did likewise but paused as he saw Sakura lying on the floor too numb to move. He quickly scooped her up.

"Retreat!" Sasuke ordered as they fled their sensei turned chicken.

"What did you plan to do once he was in the cage?" Sakura asked as Naruto carried her.

"Find someone else to train us," Naruto replied, not even out of breath. "Technically our jounin is unable to train us, meaning we can request an alternate from the Hokage's tower."

"We don't need him in a cage for that to be true," Sasuke said, "we can get an alternate trainer now."

"To the tower," Naruto agreed cheerfully as they changed directions.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Hokage and Irukawiped tears of laughter from their eyes.

"Most surprising ninja of his generation," Iruka said proudly.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai! **


	25. Chapter 25

**On the Mountain 2**

**Part 1 : Chapter 11**

Xander came out of the office barely a minute after he'd entered, with a room key. "Let's grab a room with a door you can lock before I start poking around rather than leave you outside and strapped down.

"Oh, thank god," Cordelia said. "I was getting twitchy and it hasn't even been that long."

"Let's not tempt fate," Xander agreed, wheeling her around the side of the building and seeing the parking lot was nearly full. "Room 108 is open, it's a single, but better than nothing."

"All the other rooms are full?" Cordelia asked, just to have something to say.

"It was the only room that still had keys on the pegboard," Xander explained. "If it's occupied they had a spare set of keys. Guess we'll find out," Xander leaned her against the door to 110 while he unlocked 108. Looking inside he sighed with relief. "Empty," he told Cordelia wheeling her inside.

Cordelia looked at the room. It wasn't the Ritz but it would do. "It's… warm," Cordelia said in surprise.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, leaning her against the wall and closing and locking the door.

Cordelia tensed up at the sound of the deadbolt and really hoped Xander was the type of guy she'd thought he was, cheating aside, because there was no one around and she wasn't exactly able to fend him off at the moment.

"OK, let's unstrap you and move you to the bed," Xander told her, freeing her arms and leaning the makeshift stretcher against the nightstand. "I'll move your lower body first and you hold yourself up with your arms. This should minimize the jostling."

Cordelia braced herself with her arms. "Ready," she said nervously, waiting for the pain.

Xander unstrapped her legs and grabbing her belt and the bottom of her jeans quickly lifted and moved her over to the bed.

Cordelia groaned a little and grit her teeth as he grabbed her waist and completed the move almost overbalancing and falling on her, but catching himself on the bed. He stood up and moved the stretcher to the corner of the room. "Better?"

"Yeah, thanks," Cordelia said waiting for the throbbing to subside and relieved nothing else had happened. In fact she felt a little silly thinking about it now.

Out of reflex Xander hit the light switch and they both froze when the lights came on.

"We have power?" Cordelia asked. "Quick try the TV!"

Xander walked over and turned on the TV, but nothing happened. He checked the plug and flicked it on and off a few times but nothing happened.

Cordelia reached over and turned on the lamp on the nightstand and it lit up. "Try this plug," she suggested.

"I'll put the TV on the nightstand," Xander said, moving the nightstand and pulling the plug on the lamp.

"Xander!" Cordelia said urgently.

"What's wrong?" he said looking around for what had alarmed her.

Cordelia simply pointed and Xander looked from the plug in his hand to the still lit lamp on the nightstand.

Xander picked up the lamp and shook it. "Feels like your average lamp. I don't think it has a rechargeable battery pack inside, though I may check for that later."

"Does this fit into any of your theories?" Cordelia asked.

"Not a one," Xander replied. "Do you want the lights on or off while I'm gone? They may attract something if I leave them on."

"On, I'm not waiting alone in the dark," Cordelia said firmly. "Except the lamp, you can turn that off."

Xander turned it off and it went dark. He turned it on and off a few times checking to see that it still worked without being plugged in. "I'll take it with me."

"Thanks, I appreciate that."

"I'm going to lock the door behind me," Xander said, before pausing and checking the closet, under the bed, and the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" Cordelia asked.

"Just occurred to me that before I locked you in a motel room, I'd better make sure there was nothing else in there," he replied. "Anyway, nothing's in here and I'll try and get back as soon as I can, OK?"

"OK," Cordelia agreed. "Keep an eye out for painkillers and bottled water while you're out, please."

"I will," he promised before walking out with the still lit lamp, locking the door behind him.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Cordelia looked around the room. It wasn't a bad room, though it was a tad dusty. It looked like the maids hadn't been here in a couple of weeks, or anyone else for that matter. It certainly beat laying on the road with an injured leg. Of course it'd also be better to be stranded with anyone but her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her with that backstabbing bitch Willow! Like Wesley. A couple of weeks in a secluded resort, with that accent certainly wouldn't be turned down.

Of the list of people she'd least like to be trapped on a deserted island with, Xander was… about number five right now, if she was honest. The first two spots were taken by Willow and Harmony, number three was Snyder, and number four was… Cordelia sighed and enjoyed laying still and not being forced to move her injured leg.

OK, number four was a huge list of people who were useless in a crisis, which Xander wasn't, and she was pretty sure she wasn't heading up many of Xander's favorite lists at the moment herself. At least she was pretty sure she wasn't, considering the way he was acting.

Hopefully Giles and Wesley would figure out what happened before too long so she wasn't stuck here with him long enough for one of them to kill the other.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander frowned for a moment as he noticed the temperature outside. The motel room wasn't exactly warm, but it wasn't cold either and it should have been. It had been a comfortable temperature inside and the heater hadn't been on. He wasn't sure what was going on, they had lights and heating without power, the people were all dead, but there was no signs of what killed them, it was like they'd all just dropped dead at once with no warning.

Looking around he could see that there were lights were on here and there, they just weren't obvious in the daylight. He walked slowly to the front, stopping at the soda machine that looked to be still on. Setting the lamp on the ground he looked behind the machine and saw where it was plugged in.

Giving in to temptation he pulled the plug and checked it. Yep, it was still on. Almost absently he fed in a couple of quarters and hit the button for a root beer.

***CLUNK!***

Xander picked up his grape soda and opened it. It was nice and cold as he took a sip. Picking up the lamp he continued to the front. None of this made any sense to him, hopefully there was a newspaper or a scrawled message in the lobby somewhere that would help.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**

**AN: Yeah, I haven't really given out any clues that would identify what's going on. I like a good mystery every now and then.**


	26. Chapter 26

**No More Mr. Nice Guy**

"All you are is the Zeppo," Cordelia sneered.

Xander spun around drawing a stake from his pocket as he leapt at her.

Acutely aware all she had on her was a nail file, Cordelia quickly stabbed him in the chest, cursing as it hit a rib and snapped in her hand.

Undeterred Xander slammed her into the wall. As everything went black she wondered exactly what button she had pressed to send him over the edge.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"If I hadn't arrived when I did, who knows what would have happened?!" Buffy demanded.

"Bastard tried to kill me!" Cordelia growled out as she woke up and looked around her blurrily.

"Tried to kill you?" Wesley questioned as he helped Cordelia sit up.

"Lunged at me with a stake," she said looking around for a weapon as she saw his unconscious form lying several feet away.

"They could have been plant food, well if you ignore how deep Xander managed to drive that stake," Faith said with a grin.

Cordelia began feeling around but found no wound.

"What are you doing?

"Where was I stabbed?" she demanded.

"You weren't stabbed," Wesley said, "However Mr. Harris was while fighting one of the Sisters of Jhe."

"What?" Cordelia asked confused.

"X went hand to hand to keep one of the blue girls off you and was stabbed with something," Faith explained.

"If I hadn't gotten there-" Buffy began.

"Then X would probably still be up," Faith said amused. "You did your jump-kick knockin' 'em both out when he already had the upper hand having driven a stake into its neck. So unless your kick was what drove it in, they'd have been fine."

"Xander rescued me?" Cordelia asked.

"Yes," Wesley said handing her a cup of tea.

"He tried anyway," Buffy allowed.

"What the fuck?" Xander asked as he woke up with an aching head and a bandaged chest.

"Watch your mouth Mr.," Buffy ordered.

"Or what, you'll kick me in the head again?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"I was attacking the demon," Buffy said.

"The demon who was bleeding out and falling," Xander said. "Giles I need some needle nose pliers."

"Why do you need pliers?" Buffy asked.

Xander ignored her and started pulling loose the tape holding the bandage in place.

"I asked-" Buffy began.

"I heard, I just don't feel like talking to you until your footprint is no longer on the side of my head," he replied dryly, accepting the pliers from Giles.

Buffy winced. "It wasn't dead yet."

"It was dead enough," Xander said hissing as he drove the tip of the pliers into his wound and pulled free a fragment of nail file. "Your nail file," he told Cordelia dropping it on the table and putting the bandage back in place.

"I thought you were attacking me," Cordelia defended herself.

"This sort of thing wouldn't happen if you stay home," Buffy told him.

"My head hurts, my ribs hurt, my pride hurts," Xander said. "I'm done here. I got the psycho zombie to disarm the bomb in the basement thanks to threats and smearing his gang of zombies here and there. I'm done. Enjoy your lives, but until you master saying thank you, you can all fuck off. I should have just stayed home and let you all die," Xander muttered as he got up and stumbled out the door.

"There's a bomb where?" Wesley asked numbly.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander managed to get home without too much trouble by figuring out the middle of the three sets of images were real. Seeing the stairs leading up to his room he groaned and decided he just wasn't up to it. Deciding instead to stumble down into the basement and collapse onto the sofa down there. It was warm next to the water heater anyway he decided as he closed his eyes and let the blackness claim him.

While he slept the scrapes on his neck and back slowly healed, absorbing the demonic ichor they'd been splashed with.

**TN: Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai! **

**AN: One of my older pieces where we have angry Xander.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Xander and Angel: Shunned by the Light**

"Did you hear what I said, Xander?" Buffy asked, exasperated at the uncaring and unconcerned expression on Xander's face.

Xander stood up and looked Buffy directly in the eyes. "Fuck you."

Turning to each of the Scoobs present he said, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. I'll be back for my weapons and books."

"Weapons and books?" Wesley asked, a little put out at being ignored, as Xander left.

"Yes, well Xander has made a habit of collecting things he thought would help and lent them to me. A good two-thirds of the weapons and well over half the books I have, although many are duplicates, have been loaned by him to me. The council is only supplying the requirements for a single watcher and slayer, while we've really been fielding an entire team and Xander's the one who made up the difference, bit by bit."

"Is this going to be a major problem?" Wesley asked concerned.

"No, between the two of us we've also managed to restore a number of weapons to working order that I've added to inventory from estate sales and the like."

"Actually I meant is he going to be a problem?"

"No," Cordelia answered quietly. "He's not going to be a problem unless you make him one, but he's never going to help any of us again either."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, still a little shocked at Xander's behavior. "I know he's mad-"

"No, Cordelia's right," a very pale Willow interrupted. "We know him better than you. We no longer matter to him."

"What, but you've been friends forever!" Buffy protested.

"Doesn't matter," Cordelia said flatly. "Ryan Holdings was a friend of theirs once, but he said something, I don't know what, and Xander never talked to him again. Hell, Ryan crashed his bike and cut his head open when we were ten and Xander simply stepped on him, didn't say a word while he was lying bleeding on the sidewalk."

"But you've insulted him for years and he's never done anything like that to you!" Buffy protested.

Cordelia shrugged. "I never stepped over the line until today."

"I-I didn't think we were that close to it," Willow sniffed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander felt empty. He thought he'd had friends, but their actions had shown that wasn't true. He'd learned long ago that turning the other cheek just meant new places for people to hit you. He'd been six when he'd learned that and he still wasn't sure if it was because he'd been an eager pupil or his father just that good a teacher. Thankfully he healed fast.

He shrugged off his depression as best as he could and thought about what he wanted. He wanted friends and to keep on what he was doing.

Did he have any friends left? Well, no close ones, but there were a couple, mostly geeks he gamed with, so he wasn't completely alone. They wouldn't be much help against vampires, but then he didn't really want them for that and it might be best to hunt alone anyway it opened up some ways of fighting he couldn't before.

He no longer had to follow Willow's rules…

Xander began to smile. His place with the group had been shaky for a while and the looks and comments he'd been given, as if he'd forced himself on poor innocent Willow, hadn't been helping either, but now he was free.

First he needed a place for his books and weapons and possibly to live, now that he thought about it. Without Willow telling him he couldn't run away he could leave his parents. How hard would it be to get a GED and move out? Moving out just required finding a place to live, as no way in hell would his parents complain, but the GED might take a little effort.

'Too bad Deadboy is back, I liked the mansion, of course I haven't checked to see if he actually lives there.'

Having made his decision he decided he might as well check it out before the sun went down, just in case Angel didn't live there, but something else did.

'Ah the joys of car-ownership.' he thought to himself as he started up the whale of a car he got from his uncle.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander parked the car and looked at the mansion for a moment before loading up with weapons. Sure Angel was a… not an enemy, but there was no guarantee he lived there or that other vampires hadn't moved in if he didn't.

Entering through the front door he heard the signs of battle and quickly followed it into a huge entryway where he found Angel fighting a horned demon of some kind while a trio of vampires laughed and taunted him. Of all the things Xander expected to find, Angel in red silk jammies going hand to hand with a demon that brought its own cheering section hadn't been one of them.

"Die, traitor!" the very large vampire in the rear called out.

Xander walked up behind the vamp but knew he couldn't stake him from behind, not for any moral reasons, but because he had a thick leather jacket on that would make it difficult. Seeing the chain dangling from his back pocket Xander grinned and pulled on it… getting his wallet, but not his attention. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Xander transferred all the cash to his own pockets.

"Bet you wish you had a little silver on you, don't you?" the female vamp laughed as Angel was slammed into the wall and barely managed to avoid the demon's attempt to gore him with its horns.

Giving up on subtlety Xander tapped the vampire on the back.

Not being very bright before he was turned, and death hadn't done Bruno no favors on that score, as he was, if possible, even dimmer now that he was dead, Bruno did the worse thing he could have. Turning around to see who had tapped him on his shoulder he felt a sharp pain in his chest and like the Coyote in the Road Runner cartoons reality seemed to wait for him to catch up to it as it was at least a couple of seconds before he looked down, noticed the stake, put two and two together, and burst into ash.

"You suck!" the smaller male booed as Angel managed a double handed blow to the demons back that knocked it to its knees for a moment.

With the way the two were standing side by side Xander knew he couldn't pull that trick again, which frankly he was surprised had worked the first time. Reaching between them he squeezed her breast and quickly moved back.

"You prick, I said not now!" she yelled and nailed the male with a right cross that shattered his jaw and turned out his lights.

Since there was no way she hadn't noticed him now he yelled, "Angel, catch!" and slid his shortsword across the floor to him. The blonde was apparently a big fan of the traditional growl and hiss, which was unfortunate for her as she clearly sucked at it, and it did give Xander an easy shot at her mouth which he tossed an entire vial of holy water in.

"Stop helping me!" Angel yelled ducking a lightning fast swing of the shortsword as apparently the demon had been quicker than Angel to the sword.

With one vamp knocked out and the other convulsing Xander ignored Angel and threw a candlestick holder at the demons head. Xander wasn't sure why the vamps always went with the Goth décor, but it did make their candleholders look like props from the game Clue. The demon roared and dropped the sword as it grab it's head acting like Xander had hurt it, far more than he had in his opinion.

"Sure, make fun of the Xan man," Xander muttered.

The sounds of Angel gleefully beating a demon to death in the background covered Xander's humming as he staked the female vamp.

Xander turned around as Angel grabbed the sword and straightened up. "How did you know I needed help and where is everybody?"

Xander shrugged. "I didn't know you were in danger, and I don't care where they are."

Finding the vamp's wallet of much better quality than the one he owned he transferred everything into it and pocketed it.

"If you didn't know than why were you here armed for bear and what do you mean you don't care?" Angel asked in confusion.

"I am looking for a new place to live and I wasn't sure you were still living here, so I thought I would do the smart thing just in case something else did live here and come armed, I don't care where the others are because we've made a clean break of it," Xander explained cheerfully.

Angel almost opened his mouth but something in Xander's eyes stopped him. It was the same look Angelus had seen when Xander had told him to leave, in the hospital, it was… like looking into Dru's eyes at times. It said something here is broken and if you poke at it you'll be going off the edge of the map and into dangerous waters. To those who could read it, it said 'Here be dragons!'

"Well I appreciate the help. Why do you need a new place?" Angel asked, pulling his mind back into his own head.

"My home life isn't the best and I don't see any reason to put up with it anymore," Xander explained. "Mind if I ask what was up with this whole mess?"

"Vamp homes don't get threshold protections, so these three decided to sneak in and attack me with a Fyarl demon while I was sleeping."

"Sucks to be you," Xander said shaking his head. "Well I still need to find a place, so I'll see you around."

"Wait," Angel said. "This place has more than enough room for both of us and if you're living here it'll gain a threshold and I'll be able to sleep safely during the day."

Xander consider that. "Utilities and mail working here and what if I have someone over?"

"Angelus had everything taken care of, it's legal and I have a soundproof room in the basement I can use, the rest would be yours," Angel offered, not quite sure why he was offering it.

"Cool, I'll start moving things in today."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"OK," Angel said, announcing his presence as he came through the stacks. "I've found out why Dru was so taken with Xander. Would anyone care to tell me what happened?"

"What?" several voices chorused in confusion as they helped Giles sort and box books.

"What happened with Xander?" Angel asked flatly.

"He was always getting in the way and wasn't that much help," Buffy explained. "So we decided he should be fray adjacent and keep out of the slaying."

"Getting in the way?" Angel said with a strange look on his face.

"Yeah," Buffy said firmly.

"Wasn't much help?"

"Exactly," Buffy confirmed.

"The man who came to my door with a cross and crossbow and convinced me to man up and lead him to the Master's lair, where he quite literally brought you back from the dead, wasn't much help?" Angel asked.

No one answered.

"The man who stared Angelus down, unarmed to protect a sick slayer, was useless?"

Again no one answered.

"And are you seriously claiming Cordelia is a better fighter, cause no offense, I've seen them both fight, hell I've seen all of you fight and in the under thirty set who is not mystically empowered there is no one here I'd rather have at my back in a fight," Angel said flatly. Sure he may have been laying it on a bit thick, but something was rotten here.

Xander paused outside the library. 'Maybe Dead… Angel isn't so bad a guy after all.' Thinking it would be really awkward to walk in right now Xander decided to go get something to eat.

"What did you mean when you said you knew why Dru liked Xander?" Giles asked to change the subject.

"Because he's insane," Angel said bluntly. Waiting for the yelling to quiet before continuing, "I should say he's selectively insane. Something is broken inside him and I didn't realize it until recently because it's only shown up in events I avoid thinking about. He would do anything for a friend, anything!"

"Well yes his self-sacrificing behavior has been obvious," Giles replied.

Angel shook his head. "No, you don't understand. Most of the time he's pretty easygoing and acts just like anyone else, but the point where anyone would back down… he can't, the concept just doesn't exist for him. You can't make him stop protecting a friend, all you can do is kill him, and death doesn't always stop people in Sunnydale."

"Goofy fucker has some depth," Faith said. "So how'd they get rid of him then?"

Angel sighed. "They proved they weren't real friends." Once the girls had finally quieted down from the yelling that comment provoked Angel continued, "It doesn't matter what you think, it only matters what he thinks and in his mind you are all false friends which actually puts you at scum level, not to be trusted ever."

"How do you know all this?" Wesley asked.

"I'm a master vampire and while I don't have much of a gift for the mental arts, like some masters do, I do have one strong gift, I can look into the minds of the mad," Angel said flatly. "It's not like mind-reading, but it helps me get a feel for their world. I've never mentioned it because it's rarely all that useful."

"Can we fix him?" Willow asked suddenly.

Giles shook his head. "Altering a person's mind against their will is evil. Sure you could 'fix' him, but he'd no longer be Xander, you'd basically have killed Xander and replaced him with someone more to your liking."

"So what can we do?" Buffy asked.

"Nothing," Cordelia said bluntly. "You can kill him, but you can't make him do anything, and since we are all now persona non grata trying to convince him of anything is useless as well."

"How did you learn of Xander's problem so fast?" Giles asked.

"He was scouting for a new place to live when he found me facing a Fyarl with three vamps cheering it on," Angel said. "He took out the vamps and tossed me a silver candlestick holder to take care of the Fyarl with."

"New place to live?" Giles asked, ignoring Buffy checking Angel for wounds.

"He can't!" Willow burst out. "He promised me he'd never run away from home, no matter how bad it got…"

Angel nodded as Willow's voice trailed off. "Yeah, I'm thinking promises made to a person who turned out not to be his friend are no longer binding."

Willow burst out in tears.

"In light of this new information is Xander a threat or not?" Wesley asked.

Angel sighed as he saw the concerned looks everyone exchanged. "The only way Xander is a threat is if you hurt one of his friends and that number is really low right now."

Everyone fell silent. Faith and Wesley who weren't all that emotionally invested in the situation, but really didn't have much to say so they returned to boxing books.

After a few minutes Giles just shook his head and started sorting weapons.

"Some of those were my favorites," Buffy said with a sigh as the piles of weapons that belonged to Xander grew. "I mean they felt like they were made for me."

"That's because Xander altered them to fit you," Giles said. "As I taught him how to restore books, weapons, and what have you, he showed some talent in altering weapons to fit the wielder, most of it is done by altering the hilt to fit your hand, but there are also a lot of little things like the tiny crosses engraved on the pommel or the razor edge he tried to keep it at."

"Someone should make a list of all the things he did so we can make sure they still get done," Wesley suggested.

Giles nodded and pulled out a notebook jot down a few notes. "Got it."

The group made short work of the books needing boxing and sorting the weapons into two piles, which was good because Xander showed up just after they finished.

"Angel," Xander greeted him cheerfully before grabbing a couple of boxes to take to his car.

As Xander left the Scoobs turned to Angel the question clear in their eyes.

"If not for Xander I'd be dust right now, so I invited him to move in," Angel reminded them.

"Like the supernatural odd couple," Oz finally said receiving a lot of nods.

Giles quickly spoke up when Xander returned for another load of books, "I have about half a dozen of yours books in my office that I am still using. Is there any way I can finish with them before I return them?"

Xander nodded. "As long as you don't mind me borrowing a few of yours."

"What ones do you need?" Giles asked, already rising to get them.

"I don't recall the titles off the top of my head, but one was in old French and the other a weird form of Latin. The French one was talking about heat and motion, while the Latin one was about boundaries," Xander explained.

"What do you need those for?" Willow asked.

Xander's eyes brushed over her, but he didn't bother replying.

"I believe I know the books you're referring to, let me get them," Giles replied quickly fetching a book in brown leather and a journal size one with a wooden cover.

Xander accepted the books with a nod. "As long as you don't mind sharing books I have no problem doing the same."

"How about weapons?" Buffy suddenly spoke up.

"You have nothing I want," Xander said flatly before picking up a couple of boxes and carrying them out to his car.

"Ow," Buffy said with a wince.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**

**AN: My idea for an Insane Xander and Odd couple set up with Angel.**


	28. Chapter 28

**It's a Stretch - Twins: Separated at Birth**

Joyce answered the door and burst out laughing as she saw Xander in a suit that looked like it belonged to a used car dealer and wearing a skullcap that made him look like he was going bald.

Xander sighed. "My ego is not going to survive the night."

"Sorry, Xander," Joyce apologized, "but it's a very funny outfit and the last thing I expected to see you in."

"You can thank Buffy for that," he replied morosely. "She and Willow made a bet and since she won, she got to choose what we all dressed up as."

"And you got roped into it?" Joyce asked.

"I saved you from getting beat up, that's gotta count for something," Buffy complained, posing at the head of the stairs in a fluffy, multilayer dress.

Joyce turned back to Xander with a question in her eyes.

"I was arguing with a guy in my class because he made some disparaging remarks about a female of my acquaintance," Xander replied tonelessly.

At her mother's frown Buffy shrugged. "What? I'd do the same thing if it had been Willow!"

Joyce winced. "She gets it from Hank."

"I figured."

"And which girl were you defending?"

"The one who can't tell the difference between me and Willow. Of course now I'm going to have to get into about a dozen fights to prove I'm not a coward hiding behind her skirts," Xander said with a groan.

"No fighting!" Buffy burst out, rustling down the stairs. "I don't want you getting hurt!"

"I'd suggest just putting it all on her," Joyce said ignoring her daughter.

Xander looked horrified.

"She broke the social contract," Joyce said bluntly. "It means nothing if it's not enforced. If anyone says anything, just say Buffy heard him calling her a whore and you aren't going to defend her as she can apparently defend herself."

"What?!" Xander's look of horror had shifted to Buffy's face.

Xander looked thoughtful and slowly nodded. "That's fair and puts me in the clear." Xander turned and spotted Willow standing at the head of the stairs dressed as Batgirl. Willow grinned as Xander stumbled toward the stairs like a zombie, not even noticing Buffy speaking or the arguing she was now doing with her mom.

"W-wowsers," he stuttered. "I don't think the actual Barbra Gordon could do half as good a job filling out that outfit, Wills."

"Thanks," Willow said blushing brightly.

"Time!" Buffy called out. "If we're late, Snyder will skin us!"

The three quickly hit the street.

"Did I really screw things up that badly?" Buffy asked, once they were a block away from the house.

"Yes," Xander said bluntly. "You interfered in a man to man fight in a way that implies I'm not a man and then stole my soda."

"The soda I got slamming him into the machine?"

"I had already put my money in, Buff," Xander said. "So you castrated me in front of the whole school, stole my soda, and then dressed me this way! The only way this could get worse-"

"Buffy," Angel said stepping out of the darkness dressed in khaki short pants and a short-sleeved business shirt.

"And my night is complete," Xander said dryly.

"Why am I dressed like this?" Angel asked.

"The movie Twins with Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger," Buffy explained.

"And I'm?" Angel asked.

"The perfect man," Xander said in a terse voice.

"And you are?" Angel asked wondering how anyone could mistake those two actors for twins.

"The funny one!" Buffy quickly blurted out.

"I'm the leftovers, the assorted crap that was cast aside," Xander growled out before storming off.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Buffy called out trying to go after him.

"You don't want to talk to him right now," Willow said grabbing Buffy. "Trust me. Let him cool down first."

"What happened?" Angel asked.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Dressing as your future self?" Larry called out, dressed as a pirate and did a quick feint only to receive a punch to the throat from his target and a blow to the sternum that knocked the wind out of him.

Realizing what he'd done, Xander quickly left leaving Larry wheezing on the ground.

"Are you making fun of me?!" Snyder demanded when he spotted Xander.

"What?" Xander asked confused.

"Nothing," Snyder barked out when he saw Xander didn't know what he was talking about. "Who are you dressed as?"

"Vince from Twins," Xander replied.

"Ah, the perfect man," Snyder said satisfied.

"I thought that was Jules?"

"Please," Snyder snorted. "Jules is what society says the perfect man is, but when the chips are down which of the brothers is going to come out on top?"

"Vince," Xander replied barely having to think about it.

"Exactly," the principal agreed. "Smooth enough to seduce one of his teachers, who was a nun no less, while still in grade school. Remember Jules got everything while Vince had to struggle for it!"

"Yeah," Xander agreed finding himself nodding along. "You can't really get a fair comparison when they weren't given the same advantages."

"Jules wasn't the perfect man, he was the idealized man," Snyder said firmly. "Remember how Vince was referred to as a cockroach?"

"Yeah?" Xander asked curiously.

"There is a reason people say cockroaches are the perfect survivor, they adapt to conditions that would kill anything else."

"Yeah," Xander agreed straightening his shirt. "Jules the idealized man and his twin Vince… Darwin's proof."

"Survival of the fittest," Snyder nodded. "Glad to see you've learned something here." Snyder turned and walked off.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Vincent!" A pale, but well-muscled, man yelled in the middle of what appeared to be some sort of riot.

"Jules?" the badly dressed, balding man asked.

"You look different," the two chorused circling each other. "But I can still feel you here." The two tapped their chests.

"So bro," Xander-Vincent asked Angel-Jules, "Any ideas?"

"I don't even have a logical framework to hang this on," Angel-Jules replied waving a hand at the surrounding chaos.

"I know what you mean," Xander-Vincent said with a sigh. "But first things first. We look for the girls and the kids."

"And help people along the way," Angel-Jules reminded him.

"As long as it doesn't put family in danger," Xander-Vincent agreed.

"Good, let's head for the center of town and search in a spiral pattern."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Batgirl paused to catch her breath, a truly impressive portion of the population unconscious or tied up behind her, along with a large group of kids who cheered on their red-haired protector.

A woman dressed as a cat ran by screaming chased by a large hairy creature, but the creature saw the bodies piled everywhere and the figure standing there glaring at him and decided to retreat.

The children cheered, bringing a smile to Willow-Barbra's face as she kept an eye out for further threats. While she'd like to hunt down the source of the problem, she wouldn't abandon the children. She'd just have to wait and hope Bruce or Dick were on the case, though several of the children seemed convinced things would return to normal by morning.

"I hope they're right," she muttered as she saw several pirates approaching.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Lady Elizabeth fled at the sight of another glowing eyed demon, thankful they seemed to fear plants as she searched diligently for a safe path to the church spire she could see in the distance.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	29. Chapter 29

**Loop de Loop**

Xander blinked and looked around. He was standing in the basement of Sunnydale High. He heard the sounds of something being messily devoured behind him and a glance showed he was standing in front of the boiler room door. Opening the door a crack he saw a werewolf eating a zombie and quickly shut it. Satisfied he knew where and when he was, he started making plans.

Sunnydale was so chaotic that few repeats bore any resemblance to the original loop. After he was awake for any length of time, he could really only make plans based on past events and some future ones that were set up well in advance or far outside range of the changes he'd introduce into the timeline, and he would introduce changes. There was really no way for him not to make changes, already he could feel his body alter from the… spiritual mass he carried with him.

Spiritual mass was a good term for it. After a dozen loops he carried not one primal spirit but a pack, not a single aquatic predator but a school, not a single soldier but a platoon. They say no man is an island, but on the astral plane Xander was a bustling metropolis.

He actually found it easier to deal with all his possessions when they were a multitude rather than a few. Surrounded by others like themselves they seemed content to jockeying for position rather than fight him for control, which made day to day life much easier, but trying to tap them directly for power a lot more complicated. Fortunately their passive enhancement of him was usually enough for whatever he wanted to do.

He actually could feel himself get a little taller as he walked down the hall. Fortunately the overall change was small enough to be overlooked, unless you were carrying his medical chart and a tape measure at the time and he could still pass it off as a late growth spurt. The slightly enlarged canines and second eyelid would be harder to explain, but also required a more thorough examination to find, as did half a dozen other things.

Stepping out the front door of the school he smiled at the sight of sunrise. No matter how many lives he lived the sight of the sun rising always made him smile.

"What are you doing here?!" Cordelia demanded.

Xander ignored her and continued on. In his first life he'd felt enough guilt over their breakup that he'd let her harass him, but a frank look back when he'd reached his thirties the first time cured him of any guilt. Really, he didn't know how Angel put up with them. Teen drama and angst were his new kryptonite; his tolerance hovered right around nil. Given a choice between dealing with the gang talking about their problematic love lives and getting skinned alive… Xander was pretty sure he could regrow his skin. He was grateful they were in their senior year, because end of the world or not, he didn't think he could take more than a couple of months of high school again.

Starting his car he decided to take it over to his uncle Rory's and work on it. He'd fixed this particular car so many times he could do it blindfolded. It'd take most of the day and about five hundred in parts, but he also knew some quick and easy fixes he could use on some of the cars currently in the shop that would make Uncle Rory overlook it.

Pulling into his Uncle's auto shop and wrecking yard, he got to work. His shirt was quickly reduced to the status of rags and his pants weren't much better but he got what he needed done.

Rory came out, half awake and drinking a cup of coffee as Xander started the cars he'd worked on to check his work a couple hours later.

"I swiped a muffler off that junked out Chrysler and raided your hubcap collection," Xander told him. "Also I'm raiding your closet, these clothes are toast."

"Check the closet in my spare room; I stick all my old clothes in there. They should fit you better, since you ain't my size yet," Rory replied easily.

Xander came out not ten minutes later while Rory was filling out the bill for the repaired cars so he could call their owners.

Rory grinned. "I haven't worn that since high school. You look like a proper greaser."

Xander chuckled. "You even had Brylcreem for the hair." Faded Levi's and a while undershirt were topped by a leather jacket and motorcycle boots.

"If you want a part time job, you seem to have some skill as a mechanic," Rory told him.

"Sunday mornings," Xander agreed. "I'll be by."

Rory nodded and lit up a cigarette as Xander drove off.

Xander considered how to play the next few months. He couldn't stand teens and he was going to be surrounded by them. Angel was actually more fun to be around than the students in their group. Hmmm. That actually sparked a thought. Vampire Willow was due for an appearance in a couple of weeks. For a soulless demon she was actually fun, disturbing as hell at times, but fun. He'd need some money and an orb of Thesulah. Meh, he'd just steal Giles', but having a necromantic spell precast and loaded for use was going to cost some serious money.

"Baby steps," Xander muttered as he saw the local theater was playing Grease. Grinning he parked and got out. He'd barely taken three steps when he felt something hit the back of his head and everything went black.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I don't think the Hyena would be able to stand the smell of his hair cream," Angel said as Xander slowly regained consciousness.

"And he knows his hair products," Xander said, his mouth feeling like a badger had slept in it. "What happened?"

"You got possessed again, so we had to keep you unconscious until Giles had a chance to gather everything we need to exorcise you!" Buffy quickly explained.

"Who possessed me on the way to watch Grease?" Xander asked.

"That's where I know it from," Angel said suddenly. "That's authentic Brylcreem!"

"Everything is authentic 50's apparel," Xander said testing the ropes he was tied up with.

"You were dressed up for the show," Angel said in understanding, while everyone fell silent.

"Even black leather…" Buffy trailed off.

"I see," Xander said calmly, not having been expecting this, but deciding to use it to help cover for the changes they were sure to notice in his behavior. "So, because I was dressed in costume to see a show, you knocked me over the head, kidnapped me and kept me drugged all day."

"Well you were prowling around the school this morning!" Cordelia exclaimed.

"I was stopping a group of zombies from setting off a bomb in the boiler room, since you guys didn't want to listen when I told you about it."

"Oz stopped the bomb," Willow said loyally.

"No, Oz ate Jack, after I got him to disarm the bomb that he set, by convincing him I was crazy enough to let it kill us both," Xander explained.

"That does fill in a few holes," Wesley admitted.

"You should have been at home like I told you to," Buffy said.

"Notice how everyone is jumping to agree?" Xander asked rhetorically.

"Yeah, I knew that was stupid as soon as I said it," Buffy admitted.

"Now, would someone mind untying me and getting me some aspirin?" Xander asked.

"We've already got everything ready for the depossession spell," Willow pointed out.

"Good, we'll cast it on Buffy and see if your nose pops out of her ass," Xander said dryly.

Cordelia coughed to cover up a laugh.

"What?!" Willow began but Xander interrupted her before she could get going. "Quiet! You have probably given me a concussion and have kept me drugged and bound all day and now your excuse to cast spells on me against my will is 'we already have the ingredients?!' This is just some faint hope that something happens so you can justify another ham-handed idea of Buffy's. If anyone here needs it cast on them it's you, because I have no idea who the hell you are, but it's no one I recognize and your head is buried so far up Buffy's ass it probably does count as possession!"

Cordelia fell over laughing.

"Now someone untie me and get me something for my headache, because I guarantee Stockholm Syndrome isn't going to kick in fast enough to make me forgive this shit!"

Angel untied him and Xander stood up and stretched before rubbing his temples. "I gotta use the can."

"See?" Willow offered lamely.

"See what?" Cordelia asked, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Xander wouldn't do that!" Willow said firmly.

"You've done nothing but take Buffy's side over his in the past few years," Cordelia said. "Harmony doesn't follow me so slavishly."

"She's been right," Willow tried to defend herself.

Buffy winced recalling some of the stupid decisions she'd made despite opposition.

"From Xander's point of view everything he said is true and between the pain in his head and your insistence on casting magic on him I'd say his patience is at an end," Wesley guessed.

"Except for being angry he seems like himself," Giles offered. "And his anger is understandable."

"Thank you," Xander said, catching what Giles said as he entered the library. "Do you have any aspirin?"

"Yes, but all I have to drink it with is tea," Giles warned.

"If it quiets the hammering in my skull, I'd bathe in it," Xander said as Giles brought out a tea trolley.

A couple of minutes later saw Xander and the two Brits drinking tea while Angel watched with a touch of envy.

"I'm sure Giles can spare another cup," Xander told him.

"I can't drink, vampire," Angel reminded him.

"But Spike did," Xander said. "So there's got to be more to it."

"Spike had several human habits that made no sense to me," Angel replied.

"But you could conceivably drink tea?" Xander asked. "There isn't going to be any holy reaction?"

"No, it's just tea," Angel agreed.

"It's hardly just tea," Giles disagreed. "I get this shipped in special from Somerset."

"Here, here," Wesley agreed lifting his cup.

"OK, maybe around these two," Angel admitted with an almost unnoticeable grin.

"I'm just curious what vampires can't do versus what they don't do because it's a human habit or they were told they couldn't," Xander said with a shrug. "Hate to find out I thought someone was human only to find out vamps also like to chew bubbilicious."

Angel coughed covering up a laugh. "I'll let you know."

"Thanks, and would you escort me back to my car? It's a bit late for me to be walking around with a head injury by myself."

"And you're asking Angel?" Cordelia asked finding it a bit suspicious despite recent events because of how vocal he was against anything to do with the vamp until now.

"I don't see him looking for excuses to knock me out to prove Buffy 'right'. Call me paranoid but I'm not feeling too charitable right now and I've trusted Angel before, I just bitched during it."

"I'll walk you over there," Angel agreed.

Xander finished his tea. "Thanks Giles, this was actually a lot better than I was expecting."

"Not a problem, sorry for the mix up," Giles replied.

"We might want to invest in something that glows when someone is possessed or influenced though," Xander admitted. "Hyenas, ghosts, egg babies."

"I'll look into it," Giles promised as they left.

As the two walked down the stairs, Angel asked, "Why did you steal the orb of Thesulah?"

"I'm going to find a necromancer to preload a soul curse on it," Xander replied truthfully.

"Good," Angel said. After a minute he had to ask, "Head so far up Buffy's ass it counts as possession?"

"I've known Willow since forever, but I don't even recognize that sycophant," Xander said.

"Oh," Angel said in understanding.

"I once had two true friends, one was turned by your sire giving me a hatred of vampires in general and your bloodline in particular, and the other crawled up Buffy's ass and died. Maybe I'm overstating it, but I don't think so. My true friend would never have just blown me off when I came to her with life or death information."

**Typing by: The last Primarch!**


	30. Chapter 30

**B.U.M. 5**

**Previous chapters in Fragments: CH1 68/CH2 70**

**Previous chapters in More Fragments: CH3 08/CH4 45 **

"Hive is robbing the museum," Robin reported. "Titans go!"

Xander easily kept pace with the Titans as they answered the call, ending up squeezing behind Beast Boy's seat in a specially designed aircraft that probably came apart into individual sections as needed, if Xander was any judge. The colored piecemeal look of the vehicle certainly suggested it.

"Sorry the meet and greet was interrupted," Cyborg told Xander over the communication system.

"Very rarely have we ever had villains schedule a convenient time for a crime," Xander replied. "At least we aren't being called in the middle of snu-snu."

Robin didn't join in the laughter but you could hear the smile in his voice, "Too bad we can't interrupt their day like they interrupt ours."

"Being a hero is either reacting to crime or invading everyone's privacy to prevent it," Xander agreed. "Of course if we planted bugs on them we could find their lair and wait for the most annoying time possible to attack."

"That's evil," Cyborg said with a laugh. "Priming tracers now."

"ETA is in five," Starfire announced cheerfully.

"Five what?" Beastboy asked, but before he could answer the Titan's craft forcibly ejected everyone.

"Seconds I believe," Starfire replied grabbing Cyborg while Raven used her telekinesis to float herself and Robin, and Beastboy took the form of a seagull.

Following his sybiote's memories, Xander shot a ball of webbing above him, using tactile telekinesis to form it into a gliding wing. "Does this normally happen?"

"Saves on parking fees," Cyborg replied.

"We've got the front," Robin announced as Raven guided them towards the front of the museum.

"The Caboose is us then," Starfire said.

"Roof is me and Beastboy," Xander said.

As the group got low enough they saw the villains exit the museum.

"Or we could be fighting in the street in front of it," Cyborg said.

In seconds a battle royale had formed with neither side appearing all that concerned with collateral damage as energy blasts and explosives were tossed about like confetti.

Xander found himself throwing up screens of webbing to prevent needless destruction of the surrounding area.

Mammoth quickly gained the upper hand, knocking Beastboy back a dozen feet and quickly turned to attack Xander, thinking he was trying to block all their escape routes. Starfire zipped between the two and caught Mammoth's fists, green fire leaking from her eyes as she yelled," You will not touch my Baby's daddy!"

Mammoth shrank back." You're pregnant?"

"No, he is," Starfire responded firmly.

"Is this some alien thing?" Jinx asked as the fight stopped.

"Yes, but on our part," Xander replied.

"Should you be fighting in your condition?" Mammoth asked nervously.

"I was just putting up some webs to absorb stray blasts," Xander replied. "The Titans aren't trained to work with us yet, so we decided to hang back and not get in the way."

"I thought you were trying to trap us, sorry," Mammoth apologized.

"Well that killed the mood," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, my battle boners gone," Billy Numerous agreed, causing half the Titans to make faces of disgust.

"We were just covering for Billy to escape with pictures of the tablet of that Horus guy," Mammoth said.

"Stop giving away our missions!" Jinx complained zapping Mammoth in the ass with a hex bolt.

"Ouch!" Mammoth rubbed his ass. "Sorry."

"Dude, posters of it are available in the gift shop for like, five bucks!" Beastboy complained.

Jinx smacked herself in the head. "Next job I'm going alone."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You were absorbing emotions throughout the battle," Raven noted once they'd returned to the tower, which had required catching a city bus and transferring at midtown to the harbor line. The Titans all had bus passes on them and Xander had to borrow bus fare from Beastboy.

"Yes, fear and excitement are very nutritious," Xander assured her. "You already knew we fed on emotional energy."

"Yes, but I felt an… echo and it's getting stronger," she explained.

Xander froze. "We are about to give birth. Our Other did not think it important to mention."

"What do we do!?" Beastboy exclaimed.

"Boil water and tear up some sheets!" Xander ordered.

"On it!" Beastboy yelled running off.

Xander settled back into the chair.

"Breathe, Honey," Starfire told him, taking his hand and trying to get him to try Lamaze.

"Just watch our belly," Xander told her as a black bubble slowly began to form over his stomach.

The Titans leaned in close as what appeared to be a ball of tar expanded into a small black figure… that immediately leapt onto Cyborg's face.

"Arrrgh!" Cyborg yelled throwing himself backwards as it turned to liquid and started covering his entire body.

"Don't fight it!" Xander ordered, jumping to his feet. "Accept the bond!"

"Is this normal?" Starfire asked.

"Unfortunately," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"Wedgie!" Cyborg yelped rolling around on the carpet.

"What do we need to do?" Robin demanded.

"Nothing," Raven said feeling the amusement of Xander and his symbiote, as well as Cyborg calming down under the projected joy of his symbiote as it bonded to him.

Cyborg laid still, his entire form covered in a layer of solid black before it morphed once more into skin and hair. Opening his eyes he climbed to his feet with an expression of awe. "I-I can feel," he whispered examining his now human looking hands.

"He's human?" Robin asked.

"He's still a cyborg, but his Other can easily substitute for missing skin and even limbs if need be," Xander explained.

"I can see that," said a red faced Raven, quickly turning away.

"Huh?" Cyborg glanced down and saw his symbiote had replaced more than just his legs. "I-I'm so happy!"

"Yes, we can see," Xander told him.

"Ahh!" Cyborg covered himself with his hands.

Typing by: The Last Primarch!


	31. Chapter 31

**Prologue**

_**A Hidden Laboratory in the mountains of Nevada**_

Batman and Superman stared at the wall of glass tubes in horror. Luthor hadn't stopped at just creating one human-Kryptonian hybrid he'd created…hundreds!

"Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" an alarm rang out as the computer system freed itself from the logic loop Batman had trapped it in.

"Uhh!" Superman flinched back as red light bathed the area and glowing green particles of sand were dropped in the tubes causing the figures inside to convulse.

"He's killing them!" Batman growled.

"A fail safe to prevent them falling into someone else's hands," Superman said as explosions could be heard coming from the far end of the complex. "The last thing he'd want to do is create more of me."

"Good point," Batman agreed throwing one of Superman's arms over his shoulder and helping him run for the exit as the explosions grew nearer. "We've gotta get out of here!"

The two scanned the smoking pile of rubble. Superman with his eyes and Batman with something he'd pulled off his belt.

"It looks like Lex managed to cover his tracks once again," Superman said with a sigh.

"I've got a life sign," Batman said staring at his scanner.

"The Kryptonite must still be affecting me," Superman said. "Where?"

Batman adjusted his scanner and moved around the rubble until he found what he was looking for. "Five point three meters straight down. I'd suggest freezing it into a solid mass and using super speed to move it and retreat before any stray bits of kryptonite can affect you."

Taking a deep breath Superman waited until Batman had moved back before freezing a large chunk of the rubble with his freeze breath and digging his hands into it. With a quick heave he ripped it from the earth and set it aside before stumbling away from the exposed tube and its cargo of deadly kryptonite.

Batman leapt into the hole, whipped a glass cutter off his belt and quickly opened the tube and pulled the clone out. "Batman to Watchtower, two for emergency beam up to medical."

Superman opted to fly up instead of teleporting to help shake the remaining nausea from his kryptonite exposure but he still reached the Watchtower far too soon to suit him. He stopped to talk to several people he passed in the hall on the way to medical and he even checked in the monitor room for any possible emergencies requiring his attention, but Superman still found himself meeting Batman outside medical not more than five minutes later. "How is he?" Superman asked nervously.

"Complicated," Batman replied.

"How do you mean?"

"He has more human DNA than Kryptonian, enough to make him immune to kryptonite, so he survived while the rest of the hybrid clones perished," Batman explained. "We're keeping him unconscious until J'onn's available, so we can root out any possible brainwashing."

"Did he mix his DNA with mine again this time?" Superman asked with a sigh, still more than a little creeped out by Lex's continual use of his DNA to make hybrid clones of the two of them.

"According to the files I managed to decrypt he's the combination of DNA derived from a Kryptonian foot found floating in space and a sperm bank robbery."

"What?" Superman asked not sure he heard Batman correctly.

"Lex has a couple of space probes that he uses to sweep the local area of space for any kryptonite he can find and a boot with a foot in it was found floating in a cloud of kryptonite sand."

"A Kryptonian completely unrelated to me," Superman said in shock. "And the fact that he used random DNA samples to combine with it as opposed to his own, which he always does with mine, makes the fact that he insists on using his own with mine even creepier."

Batman opened and closed his mouth several times without saying anything. "Yes it does," he finally admitted several minutes later.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It took several sessions over a week's time before the Martian Manhunter declared him 'clean', having found no hidden programming or subliminal commands.

**Watchtower Simulation Room 1a**

"Red sunlight at full intensity," Batman announced. "Superman, Supergirl hang back and wait for my signal."

The two Kryptonians waited in the hall outside the room.

"Wonder Woman, apply the lasso," he ordered. "Manhunter, I'm cutting off the gas and sunlight now, he'll awake at any moment."

"Isn't this a bit excessive?" Supergirl asked.

"Probably," Superman agreed, "but its effective and an ounce of prevention-"

"Beats a pound of cure," Supergirl finished with a sigh.

"He's waking up," Batman announced, waving the two in.

The dark haired young man blinked a few times trying to clear the grit from the corner of his eyes. He looked down at the sheet covering him and the lasso tied around him following it up to Wonder Woman who was holding it. "Is this going to cost me extra?"

"What?" Wonder Woman asked, while everyone else aside from the two flinched back.

"I wake up naked, feeling like I've been drinking a lot, and a beautiful woman has me tied up and is wearing a Wonder Woman outfit," he replied. "I'm guessing I paid for some companionship, since I don't remember having a girlfriend."

"And how do you know you're not the sex worker?" Wonder Woman asked, nostrils flaring.

"Even better," he said perking up. "Do what you want to me Wonder Woman, but you'll never get the disarming code from me using violence," he swore, trying to get in character.

Supergirl snorted and had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing.

Coming fully awake he sat up and looked around. "Four guys and two girls," he counted out with a frown. "It's generally better to have more girls than guys for this sort of thing, but two on one is workable."

"We are who we are dressed as," Martian Manhunter assured him, floating off the ground to demonstrate.

"OK, since you're heroes first times free," he said. "But let me wake up a little more first."

Supergirl fell down laughing, while Superman was almost a solid red.

"This isn't an orgy!" Batman growled out.

"It could be if you'd just loosen up," the clone complained.

"Are you planning on harming anyone here?" Wonder Woman demanded.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times finding himself saying, "Supergirl's probably going to be walking a bit tenderly once I'm done and I believe you have enough daddy issues to enjoy a good spanking."

Supergirl now matched Superman in the red category and Wonder Woman had paled.

"I don't have a father," she said firmly.

"Yes you do," the clone disagreed. "Hey, you're forcing me to tell the truth with this thing, aren't you?!"

"It's the quickest and easiest way to prove you're not a threat," Batman explained.

"It's heavy handed is what it is," the clone said. He broke out in a grin, "But that's OK, I just thought of a workaround."

"Are you planning to do anything malicious to the Earth or humanity in general?" Wonder Woman asked.

Closing his eyes and concentrating the clone said, "Your breasts are works of art."

Jaws dropped.

"I mean that quite literally," the clone said with a relieved sigh. "The hands of an artist sculpted you. Most women have to rely on Mother Nature, but your mother designed you specifically. It makes me wonder if she had anyone in mind. I mean she'd want you to be as beautiful as possible, so odds are you were designed based on the most beautiful women she knew. Of course they were probably past lovers because it's the heart that truly defines beauty."

"The lasso compels you to speak the truth, but not a specific truth," the Manhunter said with a sigh.

"Yep," the clone agreed before looking at a red faced Wonder Woman. "And if forced to tell the truth, which I consider a hostile act, I will start at embarrassing and move on to harsher and harsher truths. The truth hurts and with it I can make you bleed!"

"He has a point," Superman admitted. "Treating someone as an enemy is a good way to make one."

Wonder Woman unwound the lasso from around him.

"You are a hybrid clone of Kryptonian and human DNA," Batman stated. "For all we know you were programmed to be the Joker with Kryptonian powers."

"My favorite Martian over there should be able to tell you I'm my own man and not a deranged killer."

"Your mind is a bit too disordered for me to give a valid interpretation of your personality or morality," J'onn explained.

"I got a lotta data," the clone said tapping a knuckle against his temple, "but no real identity. I guess the question isn't who am I so much as who do I want to be."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Another one of my strange ideas on how clones would actually behave… plus, does anyone else think Lex has a bit of a thing for Supes or is it just me?**


	32. Chapter 32

**Contracts**

"Naruto Uzumaki, the council finds your actions against the Uchiha heir deplorable. You were sent on a simple rescue mission and yet when you arrived the Uchiha had a significant number of injuries, not from the enemy nin trying to kidnap him but from your own hands!" Homura announced causing an angry stir among the council.

"Simple rescue mission?" Naruto asked sarcastically. "I didn't know simple rescue missions involved fighting the Sound Four who helped Orochimaru kill the Third Hokage or having to fight the person you're rescuing because Orochimaru's curse seal drove him nuts as well as making him much more powerful."

The mutterings from the council grew, but sounded more confused than angry.

"Those were declared A-rank secrets!" Homura exclaimed with a heated glare. "I'll have your head for this!"

"You'd have to notify me of that first," Naruto said flatly. "And since I've been unconscious for a week while regrowing my right lung from where the Uchiha stuck a chidori through me it's pretty obvious I didn't get told."

"It's every nin's duty to attend a mission debriefing as soon as they are physically able," Homura retorted. "It's not our fault you haven't done your duty so you can still be charged!"

"Actually it is your fault," Tsunade broke in. "You ordered for him to be dressed and brought in as soon as he was conscious, despite doctor's orders that he not be stressed and should be sedated for another three days."

"Fine," Homura snorted, realizing she'd just have to be happy with what they'd already managed to do to Naruto. "Naruto Uzumaki for your actions on your last mission…"

"Which I haven't been debriefed on or even discussed yet, leaving your only source of info someone whose been under the influence of Orochimaru's curse seal," Naruto interrupted, glad Granny had coached him on all of this.

"The council's decision is final!" she barked out. "Naruto Uzumaki, you are hereby banished from the Leaf village. You have twenty four hours to comply or be executed!"

As she finished speaking the seal on Naruto's stomach flared, setting his shirt and jacket on fire, which he quickly ripped off revealing his heavily bandaged chest that was slowly being soaked through with blood.

"What the hell was that!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly finding it a lot harder to suppress his chakra.

Jiraya quickly examined Naruto. "The seal's gone!"

"Shouldn't that mean a giant fox rips its way out of me like Chouji in a vat of pudding?" Naruto asked nervously.

Jiraya didn't answer as he cast several diagnostic jutsu on Naruto and after several terse minutes waved Tsunade over to check his results.

"The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife until Tsunade spoke, "The fox is gone, you don't have any demonic energy in your system at all."

"Which is lucky for you because the seal is gone as well and I don't know why," Jiraya added.

The council milled around in confusion not knowing what to make of this development.

"So this is what freedom feels like," Naruto said slowly, beginning to smile. Sure he'd dreamed of becoming Hokage, but he'd also dreamed of getting rid of the fox. "I think I'll visit Tazuna first."

"How is the fox gone when Uzumaki is still here?" one of the civilian councilors exclaimed.

"Naruto is not the fox, he was just the prison keeping it locked away," Jiraya said. "The seal…"

"You've thought of something?" Tsunade asked.

"Yeah," Jiraya said. "Minato's last words. Minato said we must treat Naruto like a hero. At the time I thought he was just saying what he wished to happen but now I think he was giving us an order. Any seal that deals with a spiritual being is referred to as a contract because there are rules each side is bound to follow. When the council banished Naruto from the village they broke the contract with the Shinigami."

"And the Shinigami took the fox?" Naruto turned to the council and gave them a huge smile. "Banishing me is the best thing you guys ever did, thanks!"

"I'm afraid it's not that simple," Jiraya said. "We won't know the full effects of breaking the contract until a year is up. The contract is simply being held in abeyance at this point."

"So I could explode this time next year?!" Naruto screamed.

"It's possible," Jiraya admitted. "But more likely the fox will simply reform where he was sealed and you'll be fine."

"Glad I won't be Hokage when that happens," Tsunade said shaking her head.

"What?!" over half the council demanded.

"I only became Hokage because Naruto asked me to," Tsunade replied with a shrug. "Since he's being banished I have no reason to stay here."

"Danzo can take over as Hokage," Homura said. "Jiraya we'll need you to stay so if the fox returns you can seal it away."

"Not a chance," Jiraya said shaking his head. "And it wouldn't work again anyway."

"Why not?" Homura demanded.

"Because I'm not sacrificing my soul for a village that banished my godson and the fox would poison and kill any baby you stick it in anyway."

"Then how did Uzumaki survive?"

"Naruto survived because he's an Uzumaki and has their bloodline, which seems to be tailored to keeping the fox locked up. His chakra is the perfect counter to the fox's and he has a regenerative ability that counters its poisonous nature. No, we have no newborn Uzumaki to contain the fox and I'm not about to sacrifice my soul for you bastards."

"We have a year!" one of the councilors burst out. "That's more than enough time to make Naruto produce a child to cage the fox!"

"Not a chance in hell," Naruto said flatly. "The Fourth actually thought you people were worth protecting, but then he also thought you'd obey his last wishes and treat me like a human being. I know what you people are actually like and I ain't about to let you abuse one of my kids!"

"As a citizen of…" Homura trailed off.

"Exactly. I'm a no longer a citizen of the Leaf, but I am a citizen of the land of Fire, which means not only do you have no authority over me, you cannot touch me with without committing treason. Now if you'll excuse me I plan on packing and getting something to eat before I go."

Tsunade left with Naruto while the council erupted in arguments as Homura's manipulations and their disastrous results were made plain.

Naruto and Tsunade walked to Ichiraku's ramen stand with a lightness in their step that hadn't been seen in a while as their responsibilities had weighed on them.

"So what's the plan Granny?"

"How about not calling me Granny until you've healed enough to survive my response?" Tsunade suggested with a grin.

Naruto chuckled. "Give me enough ramen and I'll be right as rain."

"I'm not sure you should be walking around in your condition but the point's rather moot as you have to leave shortly anyway."

"I heal faster when I can move around and get some decent food in me," Naruto replied.

"Probably has something to do with your bloodline," she replied absently. "I know your mother was much the same."

"I'm still a bit shocked at who my parents were," Naruto said, shaking his head.

"This was the first chance we had to tell you about them since you proved you were mature enough to know by passing the Chunin exams, even if you weren't promoted."

Naruto just nodded as his favorite place in the entire village came into sight.

* * *

"We need to proceed one step at a time," Shibi Aburame, suggested pushing his sunglasses up with a finger. "First we need to know what clause of the contract was broken."

"We can summon the Shinigami and respectfully request a copy," Jiraya said.

"How big a sacrifice does that require?" one of the councilors asked nervously.

"Depends," Jiraya replied enjoying their fear and knowing you could actually get by with a soft boiled egg and eight cc's of mouse blood.

* * *

"Are you ok?" Ayame asked anxiously as she fussed over Naruto.

"I'll be better once I have some ramen in me."

"Let me get some," the ramen waitress said rushing off.

"Are you really going to be okay?" Teuchi asked while his daughter prepared half a dozen bowls for Naruto.

"My right lung is almost completely regrown," Naruto assured him. "I just need some food in me."

"Give Ayame a week or two to fatten you up a bit and you'll be fine I'm sure."

"Unfortunately I've been banished for bruising the council's precious Uchiha while bringing him back, so this time tomorrow I have to be gone."

"What!?"

* * *

Jiraya slammed his hands down on the seal causing lines of blue fire to race along it till they all met up in the center in an explosion of blue fire that was suddenly swallowed up by the black cloaked figure that appeared.

"Why have you summoned me?" a feminine voice asked. "Not that I don't already know."

"You're the shinigami?" Jiraya burst out.

She pulled back her hood revealing a pale young woman with black hair and a diamond on her forehead similar to Tsunade's. "My name is Raven and I'm filling in for the local Shinigami while he undergoes his quarterly review."

"Oh," Jiraya said a bit shocked that the afterlife had the same things he'd dealt with as a chunin.

"So what was the purpose of this summons?"

"We'd like to respectfully request a copy of the contract binding the Kyuubi to Naruto Uzumaki," Jiraya said.

"I can tell you that off the top of my head. Rather than a formal contract as such it was set up as a bet between Naruto's father the Fourth Hokage and the local Shinigami; Earl Slackmyer."

Homura winced as she could feel the civilians on the council glaring at her and concocting plans to ruin her life.

"The bet was simple. Minato bet that the citizens of the Leaf Village were honorable decent people who would treat his son, Naruto Uzumaki, the Jailor of the Kyuubi, like the hero he was. Earl bet they were morons who would blame the infant that protected them."

Half the council was smacking themselves in the head at this point.

"Earl was nice enough to allow a lot of leeway saying that it only mattered how Naruto was perceived at the end of his life as a member of the Leaf Village. If it was up to Minato, he'd have released the seal before Naruto was a year old. I have rarely seen anyone more disillusioned with humanity."

"And since Naruto is no longer a member of the Leaf Village, nor can he be one again, the bet was lost," Jiraya said, putting things together.

"Exactly."

"So what happens now?"

* * *

"How can you let them do this?" Ayame demanded. Tsunade sighed. "Between the Third's death and my taking up the mantel, they had weeks to screw with the laws. Somehow the civilian council has the right to banish any nin that has proven himself a threat to his fellow nin and it cannot be overturned or countermanded. Naruto's banishment is legal, so I'm resigning as Hokage and following him into exile."

Naruto paused and swallowed his mouthful of noodles. "That's a lot more than you told me."

"We didn't have a whole lot of time between your waking up and getting to the meeting," Tsunade said.

"Yeah, I get that," Naruto agreed. "But still 'the council are dicks'?"

"Did I really need to say any more at that time?"

"No I guess not," he replied and returned to his ramen.

"Dad, as soon as Naruto's finished we need to pack and sell everything we aren't taking with us," Ayame told her father. "The council has banished Naruto."

"I'll contact the realtor. I know of a couple that made generous offers because they didn't want Naruto eating in public. I'll gouge them for a lot of ryo while you prepare the traveling cart."

"Thanks dad!" Ayame beamed.

Naruto just stared stunned.

"What? You really thought I'd stay where my best customer wasn't welcome? Any place you are not welcome isn't a place I'm going to raise my daughter!"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Just my thoughts on a more entertaining version of the Naruto gets banished challenge.**


	33. Chapter 33

**No Sensei**

"You're never going to teach us are you?" Naruto asked, when Kakashi finally arrived two hours late for their daily meeting.

"What are you talking about?" Kakashi asked concerned.

"We've been your team for two months and got nothing to show for it, not one technique or new exercise, just some useless sparring since you never help us there either."

"I've been training you in genin procedures and group tactics," Kakashi defended himself.

Naruto didn't reply. "Shadow Clone Jutsu," he said, strangely calm for his normal hyperactive self, creating over a dozen clones around himself.

"What?" Kakashi asked preparing himself for Naruto to attack, but the dozen or so clones simply took off in different directions leaving Naruto standing there looking bored.

"What was that all about?!" Sakura demanded.

"Nothing important," Naruto replied, not even looking at her. "Let's get today's 'training' started."

"Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"Let's go, we've wasted enough time," Naruto replied turning and heading for the Hokage's tower, leaving the rest of team seven the choice of either catching up or being left behind.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

While team seven was waiting in line for their next mission, Kakashi slipped away to have a word with the Hokage.

"What was the point of all the clones?" Sasuke asked, trying to figure out his teammate's twisted plan, because he just knew the Dobe was going to get them all in trouble.

"I had errands," Naruto replied in a tone that said that's all he was going to say on the subject.

Sakura frowned at the back of Naruto's head, unable to believe he was being so rude to Sasuke-kun.

Before his pink haired teammate could get worked up enough to assault him the Hokage's secretary called out, "Uzumaki the Hokage will see you now.

Naruto rolled his eyes, knowing he'd never made an appointment with the old man, just barged in when he knew the old man wouldn't be too busy. Obviously this was her subtle way of letting him know the old man wanted to see him and judging by Kakashi's absence he was the reason.

"Naruto are you having trouble with your sensei?" Sarutobi asked not wasting time beating around the bush.

"Before I answer that question, write me out everything you'd teach your genin team in the space of two months and what the training schedule would be like. Just base it off what you know of the three of us with crucial, not-to-be-forgotten skills with an asterisk next to them."

"Naruto each sensei has a unique style of teaching."

"Humor me old man. It ain't like I ask for much."

"Very well," the Hokage agreed and took out a small scroll, quickly filling it with a wealth of skills and schedules tailored from memory for team seven.

"Can I see?" Naruto asked when Sarutobi had finished.

"Here."

Naruto accepted the scroll and looked through it.

"Kakashi covered two of the skills you listed so we could capture Tora, but Iruka taught us those in the academy so really it was just refreshing our memory."

"So what has he been teaching you than?" the Hokage asked confused.

Naruto shrugged. "Nothing that I've noticed and the only part of your schedule that matches his, is to pick up and complete a mission."

"I see," the Hokage said quietly pulling out his pipe and lighting it, deep in thought.

Naruto waited patiently when he heard a tapping at the window and saw one of his clones waving at him. Opening the window he let him in. "What's up?"

"I was backup for the clone sneaking into the ANBU training grounds. He got nailed so I met with the other backups," the clone said handing Naruto a notebook. "Here is a list of the best places to watch others training and where clones didn't make it in or people were hostile towards them."

"This is great!" Naruto said with a grin.

"Thanks, mind if I go screw around rather than dispersing?"

"Sure, have fun," Naruto said waving him off.

"Thanks!" the clone said before vanishing out the window.

Naruto sat down and began looking through the notebook.

"You do know you get the memories of your clones when they disperse, right?" the Hokage asked.

"Really?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto's clone smiled as happy to get a day off as Naruto would be.

"Naruto!" Ino called out waving him over.

"Hey, Ino," Naruto replied finding Ino with her team. "What do you need?"

"Tell me how far forehead has gotten with Sasuke?" she demanded.

"What's in it for me?"

"You get to live!" Ino said annoyed at Naruto getting between her and her duty as a Sasuke fangirl.

Naruto whipped out a kunai and handed it to her hilt first, since he was a clone and would much rather be popped than deal with a fangirl.

Ino paled. "I wasn't serious!"

Shikamaru and Chouji got a little concerned over Naruto's uncharacteristic behavior.

"Suit yourself," he replied putting away the kunai and starting to walk off completely unaffected.

"Wait!"

"What?" Naruto demanded getting annoyed.

"I still want to know," Ino said stubbornly.

"And I still have no reason to tell you and would rather take a kunai in the throat than do it for free."

"What do you want?" Ino asked.

"Ramen," Naruto replied.

"Ramen?" Ino asked reflexively. "Oh, you're trying to trick a date out of me. Sorry, but I like Sasuke."

"Don't care. I want Ramen, not a date," he said rolling his eyes.

"And you can't buy your own?" Ino demanded annoyed when she realized he didn't want to date her.

"Don't have any money on me."

Ino patted him down and pulled out Gama-chan his toad wallet before he could blink. "Ha!"

"Throw one of the coins on the ground," Naruto ordered.

Frowning Ino did so and blinked in surprise as it turned to smoke. "What the?"

"Why do you have an illusionary wallet on you?" Shikamaru asked.

"Everything I have on is illusionary," Naruto replied.

Ino grabbed the back of his jacket and tried to cut it with a kunai making it vanish into smoke.

Naruto frowned annoyed at the loss of his jacket and crossed his arms. "Are you done yet or do you plan on stripping me completely naked?"

"Eep!" Ino jumped back blushing.

Naruto turned to walk off when Ino yelled, "Wait!" again.

"What?" Naruto demanded more than a little pissed at having to deal with her.

"I still want to know!"

"I've told you my price. Meet it or beat it."

Seeing no give in him she sighed. "Fine."

"Follow," he ordered. "I'm not saying anything till I have my Ramen."

Ino was forced to rush to catch up and was left panting by the time they reached Ichiraku's Ramen, annoyed that Naruto wasn't even out of breath.

Naruto took a stool and waved Ayame over, "Two miso ramen please and she's paying for it."

Ayame smoothly slid two bowls in front of Naruto.

"OK, ask your questions," Naruto said. "You've got until I finish eating."

"How far has Sakura gotten with Sasuke?"

"He tolerates her and not much more than that and only during missions or training."

"Really?" Ino said hopefully.

"You buy the ramen you get honest answers," Naruto said.

Ayame came over when she heard that. "Which is why Hokage-sama and Iruka buy you ramen before talking to you."

"The Hokage bought you ramen?" Ino asked in disbelief.

"Me and the old man have lunch together most Sundays, unless he can't get away from the office," Naruto replied.

"Why would he spend time with you?"

"Him and Iruka are the closest thing to family I got," Naruto replied. "Now weren't you going to ask about Sasuke?"

Teuchi came to the front. "Naruto, I see you brought a girlfriend."

"Ain't my girlfriend," Naruto said flatly.

"Fine, your friend," he corrected himself.

"Not that either. She's buying me ramen so she can question me."

"Well you could do a lot worse-" Teuchi began.

Naruto interrupted him. "No, I really couldn't do much worse than date her. She's a Sasuke fangirl who has belittled and insulted me for years, and when she wasn't putting me down she was either assaulting or ignoring me. She's shallow, vain and mean-spirited. If she wasn't paying for ramen I wouldn't bother talking to her."

Ino flinched and shrunk down in her seat as Naruto described her.

"Come on, don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" Shikamaru asked.

"You mean like when she said I was probably an orphan because my parents chose death over raising a loser like me?" Naruto replied recalling a memorable insult he'd heard and been unable to forget.

Ino winced. "You weren't supposed to hear that and I was just trying to top Sakura!"

"You are not welcome here," Teuchi said coldly.

"Let her finish her questions first," Naruto said. "Any other questions about Sasuke?"

Ino straightened up a little as Teuchi returned to the kitchen. "Why doesn't Sasuke want to go out with me?"

"Because you're a shallow simpering fangirl. You claim you love him, but you don't even know him and don't give me any crap about how you do, because you don't. All you know about him is a bunch of surface junk because that's all he ever let any of you see."

"Why do you hate him and call him a bastard?"

"We both grew up orphans, but while he was given everything he wanted and loved by everyone, I was kicked out of the orphanage at five and hated. No I'm not hated because I pull pranks, I pull pranks because I'm hated and no you can't ask why," Naruto said before she could say anything. "You all go on about how Sasuke has such a hard life, but you don't know the first thing about it. He was given everything I was denied and he spits on it, choosing to be alone, that's why I call him a bastard."

"Wow you're a chatty bastard," a second Naruto said as he came in. "I guess I shouldn't have made you while I was pissed."

"I'm not turning emo am I?" the clone at the counter asked in shock.

"A bit, I mean you just ate two bowls of ramen and you're in a bad mood. Go track down Konohamaru and teach him things his elite tutor would disapprove of," Naruto said. "If that doesn't cheer you up…"

"Write messages on my butt that are offensive to the Hyuuga and walk past the compound pointing out to anyone that gets pissed that they had to be peeking at my ass through my clothes to have read them?"

"Brilliant idea Naruto, see to it," Naruto ordered.

"Aye, aye sir," the clone replied saluting and vanishing out the door.

Naruto slid into the empty stool and waved down Ayame, "Two bowls of beef please."

"How are there two of you?" she asked.

"Cool jutsu," Naruto replied.

"Your jounin taught you, Konoha's foremost prankster, a jutsu that allows you to be in two places at once?" Ayame asked doubtfully.

"Nah, I learned this during a classified mission, my sensei hasn't bothered to teach me anything. All he does is show up hours late and read porn while we complete missions or spar."

"Surely he's not that bad!"Ayame said.

"He is, and don't call me Shirley," Naruto teased, getting a laugh out of her.

"Naruto there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you," Kakashi said as he entered the stand with the other two genin of team seven.

"I finished my meeting with the old man," Naruto replied. "And he dismissed me to have some ramen and relax."

"Stop making up stories and wasting Sasuke's time!" Sakura yelled, already angry from his attitude earlier.

Naruto pulled a piece of parchment from his pouch. "Signed order from the Hokage."

Sakura grabbed it and tore it up. "We don't have time for your pranks!"

An ANBU wearing a cat mask appeared in a swirl of leaves.

"Did you know it's an automatic sentence of two weeks for destroying or attempting to destroy any set of orders stamped with the Hokage's personal seal?" Naruto asked conversationally.

"Kakashi, the Hokage would like to have a word with you," Neko said before vanishing with Sakura.

"I'll be right back," Kakashi promised before vanishing as well.

Ayame sighed and got out a broom. "Can't you guys appear and vanish without scattering leaves everywhere?"

"I've seen a few kunoichi use sakura petals," Naruto offered.

"Does this mean I'm free?" Sasuke asked hopefully.

"Yes, shoo," Naruto replied, feeling rather smug with the number of henged clones he had spying on teams that were actually training.

**Typing by: The Last boyscout errr The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Clichés can be fun!**


	34. Chapter 34

**Naruto's great escape**

**AN: Rorschach wrote a Naruto version of my HP based fic 'The Ultimate Escape Artist'. I was going to add this to it, but didn't get it written up in time.**

"Someone has kidnapped my daughter!" Hiashi said angrily bursting into the Hokage's office.

The Hokage signaled his hidden ANBU guard and two of them vanished. "Take me there," he ordered.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto checked his two patsys erm… teammates to make sure he hadn't used too much of the potent sleep agent on the senbon he'd tagged them with. Fortunately they were both breathing easily and just had a small green dot to show where they were hit.

Switching clothes with Sasuke he slapped an illusion over a forced henge so Sasuke looked like Sasuke dressed as Naruto until someone dispelled the illusion whereupon he'd look like Naruto dressed like Naruto until they thought to dispel the forced henge making him look like he had at the start.

A quick henge making him look like a random kid and Naruto was off to one of the parks near the outer wall where he'd discovered a hidden tunnel during one of this weekly exit checks last week.

It was the work of seconds to disarm the traps protecting the tunnel and rearm them behind him, but a sudden noise made him freeze.

"Stop struggling you little bitch!" a voice growled.

"Just knock her out already," another voice replied. "Once we remove her eyes she'll be docile enough to breed regardless of how you treat her now."

"I paralyzed her," the first voice said calming down. "That'll keep her quiet until we get the hell out of here and leave here aware of what's going on."

"You're a cruel bastard."

"It's why I'm so good at my job."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What did you find?" the Hokage demanded as med-nin looked over the two unconscious branch members.

"Someone activated their Caged Bird seals to knock them out," the med-nin reported.

"Betrayal!" Hiashi growled.

"Possibly but not necessarily," the Hokage replied as his eyes scanned the park for clues.

"What do you mean?" Hiashi asked.

"There are only so many handseals that an hour or two of trial and error would easily allow someone to discover the key."

"But you couldn't be sure which one knocked them out and which one killed them," Hiashi argued.

"Since the point of what they were doing was just to get them out of the way it hardly matters," the Hokage said before spotting a cat staring at him.

"Is that Tora?" Hiashi asked, buried memories of chasing that demon as a genin flashing through his mind.

"Not quite," the Hokage replied as the cat pawed at the ground once it had his attention.

"Danger trap?" Hiashi read before the cat poofed away.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto hurried off carrying the girl who couldn't have been more than eight, as fast as he could go. He probably should have returned her, but he just couldn't bring himself to willingly return to the village.

He decided to compromise and not muddy his trail so much as he headed for the circus.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"We have them trapped Hokage-sama," the cow masked ANBU reported.

"Where?" Hiashi demanded.

"A dead end canyon about five miles from here," the ANBU responded after the Hokage nodded.

"Take us there!" Hiashi ordered, wishing he could bring some of his clan guards and mentally cursing the fact that they were all sealed.

**A couple of minutes later…**

"Ex rain nin?" Hiashi asked seeing the slashed protectors the two criminals wore.

"Unlikely," one of the ANBU reported. "Their tactics and jutsu are Cloud, they are simply giving Cloud plausible deniability.

"Release the girl," the Hokage demanded, stepping forward.

"We'll kill her!" one of the nin warned, putting a little more pressure on the blade at her throat, perhaps thinking that a couple of drops of blood would prove their intentions. The girl vanished in a poof of smoke as soon as the kunai cut her skin. The two froze in shock for a moment allowing the Hokage more than enough time to knock them out.

"What happened? Where is my daughter?!" Hiashi demanded confused.

"Already rescued and replaced with a shadow clone," the Hokage said with a chuckle. "And that along with the earlier warning about traps means that only one person could have been responsible."

"Naruto," the ANBU chorused.

"What?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, who is well known for his escapes and inventive use of shadow clones, rescued your daughter while on his way out of the village," the Hokage said with a sigh.

"What would he want with my daughter?!"

"Nothing, but he can't abandon a young girl on her own either, so he'll take her along with him."

"Where would he go?"

"The circus or a carnival most likely," Sarutobi said unconcerned.

"I…see," Hiashi said clearly now more confused than ever.

"Uzumaki hunt?" Squirrel asked eagerly.

"Uzumaki hunt," the Hokage agreed.

"I got a thousand that says over a month," Squirrel said eagerly.

"I'll take that bet," Mouse said. "He's got a tag-along, that should not only slow him down, but should also make him easy to find."

Hiashi looked around feeling more and more out of his depth as bets were exchanged with even the Hokage taking part.

"Bets are finalized, no more betting!" the Hokage announced, writing down all the bets and pocketing a notebook.

"Don't forget you guys are going to be working with a handicap," Squirrel teased. "Cause I'll be with Ibiki working on these two."

The curses from the rest of the ANBU were loud and varied before they vanished in all directions leaving Squirrel to carry off the two prisoners.

"They tracked and located two experienced nin in less time than I thought possible, why then would it take over a month to find my daughter and Uzumaki?" Hiashi asked.

"They are so adept at tracking because they get a lot of practice tracking down Naruto, but his ability to shake them grows at an even greater rate, it's only the fact that he will always join a circus or carnival that guarantees they'll always find him."

"Then why the bet of longer than a month? Surely you can have the circuses notify you when he joins."

"Not likely," the Hokage snorted. "They consider him one of them. If we requested the information it would just give him another tool to spread disinformation with."

"And he was dead last in the academy?" Hiashi asked, knowing Naruto had been placed on a team with the last Uchiha who had been Rookie of the Year."

"He considers tests…"

"A tool to spread disinformation?" Hiashi asked.

"Yes, but to be fair he'd probably fail any tests on history and things of that nature, as he could care less about anything taught that isn't practical, like classes that cover our history and traditions."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

As soon as she awoke Hanabi pawed at her face to make sure her eyes were still in her head.

"I got you away from there, relax," Naruto said offering her a bowl of stew.

Hanabi looked around and saw she was on a bedroll next to a campfire with a blond boy. She accepted the bowl, her stomach growling at the smell. "Thank you."

"It's no problem, kiddo," Naruto said.

"I am Hyuuga Hanabi," she said firmly. "Not kiddo. Hyuuga-sama isn't out of line, though Hyuuga-san will suffice."

Naruto grinned. "We're out of the village, you don't have to do none of that noble stuff. Plus, we need to change your looks and manner before we join a caravan so we can lose the ninja still tracking us."

"We're still being followed?!" she asked worriedly.

"In a month, two at the latest Leaf ANBU will find us and take us back," Naruto said thoughtfully. "In the meantime, we need disguises so we don't get snatched early."

Hanabi listened as she ate the stew, figuring that Naruto was a Leaf nin sent to rescue, protect and hide her, until ANBU could escort them home. She wasn't sure why they had to hide out, but obviously it was for political reasons, so for the good of the clan she dare not fail!

"It'll be hard to hide your eyes, so I figure we'd snag you a cane and pretend you're blind. If we do that and dye your hair red, no one will believe you're the missing Hanabi Hyuuga."

"I-I don't know how to pretend to be blind," Hanabi admitted.

"It's easy," Naruto promised her. "Give me a week and I will teach you how to trick the rubes and take their cash like candy from a baby."

"Really?" Hanabi asked curiously, amazed at how talented a trainer Naruto must be to trust his ability to teach her to be a spy that quickly, misunderstanding what he was saying.

**A week later…**

"Ranko!" the red haired boy called out, worry in his voice as he peered around the crowd.

"Big brother!" a blind little girl with identical red hair answered back, tapping her cane on the ground as she bumped into people hurrying to find her brother.

He swept her up in a hug, noting she'd gained about ten pounds in purses and jewelry in her rush through the crowd. "Don't wander off like that, you worry your big brother so!" he scolded as they vanished around a corner.

"Did we get enough now?" she asked.

"That's up to you," he replied. "I'd say we have more than enough, but it's your call."

"Maybe one more run through," she said grinning evilly.

"Don't get greedy now," he cautioned her, amused.

"OK, but it's hard," she said with a sigh. "They're just so easy!"

He laughed. Hanabi had taken to life on the road faster than even he had.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	35. Chapter 35

**Master and Commander, Not Really**

Harry yawned, sat up in bed, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

He watched as a large green octopus grabbed various black robed figures and flung them around the enormous ballroom lit by three rather large chandeliers. Harry was almost certain he was dreaming as an orange-skinned woman flew past shooting green bolts from her hands and eyes, but the shock of cold black marble of his warm feet dispersed that notion. A man in a red robe then threw balls of crimson energy at a pale-skinned girl with very nice legs, who blocked them with her shadow, that she was manipulating somehow.

Harry sat back down on his bed and pulled his wand out from under his pillow. Ignoring the battle raging around him he cast a warming charm on the floor and stood back up. He sighed in relief as the floor warmed his feet before going to the foot of his bed and opening his trunk to grab toiletries and clean clothes. "Point me bathroom," he commanded and a glowing white arrow appeared in the air in front of him.

"Death, I have made the proper sacrifices and performed the proper rituals!" the red robed figure intoned loudly over the noise of the battle. "I command you, stop them!"

Harry brought out his wand and cast a room wide impediment curse slowing everyone's movements to a crawl. "I'm going to shower and change," Harry called out. "I'll deal with you all when I get back."

To everyone's shock he calmly walked out of the room.

"Raven, can you break the spell?" Robin called out, his staff barely moving towards the jaw of his opponent.

Raven was slowly drifting towards the ground. "I'm not sure, it's strong, but I think it'll wear off in a little while."

"I see that I have to be more exact in my instructions," the red robed man said, as physically immobilized as the heroes attacking him.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go," Beastboy replied, having shifted back to human form and lying in mid-air like he was on the sofa, slowly inching through the air.

"You are claiming death had to 'go to the can'?" Starfire asked, hands outstretched to blast a group of black robed men.

"That's ridiculous," one of the black robed men said lying flat on his back on the floor, Cyborg standing over him.

"I don't know," Cyborg said his left arm slowly morphing into a canon. "He could just enjoy the feeling of pretending to be alive and has the power to indulge himself."

A chorus of agreement came from almost everyone present before everyone fell silent.

"Anyone wanna play 'I Spy'?" Beastboy asked.

"No!" came the near universal chorus.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry finished his shower and got dressed in clean robes feeling much more awake. He made a slight detour past the kitchen on his way back to the ballroom. As he entered he saw a man in a gold helm that covered the wearer's face slowly unraveling his spell. "Would you like me to end it?" he asked politely between bites of his BLT.

"I've got it," Dr. Fate said, as the spell dissolved into nothing and everyone on the floor climbed back to their feet, though none of them appeared ready to restart the hostilities yet.

"Milord, Death," the red robed man said smugly.

"He's not Death," Dr. Fate interrupted.

"But the ritual!" The man protested.

"Your translation was inaccurate," Dr. Fate explained. "Instead of 'Death, who I shall be the master of' you summoned 'the master of Death'."

Everyone turned to Harry, who was examining what looked like a small pile of rags and blood at the edge of the summoning circle. "You better have a good explanation for this," he growled out, as the air in the room took on a greasy feel like the air just after a lightning strike.

"I do, I do!" the red robed man squealed.

"I'm listening," Harry said coldly.

"All the sacrifices are just as required, children for whom death is a blessing and would be welcomed with open arms."

"That's horrible," Starfire whispered.

"I agree," the man said. "What they were going through was horrible and if anyone involved had, had any common decency they would have given them an overdose of painkillers and let them go, not kept them alive and in pain!"

Harry rolled a gold coin across his knuckles and a white ghostly shape formed above the tiny wasted corpse. "Hi," the ghost of a little girl said softly. "I don't hurt anymore!" she cheered and spun in place. "I can walk and it doesn't hurt! Do I get to see, grampy now?"

"Yes little one, you're free to see, grampy now," Harry said and the spirit faded away.

The entire room had fallen silent in shock and horror.

Harry turned to the man and nodded. "That's one good deed, let's check the others."

"Killing the child was a good deed?" Robin demanded.

"Be very careful what you say," Harry said coldly, "Because I can arrange for you to never be granted the mercy of death!"

Dr. Fate put a hand on Robin's shoulder and he swallowed what he'd been about to say.

The second body was a third of the way around the circle and half again as large as the last one and though still heartrendingly small.

Harry flipped the coin in the air and a young girl just about Hogwarts age formed out of white vapor. "Hi!"

"Hello," Harry said kindly. "How have you been?"

"Not so good," the girl admitted sadly. "It's been getting harder and harder and Mommy's been crying a lot. It feels like it's time for something, but they keep me in a bed and won't let me go."

"You can go now," Harry promised.

"Really?!"

"Really."

Ghostly lips met his for a moment before vanishing with a giggle.

"Most people get noisy ghosts, I get hormonal ones," he said with a sigh. "Two good deeds."

"They might have cured her," Robin argued.

"And monkeys might fly out of my butt," Harry replied with a shrug. "I don't expect perfection from people. That little girl was fading and her parents had just discovered her baby brother had the same thing, but it was caught early enough to be dealt with in his case. Unfortunately they were having a hard time coming up with the money to keep her alive and treat her little brother, and she knew it."

"How do you know all this?" Robin demanded.

"Because I do," Harry said. "I know quite a lot about death and things closely connected to it."

"You are the master of Death," Dr. Fate said with a slight nod.

"That's my title," Harry agreed, "but it's kinda like calling a janitor a sanitation engineer. When it comes right down to it I'm more the servant of death than her master."

"Her?" Beastboy asked.

"Yes her," Harry agreed as he came to the final body a girl in her teens who was heavily scarred and missing a leg from the knee down and both arms.

"I guessed with her," the red robed man admitted. "Car accident, combined with half a dozen serious problems. Her spinal cord was partially severed paralyzing her but leaving her able to feel pain. I can't think of anything worse than lying in pain unable to move while waiting to die."

Harry flipped the gold coin a few times while white vapor seeped from the corpse until it formed a truly pissed young woman. "You bastard!"

"What!" the man asked in shock as the ghost shot towards Raven only to be blocked by her shadow. Stymied it grabbed the nearest body which just happened to be Beastboy.

"Two out of three isn't bad," Harry said thoughtfully, as Beastboy's form shifted into a red haired girl in her late teens.

"Murderer!" she cried out, turning into a black wolf and stalking forward.

Raven quickly trapped her in chains of black energy that kept her from attacking the red robed man.

Changing back into a red haired young woman she called out, "Let me go! He deserves to die!"

"B-but you were going to die anyway!" the red robed man exclaimed. "All I did was end your pain!"

"Yes, but it was my pain!" she yelled. "It let me know I was still alive and that I had something to fight for!"

"But it was hopeless!"

"I don't care!"

"A little help here," Raven suggested.

Harry flipped the coin high in the air, its every turn reeling the ghost back towards him and out of Beastboy's body.

"I cry vengeance!" she pleaded with Harry.

"How about I just restore you to life?" Harry asked.

"You can do that?!" half a dozen people demanded.

"I'm a chick!" Beastboy exclaimed in shock noticing he was still a well built redhead.

"Have you tried to change back?" Raven asked concerned.

Beastboy shifted back to his usual green-skinned self and stuck his hand down his pants, sighing in relief at what he found.

"There are many states of dead and you are one I can fix," Harry promised.

"Only mostly dead," she asked raising a ghostly eyebrow as she quoted Billy Crystal.

"No you're fully dead," Harry said missing the connection. "But there's a difference between dead and gone, and here and dead."

"Necromancy-" Dr. Fate began.

"Is solely the province of death," Harry interrupted him, "or her staff. A being of order such as yourself can hardly argue with that."

"True," Dr. Fate acknowledged.

Harry levitated her corpse, banishing the bloody rags covering it and revealing it in all its damaged glory.

"The world really did a number on me," she said.

"You're proud of that fact," Raven said in surprise.

"I withstood all life did to me."

"Until you died," Raven pointed out.

"No one gets out of this plane of existence alive," the red haired ghost replied, "Life kills everyone in the end, hell it can kill me, but it can't break me!"

"Amen," Cyborg said with a wide smile, reminding everyone of what he'd been through to become the man he was today. "I'll make you replacements for the missing bits."

"Got it covered," Harry said summoning a goblet from his trunk. "Beastboy, can I borrow a glass?"

"Of what?" Beastboy said suspiciously.

"Guess," Harry replied.

"I don't think I could fill that cup in less than a month," Beastboy said, clearly misreading Harry's request.

Raven groaned. "Never tell him to guess again."

"Blood," Harry said flatly.

"Oh, thank god," the ghost muttered.

"The whole thing?!" he whined.

"Just a quarter or so," Harry promised.

"I suppose," he agreed grudgingly.

"Good," Harry said. "Melvin, get over here."

The red robed mage approached looking at the ghost nervously.

"I'm going to need a sacrifice on your part," Harry said.

"I… I deserve it," the man admitted his shoulders slumping.

Harry started chanting and wisps of blood flowed from the two dead little girls into the teen's floating corpse.

"That's evil!" Raven exclaimed.

"Only because it requires freshly dead children," Harry argued as the redhead's body quickly filled in, scars fading, limbs restored, skin blemish free.

"I never looked that good when I was alive," the ghost said in wonder.

"Your breasts were bigger when you were me," Beastboy said.

"It was an idealized version of herself," Raven explained.

"Hold the cup," Harry said, handing it to Beastboy before turning back to the ghost. "We'll start you off as lesser undead and work our way up. Possess your corpse and think zombie."

"This is wrong on so many levels," Raven said.

"Normally this is all handled at the way station between life and death," Harry admitted, "but since I'm here we might as well handle it here."

"C-cold," the corpse complained the temperature in the area dropping as frost formed in her hair.

"The cup," Harry requested.

Beastboy looked in it in shock as Harry took it. "How'd you fill it without me noticing?"

"Magic," Harry replied as he helped the zombie drink the goblet of blood. "Vampire," he intoned as color returned to her cheeks and her body gained curves that caused Beastboy to drool until Raven smacked him in the back of the head.

"Give her your wrist, Melvin," Harry ordered.

Melvin rolled up his sleeve and offered his right arm, which she promptly sank her teeth into.

"Magic in the blood, Melvin," Harry ordered.

An aura of energy quickly sprung up around him and visibly was drawn into the neo-vamp. When the aura of red was completely gone from Melvin, Harry nodded. "Enough, Alice. Dhampire**,****"** he intoned.

Alice kept sucking in a world of her own, until Harry conjured a two by four and broke it over her head.

"Ow!" she screeched, holding her head.

"How do you feel?" Harry asked.

"Like someone just broke a 2x4 over my head!" she complained.

"Other than that," Harry said rolling his eyes.

"I feel… alive! I'm alive!" she cheered.

"So am I," Melvin said dizzily. "How'd that happen?"

"I told you two out of three wasn't bad," Harry said, "Now why were you summoning Death?"

"Probably money or power," Robin said, "that's the usual reason for most criminals."

"I'd fall under power," Melvin admitted. "I want the power to prevent the children under my care from dying when they don't need to. Do you know what it's like to operate on a five year old boy for over twenty hours only to watch him die for no reason you can name?"

"And you guys?" Harry asked rather than let the awkward silence stretch on.

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other," one of the black robed thugs admitted. "He's paying us, but we're working cheap because we thought he could do it."

"I… I do not feel good about bagging this bad guy," Starfire admitted.

"I hate morally ambiguous cases like this," Robin admitted. "But doing evil to do good, is still evil."

"Actually he was attempting to do good that appeared evil to do good," Harry pointed out cheerfully.

"Regardless we have the bodies of two little girls and someone has to take the fall for that," Robin said.

"What bodies?" Harry asked.

Everyone looked around but the bodies were gone.

"Alice was injured enough that it took everything to heal her," Harry admitted, "so no bodies."

"Just families heartbroken their children have died," Beastboy said.

"In this case they'll be relieved," Raven corrected him. "They'll feel horrible for feeling relieved, but it allows them to move on and in one case save her little brother."

"We can testify about what we've seen," Dr. Fate pointed out.

"But is that in the interest of justice?" Harry asked. "Melvin meant well, was right in two out of three cases and we've fixed the third."

"Did more than just fix me," Alice said before noticing something. "Hey, I can fly!"

"Speaking of consequences," Harry said. "Melvin, I'm going to grant your wish."

"Really?" He asked, looking a bit pale from blood loss.

"Yeah," Harry agreed, "but it's as much curse as blessing. You aren't the first that's requested something like this."

"So we won," one of the black robed minions asked.

"Yes," Harry replied. "You helped to free two souls in pain, heal another, and get Melvin the power he needed to help save the lives of the children in his care."

"None of this sits right with me," Robin said.

"Nor should it," Dr. Fate said. "Mortals are not supposed to witness much of what you've seen this day."

The thugs shed their robes and left them a pile, each shaking Melvin's hand before leaving.

"I guess we go home now?" Beastboy said questioningly.

"I'll give you something to ease your minds first," Dr. Fate said, opening an ankh shaped gate to his home that they all walked through leaving Melvin behind.

The group looked around what appeared to be a large library with torches on the rough stone walls and smooth black marble floors.

"If you'll all wait here, I'll be right back," Dr. Fate said.

"The minions are already forgetting what they witnessed," Harry explained. "The average human mind tends to glass over these types of events and frankly none of them were Einstein."

"What about Melvin?" the floating redhead asked.

"Nightmares and a fear of the dark," Harry said. "It's part of the price he paid, not that it matters."

"What do you mean by that?" Robin asked intently.

"I mean he'll likely be dead in a couple of months."

"What?!" the Titans chorused in concern.

"Listen," Harry explained, "the power to hold death back is no light matter. He asked out of concern for the children under his care, which means he will likely overuse the ability despite what it costs him."

"I… Shit! Now I feel bad for him and he killed me," the red haired girl said with a sigh.

"Don't feel sorry for him," Harry said. "He knew exactly what he was getting into and when he dies I'll see about getting him a job watching over children."

"Servant of Death?" Raven asked eying Harry.

"More like chief of staff," Harry admitted. "I wear quite a few hats."

"Why are you still here?" Raven asked. "I'd think you'd have more important things to do."

"I have to help Alice get used to her new form and abilities," Harry replied. "It'd be rude to make her a Dhampir with no one around to teach her."

"What is a Dhampir?" Alice asked enjoying floating in the air.

"A half vampire," Raven said.

"Not quite but close," Harry said seeing the concerned looks. "You're a living vampire."

"What's the difference?" she asked.

"Well for one thing you don't have to drink blood it's just an option."

"Garlic?"

"Horrible gas."

"Stake in the heart?"

"Would kill everyone here," Harry replied.

"Decapitation?"

"Likewise."

"Fire?" she asked.

"No more than anyone else."

"Holy water and crosses?"

"Mild allergy if used by a true believer and symbols of death or eternity such as an ankh like Dr. Fate uses actually comforts and helps you heal."

"Thresholds?" Beastboy jumped in.

"Can feel them and tell something about the house's inhabitants but won't prevent entry. However you'll never sleep easy in a place you're not invited in."

"Counting things!" Cyborg jumped in.

"What?" Alice asked.

"Humans don't always adapt well to immortality," Harry explained, "OCD is pretty common in older vampires. People could escape some vamps by throwing things like a bag of beans on the ground because they'd be compelled to stop and count them."

"I'm not going to do that, am I?" she asked worriedly.

"Only if you decide to stick around a couple hundred years," Harry assured her. "As a living vamp you can control your age so you can grow old and die or stay young for centuries."

"Can she be photographed and does she cast a reflection?" Beastboy asked.

"Shouldn't she be asking the questions?" Raven asked.

"Sounds like they know what to ask better than I do," Alice replied.

"Reflections are tricky things," Harry said shaking his head. "I asked mine to stop moving things left and right and he had a hissy fit and mooned me. After a week of that I ate a carrot in front of the mirror and he's been hiding ever since."

Everyone just stared at him.

"OK, bad example," Harry admitted. "Your reflection and image will have a lot more animation than normal people, but I'll explain that while training you."

"Cross running water?" Beastboy offered.

"Water's no problem, but no walking on it, as it offends a lot of people."

"How about all the cool vampire powers?" Cyborg asked.

"Like what?" Alice asked curiously.

"Flight for one," Beastboy pointed out.

"That's a check," Harry agreed.

"Superhuman strength, speed, and toughness?" Robin asked.

"Varies, but yes," Harry agreed. "Anyway I'll be training her, not providing the paranoid a list of her powers."

Dr. Fate chose that minute to return bearing a tray covered in what appeared to be mugs of coco.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	36. Chapter 36

**Eye Yi Yi!**

"Choose one and she'll be your new wife," Soun offered, as Ranma blinked and realized where and when we was.

Cue girls pawning off engagement and Akane bitching.

"The wife of a martial artist has to understand and follow the dictates of honor," Ranma said, pausing to take a sip of tea. "The eldest unmarried daughter has the duty of taking up the engagement, but as you can see, Kasumi Tendo apparently does not hold family honor in high regard, nor does Nabiki Tendo."

As expected everyone at the table drew in a deep breath to yell, but with a simple ki enhanced word he froze them in place. "Silence."

After taking another sip he sighed. "This is very good tea, my complements. Now to finish what I was saying, Akane Tendo has shown the same disdain for family honor as her elder sisters, at any rate this agreement was to join the schools and not only have you failed to raise a proper wife to offer for the arrangement you lack a proper heir to the style as well."

Soun and Genma paled as they realized what this meant and where Ranma was going with it.

"You have failed to hold up your part of the arrangement, I'm afraid I have no choice but to declare it null and void, however I will agree to let the next generation meet and decide for themselves whether to take up the engagement, provided there is a proper Tendo heir at that time."

Soun paled like he'd been shot, all the life seeping from his eyes, while Genma found he was frozen in place, as Ranma had tapped several paralyzation points on him.

Ranma rose to his feet. "Thank you for the hospitality, but I really have to be going. Goodbye."

His time with the Tendo's the first time around had subjected him to far too much idiocy and abuse for him to willingly do it again. Besides a good hard look at what they were would probably benefit them. Kasumi was a good natured doormat out of touch with reality. Nabiki was a callous hustler out for some quick yen and didn't care about collateral damage. Akane… needed a good shrink, because even her issues had issues.

Ranma dodged Akane's attempt to hit him with the table effortlessly. "Attacking a guest from behind without warning," he replied, placing a food on the table to prevent her from trying again.

"You, bastard! How dare you say that about my family!"

"Your actions show the truth of my words," Ranma said calmly, as Akane struggled to lift the table he had his foot on. Reaching down he picked up a chopstick and shaped the end with a thumbnail before he touched it with a glowing finger, setting it on fire.

Everyone stared as he took his finger away and blew on the end, putting it out before he flicked it at Akane, who smirked as it missed only to screech as it bounced off the wall behind her and struck her in the small of the back.

"I consider that suitable punishment for your actions," Ranma said calmly before turning to take his leave again.

Akane struggled but couldn't lift the table and was reduced to cursing whatever he'd used to glue it to the floor as he left.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma left the Tendo's less than an hour after he'd arrived, just like he had two years and a number of months in the future, with everything he owned packed in weapons space and minus his father, but with a lot more optimism and a few items that Happosai had left lying around. If fate wanted to give him a second chance he had no problem taking it and he sure as hell wasn't going to waste it making the same mistakes he had last time!

He was wise enough to know he was going to make all new mistakes this time, which at the very least would be even more entertaining because they were new.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I see you before," Shampoo declared in broken Japanese as she entered his camp.

Ranma looked up from the stew he was making. "Yes, you are chasing the red headed girl, but since she is no longer traveling with the panda you are having a much harder time tracking her," he replied in her native language.

Shampoo looked overjoyed to find someone who spoke her language and quickly pocketed 'The Chinese Guide to Making Out in Japanese'. "Thank the spirits! I swear I must sound like an idiot in Japanese considering the looks I've been getting."

"It makes you sound adorable, but not that bright, which is the purpose of speaking that way, since the book you're using is designed to teach you to pick up guys in Japanese. It'd certainly make people underestimate you, but for serious conversations we'll have to stick to Chinese."

"Thank you," Shampoo beamed at him. "I really do appreciate the courtesy you've shown me. What can you tell me about the red headed girl?"

Before Ranma could answer Shampoo's stomach growled loudly, making her blush.

"How about we have some dinner while we talk?" Ranma suggested, whipping out a couple of bowls and filling them.

"I'd say you read my mind, but my stomach was speaking aloud," Shampoo joked as she accepted the stew.

The first two bowls went quickly and Shampoo found that even as hungry as she was she ate like a dainty little girl compared to a Saotome.

"You are an excellent cook," Shampoo said eying Ranma in a new light.

"I'm also engaged to be wed," Ranma replied.

"Well she is a very lucky girl," she flirted playfully.

"Who thinks I ran out on her years ago, thanks to my idiot father, but I know how to make it up to her. Now let's talk about the red headed girl."

"What do you know?" Shampoo asked hopefully.

"I know you are chasing her to force her to prove she's worthy to join the tribe."

"How did you…I mean what do you mean by that? I'm chasing her down to kill her!" Shampoo claimed.

"And if I said I was on a quest to end her existence?" Ranma asked curiously, only to find himself battling a suddenly attacking Shampoo.

"I won't let you hurt her!" she snarled, bon-bons trying to smash him flat.

Ranma held her off with a little effort, as his body reminded him in dozens of ways that while he may have come back in time, his body had not and he had a ways to go to get back into what he considered top shape.

"I was just proving a point," Ranma said calmly to the panting Shampoo, who was shocked at a boy being able to keep up with her and wondered if the stew had been drugged.

"I won't allow anyone to hurt her," Shampoo swore as she caught her breath.

"Why?" Ranma asked, having had this conversation before, but knowing Shampoo needed to come to the realization herself to solve her problems.

"Why?" Shampoo sighed. "Do you know what it's like to be alone in a crowd? To be surrounded by people, but have no one to talk to? There are women twenty years my senior who have seen actual wars and have experienced things I haven't lived long enough to even think about…and I defeated all of them without any real effort."

Shampoo sat back down in the sand next to the fire, her entire posture screaming that she was bone tired and just short of giving in to despair. "I'm skilled beyond my years and have talent that is rarely seen in any generation, but it's separated me from everyone else in the tribe. I've lost any friends I had to either jealousy or admiration and I can't tell which is worse, being hated for something you were born with or being put on a pedestal too high to reach."

"And how does that connect to the red headed girl?" Ranma asked gently, handing Shampoo a mug of coco.

Shampoo sipped her coco and sighed, feeling inexplicably better. "She is as skilled as I am if not more so. If anyone can understand me it'll be her."

Ranma nodded, glad Shampoo had gotten it off her chest and knew what she wanted. "I'll introduce you to her in the morning," Ranma promised. "But first let's get some sleep, my sleeping bag is big enough for both of us if you don't mind close quarters."

"Is this a trick to seduce me?" Shampoo asked before yawning.

"Nope. I make a habit of not seducing emotionally vulnerable girls."

"Aww," Shampoo said disappointed. "That's too bad, cause it's probably the time we'd most appreciate it."

Ranma led Shampoo into the tent. "Sex is much better when you aren't so tired you can't keep your eyes open."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Shampoo woke up alone, but heard the sounds of someone making coffee. Following her nose she found the red haired girl pouring a couple of cups of coffee. Taking the cup she was offered, Shampoo inhaled deeply, the smell doing more to wake her than drinking the coffee probably would.

"Ever heard of Jusenkyo's cursed springs?" the red head asked suddenly, startling Shampoo, who had been trying to think of what to say.

"Everyone in the village knows of the cursed springs and to avoid them at all costs," Shampoo replied, trying to figure out what the springs had to do with anything and overjoyed the girl spoke her language.

"Wandering martial artists who don't speak Chinese don't," she grinned. "And they get cursed."

"You speak Chinese very well," Shampoo pointed out.

"Yeah, now I do," she agreed.

"You got cursed?" Shampoo asked, wide eyed.

"I got cursed," she chuckled. "And not being able to read Chinese I followed my cursed father in eating from a table we thought was for the people watching."

"Your father turns into a panda?!"

"And I turn into a girl," Ranma finished, splashing himself with a cup of water he had ready.

Shampoo's eyes rolled back in her head and she fell over backwards, but strangely enough she didn't spill a drop of coffee.

"Heh, never expected that," Ranma said, before starting breakfast.

The smell of frying bacon and eggs brought Shampoo around. She sat up, pretending she hadn't fainted and sipped her coffee.

"Switching sex, in stories is usually portrayed as a wonderful opportunity to learn about the opposite sex, but I'm betting in practice it's a pain in the ass," Shampoo said after a minute's thought.

Ranma laughed. "Yeah, that about covers it. I don't think there is anything more that I'd care to learn about being female, so I'm going to get cured and save the island kingdom of Togenkyo in the process."

"I think learning to control it would be more beneficial," Shampoo suggested tactfully, knowing no one had ever managed to get cured in Amazon lore.

"That is even more difficult to do than curing it," Ranma said with a sigh. "It requires an amount of control even Cologne would say was crazy or…"

"What are you thinking?" Shampoo asked curiously at the look on his face.

"Well, I know a place where worlds touch and I've stepped across and spent a couple of hours looking around. They aren't all that modern, but magic is common enough that I saw quite a bit of it in the short time I was there."

"You're kidding?!"

"Nope. I know of several places in Japan alone. Any place that has had entire villages vanish usually has one nearby. It's part of the whole 'grass is greener' mindset most humans carry."

"How do you mean?"

"People always figure that new areas provide new opportunities and that it'll be better than what they already have and in the short term they are usually right. It's more dangerous and exciting than settled lands, generally appearing in wild, unpopulated areas meaning lots of untapped resources."

"How is that only short term?"

"In the long run, most cultures simply turn it into a copy of where they came from, so long term is about the same as what they left behind."

"How do you know so much about it?"

Ranma grinned. "I made a study of them. After you've gone through three or four you become attuned to how they feel and find them easily."

"You talk casually about things I only know of from legends," Shampoo sighed.

Ranma grinned. "I spent a decade wandering the globe and investigating those legends."

"You don't look that old," Shampoo frowned.

"I'm not. Stick with me for a year and I'll tell you my secret," he promised.

"Gladly," Shampoo agreed. "We'll have to see that world where magic is so common first, because as long as I send a couple of magical trinkets back, the village will be satisfied that I'm doing something valuable enough not to jog my elbow."

"Well let's start off by sending them these," Ranma said pulling a bracelet and mirror out of his sleeve.

"What are they?'

"Two Amazon treasures stolen by Happosai, part of his revenge for Cologne rejecting him as a suitor because he was unable to stop being a big perv."

Shampoo's eyes lit up. "That'll leave me free to travel for years before they even ask me to visit!"

"Yep," Ranma agreed readily. "So we mail these off, track down my future bride and go search out the mysteries of the universe. Yeah, that should keep us busy for a couple of weeks."

Shampoo snickered.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch! **


	37. Chapter 37

**Tipping the Scales**

Harry woke up with a clear head for the first time in a month. He reached over and picked his glasses up off the night stand and put them on.

***POP***

"Harry Potter is being well again!" Winky exclaimed happily.

"I think so," Harry agreed. "What happened?"

"Everyone is getting sick and dying," Winky said sadly. "Harry Potter is only one that is getting better. All rest fall asleep and ..." her voice trailed off.

"I'm the last light wizard, huh? I guess Voldemort has won, damn his eyes," Harry growled.

"Winky is not being clear," Winky said, wringing her hands. "Harry Potter is only one left."

"All the wizards are dead except for me?!" Harry exclaimed in shock.

Winky nodded. "Sir is being last wizard."

"Damn!"

"Elves want to know what they shoulds be doing," Winky said.

"Bury the dead, clean and repair everything," Harry said absently, trying to come to terms with being the last wizard in England.

"We is doing that right away!"

***POP***

Harry remembered opening the snitch and getting the stone. He'd been pretty feverish at the time, but then everyone had been sick to one degree or another, so he'd forced himself onward only to find Voldemort in much the same condition and his Death Eaters even worse.

Harry did his duty, offering himself up as a human sacrifice and hoping Dumbledore knew what the hell he was doing when he made up this stupid plan. Voldemort was apparently seeing triple at that point because he'd cast the killing curse on damn near every tree behind Harry without even getting close to him. In the end, Harry had to help Voldemort hold the wand to his head after he'd accidentally hit his familiar Nagini. Voldemort dropped in unison with Harry as the sickness proved to be too much for him too, and now Harry had woken up to find he was the last wizard in Britain.

Harry went back to sleep. He was too tired and weak to deal with this. Hopefully the French ministry would send someone competent to investigate and he could drop it on their shoulders.

It was another week before Harry had recovered enough to get out of bed and still no French wizards showed up.

"Winky," Harry called out as he left the hospital wing and headed for the Headmaster's office.

***POP***

"Can Winky be doing something for Master Harry?" Winky asked hopefully.

"Yes. Do you know why no one from the French ministry has shown up? Are we under quarantine?"

"Winky told Master Harry. He is last wizard."

Harry stopped dead in his tracks. "I'm the last wizard... in the world?"

Winky nodded.

Harry turned around and went back to bed. It was only three days, however, before boredom and his rapidly improving physical health forced him out of bed again. This time he made it to the Headmaster's office and was surprised to find that the gargoyle had jumped aside for him and the portraits had greeted him as Headmaster Potter.

"I don't suppose any veela or human-anything crossbreeds survived?" Harry asked, hoping their non-human heritage had protected the Delacour sisters.

"I'm afraid the sickness killed everyone that had even one human grandparent," Dumbledore's portrait explained.

"This wasn't part of your plan, was it?" Harry asked just to be sure.

"Good Heavens, no!" the painting replied in shock. "You were to die, come back to life, defeat Voldemort, and then live happily ever after with Ginny."

"You planned out all that?!" Harry asked, shocked.

"Of course I did," Dumbledore replied. "What kind of story would it be if I didn't make sure you got a happy ending?"

"How did you even know I'd like Ginny?"

"Wasserman effect," Dumbledore replied. "Muggles are generally better at psychology than we are, so I trust the team of psychologists I hired who helped me plan all this out, from the fake prophecy to Voldemort's death."

"Fake prophecy?" Harry asked, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Yes, I had them design a fake prophecy that would drive Voldemort even more paranoid and make him waste a lot of effort on finding a non-existent hero."

"It sent him after my parents!" Harry exclaimed, staring at Dumbledore in shock.

The portrait shrugged, unconcerned. "I cast a spell on your mother that would slow down fetal development so you wouldn't be born at that time so he wouldn't target you."

"But I was!" he complained.

"And I set up a fidelious so he couldn't find the Potters, letting them select their own secret keeper so they wouldn't have to worry about being betrayed."

"But they were!"

"Yes," Albus said agreeably. "In the end, my made up prophecy turned out to be true, no matter what I did. So I did my best to make sure you had a childhood that sucked eggs and enough major problems in school that you couldn't help but succeed where it counted."

Harry stared at Dumbledore's portrait in shock. "Can you explain that one to me again?"

The portrait sighed. "I stacked the deck in your favor by manipulating karma directly."

"You can do that?"

"You've held liquid luck in your hands and you passed your care of magical creatures with a decent score, so you know how Mackled Malaclaw venom adversely affect's it, so what's surprising about this?"

Harry sighed. "I still find those two things hard to believe."

"They are still none-the-less true."

"How am I going to have a happy life with everyone I care about dead?" Harry demanded.

"No idea," the portrait said cheerfully. "Magic will find a way and it should be fun to watch."

"I'm going back to bed," Harry decided.

Dumbledore's portrait rolled its eyes. "Throw himself on a broom and fly at hundreds of miles per hour dozens of feet in the air, sure. Trust spells manipulating unseen forces and he gets pissy."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Harry Potter sirs?" Dobby asked.

"Yes, Dobby?" Harry replied.

"Sinny-Tors are wanting permission to move out of forbidden forest and into open fields," the house elf explained.

"Oh," Harry said as he realized that as the sole remaining wizard, he pretty much owned the magic world. "Open fields are fine, just no destroying the homes of the dead. I"d like them preserved."

"And roads and fences in way?" Dobby asked.

Harry shrugged. "Do what you like with them. I'd rather use a broom than walk when I have to go somewhere."

Dobby nodded and popped out.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Wizards cannot be trusted," Bane called out to the surrounding herd. "We must rise up and fight for what's ours!"

***POP***

"Harry Potter is saying take fields as want, but leave dead peoples' houses alone," Dobby announced.

"What about the fences?" one of the centaurs asked.

"Dobby is being given permission to take care of fences and roads, so call Dobby if need a fence or road gone."

***POP***

Bane frowned as they had just been given everything they'd ever wanted and he no longer had anything to complain about.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

***POP***

"Harry Potter Sirs?"

"Yes, Dobby?"

"Goblins are wanting more room underground and to be putting shops aboveground."

"As long as they respect the houses and property of the dead, that's fine. In fact, if they'd care to help you guys by putting up whatever wards you need to help preserve things, they can use any houses and stores that were empty when all this happened."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry potter rode his carpet above downtown London, marveling at how clean and neat everything was. The elves had outdone themselves in the last couple of years, fixing and repairing muggle cities and making them gleam as if they were new.

Every continent had a couple of major metropolitan areas that were kept pristine and functioning, while all the smaller towns had been moth balled. Well... not all of them. Harry had allowed some of the still existing races a town or two they had asked for, which were generally small towns in out of the way areas.

Why was it all up to Harry? Simple, the magically enforced treaties between all of the myriad non-human races and wizard kind had defaulted to him and their power had taken a leap upwards by an order of magnitude now that all of wizardkind were in complete agreement.

So Harry found himself the ruler of a world vacant of all humans except himself.

***RING RING***

Harry pulled out the goblin made spell phone. "Harry, here."

"Hello, Mr. Potter. I thought you might like to know we have found something that should spark your interest and help with the panda conservation program," Griphook said.

"Really?" Harry asked. Years without another human around weighing sharply on him, like a goose who'd joined a flock of ducks and driving him to preserve what species he could.

"Come to the ministry of magic and prepare to be amazed!" he promised.

Harry nodded even though Griphook wouldn't be able to see it. "Will do."

A few vehicles were on the road as the elves liked to drive and thought cities weren't complete without public transportation.

Harry matched speeds with a double decker bus before apparating inside and taking a seat near the front. "Ministry of Magic, please."

Dobby nodded, cranking the wheel hard enough to lift the bus onto two wheels before he floored it. "We's be getting there quickly, Harry Potter Sirs!"

Harry laughed and enjoyed the ride. Dobby was always driving a double decker bus below him when he needed to go somewhere and was tired of flying. He wasn't sure how Dobby pulled it off and had eventually just chalked it up to house elf magic.

"We is making a mess in five," Dobby announced as he aimed the bus for a grocery store.

Harry counted down with him, both of them vanishing from the bus at one and landing in the street as the bus rammed the grocery store and exploded in a ball of flames.

"Elves have lots to clean and repair now," Dobby said cheerfully.

"Yes, they do," Harry agreed as they turned and walked away from the flaming wreckage.

A few months into Harry's new life as the last human, Dobby had told Harry the elves wanted him to make bigger messes so they'd all get a chance to clean up after the last master, and Harry had sarcastically suggested driving a double decker bus into a mall.

Dobby had agreed whole heartedly and the two had found it rather cathartic.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: Just an idea for a HP story I hadn't seen before. I was planning on the Goblins discovering that The Veil of Death could be used to bridge the gap into other worlds to allow Harry a chance to bring in other people.**


	38. Chapter 38

**I Hate You Bald!**

"Son, there's something I've been meaning to tell you," Jessica said slowly.

"Yeah?" Xander asked curiously, his mind on other things.

"Tony's not your real father."

Xander froze. "Come again?"

"Your real father is Lionel Luthor. I was a secretary at the time and someone spiked the punch bowl at an office party. Considering he was married, and the scandal it would cause, we decided early retirement was the best idea, so I moved to Sunnydale met Tony and there you have it," she quickly rambled off.

"And you're telling me this now because…"

"You have an older brother and he found out about you and wants to meet you," Jessica explained. "He's sent a limo to take you to the airport and fly you out to his place for the summer."

"I was planning on a road trip," Xander said still in shock.

"Your uncle Rory took a look at your car for me, because I was a bit worried about you driving cross country in it. He said it was fine for driving around town, but any serious distance driving would kill it."

"So where does my brother live?" Xander said with a sigh.

"Smallville, Kansas."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I can't believe you have a brother and your father never told you about him," Clark said shaking his head.

"I've learned not to be surprised by anything he does," Lex said softly.

"So what's his name?" Clark asked trying to change the subject.

"Alexander Harris," Lex said with a chuckle. "And yes I realize how strange it is that we share a first name but not a last. His mother named him after his grandfather on her side, so we can't even blame it on Lionel."

Clark grinned. "Considering you shorted yours to Lex when the rest of the world use Alex or Al at least we won't get you two confused."

"I wonder which one he uses or does he insist on his full name?" Lex said thoughtfully, as if the answer would reveal who his brother was beyond being Lionel's son.

"Well we all can't have uniquely shortened names like yours Lex," Clark teased. "So you'll just have to wait and see."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander settled into his seat and looked around the jet. It looked more like a lounge than anything else he decided, with the deep pile carpet, wet bar, large TV, and lazyboy style seats.

Hitting the massage button Xander completely blessed out, forgetting all about his fear of meeting new relatives, leaving the Hellmouth and his first time flying.

He was still humming Good Vibrations ten minutes later when someone cleared their throat.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie," a young blonde woman introduced herself. "And I'll be your stewardess for this flight, so would you like coffee or tea?"

He absently replied, "Mocha frappaccino, extra whip cream and sprinkles, please."

"Right away, sir," she replied brightly.

Xander faded back into massaging bliss.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Driver, why are we slowing down?" Lex asked, speaking into the intercom since they'd raised the barrier between the limo driver and his passengers for privacy's sake.

"I don't know, sir, but the number of police cars suggest some kind of emergency at the airport," the driver replied. "I'd suggest checking the local news."

"Thank you," Lex replied, letting go out of the button and flipping on the TV embedded in the wet bar in front of him.

"Just bad luck, I'm sure he's fine," Clark quickly assured Lex, figuring correctly that he'd be worried about his brother.

Lex smiled gratefully. "The odds of him being involved personally are slim," Lex admitted. "But I'll feel better when I know what's going on anyway."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The stewardess almost had to pry him out of the vibrating chair to get him off the jet. Thankfully she still had plenty of mocha with whip cream and sprinkles which she managed to lure him off with.

His older brother was supposed to meet him on the tarmac, but with the number of cop cars scattered around, Xander guessed he couldn't get through. Deciding to call and have his brother meet him elsewhere, Xander headed inside, unaware he was inside the perimeter the police had set up.

'Man this place is dead,' Xander thought to himself, as he searched for a phone and found the place empty of people.

Hearing shouting, Xander naturally moved towards it going behind the counter of one of the major airlines and through their back office to the help desk near the gate.

"I want a fully fueled jet and seventy million dollars!" the red haired man shouted, holding up a switch with his thumb hovering right over the button and a yellow wire running into his trenchcoat.

Xander dropped to the floor and let the door close behind him, unseen by anyone as he crawled behind the counter. Xander ran through his list of options and wasn't surprised 'run away' was missing, since he could hear at least two baby's crying from where he was. That left staying, but Xander wasn't sure what he could do, because anything could make the nut push the button.

Push the button… Xander begin to grin. The guy had to push the button to set off the bomb, meaning he had to complete the circuit to activate it so all Xander had to do was cut the wire…

'OK, new plan! Get the guy close to the counter and cut the wire without him noticing.' Xander made sure there was room under the desk for himself before reaching up and lifting the headset just enough to hear the dial tone and dialing a number he'd used for pranks and hanging up.

He grabbed a pair of scissors off the shelf below the counter and squeezed himself under the counter, just as the phone started ringing. Xander waited patiently. He could handle vamps and demons, so if not for the children in danger he'd be completely relaxed.

The red haired man stopped shouting and came behind the counter as Xander hoped he would to answer the phone.

"What? No I didn't call. I don't care that you star sixty-nined the call, it wasn't me!" he argued.

Xander reached out and cut the wire and then he cut off the excess length of the wire so it wouldn't drag on the floor and alert the guy.

"No I bloody well didn't call you, I don't even know who the fuck you are!" he yelled into the phone.

After another five minutes of sitting and listening to the mad bomber and Willy the snitch argue, Xander got bored.

"I don't know who you are or where you live but if I ever find out I'll come over there and…" the call went on in that vein for quite a while as threats and insults were exchanged.

Xander found a yellow pad of sticky's and a working pen that had made their way under the desk and started writing. As the man turned away from the desk still yelling into the phone Xander began to stick notes on the back of his trenchcoat. After another couple of minutes of hearing him rant Xander started sticking them on the front of his pants from the waist down, and then the sides of his legs as he turned. Running out of yellow sticky notes and patience, Xander finally unplugged and plugged back into the phone.

"That little bitch hung up on me!" the bomber growled, before slamming the phone down and storming back out his lower half covered in yellow post it notes and his trigger no longer connected to anything.

There was the sound of bodies hitting the ground several seconds later as the police realized he couldn't set off the bomb and dogpiled him.

Xander quickly slipped back out the way he came in returning to the jet where he found a detective trying to convince the pilot they needed to commandeer it.

"I'm sorry, I'm simply not authorized to move the jet or allow someone else to move it," the pilot explained for the umpteenth time.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Some lunatic with a bomb," Lex said frowning as they watched the live broadcast.

Clark watched impatiently wishing there was something he could do.

"Relax, Clark. Sometimes you have to let the police do their job," Lex replied reading Clark's mind easily.

"And sometimes someone else lends a hand," Clark said pointing to a pair of hands in the corner of the screen that were only partially in the shot.

Lex squinted and could barely make out what Clark had instantly spotted. "Good eyes, Clark."

The two watched events unfold as the limo slowly made its way through the heavy traffic.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Who are you?" Detective Jameson demanded upset that someone had made it through the police corridor and frustrated at not being able to commandeer the Lexcorp jet.

"Xander Harris," Xander introduced himself. "I was just in the bathroom. I'm waiting for my brother to pick me up."

"Well Mr. Harris, I'd like to borrow your jet."

"It's not my jet," Xander said shaking his head.

A limo pulled up and Clark and Lex stepped out just as the detective rounded on Xander. "I could have you arrested for obstruction!"

"Because I don't own a jet?" Xander asked wondering what was going on.

"Well somebody damn well owns it!" Jameson growled out, pissed at being given the run around by some rich punk and his personal pilot.

"That would be me," Lex said stepping forward.

"I need to use your jet," the detective ordered. "We have a situation at the airport and lives are at stake!"

"The bomber is already disarmed and in custody or they wouldn't have let us through," Lex said calmly. "Or is there another situation I'm not aware of?"

Detective Jameson grit his teeth and forced down his anger. "Then I have no further business with you, thank you for your time."

"OK, now I understand his getting pissed since lives were in danger," Xander said as Jameson left.

"All I know is I'm not authorized to make those kinds of decisions," the pilot said.

"I'll check and see what kind of policy is standard for private jets in emergency situations and how it applies to us," Lex promised. "I suspect it'll be something along the line of letting them use the jet, but they have to get their own pilot."

"Thank you, sir. That would be much appreciated," the pilot said before returning to the jet.

Lex waved off the man's thanks and offered a hand to his brother. "Lex Luthor."

Xander clasped his hand with a smile. "Xander Harris."

Clark burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Xander asked.

"My friend Clark said I was probably the only person who shortened his first name in such a unique manner," Lex replied amused. "And then it turns out we both have shortened our first names in unique ways."

"Ahh," Xander nodded. "Mine was actually shortened by a girl I met in kindergarten. See, Willow couldn't pronounce Alexander so I became Xander."

Lex waved Xander into the limo while his driver put Xander's bags in the back.

"So tell me about yourself," Lex said as they settled in.

"Not much to say really. Just graduated from high school and thought I'd take a road trip to see the states, since I've never even been out of Sunnydale."

"Wow, even I've been to Metropolis," Clark said.

Xander chuckled. "And now I have too."

Clark grinned. "And I've never been to Sunnydale, so that puts you one up on me."

"I didn't interrupt your plans, did I?" Lex asked.

"Not really. Turns out my car had some problems so my plans were kinda doomed."

"I'll get you a car," Lex said.

"You don't have to do that," Xander said.

"Oh no," Lex said firmly. "I bought Clark an SUV for saving my life, but he didn't accept it. You as my brother cannot turn down the first gift I've ever had the chance to give you. What use is being rich if you can't buy your brother a car for graduation?"

"You saved his life?" Xander asked Clark.

"He blew out a tire and went into the river," Clark explained. "All I did was dive in and fish him out. Anyone would have done it," Clark replied modestly.

Xander nodded agreeing with Clark and Lex laughed. "And it seems you have a lot in common with Clark too. I'm buying you a car, any car?"

"Any car?" Xander asked seeing a way out of it. "OK, so if I request a car and you can't get it, we'll drop the whole thing?" Xander bargained.

Lex grinned. "Deal!"

"I'd like a Knight Industries two thousand," Xander requested.

"Knight Industries… Why does that sound familiar?" Lex said thoughtfully.

Clark started laughing.

"What?"

"Ever seen the show Knight Rider?" Xander asked.

Lex beamed, proud of his younger brother for outsmarting him. "OK fine, I'll say no more about buying you a car, unless I can find a way to materialize a fictional vehicle."

"Thanks," Xander said glad his brother had a sense of humor.

"So what do you do for fun?" Clark asked.

"Well Sunnydale was really a one horse town, so except for the mandatory trips to the beach that all Californians are required to take, me and my two friends would hang out at the Bronze or the school library."

"I didn't take you for the studious type," Lex said.

"I'm not," Xander waved it off. "Willow made me take a lot of honor courses and such, but hanging out in the library was mainly because of Giles."

"Giles?" Lex asked.

"Rupert Giles, very British, very much with the rare knowledge," Xander said fondly. "He was the school librarian and he pretty much adopted us, even though we drove him nuts. He taught us ancient languages and how to handle medieval weapons."

"Sounds a lot more fun than Smallville high," Clark said.

"It had its good points," Xander admitted.

"So how'd you end up disarming the bomb at the airport?" Lex asked.

"How'd you?" Xander trailed off speechless.

"Your class ring was just visible on the edge of the screen," Lex explained. "We were watching the news on the way out."

"So no one else knows?" Xander asked.

"Nope," Lex said.

"Well, keep it under your hat please."

"I swear," Lex said. "Now tell me how it happened.

"I went in to use the restroom while I was waiting for you," Xander replied. "And the place was deserted. I heard screams and went to investigate. Things kinda just worked out from there."

"And the post it notes covering him from the waist down?" Clark asked. "The ones reading shoot me, kick me, make me write bad check?"

"I got bored."

"You got bored?" the two chorused.

"Well… yeah," Xander shrugged. "I'd already clipped the wire, so he was basically harmless."

"So you could have taken him down," Lex asked.

"Sure," Xander shrugged. "But the police were already there and the police get upset if you leave them with nothing to do. So tell me about yourself," Xander changed the subject.

"I'm the product of my environment," Lex shrugged. "Rich, spoiled, and at war with our father."

Clark sighed. "You forgot the good you've done and how many people you've helped."

"I've made a profit helping people," Lex defended himself.

"And how much effort went into making that profit?"

"I work hard at everything I do."

"You could have made easier profits off people," Clark said.

"True, but that's always been a shortsighted view I feel. People that are happy and productive, produce much more profits over the long run."

"Your brother hates to admit he's a good man," Clark explained.

"I'm a businessman," Lex said. "I just have a more realistic outlook than most."

"So what's Smallville like?" Xander asked, changing the subject since it seemed to make his brother uncomfortable.

"A one horse farming town," Clark replied. "We have one hangout, the Talon, a coffee shop and we generally hang out at the office of the school paper when at school."

"Don't forget the Wall of Weird," Lex reminded him.

"Wall of Weird?" Xander asked.

"Chloe, the editor of the school paper, keeps track of all the strange things that happen around here," Clark explained.

"Strange things?" Xander asked curiously.

"Weird things happen sometimes," Clark said.

"Ain't that the truth," Xander said with some amusement.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	39. Chapter 39

**Horse Stance**

Ranma blinked and looked around as his surroundings shifted, not pausing in eating his ramen. It'd take more than being teleported to interrupt his meal.

"Yatta, I did it!" a blond kid cheered, a wide smile on his face, blue eyes shining.

Ranma drained the remaining broth in his bowl before slipping the bowl and chopsticks up his sleeve and examining his surroundings, taking note of the numerous animal masked nin that were taking up positions around the clearing and the three kids in front of him. "What's up?"

"I summoned you," the blond kid said proudly.

A silver haired nin with a metal plate on a headband covering one eye appeared in a swirl of leaves, taking a protective stance between Ranma and the children. "Naruto, what have you done? I felt the chakra spike half way across the village."

"Summoning Jutsu!" the blond kid said proudly, wiping sweat from his forehead, obviously tired.

"Naruto," the silver haired nin said carefully, "unless you have a contract there are no guarantees that what you have summoned is friendly."

"I made one," he replied, showing a tattoo on his forearm of the kanji for wild horse surrounded by a ring of tiny symbols.

Ranma raised an eyebrow, this was new, but still he remained silent not wanting to give away anything until he knew what was going on.

"I mean a contract signed by both sides, an agreement," he explained. "What you've done here is summoned an uncontrolled being of unknown power. How much chakra did you use?"

"Umm, a lot, Kakashi-sensei," he admitted.

Kakashi groaned. "How much is a lot?"

"Enough that it was visible," the dark haired boy said.

"Crap!" Kakashi said.

"What's wrong?" the pink haired girl asked nervously.

"The more chakra used the more powerful the summons," Kakashi replied not taking his eyes off Ranma. "And boss summons don't require the amount of chakra you've described."

"Don't hurt anyone," Naruto ordered.

"If they don't try and hurt me, I won't hurt them," Ranma replied. "Why did you summon me?"

"Cause I need a summons to be a kick ass ninja!" Naruto exclaimed, having recovered his energy.

"I need a bit more than that. Kakashi?" Ranma said, the question plain to see.

"We are ninja and some of the greatest nin have summoning contracts. Summoning contracts are contracts written between two parties where one uses fuinjutsu to summon another in times of need in exchange for chakra," Kakashi explained.

"And how do I return home?" Ranma asked.

"You'll need to learn to dismiss yourself," Kakashi said. "It's not hard."

"I could use a break from the constant battles," Ranma said thoughtfully. "What the hell, it's a deal. You need help, feel free to summon me."

"Only you would summon something that didn't want to fight," the dark haired boy snorted. "He's as useless as you are."

"Does hurting people include spanking?" Ranma asked.

"What are your capabilities?" Kakashi quickly interrupted.

"I'm a martial artist," Ranma replied as if that was all they needed to know.

"Like a painter?" the pink haired girl asked.

"You don't know what a martial artist is?" the pig tailed boy asked in shock.

"An artist of war?" Kakashi guessed.

"Yes," Ranma agreed. "Keep the peace, protect the weak, things like that."

"And you do that with art?" Kakashi asked confused.

"The Art," Ranma said. "Hand to hand combat. Are you saying you've never met a martial artist and know nothing about fighting?"

"We know how to fight!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Show me," Ranma ordered.

Naruto instantly drew a kunai and attacked.

Ranma tapped Naruto's arm and leaned to the side causing Naruto to go sprawling. "I'm not impressed so far."

Naruto growled in frustration and climbed to his feet. This time he didn't rush in, but Ranma still directed him to the ground with nothing more than a tap on the arm.

"Did the person who trained you want you dead?" Ranma asked sarcastically.

Naruto paused. "Huh, I forgot about that."

Ranma growled. "Bring me your teacher."

"He's in jail," Kakashi said. "I'm his teacher now."

"He hasn't taught us crap," Naruto complained.

"I want your teamwork up to par before I start teaching you individual skills," Kakashi said.

"And you don't expect him to get into any fights before that happens?" Ranma asked.

"I'm keeping them in the village, doing low level missions until I feel they're ready," the silver haired Jounin explained.

"OK, new plan," Ranma said. "All three of you line up and get in horse stance."

"Why should I listen to you?" the dark haired boy demanded.

"Same reason you listen to any teacher," the pig tailed martial artist replied. "Fear of consequences."

"What consequences?"

"I can kick your ass, paint you blue and make you walk through the village naked," Ranma replied.

"You're going to teach us Taijutsu?" Sakura asked, trying to draw attention away from Sasuke.

"I'm not familiar with ninja specific language, use descriptive terms," Ranma said.

"Taijutsu is hand to hand combat, Genjutsu is illusions, and Ninjutsu is ninja techniques that require chakra and handseals," Naruto explained.

"Taijutsu and techniques that don't use chakra or seals are what I specialize in," Ranma replied. "From what I can see all three of you need extensive training in Taijutsu and some serious physical conditioning."

"Sauske's in great shape!" Sakura protested.

Ranma looked at the dark haired boy. "How many tons can you carry and for how long?"

"Lift a ton?!" the three kids chorused.

"Excellent, you already sound like a team," Ranma said cheerfully.

"They're only human," Kakashi warned Ranma wondering once more what Naruto had summoned.

"So am I," Ranma replied. "And by their age I could carry five tons for four days before passing out.

"Really?" Naruto asked wide eyed.

"Yep," Ranma said proudly. "I don't expect those kinda results out of you guys for at least a year or two, but by the end of the week I should have you able to run for a quarter of a day carrying twice your body weight."

"It's Friday," Sakura pointed out.

"It was Monday afternoon where you summoned me from," Ranma replied. "By the end of next week then."

"Great," Kakashi groaned. "You've summoned Maito Gai."

"Who?" Ranma asked.

"A jounin who specializes in Taijutsu and is always challenging me to contests," Kakashi replied. "His training regimen is insane."

"I majorly toned it down," Ranma complained. "You heard me say only twice their body weight, right?"

"You're serious," Sasuke said after a few seconds. "You can actually increase our strength and stamina that much?"

"All it takes is the right combination of training, nutrition and of course, pressure points."

"Pressure points?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"Gotta make sure the chi-paths aren't kinked up," Ranma replied. "You can't expect to get one hundred percent out of someone who's only running on fumes."

"OK, now I feel obligated to bring Gai just to see what happens when you meet. Plus he'll probably understand you better."

"Is he a martial artist?" Ranma asked.

"He's as close as we come to having one," the silver haired nin promised. "Get Gai," he ordered a beetle masked nin.

"OK, everyone, in horse stance," Ranma ordered. "Why are you wearing a dress?" Ranma asked Sakura. "The only female martial – nin I know wear dresses for the sole purpose of using their feminine wiles to stun opponents."

"I always dress this way," Sakura said.

"Far be it for me to tell someone not to flash everyone," Ranma said, "If it works use it, but at your age it attracts some creepy characters, just so you know."

"Ahh!" Sakura turned red. "I'm wearing shorts underneath!"

"Good, then I won't feel like a perv by making you practice kicks. As a woman you have less upper body strength then a man, so kicks are a girl's best friend."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	40. Chapter 40

**First Wish**

Ice formed on the bars and his breath fogged the air as the dementors appeared.

Harry lay listlessly on his old straw mattress and stared at the ceiling until a pair of pale spectral legs formed on either side of his head and he found himself staring up at a young woman's crotch, covered by a pair of equally translucent panties.

Even as a ghost, Luna Lovegood had a rather unique way of helping him deal with dementor exposure. One of her hands slid down to toy with the crotch of her panties, a finger hooked just under the edge to pull the material aside, when the dementor drifted away and she removed her hands.

Harry groaned. "Damned dementors, they leave far too quickly."

"Sorry, but we're running close to what's not allowed as is," Luna apologized. "Tup from the grave and you'll become a ghost and we can't pass on until you do, so that wouldn't help matters."

"He does have a point though," Hermione said fading in. "The dementors are spending less and less time near your cell."

"Which I'd like to thank you for," Bellatrix said from the next cell over.

"Sadly, that does little to help me deal with what has to be the worst case of blue balls in British history," Harry joked.

"Figure out a way to drill a hole between our cells and I'll show you help," she replied with a snicker as the ghost of Ginny Weasly showed up and started admonishing her.

"But seriously," Hermione said as they ignored Ginny arguing with Bellatrix, a daily occurrence. "The dementors are avoiding this area and it behooves us to ask why."

"Dementors feed off misery," Luna began.

"I thought they fed off happy thoughts," Hermione said.

"Actually I believe they feed off the destruction of happy memories," Harry said. "A patronus drives them away and it's made of positive emotions while their presence makes you relive your worst memories over and over until it's all you can remember."

"That makes sense," Hermione agreed.

"Hovering happyvores hate Harry's heated hormonal…drat!" Luna cursed. "What's a good word for energy state that starts with H?"

"Hentai," Bellatrix suggested. "It means pervert in Japanese and can add another H to the list."

"Hovering happyvores hate Harry's habitual hentai…" Ginny trailed off.

"horny hankerings," Luna added.

"Hovering happyvores hate Harry's habitual heated horny hentai hankerings!" Hermione hollered.

Everyone stared at the ghost of the young bookworm. "Sorry," she muttered. "Now, what was your point?" she asked Luna.

"Oh well, I've pretty much conditioned Harry to get horny around dementors and it's not something they can feed on and repulses them much like a patronus would," Luna explained.

"So my penis drives off dementors?" Harry asked amused.

"I wonder if I could have made that my patronus?" Ginny said aloud.

Bellatrix laughed. "Mastering the spell allows you to cast a solid patronus."

"That would have come in handy," Ginny said before blushing and fading away.

"Not to mention what it would do to dementors," Luna added.

The entire group was laughing like loons when the water bucket began to glow, as if it was filled with light and not stagnant pond water. Moments later a young girl with long black hair in a ponytail, strange blue markings on her face, and the weirdest cloths they'd ever seen, colorful blue and white robes crossed with what looked like sportswear, arose from the glowing water.

"Greetings, I am Skuld goddess second class- Uncle Hades?" the girl asked confused.

"Who?" Harry asked confused and shocked at the way she appeared.

Skuld shook her head. "Sorry, but you look and feel a lot like my uncle. Let me check your file." Reaching out her hand vanished in midair like she'd stuck it under an invisibility cloak and returned with a folder that she opened and quickly read through making thoughtful noises several times before she'd finished and returned it from where she'd gotten it.

"What's going on over there?" Bellatrix called out.

"A goddess showed up," Luna replied.

"What?" Bellatrix asked.

Skuld gestured and the wall between the two cells dissolved.

"Goddess, right," Bella said suddenly nervous, but wasting no time in moving next to Harry.

"Sorry, thought you were my uncle," Skuld said. "Now, as I was saying, I am Skuld, goddess second class and you have been found worthy of a wish, but only one so make it carefully, and no wishing for me to be your girlfriend!"

Harry hadn't been thinking that at all, since Skuld looked all of 14, but being trapped in a cell with three females haunting him had taught him at least a little about girls. "Fine, I'll just go with my second wish then."

Skuld blushed and stood a little straighter.

"But before that, how did I earn a wish?" Harry asked as he leaned against the wall holding Bella who was hugging him tightly.

"Pure heart, good deeds, that sort of thing," Skuld told him.

"I was just perving on Luna and I got my friends killed," Harry replied. "I don't see that as being worthy of a reward."

"We got killed because of our own choices," Hermione said. "We are not mindless automatons."

"You even argued against us going," Ginny reminded him.

"You may have lead, but it is we who decided to follow," Luna assured him. "Plus, I worked very hard to give you those pervy thoughts so you could repel the dementors."

"Why not just order them away?" Skuld asked.

"I doubt they'd listen," Harry snorted. "You know what I wish?"

"What?" Skuld asked.

"Wait-" Hermione began.

"I wish we could do this over," Harry said with a sigh.

Skuld rose into the air, flung out her arms and threw her head back as if to scream but instead vomited forth a blinding beam of white light. She hung suspended in midair for a moment before settling back to the ground. "Wish granted."

Before anyone could respond her facial markings flared, blinding everyone.

Harry blinked and slowly regained his sight finding himself in very familiar surroundings.

***BANG BANG BANG***

"Get up, boy! Dudders wants his breakfast!"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: wrote this because someone else did a HP/OMG crossover of a similar setup that I loved, but never finished it! Yes I am aware of the irony of my saying that.**


	41. Chapter 41

**Remaining Balance**

Xander crossed his arms and glared at Buffy, as she did her level best to get everyone to agree to expel Xander from the group.

"They don't like the way you mess up their plans," Whistler said appearing in a flash of light.

"Who?" Xander asked his eyes scanning the room for enemies and weapons.

"The Powers That Be," he replied. "Short term you do great work," the balance demon admitted, "but the long term effects aren't nearly as positive."

"See?" Buffy exclaimed. "Even the Powers say you shouldn't be in the fight." She wasn't sure why Whistler showed up to lend a hand to her efforts to keep Xander out of the way, but she wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"The Powers really take exception to his participation?" Wesley asked earnestly.

"Whole lotta yeah on that," Whistler said. "And like I said, short term he does some good, but it's the long term consequences that the powers are concerned with."

"Like what?" Xander demanded.

"Like Acathla," Whistler said. "If you weren't here for it, Angel would have been the one to stop it, not cause it and spend a century in hell for it."

Buffy's glare could have melted iron. "See what I mean?! We're better off without you!"

"Jenny?" Giles asked quietly.

"She'd still be around," Whistler said.

"I-" Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them shutting out the world as he considered things.

"We're all better off without you," Cordelia said coldly. "Consider your membership revoked and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

"It has to be his choice," Whistler said. "Free will is the name of the game, but I have been cleared to sweeten the deal since we want to remove his influence from the timeline."

"So everything will turn out like he never interfered?" Willow asked hopefully, thinking of Xander having a normal life, and causing Buffy's eyes to light up as she pictured a happier future with Angel.

Whistler gestured and everyone froze in place except for him and Xander. "I think we've heard enough from them, don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah," Xander agreed sadly, as he considered how his friends- former friends were looking at him.

"I need your permission to move you to another reality," the demon explained, "so this world goes back to how it would have been had you never interfered with events."

"Like…hell?" Xander asked with a wince.

"No, come on kid, you don't deserve that, sure things haven't turned out all that great, but that isn't a reflection on you, you did good work. Just because things are more… fitting without you around doesn't mean you're at fault."

"Feels like it," Xander said sadly.

"How would you like to be a super hero in a world where good and evil are a lot more black and white?"

"What?" Xander asked shocked.

"Infinite universes means I can slide you in where you not only fit, but can improve the place just by your presence," Whistler promised.

"How would that make me a superhero?"

"For accounting reasons we've switched from three wishes to a debit card system using karma as your base balance," the demon explained. "And like I said, short term you built up some good karma with your deeds, so you agree of your own free will to allow me to move you to say… Gotham city and you can use the karma account to buy some powers."

"I…could be a superhero?!" Xander asked.

"Or villain, like I said, free will. Have we got a deal?" the demon asked with a friendly grin.

"Yeah, we do," Xander said clasping hands with him. "But… can you tell them about me? So they know I left for their sakes?"

"I promise," the demon said as Xander vanished in a flash of light.

This seemed to free the rest of the people around them because Willow burst out, "Where did you send him?!"

"Exactly where I said I would," the demon promised, his form swelling and splitting the clothes he was wearing, revealing silver armored skin.

"Is it done?" Whistler said as he appeared.

"What is going on?" Buffy demanded.

"It's done," the silver skinned demon said with a grin. "And as promised, I have to explain what just happened."

"You'll have to make it quick, the timeline is already shifting," Whistler said.

"My name is Skip," the silver skinned demon introduced himself. "I was chosen by the PTB, because it was felt that Whistler would give too much away because he likes the kid."

"First change is coming," Whistler warned.

"Xander was a source of chaos that interfered with our plans," the demon explained. "With him gone things are predictable again."

"Then how did you know what the long term effects of his doing his thing were?" Faith asked.

"We didn't, but we know they don't match the PTB's plans and that makes them bad, according to the PTB," Whistler said sourly.

Buffy's physical form faded leaving a shocked shade in her place. "What did you do?!"

"I'm keeping everyone here until I finish," Skip explained. "Without Xander you died before the Harvest. As a Slayer you're pretty mediocre."

Willow paled and shrank a little as her clothes changed to a full body leather outfit.

"Willow was turned by Jessie," Whistler said with a sigh. "Xander wasn't around to stake him."

"Jenny?" Giles asked.

"A ghost cursed to haunt Angel," Skip explained. "Her clan is really strict about watching people and death doesn't exactly excuse you from duty."

"Linda?" Faith asked hopefully.

"She'll be along," Whistler promised. "Kendra died releasing the Master in place of Buffy, who was already dead. With you becoming the Slayer earlier, you were both called to the Hellmouth."

"Kakistos?" Faith whispered.

"Never paid attention to you and is still running things and responsible for about a thousand deaths a month overall."

Oz fell to the ground a skinless corpse, his spirit rising like Buffy had a moment later.

"No Scooby gang means you were eventually caught and skinned alive by a hunter while avoiding the Slayer," Skip stated.

Giles hissed and grabbed his arm, his body melting into green goo.

"You pushed everyone away after Buffy died and Ethan got you, while you were attempting to drink yourself to death," Skip said. "As soon as we finish here your spirit will return to serving him as usual."

"And me?" Wesley asked nervously.

"Never left England, Council toady as usual.

"Oh," he said, rather disappointed for some reason.

"And this is supposed to be better?!" Cordelia demanded white faced, as she realized she was the last living Scoob, as Xander had called them.

"Faith and Linda are happier and Faith has a long career as a Slayer, lasting years," Skip said cheerfully.

"What happens to me?" Cordelia asked.

"You survive high school, move to LA, things happen," he replied. "Don't worry about it."

Whistler sighed. "I still say this is against the spirit of 'his' rules."

"No, I made damn sure it was their idea," Skip swore. "Minimal influence and helped the kid you liked as much as possible."

"I suppose you're right," Whistler said shaking his head. "Still, it's not all bad. Buffy goes up, Oz… hmm. He has to do another life to make up for listening to the wolf after he got infected and a lot of inaction before he was bit. Giles gets his case reviewed in a couple of centuries."

"What about me?" Willow said shivering.

"The soul doesn't get to leave until the vamp is dusted," Skip explained. "It's not your fault, but you have to bear witness to the demon's sins."

"You're legally blameless," Skip assured them. "I'm releasing my hold on this timeline. It was nice meeting you all."

***POP***

Everyone vanished leaving the library empty and still.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander appeared in a flash of light on a dark rooftop in Gotham. "If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all," he informed the two caped figures in front of him.

The Huntress and Robin exchanged glances not sure what to do.

"I don't suppose I could get some clothes…" Xander's voice trailed off. "Good golly, Miss Molly!"

"What?" Robin asked, glancing around to try and locate what had startled the naked teen.

"Telepathic thingy giving me clothes options," Xander replied.

"Well don't hurry on my account," the Huntress replied with a smirk.

Robin rolled his eyes.

"At least we know he's not armed," she said.

"I'll take the Venom Symbiote," Xander said, causing a wave of tar like black substance to cover him.

The two heroes took ready stances waiting to see what he would do.

"What's my remaining balance?" Xander asked the air. "That much?"

"What's with the spider motif?" Robin asked.

"The venom symbiote was originally bonded to Spider-man, so it copied his abilities," Xander explained. "Much like Batman's connection to the Bat Totem it's connected to the Spider Totem."

"And that means?" Huntress asked.

"The Bat is about Survival, so Batman gets the never give up will to survive re-enforcing his own," Xander explained recalling an argument about Totems and their use.

"And the spider?" Robin asked.

"Pranks and jokes," Xander replied. "I will never lose my sense of humor, plus lots of nifty spider based powers."

"Let's start at the beginning," Huntress suggested.

"And god said let there be light," Xander began.

"Not that far back," Robin groaned while Huntress laughed.

"I came from a world where demons infest the shadows and were fought in secret. We don't have more than a couple of heroes and the average life span is about six months active in the fight. I scrapped the good guys long range plans, by doing good in the wrong time and place according to them."

"How does that work?" Huntress asked.

"If you save a small child from drowning, have you done good?" Xander asked.

"Of course," the heroes chorused.

"And if the child grows up to the Adolph Hitler?"

"I-" Huntress frowned.

"You did good," Robin said firmly. "The future isn't written in stone and you aren't responsible for that child's choices."

"Agreed," Xander said. "Now suppose after the war a time traveler gave you the chance to negate your effects on history by moving you to another world so Adolph Hitler didn't become the monster he became in your past."

"I'd take it," Robin said.

"Did you really-"Huntress began.

"No," Xander waved it off. "I affected probably a couple of dozen people at most, but they were ones I cared about, so here I am."

"And the telepathic thingie?" Robin asked.

"My good karma is actually being used like a bank balance to help me settle in."

"Settle in?" Robin asked.

"Yeah, this Earth is now my home and I get an amount of power equal to the good karma I built up fighting demons. I'm just glad my leaving helped out my friends."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Someone wanted to know what would happen if you removed Xander from the gang, and here it is. You can probably get a similar result removing one of the other characters. Except Buffy, she's replaceable since the slayer spirit will just send another.**


	42. Chapter 42

**Negotiations 1**

"Harry Potter," Dumbledore read the fourth piece of parchment that had come out of the Goblet with some surprise.

"Perfect," Snape said sourly. "What else could go wrong?"

The Goblet began to bubble, fire overflowing its confines and forcing Dumbledore to give way as he cast every fire control charm he knew.

Minerva glared at Snape who winced.

Professor Flitwick: the charms master added his efforts to no avail as the flame took on an emerald hue rising to a height of ten feet before vanishing, leaving a one eyed man and a young woman standing in front of the Goblet.

"Mom, Dad?" Hermione exclaimed in shock.

"Still negotiating on that dear," the woman said.

"She has my mother's hair, poor girl," the man said.

"Mr. and Mrs. Granger?" Dumbledore asked, wondering what had just happened.

The young woman, who couldn't have been more than 18 was dressed in khaki, pith helmet and carrying a rifle, frowned. "I always thought you'd take my name."

The young man, who was dressed similarly, but in much more worn clothes and with a few more weapons strapped to him, shrugged. "That would get around the end of line curse, but that's beside the point. What did you do?"

"Got advice from Anya on how to woo the wild Xander," she said with a grin.

"And that involved using the 'w' word?" Xander asked before sighing. "And didn't you promise not to raise the dead anymore?"

"I didn't raise the dead, I tracked her down to Valhalla and went to talk to her."

"Damn… is she happy?" he asked softly

"She's back together with Olaf, who is still a troll by the way, and has started running a book on the eternal battles among other things."

Xander smiled.

"Anyway she pointed out that I was legal now and I should stop taking no for an answer, hence the dart gun, just in case Halie's replacement didn't come through on her promise."

"Aren't your parents muggles?" Ron asked.

"Yes, dentists," Hermione said confused.

"Dentists?" Xander asked Dawn.

"Sounds like something Buffy or Willow would plan," she said.

"Mind wipe and a quote normal life unquote?" she suggested.

"Yep, now come and meet our daughter."

The bushy haired girl examined the two. "You're scarcely older than me," she said as she looked at her mother.

"And American," Xander said amused. "But more than likely not from an America you can find on a local map."

"I… Alternate realities?" she asked.

"She's got your brains," Xander said, a bit of pride leaking into his voice.

"You took how many honors classes with Willow?" Dawn asked bluntly.

"A lot, but I got really low grades," he said smugly.

"You never studied unless forced and spent your nights hunting demons and vampires, the fact that you passed all of them shows how smart you are, love."

"Mr. Potter, I'm sorry but I have to ask," Dumbledore said, trying to ignore the two for the moment and get things back on track, "Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?"

"Why are you asking him?" Dawn asked as she looked over at the wizard carefully. "Anyone with half a brain can tell he had nothing to do with whatever you're asking about and your whole demeanor screams that you're only acting like you have doubts."

"Dawn, leave the politician's plan alone," Xander said.

"Politician?"

"Yeah, he's pulling a Wilkins, do great evil to do even greater good," the one eyed man explained.

"Wilkins sacrificed people for over a century!" Dawn exclaimed. "How is there good in the end of that?"

"He was a germaphobe whose daughter, who was the spitting image of Faith by the way, died of smallpox. How many people die each year thanks to bacterial infections and viruses?"

"He went through all that to become powerful enough to eradicate sickness?" the young woman asked in shock before shaking it off. "It doesn't matter, good and evil are not a numbers game. Killing ten to save a thousand is just as evil as killing a thousand to save ten. The path down the Hellmouth is paved with good intentions and evil is evil period!"

Xander had to resist kissing Dawn as she passionately declared the fallacy of doing wrong for the right reasons.

"You want people to think I'm guilty?" the dark haired boy asked the old wizard.

"I just wanted you to state your innocence clearly," Dumbledore tried to dodge the issue.

"Not with the questioning tone you took," Xander snorted. "Politicians are great at twisting the truth. He wanted you to say you were innocent and be disbelieved."

"Is this true?!" the boy demanded as he looked directly into the older wizard's eyes.

"He's the leader of the light, he wouldn't do something like that!" Hermione protested.

"Honey, notice how he didn't immediately deny it and has been standing there thinking?" Dawn asked. "He's guilty as sin and wondering how he's going to wiggle out of things without losing his patsy."

"B-But Dumbledore has a phoenix familiar!" the bushy haired bookworm protested.

"That just means he has to believe he's doing good," Xander said. "Those birds are very empathic, but as long as he regrets any evil he does they'll read him as good. Remember they aren't human, so their point of view is different than ours."

"And that's all beside the point," Dawn said. "We aren't here to solve whatever problem he's creating, we're here to introduce my future hubby to his daughter. Well that and get him away from overprotective females who would object to my plans."

"I could tell you how you met and fall in love," Hermione offered, a bit distracted by everything going on.

"I was twelve and he had a crush on my older sister," Dawn said. "He didn't speak down to me or treat me like a nuisance and even stood up for me when my sister insulted me. I fell for him so hard I bounced!"

"Yes, but those were implanted memories," Xander reminded her. "You came into existence with a crush on me. You are real, but your feelings for me aren't."

"I got over that crush," Dawn said looking into his eyes. "And I developed a whole new one on you, practically every time things got tough and you showed what you were made of. I didn't fall in love with you completely until after the battle with the First. You have no idea how close I was to using the 'not wanting to die a virgin' line on you before Anya drug you off."

"Mr. and Mrs. Granger, if you'd like we can provide a private room for your family discussion," Dumbledore offered.

"Granger," Dawn said thoughtfully before groaning and burying her face in her hands.

"Mom?" Hermione asked worriedly.

Xander grinned. "Your mom just realized why we chose the last name Granger."

"It's short for Green Ranger," Dawn said with a sigh.

"B-but the Power Rangers didn't come out til I was eight!" Hermione complained, making a connection to the only Green Ranger she knew of.

"Our universe of origin is a couple of decades ahead of here," Dawn admitted.

"Why Green Ranger?" she asked.

"Because your Mom popped up mid-season and green is her power," Xander said.

"Green is you power?" Hermione asked.

"Family secret," Dawn said.

"Brightest day to blackest night," Hermione said looking from one parent to the other.

Xander blushed while Dawn looked confused.

"The Green Lantern's oath?" Dawn asked. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"The Green Lantern's oath," Hermione said quickly writing that down. "I heard that phrase through your bedroom door when I was ten, but you always refused to tell me what it was."

"And why are you blushing?" Dawn asked Xander.

"I have a tattoo," Xander admitted. "I got drunk after watching the Green Lantern movie."

"Oh? Oh!" Dawn's eyes widened as she put two and two together.

"So… give us a hint?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Honey," Dawn said gently, "do you really want to know the details of your parents' sex lives?"

"No!"

"I would," somebody muttered.

"Well tough," Dawn said firmly, "because we don't even know all the details yet."

"Harry I need you to join the other champions," Dumbledore said trying to get things to run according to script.

"Why?" Harry asked. "You know I didn't put my name in the cup and have no interest in competing."

"It's just until we get things sorted out," Dumbledore promised.

"Fine," Harry said, clearly unhappy as he stood up.

"I can't believe you!" Ron hissed angrily at him.

"Who's the jealous little shit?" Xander asked clearly unimpressed with Ron's attitude.

"Language!" Hermione blurted out reflexively.

"Keep your racism to yourself," Xander said firmly.

"What?" came the confused response from half a dozen people.

Dawn sighed. "There is no such thing as a dirty word, the words that are considered such are just holdovers from medieval cultural imperialism where the nobles were trying to stamp out a culture and their language to force the locals to conform to their ways."

"Yes, however the majority of the people we interact with won't know this and simply assume we are ill mannered ruffians with low IQ's if we talk that way," Hermione explained.

"Huh?" Ron asked dumbly.

"That shite won't fly," Fred translated.

"So talk decently or expect to get smacked," George finished.

"Bitch!" Xander added cheerfully.

"Dad!"

"End strong honey," Xander said. "Plus the irony is hilarious."

"He's good," Fred and George chorused.

"I'll rephrase that for sensitive ears," Xander promised. "Who's the little worm that makes me smell a rat?"

"Really?" Dawn asked Xander before anyone could comment.

"I see what I see," Xander said. "Instant jealousy, over whatever plot the Gandalf wannabe is targeting the kid with the bed head with and from the hurt looks back this isn't the first time he's turned on them. Plus the way he keeps glancing at the old guy for cues says he's a spy in their camp."

"Did you betray us you little shit?!" Hermione demanded, fire in her eyes causing the boy to shrink back.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	43. Chapter 43

**Negotiations 2**

"No!" Ron quickly blurted out… after looking to Dumbledore for directions.

It took everything Dumbledore had not to wince.

Hermione looked heartbroken and her future parents quickly pulled her into a hug.

"Putting people upon pedestals practically predicates-" Xander began before Dawn smacked him in the back of the head. "Oww! Thanks, Dawn."

"It never ends well because people are human and fallible," Dawn said.

"He was supposed to be good, someone to look up to," Hermione complained. "And Ron was supposed to be… a friend."

"As your future father, just let me say it's probably for the best, because my other self would have killed him," Xander said.

"What could a muggle do to me?" Ron snorted. "No offense, but I'm a wizard and you aren't even a squib."

"Ignorant and bigoted," Dawn said rolling her eyes. "Try for someone like Bed Head here," she said pointing at Harry. "He wants to comfort you but doesn't know how and looks offended by Mr. I'm-a-wizard's attitude."

Xander looked over at Harry carefully. "I wouldn't chop off his hands for touching you," he admitted. "Though he really should do something about the soul anchor in that scar."

"Soul anchor?!" Harry exclaimed, while still blushing bright red.

"Yeah," Xander nodded. "You got a bit of dead guy in that."

"Hey!" Ron quickly jumped in to derail things at Dumbledore's signal. "It's not being bigoted when it's true, a muggle is helpless against a wizard. Watch!"

"What?!" Hermione would have interrupted but Dawn pulled her aside at a signal from Xander.

"Just watch," Dawn assured her.

"B-but dad's just a muggle," Hermione complained.

"Did we raise you to be a bigot?" Dawn asked in surprise.

"No, but muggles have no defense against magic!" Hermione protested.

"Sure they do, and what is a muggle?" Dawn asked, as Xander grinned evilly and slowly walked towards Ron.

"A muggle is a person who can't do any magic," Hermione said staring wide eyed as Xander easily side stepped a leg locker, drew a machete and pulled out a whetstone.

The sound of Xander casually running the whetstone along the edge of his blade chased Ron as he backed away casting stronger hexes and jinxes, which Xander easily avoided.

"Then there's no such thing as a muggle," Dawn snorted. "I've never met anyone who couldn't be trained in magic."

"What?" Hermione asked shocked.

Backed into the doors with nowhere to go Ron fumbled and dropped his wand.

***THUNK***

The machete appeared in the door embedded next to Ron's head and he dropped limply to the floor. Xander retrieved his blade and shook his head at the passed out boy. "Clearly I am at his mercy."

One of the older students in a fur lined robe stood up. "He wasn't a proper wizard anyway, just goes to show how weak blood traitors are!"

"Then step up," Xander said with a wave of his machete.

"Dear, you shouldn't pick on school children," Dawn said.

"I'm just making a point to a bigot," Xander defended himself as he started towards the sixth year visiting student.

"Glacis," the student incanted, covering the floor between them in a layer of ice.

Xander walked on untroubled by the ice. "Good thought," he said. "Mobility is life in battle."

"Diffindo!" the student called out loudly, slashing the air with his wand and sending a line of silver energy at Xander figuring he'd dodge and slip on the ice and sending a couple of quick wordless stunners to either side.

"Catch!" Xander said using the flat of his blade to reflect the diffindo back and ignoring the two stunners that impacted the ground on either side of him.

The young wizard froze, not having expected to have his attack reflected back at him and too winded by casting the two quick and silent stunners to cast a shield.

"Shit!" Xander cursed.

Dawn snapped her fingers and a wall of green flames leapt up in front of the frozen student and swallowed the spell right before it could reach him. Xander flinched back from Dawn's glare.

"Alright, alright, no playing with the kiddies," he exclaimed. "You OK?"

"Um, yeah," the student said having just seen his life flash before his eyes and realized not only had he failed to be the next Merlin, but that he really spent a lot of time wanking off. "I thought you'd dodge."

"That would have been a mistake on my part," the one eyed man said. "I generally don't make many mistakes unless women are involved."

"Muggles should be helpless against magic," the boy said numbly.

"Anyone can use magic," Xander said. "Amount and type just vary a lot."

"You are sleeping on the couch," Dawn growled.

"We aren't dating yet," Xander said bluntly.

"You fell in love with your daughter the moment you laid eyes on her," Dawn said smugly.

"Any father would be proud to have her as a daughter," Xander replied with a nod, "but how does that equal us being a couple?"

"Well unless we get together, no daughter," Dawn replied.

"What?!" Hermione and Harry chorused.

"Relax dear," Xander said placing a hand on Hermione's shoulder. "Time doesn't work that way. You exist regardless of what we decide, all we can do is affect whether this version of us becomes your parents."

"Are you sure?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah, remember how Willow summoned the vampire version of herself from the timeline Cordelia created?"

"I came into existence later and the monks didn't include anything involving that."

"Oh, well playing with time increases the number of timelines that can be reached from each person's native node and can influence probability, but since eternity and infinity are more than just mathematical constructs you can't actually create or destroy a timeline."

"That makes a lot of sense," a blonde Ravenclaw said in the sudden silence that followed Xander's announcement.

"I think I sprained a lobe," Dawn said. "And why do you know so much about spacetime when you hate math?"

"All science fiction geeks know the practical applications of advanced theoretical physics," Xander said, not wanting to admit he got it from a comic book.

Dumbledore expanded the Gryffindor table and waved for the two to sit with their daughter, trusting in the elves cooking to keep them out of the way for a moment. "Harry, join the champions," Dumbledore ordered, giving up on subtlety for the moment.

Harry left, muttering about switching schools.

"Why are you being so stubborn?" Dawn demanded, as she loaded up her plate.

"Because I take commitments seriously," Xander replied as she passed him the potatoes. "If you wanted to leap into bed you could probably seduce me without too much trouble," he admitted.

"Dad!" Hermione groaned.

"What? Your mother is gorgeous, fun, loving, intelligent and tons of other things I look for in a woman," Xander replied.

"And your dad's a bit of an easy lay," Dawn admitted.

"What?!" Hermione screeched.

"I'm surrounded by the best humanity has to offer, while fighting a war that will eventually claim all our lives," he replied with a shrug. "None of us involved are hard to get into bed, really."

"So why is this so difficult?" Dawn demanded.

"Because you haven't given me a reason we should be together," Xander said.

"I've already explained the how and why of falling in love with you," Dawn said thoughtfully. "I'm also pretty sure you love me."

"True," Xander said, passing her the gravy boat.

"What am I missing?"

"If love alone was enough reason to marry we'd be in a polygamous relationship with enough people to make the Mormons excommunicate us," Xander replied. "Tell me why we should get married.

Dawn ate some ham while considering what to say.

"Love isn't a good enough reason?" Hermione asked.

"Not alone," Xander replied. "A heart can love quite a few people, but even if the love is reciprocated it doesn't mean you're guaranteed a happy ending. Take Romeo and Juliet for instance, if they had truly loved one another they would have let each other go."

"But they were soul mates!" several people, not all of them female, chorused in argument.

"All souls are one," Xander said with a shrug. "The whole idea that only one person is meant for you is a lie invented by someone who wanted sex from someone who needed a good excuse to hop in bed with them. If they had truly loved one another they would have let the other go to find someone else to love that wouldn't require massive amounts of bloodshed to work things out."

"So why marry?" a dark skinned boy asked.

"Because you love someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them, and have a good shot at achieving happiness," Xander said. "You need the last one more than the first two really, because you can fall in love after you've married someone, which is really quite common in places where arranged marriages still take place."

An Indian girl nodded. "Love flourishes much more easily between a compatible couple who have made a commitment than between strangers."

"Xander," Dawn said. "I would like to marry you so I can spend the rest of my life with you, because I love you and enjoy the time we spend together. I think we could make each other very happy if we settle down and raised a family for a couple of decades. When the children are grown we would of course go back to fighting full time."

"I accept," Xander said and the two vanished in a flare of green flames.

Ron had recovered and made it back to the table in time to hear the whole conversation, but all he could do was blink and say, "what just happened?"

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	44. Chapter 44

**Valkyrie**

**Ch. 1: Compete Cock-up**

Xander watched as the battle unfolded around him. His fellow graduates following his orders as he directed them against the legion of vampires.

The Mayor's tail vanished into the school as Buffy lead him off to his doom.

"Squad 2, fall back!" Xander yelled as they ran out of arrows. Running forwards he called out, "Squad 3, to me!" as they closed ranks around the archers.

They didn't have the strength of arms or the training to fight anything other than a defensive battle, but thankfully that was just what was called for, as the graduates of Sunnydale High held off the demons, waiting for the eclipse to end.

A flash off to the side distracted Xander for a moment as the year book staff took pictures of the battle under the protection of the watchful eyes of the chess club, wielding super soakers as no one trusted them with sharp objects after their last match against their rivals at Forden High had turned into a brawl.

That moment of distraction almost did Xander in, as a vampire managed to knock his sword aside and lunged forward fangs first. A vague memory of religious passages affecting vampire morale flickered through Xander's mind before getting tangled up with his larger repertoire of comic book knowledge. "Odin!" Xander shouted loudly in the vampire's face causing it to flinch and giving Xander enough time to pull a stake from his belt just as the school exploded.

Mistaking it for a sign from above, cries of 'Odin' 'For Asgard' and 'In Thor's name' rang out as the makeshift army became staunch believers in the Norse pantheon by way of popular culture and Marvel comics, at least until the battle was over.

Thrusting his stake forward Xander scored a heart shot, allowing him to drop down and recover his sword, coming up swinging and while the vamp that had rushed forward didn't dust, he'd probably have requested a stake in a high pitched voice and was definitely out of the battle for that day.

A chunk of concrete thrown by the explosion of the school crushed the skull of a vampire in front of Xander as it ricocheted off to strike Xander in the chest throwing him back a good six feet from the front line.

The teens closed ranks to cover the hole he left, all the while chanting 'Odin' and grinning ferally as the vampires flinched.

Xander hit the ground hard, not letting go of his sword, despite the fact that the blow had hit in just the right time and place to stop his heart in his chest. His sight began to dim as the eclipse ended, the sun coming out and as the sun fell on his fallen form his eyes finally closed and his chest stilled.

Xander climbed to his feet feeling strangely buoyant, like he was underwater, a feeling that increased as the very air seemed to resist his movements and the sounds around him came through garbled. A large crow swooped down upon him its wings black as night. Xander struggled to bring his sword up, but he knew it was no use, he just wasn't quick enough.

The flat of a sword smacked the crow away. "He's not for you," a female voice said and Xander turned and beheld an armored woman with long blond hair and blue eyes sitting on a winged horse. "It is time warrior," she said offering her hand to Xander.

"We won?" Xander asked, as he looked around the battlefield and saw other women pulling fellow students onto the backs of winged horses and flying off, while crows seemed to absorb others, and for some strange reason a white robed figure was talking to the fallen Harmony.

"It was a mighty battle and you fought valiantly, as did those under your command," she said, as he accepted her hand and she pulled him onto the horse behind her. "The demons were routed and a dozen souls have earned a place in Valhalla, an event that hasn't occurred in quite some time. It's been so long since I've been called down here I'd almost forgotten what to do," she joked.

Xander watched as the ground fell away beneath the winged horse and noticed he was still holding his sword while the sheath by her side was empty. "Do you mind if I slide my sword in your sheath?"

Xander completely missed her blush. "Can you sheath it on horseback?

"Easily," he promised her.

"A worthy warrior indeed," she murmured beginning to rise up in the saddle when lightning struck.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Again!" the paramedic ordered, as they sent another jolt to Xander's heart and stopped to check his vitals.

"Strong regular beat, he's good."

Xander's eyes opened and he attempted to sit up, his bare chest marred by a massive bruise and light electrical burns from the defib paddles.

"Sir, we just got your heart restored, please don't strain yourself," one of the paramedics said.

Shaking off their hands, Xander climbed off the stretcher. "I'm good, and I think I'm through…"

A scream of feminine fury came from an open manhole just a few feet away.

"Buffy!" Xander exclaimed, gathering his sword and jumping into the sewer.

The paramedics looked at one another for a moment before deciding that it was best to forget what had just occurred and go help someone who hopefully would not be revived only to snatch up a weapon and vanish into the darkness.

Xander's landing was cushioned by a vamp, as he landed on its back feet first, snapping its neck.

He could make out a blonde figure furiously fighting a pair of vamps in the dim light.

"You're supposed to be dead!" one of the vamps complained as she raked his brow with her nails dripping blood in its eyes.

"What I wouldn't give for a sword," she growled and slammed an elbow into the nose of its companion, ripping herself out of its grasp.

Recognizing his cue, Xander slapped the hilt of his sword into her hand.

A truly feral grin came over her face, as her fingers instinctively closed over the sword's hilt.

The vamp that could see fled as fast as it's undead legs would carry it, as she unleashed a series of blows depriving its friend of both arms at the elbow and one of its legs.

"You have to take off its head to kill it," Xander said. "But I'd mug it first."

"Mug?" she asked curiously.

"Take all its valuables so they don't turn to dust when it does," he explained, wondering who she was, as her voice was familiar but she had a strange lilt that wasn't.

Quickly and efficiently she copied his actions, as they removed everything of value the vamps had and dusted them.

"Now back to the land of the living," Xander ordered. "We've got to find out who survived and make sure Mayor McSnake is dead."

"Thanks for the loan of the sword," she said stepping forward to return it to him.

"Anytime, Harmony," he replied, waving her towards the ladder to cover his shock at her not only being alive, but being hell in high heels with a sword in hand. He followed her up the ladder and into the daylight, handing her his sword when she got to the top, so he could climb out.

Her face was bruised, she had blood on her lips and body, marks on the side of her neck, but the radiant smile she wore transformed her face into a thing of beauty. She didn't release his hand and he didn't reclaim his sword as they strolled through the chaos of the battle's aftermath, seeing plenty of rescue workers seeing to the injured and carting off the dead and wounded.

"We lost a few," Xander said with a sigh, wishing he could have done more.

"For evil to triumph all that has to happen is for good men and women to stand aside and do nothing," Harmony said. "What they did was not nothing, they chose to fight when they could have run and earned their place in the halls of the dead. No doubt even as we speak they are feasting and fighting to their hearts content, knowing they made the right choice."

Xander began to grin, his habitual slouch fading as he thought with pride of those that had fallen defending their friends. "Truer words were never spoken, but I think they might be a bit tired of fighting for the moment."

"Do you ever tire of making a difference?" she asked with a smirk.

"Never!"

"Then why should they?"

The two joined the rest of the Scoobs in front of the school.

"What happened to your shirt?" Cordelia asked, a bit of jealousy peeking out as she saw Xander holding Harmony's hand and Harmony looking happier than she'd ever seen her, her near perpetual sneer gone.

"The paramedics ripped it open so they could restart his heart after he'd died, just before he jumped into the sewers to give me a hand."

The Scoobs stared at Xander's chest as the wind blew back his shirt revealing electrical burns and a needle mark over his heart, visible beneath the injury.

"I still have some overdue library books to return," Xander deadpanned, trying not to grin as Harmony burst out laughing, followed by the others, the tension broken.

"I'm afraid the library is in no shape to collect them anyhow," Giles said dryly as they watched the remains of the school burn.

"Good thing you didn't notice that in advance," Oz said, making Xander chuckle.

"We survived," Buffy said.

"We prevailed," Harmony corrected her.

"High school is done," Xander said, watching the flames eat away at the wreckage.

"Well done," Oz added.

Harmony tugged at Xander's hand. "Let's go wash the blood off so we can feast properly."

"Sounds like a plan," he agreed. "And I need to pack, cause the US awaits."

The two departed leaving the Scoobs to stare.

"I just can't picture the two together, even having seen it," Buffy finally said.

"Yeah," Willow said.

"He returned from death only to snatch up a weapon and rescue her," Giles pointed out, "can you ask for more than that?"

Buffy shook her head. "I didn't mean it that way."

"She means we don't know what Xander sees in her," Willow said.

"I'm pretty sure I know," Cordelia said dryly.

"You mean besides the fact that she willingly stayed and fought when she could have stayed home?" Oz asked pointedly.

"Just one of the girls," Buffy said finally.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"They're probably passed out," Xander worried, not sure why Harmony insisted on sticking with him, but finding she was much changed from the girl he thought he knew.

Hopping out of the car, she followed.

The Harris household was in the poorer section of town, or rather one of the less affluent sections, as the Mayor hadn't allowed anyone to become truly poor. Still, the house was a bit ragged around the edges as the people who lived there had obviously neglected the place.

"I'm back," Xander called out, but got no response.

"Must have gone out," she suggested.

"And my day continues to improve," Xander said happily as he lead her upstairs so they could clean up.

Harmony smiled broadly as she followed him.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	45. Chapter 45

**Bots R Us**

"She's clearly unbalanced," Dr. Hammond said. "I don't think any credence can be given to her story."

"It doesn't matter," Murphy said, shaking his head. "Rules are rules and anyone found not in compliance of these rules risks my entire facility, and that I won't have! Homeland Security says any cases of patients reporting stories meeting their select criteria are to be reported and her story meets three of them."

"Fine," Dr. Hammond conceded grudgingly.

**Two weeks later...**

Xander didn't like hospitals to start with, and Buffy's tales of when she was in a sanitarium hadn't improved matters any. Sighing, he re-checked his disguise. His grey suit was spotless and unremarkable, his forty-five was in his shoulder holster, his badge was plainly visible on his belt. He was ready.

"I have all the paper work," the short blonde who looked no more than twenty said cheerfully. Her outfit was much the same as his, with the exception of having a skirt and off-white blouse and her sunny smile looked completely at odds with everything else about the pair.

"Time to get this show on the road," Xander said, climbing out of the car.

The security guard straightened up as he saw them approach. Pushing the intercom button, his voice came from the grill in front of the bullet-proof glass booth he was in, "Can I help you?"

"Homeland Security," Xander replied holding up his badge. "Let us in and tell no one we're here."

"I - Dr. Hammond left instructions to inform him when you arrived," the guard said nervously.

"Buzz us in, now!" Xander growled out.

The guard quickly hit the button and the two rushed inside, sprinting up two flights of stairs and down a hall to another security check point that was unmanned.

"Take the door, Buff," Xander ordered.

The short blonde took three steps, spun, and kicked. The heavy metal door was torn from its hinges and Xander ran over it with Buffy right behind him. Rounding the corner at the end of the hall, they spotted two orderlies standing outside a room as a doctor entered it.

"Move!" Xander yelled at the two orderlies, who instinctively reached for their clubs, a mistake that cost them as Xander clotheslined one and Buffy head-butted the other barely slowing them as they entered the room.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Sarah Conner yanked at her restraints, but was unable to escape as Dr. Hammond pulled out a syringe, but before he could reach her, a short blonde entered the room and side-kicked him into the wall. The syringe rolled away as his unconscious body hit the floor.

"Good job, Buffy," the older man who followed him in said. His entire demeanor and manner of dress just screamed Government Agent, except for the eyepatch which was definitely not regulation. "Make sure the good doctor can't run off." There was a pair of snapping sounds as he shook his head. "I meant, prevent him from leaving, but a pair of broken legs works too."

"We are two days early and orders were given that Sarah Conner was to not be medicated for an entire week before our arrival," Botty replied. "Having a guard notify him in advance and placing several obstacles in our path so he could inject her just before we took custody of her says this was a murder attempt and that means I use different protocols."

"Good call," Xander agreed as he started unstrapping Sarah Conner from her bed. "Grab the syringe and any medication that's in the room, we will want to have it tested."

Sarah rubbed her wrists and tried to figure out how she should act to improve her chances of getting out of here and what exactly was going on.

"Greetings, Miss Conners. My name is Alexander Harris and this is my associate Elizabeth Summers. We're with Homeland Security and your case raised some red flags. I'm not going to lie and claim we believe cyborgs from the future are coming back in time, but anyone with half a brain should have noticed and flagged, not only the big guy who treats small arms fire like rain drops, but the actions of Cyberdine industries who has been paying Hammond a rather large grant for suspicious tests and bought the steel mill where you fought the last 'Terminator'," Xander explained.

"I - I can't think of another explanation that fits the facts," Sarah said, wondering if someone would actually listen this time.

"Neither can I," Xander admitted. "Well, actually, I can think of a couple, but they amount to the same thing for the most part; and really, where the enemy comes from is less important than that there is in fact an enemy and there is solid evidence that there is an enemy!"

"That... actually sounds reasonable," Sarah admitted in shock.

"The chances of your son being the future savior of mankind are laughable, but it costs next to nothing to train him like he is, since we train people by the dozens on how to survive and help the United States recover in case of its near total obliteration due to outside forces," Xander continued.

"You're joking," Sarah said in shock.

Xander shook his head. "We specialize in worst-case scenarios, and since there are always a number of small groups who believe the world's going to end for surprisingly rational reasons, it's never hard to channel their efforts into constructive directions."

"So my son is training with groups who are preparing for Judgment Day?" Sarah asked intently.

"Yes," Xander agreed. "But since we arranged it, we can't count it as a data point in favor of your end-of-the-world scenario."

"Meaning?" she asked.

"It doesn't add evidence to your claim, it just means he's a step closer to being able to save humanity should the worst occur."

"I'm not sure there's any solid evidence I can offer that would prove my story," Sarah admitted.

"We have people trained to investigate these things," Xander said. "You are to be reunited with your son and trained just as he is. This serves the dual purpose of preventing anyone from assassinating you and adding another layer of protection for John."

"I've collected all the evidence we need," Botty said.

"We'll grab Sarah's personal effects on the way out," Xander decided, as the two orderlies outside groaned and regained consciousness.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: A different setup for the Xander and Botty meet Sarah Conner story.**


	46. Chapter 46

**King Me**

Harry settled into the compartment across from Luna and Ginny and pulled out a book as Hermione sat between him and Ron. Neville came in a few minutes later and took the last remaining space. Harry ignored Ron and Hermione arguing over something to do with being prefects, and Ginny and Neville discussing their summer, in favor of reading his book.

He'd decided enough was enough and slipped away while they'd gone to get school supplies, ignoring their attempts to 'keep him safe', so he could do a little shopping. He was pretty sure he'd broken enough laws to get life in Azkaban, which considering the way old Fudgepacker was running things might only require jaywalking, but hey useful magic was often illegal since it was so easy to abuse (abuse being defined as 'in a way that people in charge disapproved of' which pretty much covered anything that detracted from their power over you or they couldn't tax you on). Yes, Harry had bought anything remotely useful he could find and a large quantity of stuff that probably wasn't, but really it's not like a vault full of gold was any good to a dead man, so he might as well use it to keep himself alive.

Hermione poked Harry in the shoulder. "Harry, are you listening to me?"

"No, I was reading," he replied a bit annoyed at being interrupted.

"Sorry," Hermione apologized, not sounding in the least sorry. "But this is important. Someone cleared out a good portion of Knockturn alley, and by that I mean they bought everything! Entire shops probably filled with dark items and ingredients were emptied and their owners sworn to secrecy!"

Harry shrugged. "And?"

"Don't you think it could be a first move on Voldemort's part?"

"So?"

"What do you mean so?!"

"I mean, so what? The noseless bastard's probably up to a lot of things, but I'm not really interested. Let someone else deal with him I've reached my limit of caring."

Everyone stared at him in horror, except Luna who was trying to see what he was reading.

Harry rolled his eyes and tried to explain. "I've done everything anybody can reasonably expect me to do and then some, and what have I gotten for it? I'll tell you what I've gotten tortured, starved, and tormented and that's thanks to our side!"

The door slid open and Malfoy stood there with his shiny new prefect badge, unnoticed as Harry continued, "Voldemort has done far less to me than the staff at Hogwarts, so excuse me for not really giving two shits what he's up to. Whatever he's planning, I wish him luck, because I've washed my hands of the matter. Now unless you would care to help me figure out how I'm going to kill the defense instructor this year I'd appreciate you leaving me alone so I can read my book."

Silence fell on the compartment for a moment before Luna spoke up. "Kill the defense professor?"

Harry nodded companionably to Luna. "Yes, every year the defense professor attacks me and something horrible happens to them. The first year I burned Quirrel to death, the second year me and Ron got Lockhart to erase his entire brain, the third year it was a friend of my parents and already cursed so I let it slide, the fourth year it was Barty Crouch Jr. pretending to be Mad Eye Moody and I got his soul sucked out. So you can see I've covered mind, body and soul, so what can I do to avoid repeating myself this year? What's left?"

"Magic or sanity?" Luna suggested.

"Sanity is too much like mind, but I like the idea of destroying his magic. That would be a new one."

Draco closed the door quietly and went back to his compartment; he had a lot to report.

"What is the easiest way to make someone lose their magic?" Harry asked.

"Simplest way is for them to swear something on their magic and then break their vow," Hermione said automatically. "It was in the muggleborn information packet I received from McGonagall in first year."

The two Weasley's and Neville stared horrified at Hermione, who'd slapped both her hands over her mouth when she'd realized what she'd done.

"Thanks Hermione, I knew I could count on you," Harry replied happily, before frowning. "I didn't get a muggleborn information packet when I was told about the school, oh well I'll have to borrow one and read it later."

Luna held out a hand. "Can I see what you're reading please?"

"Sure," Harry replied, handing her the book while the other four occupants had an urgent discussion about Harry that they both ignored.

Luna blushed slightly as she read the first page. "Wow! Who has the counterpoint book?"

"Counterpoint?" Harry asked confused.

Luna took her wand from behind her ear and tapped the book, causing it to split into two books. "It's sometimes called the companion book for obvious reasons. You see, now you provide half the details and I provide the other half and both our choices effect the story."

"Cool!" Harry said smiling. "Then I think I'll name the female lead Luna."

"Then I'll name the male lead Harry," Luna said with a mischievous grin.

The two watched as their respective books began filling in details on each other, wincing as they read something about themselves that was far too accurate for comfort.

"Romance," Harry announced, figuring girls liked to read that sort of thing and curious about what those books were like.

"Adventure," Luna added figuring romance alone would bore Harry to tears and her as well for that matter.

"Unrated," Harry decided, thinking it had something to do with the level of vocabulary used and they were both intelligent enough to use a dictionary in the unlikely event they ran across a word they didn't know.

Luna raised an eyebrow at that, but let it stand as she was sure it'd make for a much more interesting story. "Agreed."

"Princess," he announced, because girls liked that sort of thing.

"Pirates," she announced for much the same reason.

Wearing matching grins they settled down to read while Hermione and Ron went off to their prefect meeting and Ginny and Neville discussed something in low voices.

The two teens occasionally looked at each other, shocked about what they'd just read, before blushing and finding they were unable to stop themselves from reading more.

"What a cruel mistress," Harry muttered trying not to grin.

"Stable boys should learn their place," Luna teased, making Harry laugh.

The train's whistle blew and they both pocketed their books before the boys went to stand in the hall while the girls changed.

"So… you don't plan on standing against V-vol-He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?" Neville asked nervously.

"I've stood against him and had very little support from the people who are supposed to be helping me. I've had nearly everyone turn on me. First I'm the heir of Slytherin and then I'm a cheater in the Tri-Wizard and regardless of anything else I'm sent to be starved and abused over the summers," Harry sighed. "Screw it. I've done more than enough. If people don't like him that much, they can deal with him themselves rather than pushing it all on me and then treating me like crap."

The two boys entered the compartment and Harry didn't bother to wait for the girls to leave before beginning to change, causing Ginny and Luna to keep the door closed so people outside couldn't see him changing.

"Seriously," Harry said stripping down to his boxers revealing scars and ribs you can count as he opened his trunk and brought out his Hogwarts robes. "I'm sick of fighting for people who abuse and badmouth me, so I'm quitting."

Luna stepped forward and helped him tie his tie while he buttoned his shirt.

"What about your parents?" Ginny asked.

"I've killed him once for each of them. Once at Godric's Hollow, and then again in the chamber of secrets. I'd say we're pretty much even now." Harry absently unbuttoned Luna's top making everyone's eyes almost pop out, before he lined up and rebuttoned it correctly and straightened her collar, making her blush.

Luna pulled out hair tonic and a comb from her trunk before pushing Harry into his seat so she could work on his hair.

"What about your horrible childhood?" Ginny tried, absently grabbing a mortified Neville and changing him much like her mother would often do to any of her children regardless of age and sex. Neville was so used to his grandmother doing it he automatically complied.

"Actually, that's pure Dumbledore. Way too many things lead to his hand for him not to have been the perpetrator there," Harry said as Luna magically lengthened Harry's hair to the middle of his back, before passing the tonic and comb to Ginny.

"I'm sure he did his best," Ginny offered lamely, as she worked on lengthening Neville's hair.

"Ha," Harry snorted as Luna contently and softly brushed his hair to remove all his tangles. "The Dursley's hate and fear magic, all it would have taken was a minor spell or two and I would have been raised as an actual human rather than a house elf."

Luna snapped her fingers a few times and Harry handed her several ebony sticks, which she used to twist his hair into a top knot with.

Ginny sighed and dug through her trunk for a red and gold hair tie, which she used to put Neville's hair into a ponytail. "Using magic against muggles that way is wrong."

Harry snorted as he switched places with Luna and started working on her hair much to her enjoyment. "Condoning and covering up child abuse is worse."

Neville unsure of what he was supposed to do pulled a pedicure kit from Ginny's trunk and started to work on her feet.

"So are you going to let him just kill who he likes?"

Harry worked Luna's hair into a long French braid as he spoke, "No, I'll fight anyone who hurts my friends, but I won't go hunting for him."

"Oh," Ginny said with a sigh as Neville worked a pumice stone over the callous on her right heel.

"My parents sacrificed their lives so I could live, not so I could fight other people's wars and I plan on living. I'm going to try and actually live life for once and not worry about it. I think I've earned that."

"Yeah, you have," Ginny admitted.

Harry pulled out his wand and tapped Luna's radish earrings causing them to shrink and hollow out into an empty silver wire frame, before taking out a galleon and rubbing his wand head across it making it cling to the head like it was made of liquid. Tapping each earring lightly they sucked off a decent amount of gold filling into the space between the silver, regaining their radish shape. He finished it off by shrinking her butterbeer bottlecap necklace and turning them silver with the remaining gold linking the tiny caps together. Holding up a mirror, Luna was amazed at what he'd done and her earrings chimed, as she turned her head to examine one of the radish earrings closely.

"What about killing the defense professor?" Neville asked curiously, as he finished painting Ginny's toenails a nice red to match her hair.

Luna took out a nail care kit and started working on Harry's nails just as Neville started doing Ginny's nails.

"That seems to happen regardless of any planning I do, so I decided to plan it out just for once, just to be different."

"Makes sense," Neville agreed as Luna switched nail polish with him as they painted each nail half gold and half red.

Hermione and Ron returned just as the two pairs switched off to do the others nails.

"What are you guys doing?" Ron asked, confused at the way the four were going overboard on dressing themselves up.

Seeing Hermione reach for a handkerchief and eyeing a piece of dirt on his nose, Harry decided to tease them. "A monkey grooming curse was cast on the compartment, so we're forced to groom each other."

"That's ridicul…" Ron began only to see Hermione wetting a handkerchief and approaching his face. Thinking quickly he picked her up and jumped out of the compartment.

"I knew he was allergic to good grooming," Ginny snorted, flicking the door closed with her foot.

"Are we really cursed?" Neville asked, as Ginny painted his nails red and gold.

"Nope, just felt like getting rid of them," Harry replied, as he painted Luna's nails blue and bronze to match her house colors.

Pulling a massive book on clothing charms from his sleeve, while Luna's nails were drying caused some raised eyebrows. He opened it up and flipped through the listings finding spells for all sorts of occasions.

"They've actually got a charm that weaves shadows into your robes to deepen the black and prevent it from fading with time," Ginny said in awe, taking hold of the book so Harry could cast.

Harry grinned and practiced the wand movements for a moment before casting it on Luna and Neville.

"Wow," the four marveled at the effect it had turning simple black robes into something that looked like it was woven out of the night itself and felt like expensive silk.

Harry quickly duplicated the charm on his and Ginny's robes. "What else we got?"

"Blue color enhancement can be from several sources, and since it says any flame works for red, I'm thinking we use bluebell flames for both," Ginny suggested.

"I'll get the flame, you cast the spell," Harry said cupping a palm and slowly filling it with blue fire from his wand.

Ginny carefully cast the spell on Luna and they all watched as the blue flames were drawn into her uniform causing the blue to take on the shifting hue of the bluebell flame itself.

"OL, that looks great, but I'm not sure it'll work with red," Harry said.

"Let's try anyway," she suggested.

Harry nodded and filled his hand with bluebell flames once more. Ginny cast the spell on herself and the effect was striking as the red flickered with a touch of purple.

"I like it," Harry said agreeably as he summoned more flames for his and Neville's uniforms.

"Anything else," Luna asked as they all crowded around the tome.

"Perfect temperature," Neville said before casting it on himself and the others.

"Prevents damage and repairs itself," Luna read casting it on each in turn.

"Lives and grows with you," Ginny said absently. "Not sure what lives means, but grows sounds good." Four quick casts later and the four shifted around as their clothes clung to them.

"No wedgies!" Harry ordered. "And not so tight down there!"

Seeing Harry settle down the others quickly ordered their own clothes about.

"Lift and support up there a bit more," Ginny ordered. "I may not have as much as Luna, but I'd like to show off what I have."

"One last spell," Harry said. "Cause this is like roulette and we got really lucky on that last spin."

"Yeah, sorry about that," Ginny apologized.

"Nah, turned out great," Harry replied with the others agreeing. "This looks and feels like it was freshly tailored."

"You don't suppose we actually do have a spell making us all do all this… do you?" Neville asked.

Harry shrugged. "If so I don't mind it, it's been kinda fun doing this."

"Yeah," Lune chimed in. "I liked playing with Harry."

"And I liked playing with Luna," Harry replied.

Ginny raised an eyebrow at Neville.

"OK, it was all fun, except for Ginny stripping me down to my shorts, that was a bit embarrassing."

Ginny blushed as Harry and Luna laughed.

"OK, last spell," Harry announced. "It's a finishing spell so no other spells are possible once it's cast."

Everyone waited as Harry cast it four times and collapsed into his seat, panting as he pulling a potion out of his sleeve which he downed sending steam shooting out his ears. The three examined themselves, but found nothing changed.

"OK, I'll ask," Luna finally said while Harry was catching his breath. "What did it do?"

"It protects against spells up to the level of power I can defend against and it takes a lot of magic to cast," Harry said.

"That book is fantastic," Neville said, "what's it called?"

"Magnificent Looks for the Magicborn, by L. Sypher," Harry read causing the three purebloods to stare at him.

"What?!" Harry asked.

"Lewis Sypher was a dark lord that came along a couple hundred years ago," Neville explained.

"Well his clothing charms are pretty impressive," Harry replied. "And I seriously doubt anyone would call them dark magic."

"The usual procedure after dealing with a dark lord is to destroy all his works once he's defeated," Luna offered, "so it's possible a lot of magic has been lost that way because of automatic assumptions that it's dark."

"Or it could be that's how it starts," Harry said darkly. "You look and feel good and the next thing you know you're one clothing charm away from rounding up the unfashionable people and putting them in camps like the French do!" Harry tried but he couldn't keep a straight face, busting up laughing which the others joined in.

"Are we sure they don't do that in France?" Luna asked. "I mean I spent time around the Beauxbatons students and it seems like something they'd do."

"We'll have to see if we can do an exchange program or something," Neville suggested. "You know spend a week at another school like that to see what they're actually like."

"I was joking about the camps," Harry said rolling his eyes.

"I know, but it could be fun," Neville said. "A chance to see how other people do things."

"A chance to see another country," Harry said considering it.

"A chance to relax and have some fun," Ginny said thoughtfully.

"A chance to live in a Snape-free environment," Luna grinned.

"I'm in!" the group chorused.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**


	47. Chapter 47

**Proactive Harry**

**First chapter: Fragments Chapter 54**

"What can we-" one twin began.

"-do for you?" the other finished.

"I need a way to magically compel the truth out of someone," Harry said.

The twins looked at each other probably having an entire conversation in a glance, but then they seemed to share a brain so that wasn't surprising.

"Truth serum is a restricted substance and potion masters and occlumency masters are very resistant, one pointed out.

"Not to mention if you get the dose wrong you can poison someone," the second said.

The second year Slytherin hurried to report on what he'd heard.

"Is there any other way to compel the truth other than by potion?" Harry asked.

"There probably are," the twins chorused and frowned, one gesturing for the other to continue.

"But we haven't researched them. The truth is dangerous."

"So I've heard," Harry agreed sourly.

"What's this about anyway?" one asked.

"Every year the Defense teacher tried to kill me, so I thought I'd take care of him in advance so I could actually study and relax for once," Harry admitted.

The twins looked at each other, their faces contorting in a variety of ways as they were either communicating in some twins' shorthand or had really bad gas.

"You have a point," they chorused. "What can we do to help?"

"I need a list of all Death Eaters living or dead so I know when I run across one of their names on the map," Harry said, thinking how much easier it would have been to get Sirius name cleaned if he'd known who Pettigrew was last year, completely forgetting he wasn't known to have been a death eater at the time. Of course seeing a man's name in Ron's bed so frequently would have raised some alarm bells if Harry had bothered to pay attention to the map.

"Come to think of it I'd also like a list of everyone that is supposed to be in the castle so I can rule them out when I'm searching for intruders."

"We can handle that," the twins agreed.

"Hermione mentioned something you might want to consider, Binary Potions."

"Binary?" they chorused.

"Yeah, put half the part on something and the other half on something else, so it can't be detected. Like half in their tea and the other half in the biscuits. Means you can have tea with them and be fine, as long as you don't eat the biscuits and have the tea," Harry explained.

"That would let us get the people-" one twin began

"-who avoid eating or drinking anything unless we did it first. One of us has the tea-"

"-and the other the biscuits."

"All the detector spells in the world won't help when you are mixing it in your stomach," Harry agreed.

"This is going to be big," the twins said. "It'll take a lot of research and testing, mostly on the reaction's table."

Harry opened the door. "Just get me the list as soon as you can please."

"Will get the list of both to you, as soon as possible," the Twins chorused.

"Thanks," Harry stepped a Slytherin who was trying to act casual.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I'll get the word to Professor Snape as soon as we arrive," Malfoy said. "He's probably planning to use the confusion of the Triwizard to cover up his actions."

A dark haired boy rushed into the compartment ignoring the number of wands that were suddenly pointing at him. "He's got the twins involved. I overheard something about the list."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry returned to the compartment feeling a bit better about things.

"Things go well?" Neville asked.

"Very. Now I just need a couple of spells to help me organize and update a couple of lists I'm getting from the twins later. Well that and do research into ways of compelling people to tell the truth," Harry said.

"I can help you with that," Luna volunteered. "The first part anyway, the second will probably require a pass to the restricted section."

"I've got a couple of those," Harry said.

"How'd you get passes to the restricted section?" Ron asked.

"Hermione needed one to find out what was petrifying people so I handed a pad of them to Lockhart and he signed a bunch without once thinking about it. Each pass is good for a year and I hung unto them."

"Oh."  
"Can I have one?" Luna asked.

"Sure," Harry replied. "Remind me tomorrow morning at breakfast so I'll remember to dig them out."

"What are you going to research?" Neville asked.

"Truth, Justice, and the Canadian way," Luna replied.

"The Canadian way?" Neville asked.

"Yes, mainly how and why they put up with mimes while other countries have laws that allow you to hunt them."

Harry laughed then stopped when he realized no one else was. "You're serious?"

Luna looked hurt. "I'm not one to make up stories."

"Sorry Luna," Harry quickly apologized. "But this is the first I've heard about it. I've never heard of anything allowing people to hunt people."

"They aren't people," Luna wrinkled her nose," They're mimes."

"I thought mimes were just muggles in makeup."

"They're a form of undead. This is first year material," Luna said.

"First year I had a dark lord possessed DADA teacher who was trying to kill me," Harry replied, "He didn't teach us much."

"On second year we had Lockhart," Ron added.

"Looks like you have to hit the books," Luna said.

"So… why do muggles pretend to be mimes?" Harry asked curiously.

"Aurors confound first year art students to act that way so the muggles won't find out about them."

"And people hunt them?"

"Just the actual undead ones," Luna promised. "Well… mostly."

"And they're really 'crawl out of your grave' undead?"

"Oh yes and suffering flashbacks of being in the grave and past events," she explained. "It's why they keep reliving things that are completely disconnected from reality."

"Are they dangerous?" Harry asked.

"No, just annoying," Luna replied.

"The invisible box they keep getting trapped in is their own coffin!" Hermione exclaimed in understanding.

"First year material," Luna repeated in sing song just to annoy Hermione.

**Typing by: AzureSky123**


	48. Chapter 48

**Listening **

Xander was still feeling a bit down over being kicked out of the slaying so he bought the largest slurpee they had and some snacks, while wondering what he was going to do with his nights now. His feet led him along one of their usual patrol routes without conscious thought until he heard the sounds of battle and came upon everyone in pitched battle with a large group of vamps.

Xander's first inclination was to jump in, but then he recalled Buffy's harsh words about his fighting skills which everyone had gone along with her about; how he was likely to get someone killed fighting alongside them, so he simply leaned against a tombstone.

One of the vampires on the edge of the fight noticed Xander and turned away from the battle to come at Xander in full game face, fingers curled into claws, and hissing of all things.

Xander simply raised an eyebrow and stared at the approaching vamp till it faltered and cleared its throat, embarrassed at being caught behaving like a fledge.

"So… not here for the fight?" The vampire asked.

"Nah, attracted by the noise. Twizzler?" Xander offered, holding out a piece of licorice.

"Can't eat, vampire," the vamp replied wistfully.

"Have you tested that yourself or are you just going by what you're told? I seem to recall Spike smoking and drinking with no problem."

"You got a point," the vampire admitted and accepted it, took a small bite and slowly chewed it.

"Just remember to chew until it's practically liquid and that should help," Xander suggested.

"This is so good," the vamp moaned after a minute. "I can't tell you how much I missed things like this."

"You could probably grind some up and use it like chewing tobacco so you could enjoy the taste and sugar, if it turns out that eating it straight makes you nauseous," Xander said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, the vampire nodded slowly before carefully spitting out a hunk of heavily masticated licorice. "Whoa I think Bruce has Buffy on the ropes."

"Nah," Xander disagreed. "See how she's being driven back to the wall of the mausoleum?"

"Yeah."

"Watch what happens when she gets close."

Buffy sprang off the wall of the mausoleum, her spin kick snapping Bruce's neck.

"Ouch," the vamp said.

"Yeah, you can tell she's serious because she didn't stake him before rejoining the others. Wanna roll him for cash before someone stakes him?" Xander asked after a minute.

"Sure, I've always wanted his boots anyway."

Xander was a bit surprised by the amount of cash the vamp had on him. "Who carries three grand around on them?"

"Can't use banks and it's not like we have a lot to spend it on."

"Makes sense," Xander agreed, pocketing his half before taking stock of the battle. "You better split, it looks like it's almost over."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the normal folks have managed a defensible line and the two slayers have caught their second wind. They get less playful and more deadly poetry with the fight over and no longer enjoying it."

The vamps' numbers started dropping rapidly at that point.

"I'm thinking LA. Later," the vamp said agreeably before splitting.

Xander sipped his slurpee and watched the battered and bruised group start taking stock.

"Xander? What are you doing here?" Buffy asked, shocked.

"Drinking a slurpee."

"How long have you been here?"

"Ten minutes or so."

"And you didn't help?" Giles demanded, holding his side where he'd bruised a couple of ribs or rather a vampire had.

"I helped plenty," Xander replied and took a sip. "Since Buffy said my help in the fight could get one of you killed and none of you disagreed, then staying out of it is the only smart decision. Unless of course that was just a bunch of popularity bullshit and you're all mindless sheep."

"You could have been attacked," Willow quickly pointed out.

"I did have one vamp consider that, but I explained I wasn't here to fight, I was just attracted by the racket."

"And that worked?!" Buffy demanded.

"I also gave him a Twizzler. We bonded over junk food and rolling paralyzed vamps for cash. Sadly he's decided to relocate to LA. Too bad I could use a friend."

"I want you to stay at home at night," Buffy said firmly.

"And I want to win the lottery. It's nice to have dreams, but it's more important to remember the difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy is me being lucky enough to win the lottery and you having the authority to order me around. Reality is the odds say I'll never win it and that the only influence you have over my actions is that of a friend and that is on really shaky ground at the moment. Well, have a nice night. I think I actually will buy a lottery ticket. After all, I could get lucky."

Faith laughed. "Damn if he doesn't have a pair."

**Typing and extra punctuation by Bailey Matutine**


	49. Chapter 49

**Naruto Loop - Criss Cross**

Naruto and Sasuke awoke at the same instant, just after Sasuke's chidori pierced Naruto's chest at the valley of the end.

Naruto coughed and blood came out. "I guess… you finally got me… bastard."

Sasuke pulled his fist out of Naruto's chest. "Stop being so damn melodramatic." He dropped the wounded blonde on the ground.

Naruto chuckled and sat up, the hole in his chest closing. "Never woke up here before."

"Yeah," Sasuke agreed. "Any ideas on how to handle it? We could play hero and repentant nin to speed up your rise to Hokage."

"Yeah," Naruto said and he slowly began to grin. "But why don't we reverse the roles?"

"Reverse the roles?" Sasuke asked.

"How would you like to play the world's biggest prank on the entire Leaf village?"

"I'm listening," Sasuke said and as Naruto explained his idea Sasuke slowly began to smile.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Kakashi arrived at the scene and stared in horror at Naruto's limp form and bloody hole in his torso, a hole caused by Kakashi's signature jutsu. Finding Naruto still had a pulse, he quietly bandaged his chest and carried him back to where the others were gathered.

"I need medical assistance here now!" Kakashi yelled.

The injured nin was quickly surrounded by medics who did their best to stabilize him.

"Gai!"

"Hai!" Maito Gai jumped to Kakashi's side.

"Naruto needs to reach the hospital as quickly as possible. How many gates would it take to reach Konoha in five minutes?"

"I can open two in my current condition and get him there in seven minutes," Gai swore.

"Do it!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Naruto," Tsunade said sadly as she stared down at the pale and motionless form in the hospital bed. He was healing, but it was slow, much slower than it should be and she was worried that she'd lose him. She leaned down to kiss his forehead and froze as she felt a slight draw on her chakra where her breasts touched him and saw an increase in his sluggish healing rate.

A quick series of experiments showed it worked best on bare skin, particularly mammary tissue.

"Shizune get in here and take your top off!" the Hokage yelled, cradling Naruto's head to her naked chest.

"What?!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto awoke surrounded by breasts, sandwiched by half-naked kunoichi. He was sure the fox had something to do with it, but he was enjoying it too much to care. "If this is what I get for getting a chidori in the chest, call Kakashi over!"

"Naruto!"

It took a couple of minutes to calm everyone down and he noted Hinata, Anko, Tsunade, Sakura, Ino, Shizune, and Ayame were topless and pressed against him.

"Don't you ever worry me like that again!" Tsunade ordered.

"Sorry Granny," Naruto apologized. "I was following… Is everyone here cleared for S-class secrets?"

"I'm just a ramen waitress," Ayame reminded him.

"You are one of the few women who can stimulate his healing faster, I'll clear you myself," Tsunade said.

"Why am I surrounded by beautiful topless women anyway?" Naruto asked.

"Because your healing ability was overloaded and shut down, yet somehow by absorbing a trickle of chakra through contact with our breasts you manage to simulate its effects," Tsunade explained.

"Why is that?" Ino asked

"It has something to do with emotional connections," Shizune guessed. "However that doesn't explain Ino or Anko."

"He knows me," Ino said.

"Yes, but I wasn't aware he had any strong feelings for you," Shizune explained.

Naruto was glad he and Sasuke had already prepared a story that he could alter to cover this. "Actually… we knew each other quite well, but for security reasons your memories were erased, as were those of your father."

"What?" Ino asked in shock.

"The Third Hokage had plan in place in case… recent events occurred," Naruto explained. "Me and Sasuke were personally trained by the old man-"

"And now he has gone rogue," Anko said.

"Actually he's doing exactly what he was trained to be," Naruto said solemnly.

"What?!"

Naruto waited until they'd calmed down. "Orochimaru developed a technique that makes him a greater threat than you know. To counter that, Sasuke and I were given special training by Inoichi. The old man wasn't sure which one of us Orochimaru wanted more as his next host, so we both were trained."

"And you getting a chidori through the chest?" Tsunade asked.

"My healing factor, enhanced by the fox, should have taken care of that," Naruto replied.

"Fox?" Sakura asked, with a blush that Naruto could see reached her waist, as she was on his right side pressing her naked chest against his naked waist and trying not to stare at his reaction to the girls surrounding him.

"Remember Gaara?" Naruto asked.

"He was a complete psycho until Sasuke beat him," Sakura said.

"Sasuke was taken out of the fight early on," Tsunade corrected her. "Naruto beat him."

"Naruto beat him?" Ino asked surprised.

"He released his demon and I had a major summoning contract," Naruto replied. "Gaara holds the one tailed tanuki and was driven crazy by the way he was treated."

"The nine tailed fox is sealed in you!" Sakura blurted out as she put the pieces together.

"But Naruto isn't crazy," Ayame said loyally.

"He's a ninja, of course he's crazy," Tsunade said fondly.

"Anyway!" Naruto said loudly, "Sasuke is fulfilling the mission and the fox should have healed me. I'll need to put a seal on everyone so they can't talk about it until the snake is dead."

"And where do I fit into this?" Anko asked from his left shoulder.

"Part of our mental training required an emotional reason, so the old man shared his memories of you with us," Naruto replied. "You see, the death of the snake may be for the good of Konoha, but the driving force behind it… is the love of a father for his daughter. The old man loved you like a daughter and he shared that love of you with us and because we love you, we are going to kill Orochimaru for hurting you."

"I have to declare Sasuke a missing nin," Tsunade said with a heavy sigh while Anko tried to bury her emotions as she always did, not daring to hope.

"Let the civilians sway you that Sasuke is under the influence of the seal," Naruto suggested, "It will give you more influence over them and they owe you a favor."

"Fine but I'm also claiming you begged me," she said with a smile.

Naruto laughed.

"How close was I to Sasuke?" Ino asked.

"Like siblings," Naruto replied. "It really freaked us both when you started trying to date him after your memories of us were wiped."

"How close was I to you?" Ino demanded, hearing something in his voice.

"You swore you were going to make a blanket out of my boxers," Naruto replied. "You'd managed to get about ten pairs and actually had started making a blanket."

"Do you have anything in writing from Sarutobi?" Shizune asked, while Ino blushed to the roots of her hair

"Deep cover missions have no paperwork," Tsunade said.

"Normally true," Naruto agreed. "However I have a better and more secure place to store paperwork, plus it has one hell of a watchdog."

"It's in the seal?" Tsunade guessed.

"Guarded by the fox," Naruto agreed. "The old man knew I might have trouble convincing the next Hokage, if something happened to him, so we took precautions."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**Later with the fox**

"What the hell was up with screwing with my healing factor?" Naruto demanded.

The Kyuubi chuckled, "You're welcome."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**2 Years later…**

Sasuke walked into Konoha with a bag in his hand that dripped blood. ANBU followed him and numerous civilians moved out of his path as he looked for a certain bar. A blond nin in bright orange joined him as he entered it. Everyone in the bar froze as the two searched the area, conversations falling silent as they wondered what a deserter and the teammate he'd almost killed could be doing together.

Anko looked up from her drink as the two approached her with a bloody bag and dumped the bloody head of her sensei on the table.

"He was actually in a different body when I killed him, so I tracked down where he was keeping his corpse and cut off his head," Sasuke said.

"He-he's really gone?" Anko asked in shock.

"Yes, and now that I've killed Orochimaru for you, you can kill Itachi for me. Criss Cross!"

Anko stared at him in shock and there was a flash of light as Naruto took the picture and both boys fell down laughing.

"That was totally worth the two years we spend on this," Naruto said.

Sasuke wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "Next prank is on my brother, but I get to take the photos."

"What do you have in mind?" Naruto asked.

"Give Anko the Sharingan and have her pretend to be me, having hijacked my body using Orohimaru's body jumping jutsu, bonus points if she hits on him and freaks him out," Sasuke said.

Anko looked down at the head in front of her and then at the two genin. "I'm in!"

**Typing by: AzureSky123 **


	50. Chapter 50

Halloween Aftermath: Star Light, Star Bright

"Greetings, My Master," Darth Vader said as he entered Palpatine's throne room on the Death Star.

"I sense much turmoil in you," the Emperor noted curiously.

"It is nothing, Master," Vader said, turning away and walking over to lean on the rail that surrounded the open shaft that lead directly to the tiny artificial sun that powered the Death Star. "I'm just feeling a sense of… melancholy and wondering how past events have led to this future."

The emperor quickly switched personas. He hadn't expected to see Vader's anger weaken at this point, so it looked like it was time to dust off the wise old mentor role and help his pupil see that the whole universe was out to get them and only power and control could change that.

The Emperor leaned on the railing next to Vader. "Tell me what is troubling you, my apprentice."

"Well it's-" Vader began, when his cyborg augmented body suddenly moved completely independent of his thoughts and grabbed the emperor by the back of his robe and yanked upwards, simultaneously giving the Emperor a wedgie and throwing him into the shaft.

Vader leaned back to avoid the force lightning that the doomed Emperor had flung at him. Chuckling he walked over to the throne and sat down. "The king is dead, long live the king," he said.

His mind was awhirl with complex plans and new ways of using the technology they had to do things that were considered impossible at the moment.

For instance he could clone himself body parts to replace the ones he had lost, rather than relying on cybernetic limbs. Of course those cybernetic limbs and five minutes of programming had just allowed him to kill the emperor, but power armor would allow him to have his cake and eat it too in this case.

He nodded to himself as he a decided a plan of action. He'd build himself powered armor, while having the empire develop regenerative cloning techniques, so he could reclaim his humanity without losing his combat capabilities.

After that… he'd reclaim his children, kick Obi Wan in the balls, and re-establish the Jedi himself.

Vader nodded, his future looked bright indeed and it was all thanks to… Andrew, whose encyclopedic knowledge of science fiction and Star Wars in particular let him make changes that even the force could not foresee clearly.

He was definitely going to need therapy for the endless reams of Vader/Luke fanfiction the boy had written though.

**Typing by: Bailey Matutine**


	51. Chapter 51

Halloween Aftermath: A New Dawn

"I get archaic French and you get a brain upgrade," Buffy complained as she looked at her sister's report card. "It's not fair."

"You dressed to impress a centuries old corpse while I dressed to a impress a modern boy, just a few years older than me," Dawn replied. "You chose to be an idiot twice over."

Buffy glared at Dawn and Joyce spotted the impending explosion from across the room where she was making a cup of coffee and quickly intervened. "Girls it's way too early for this. What are you arguing about now?"

"Dawn wants to date Xander," Buffy said, seeing a way to get back at her sister and nip things in the bud.

"Dear," Joyce said, trying to figure out a way to break things to her gently. "No dating outside your school. It's one of my rules and since Xander is not in Jr. High…"

"Buffy smirked, thinking she'd won this round.

Dawn handed her report card to her mother. "They'd like me to skip a few grades."

Joyce examined Dawn's report card with a slowly growing smile on her face.

"Xander taught me some mental tricks and explained to me why I should get good grades," Dawn lied.

"Xander gets lousy grades," Buffy complained.

"Xander is attending and passing honor classes while putting in little to no effort because his parents aren't going to pay for college and Snyder is sabotaging his transcripts since he's your friend," Dawn said, playing on her guilt.

"They want you to advance to high school?" Joyce asked.

"They suggested college, but the school psychologist said that I should try a year or two of high school first to help me acclimatize to the higher pressure and prevent early burnout. Normally I'd disagree, but his arguments were very well reasoned and he had data to back up all his assertions," Dawn replied.

"This is just a trick so you can date Xander!" Buffy accused.

"I actually am this intelligent," Dawn replied. "And Xander said he doesn't feel comfortable dating anyone under fifteen, so I have to settle for being his friend until then."

"That's a lot more mature than I expected of him," Joyce admitted.

"He likes to play the jester and has lousy parents and poor friends who have sabotaged his self-esteem," Dawn replied. "I'm trying to talk him into not hiding his light under a bushel. I think I've convinced him too!"

"He's way too old for you!" Buffy complained, not wanting to lose the argument.

"Yes, we've already agreed on that," Dawn said, having to fall back on Leia's Jedi training to keep her temper, because Buffy really pushed her buttons.

"When you're fifteen, he'll still be too old for you, because he'll be almost twenty," Buffy pointed out, wanting to get her mom on her side for a quick win.

"Speaking of ages," Dawn said, barely keeping herself from snapping at Buffy. "Aren't you trying to get into the pants of a guy named Angel who is at least thirty?"

"Angel does not look thirty!" Buffy exclaimed, before she could stop herself.

"Is he the one who got you into that frat party last week?" Dawn asked innocently.

"Buffy?" Joyce asked in a tone that promised severe consequences if she didn't like the answers.

**Half an hour later**

"Thanks to you I'm grounded!" Buffy snapped as she walked Dawn to her bus stop. "If I'm grounded I'm not out slaying, which means people die."

"You'll sneak out like you always do," Dawn replied unconcerned. "And you spend a lot more time and effort trying to get into a corpse's pants than you do being the slayer, so if you actually listened to mom and didn't just lie to her face, I just increased the amount of time you'll actually spend slaying."

Buffy got in the last word as she walked away from Dawn at the bus stop. "Enjoy Fordham High School."

Dawn glared at her departing sister. "I wish I had a brother rather than a sister."

**Typing by Bailey Matutine**


	52. Chapter 52

**2's a Crowd 2**

**Part 1: More Fragments Chapter 25 **

Standing outside the Prestige Theater, Whistler examined the marquee and saw it was only showing movies made in the last couple of decades, like _Back to School_ and _Caddyshack_. Closing his eyes, the balance demon reached out and willed an addition to the theater, a fourth screen that would show black and white movies. Opening his eyes he saw no change but noticed an alley off to the side that hadn't been there before. Entering the alley he spotted a heavy metal door against the wall across from the dumpster. He tried to open it but it appeared to be locked.

A slot in the top of the door opened up and a pair of eyes looked him over. "What's the password?"

"Please?" Whistler guessed, knowing Xander's sense of humor.

The door opened and Whistler was allowed in. The inside looked like a 1920's speakeasy crossed with a very swanky theater. Whistler was in heaven, and not just literally.

A martini in one hand and a cigar in the other, that he bought from a girl in a low cut top with a tray of smoking supplies, Whistler settled into his plush and roomy seat and waited for the movie to start. A couple of people arrived and took their own seats just before Casablanca began.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The thirteen wings all lined up inside the dojo. Xander, being the odd man out, especially now as the angels were all female.

Ed looked upon the thirteen rows of thirteen angels and Xander's position off to the side of the first row with approval. "Today, you will all be issued your basic weapon. This of course is a lie, what we are actually doing is issuing you an illusionary item that will help you focus and bring out your own weapon," he explained as he paced back and forth in front of them. "So everyone in order, step forth, receive your lie and return to ranks."

Everyone received a simple katana, fitting with the black robes they wore and the Asian theme that had developed.

"Now, we will step out into the Plains of Discontent and you girls will sing up some enemies to fight. I understand that none of you have been warrior before, or rather most of you," he corrected himself. "So I will give you a hint. You must channel your faith and belief into your weapon for it to have any effect, you must make your lie the truth."

Filing outside they found themselves standing in ankle deep mist that obscured the ground across the featureless plain.

"I would suggest starting with something small," Ed suggested. "I'll be watching." There was a flutter of wings and Ed vanished.

"How do we sing up enemies?" Xander asked.

A short, curvy angel with bright red hair and a name Xander couldn't pronounce, so she said to call her Rose, laid a hand on his arm, so the others would know she was going to explain. "This place isn't stable, it's more shadow than substance. If you visualize something here, you give it shape, and by singing you tap into what substance there is and give it a knowledge of self."

"So I just sing about a monster," Xander said, racking his brain for a suitable song.

"Something small enough to train on without overwhelming us," Rose reminded him.

"Zombies are pretty easy," Xander decided. "It's close to midnight," Xander sang, surprised at how easy it was. Normally his voice could charitably be called average, but now… Michael would be proud.

The sky darkened and the girls turned their attention to their surroundings, swords held nervously.

"And something evil's lurking in the dark!"

Everyone felt a cold cloying presence manifest just outside their field of vision, but it didn't cause fear instead it kindled a spark of anger in their hearts, that something so foul could exist.

"Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart!"

Rotted and decaying corpses shambled out of the dark.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Whistler noticed the change almost instantly as he and the dozen or so tourists on vacation in the demi-plane that was Xander's soul, helped channel the energy needed to bring forth the weapon Xander required without consuming the changes they'd put in.

Yes, Xander's soul had attracted a small tourist population, mostly composed of beings that had at least a tenuous connection to him. Mostly…

"Lord Raiden?" Whistler asked in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Hiding out from my ex," Raiden replied. "Plus, where else can you find a movie theater that still allows smoking?"

"And drinking," Whistler said, raising his glass.

Raise clinked his glass against Whistler's. "I'll drink to that."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It took three days of non-stop battling to put down 'the evil men call the thriller' and the angels resolved to never ask Xander to call up what he'd consider a small foe again.

Ed nodded in satisfaction. He's expected it to take months to get them to where they were now, but Harris made a damn good call, take away their voice so they had to rely on their weapons, and have them attacked relentlessly so they'd have to pull it together. Ed himself had only had to intervene a couple of times to keep them from being overrun and managed to do so in such a way that they'd never seen him.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What you are doing is wrong," Cordelia told Buffy with a glare.

"Look," Buffy said, "this is a once in a lifetime chance. Angel hasn't seen the sun or eaten human foods in centuries. It's not like I'm sleeping with him, we're just making out and such until Willow figures out how to put things right."

"And if Xander was doing anything with your body without you conscious, you'd scream rape," Cordelia replied, not at all happy about the 'and such' or about the dreams she'd been having where girls with flawless skin and perky breasts were asking permission to have sex with Xander and kept knocking over the lamp next to her bed with their wings.

"Which would be completely different because I'd still be in it not giving consent," Buffy argued.

"How's the research into reversing the spell going?" Cordelia asked, realizing she wasn't going to change Buffy's mind.

"Slow," Buffy admitted. "Apparently shoving a soul into the wrong body and displacing the original soul with a forgotten Gypsy curse isn't a common problem. Plus, we got word Angelus is planning a major offensive using the Judge and we still don't know where."

"No weapon forged, takes an army, yadd yadda." Cordelia waved it off. "I want to know when you'll be removing your hands from my boyfriend's pants and working on returning him."

"I tell you what," Buffy said, glaring at the irate brunette, "you take care of the Judge and I'll be more than willing to devote all my time to help research a way to kill Angel, I mean fix things."

"Newsflash, blondie, Angel's been dead since before the Mayflower set sail, he's just been haunting different bodies, but fine, I'll find a way to kill your unkillable demon, and then you'll find a way to return my boyfriend to me or we'll see how you do against whatever I use against Mr. No Weapon Forged!" Cordelia turned and stormed off. She needed help on this and that meant brains which meant she had to corral a couple of geeks.

**Typing by: Bailey Matutine**


	53. Chapter 53

**Not a thug… but a Hood!**

Xander winced at the outfit Cordelia pointed out but nodded. "You won, I'll wear it."

Ethan forced himself not to laugh, as the brunette set a bundle of red cloth and a picnic basket on the counter.

"We'll hide it at my house until it's time," Willow told him.

"Why-" Cordelia began then stopped. "Oh yeah, the whole covered head thing. This isn't going to be a big deal, like when Harmony tried to trick Rosenburg into eating bacon, is it?"

"No, it's my parent's deal, not mine," Xander said.

"Covered head thing?" Buffy asked.

"He's not allowed to cover his head, ever," Willow explained.

"I thought the whole point of religious views was to make people wear hats," Buffy said. When everyone turned to look at her she shrugged. "OK, and scarves and coasters."

"Yarmulke," Willow said dryly.

Buffy shrugged. "All I know is religion has a lot of head coverings."

"It's not religious," Xander said. "One of the few things my parents agree on is that only thugs cover their heads."

"They won't even use umbrellas," Willow added.

"It's just water boy, you won't melt," Xander quoted.

"Just another reason you're a freak," Cordelia said cheerfully.

Ethan bagged the outfit and gave Cordelia change. "And your outfit?"

"As if," Cordelia snorted. "I reserved my outfit at a reputable place." The bell over the door rang as she sauntered out.

Xander turned to Ethan. "Sorry you had to see that, but she's in season and her breed, rather than piss on everything, just pisses off everyone."

"Xander!" the girls chorused, while Ethan burst out laughing.

"That's a good one," Ethan said wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes. "Look around for some accessories and see if you can man it up a little, just to spoil her fun. It's on me."

"Thanks man," Xander said going to look through the odds and ends section, in a faint hope of finding something that would reduce the humiliation of dressing as Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween.

"And what can I help you ladies with?" Ethan said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

***KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK***

Joyce opened the door and stared in surprise.

"That bad?" Xander asked.

"Not bad, so much as surprising," Joyce said. "You look like a pirate version of Little Red Riding Hood, which is something I never expected to see."

Xander grinned. "White poufy shirt and fencing sword makes all the difference."

"Also the weapons sticking out of the basket," Joyce agreed.

"I lost a bet and have to wear the red cloak and carry the picnic basket," Xander explained. "I tried to man it up a bit."

"Well you succeeded," Joyce told him waving him in. "The girls should be down any minute now. Would you like something to drink?"

"None for me, I'm driving," Xander instinctively replied.

"Good answer," Joyce said. "However you walked here and I'm offering soda."

"In that case, I'll take a coke."

He was halfway through his coke before Buffy made her appearance at the head of the stairs. "Ahem."

Xander looked up. "Lady Buff of Buffington, I completely, well thirty seventy, renounce spandex. You look like a Disney princess."

Buffy came down the stairs in her princess gown. "That was about what I was shooting for. Why are you dressed like Angel?"

Xander just stared at her, like she'd just told him the cat had eaten the toaster and he was wondering what drugs she had taken.

Before Buffy could ask Willow came down the stairs dressed in a white sheet with the word BOO printed across the front. "Are we ready? That looks better than I thought it would," she told Xander.

"Really?" Xander asked. "Cause Buffy just asked why I was dressed like Angel."

"You aren't dressed remotely like Angel," Willow said confused.

"Sure he is, he's wearing…black pants?" Buffy offered suddenly unsure.

"Yeah, lots of people wear pants, even black ones," Xander said.

Buffy frowned. "Dressed like that you… remind me of Angel. I have no idea why," she admitted.

"Better than reminding you of Elvira, I guess," Xander said deciding to take it positively.

"Seriously male," Buffy agreed.

"And on that note, we're off," Willow said sticking an arm out from under the sheet to grab Xander's free hand.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Are you sure we shouldn't at least make a play for the Slayer while she's weakened?" Spike asked Dru.

Dru clutched him tightly. "One of them walks the street tonight, staining the ground beneath him red!"

"Sounds like my kind of guy!"

Dru whimpered, "He grits his path with ashes as he hunts for the wolf!"

"And then again, a night in sounds just like what the doctor ordered."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	54. Chapter 54

**On My Shoulder**

Xander stood at the fresh grave with a heavy heart. Harmony hadn't been a close friend…or a friend, really, but she had followed his orders, she'd stayed and fought, and paid for it with her life. He watched as the dirt above her grave was slowly pushed aside and a pair of pale white hands rose from the earth and clawed at the grass. Taking a deep breath he reaffirmed what must be done. He had to kill the thing with her face, it was his responsibility.

Another minute passed before he realized she was stuck.

With a sigh he put away his cross and stake and grabbed her hands. "Figures you'd be the only vampire to not be able to find your way out of your own grave," he muttered as he pulled. Even with his help it took a couple of minutes to pull her out and Xander had to sit down on her headstone to catch his breath.

"Blech!" Harmony spit out a mouthful of dirt and brushed herself off before looking around for something.

"Looking for this?" Xander asked, baring the side of his throat and preparing to stake her when she went for it.

"Xander!" Harmony spun around, hiding her face. "I know I'm not exactly hard, but I'm not _that_ easy! You have to buy me dinner first, though since it's you, I'll bend the rules a bit and it can be fast food."

"Harmony…you do know what you are, right?"

"Hungry?" she asked.

"You're a vampire," Xander said firmly as if he was trying to convince himself as well as her.

"Oh," she said in understanding, moving close to him. "So you were offering…"

As her lips approached his neck he slid a hand towards his stake, waiting for her to be in position.

"I can't!" she cried out and turned away.

Xander sighed; she was even a bigger headache dead than when she was alive! "Why can't you?"

"It's not because I don't like you," she quickly blurted out. "I mean, school's over so we can ignore the whole status game and I don't have to worry about Cordelia shanking me in the shower."

"Shanking you in the shower?" Xander asked.

"I know," Harmony said, turning to face Xander again, "it sounds far-fetched, but there was this girl named Marci, Cordelia had everyone shun her because of the way she dressed, and she just vanished one day!"

"Marci wasn't shanked in the shower, she turned invisible," Xander replied.

"Turned invisible?" Harmony asked. "Which is more likely, that Cordelia shanked her in the shower and had someone vanish the corpse, or that the girl spontaneously turned invisible?"

"I was there, I saw her," Xander assured her.

"You saw an invisible girl?" Harmony asked doubtfully.

"You know what I mean," Xander said. "I saw her move objects, felt her hit me, and touched her at one point."

"I'll take your word for it." Harmony said. "Well, anyway, I used to be afraid Cordelia would shank me in the shower if I smiled at you, OK?"

"OK," Xander said slowly as he tried to remember what they were talking about. "Why can't you bite me?"

"Well, even if I am a vampire, I owe you a lot! You got us all together and trained us so the Mayor wouldn't eat us. If not for you I'd probably be dead!" Harmony exclaimed.

"Harmony, you are dead!" Xander yelled.

"Well, at least I'm not chewed!"

"Harmony, you're not actually Harmony, you are a demon that has all her memories. You aren't you!" Xander explained. "You should be a violent, blood-thirsty beast!"

"I don't care what I should be," Harmony said. "I am Harmony 'Mother-fucking' Kendall and I refuse to be a monster!"

Xander chuckled and shook his head. Harmony, the girl he'd known for so long was gone and the monster- no, the child of the monster that had killed her, was refusing to follow in its parent's footsteps. Well, Xander was the last person to blame the child for the actions of the parent. "Fine, then let's get you some blood from Willy's place. If you aren't going to be a monster and disgrace…original Harmony's memory, then the least I can do is help."

"Thank you." Harmony smiled as Xander led her off.

Willy's wasn't crowded as most of the demonic population had either fled on hearing of the Mayor's Ascension or were lying low after hearing of its failure.

Harmony sucked down her first three mugs of warmed up blood like she was chugging wine coolers.

"Thirsty girl," Willy said quickly setting up three more mugs when Xander laid out another twenty.

"This isn't going to make me fat, is it?" Harmony asked nervously.

**AN: Typing by Elrod Albino**


	55. Chapter 55

**Life is a beach... or maybe death is.**

"Sirius, no!" Harry screamed in horror as his godfather fell through the veil, and before anyone could stop him, Harry leapt through after him.

Remus Lupin didn't even have to think twice as he ran for the veil, his intentions plain to see. The five stunners that hit him barely fazed him as he dove through after them.

"Wait for me!" Luna called out cheerfully as hastily cast stunners bounced off her shield. "Whee!" she called out as she attempted a cannonball.

Ron was still out of it and Hermione too injured, so Shacklebolt stunned Ginny and Neville to ensure they didn't leap through the veil.

Tonks looked like she was considering it, so Minerva stunned her.

Everyone stared horrified, unable to think of a thing to do until Dumbledore finally said, "Well, fuck!"

Bellatrix laughed loudly. "So much for your golden b-" she began, only to be converted into a spray of blood and gore by an easy wave of Dumbledore's wand.

Everyone turned to stare at Dumbledore who simply shrugged. "Prophecy's right buggered and I'm taking off the kid gloves."

"What is going on in here?" Fudge demanded as he showed up in his pajamas, making everyone wonder why he was sleeping at the ministry of magic.

Before anyone could respond, the aurors finally showed up and Voldemort apparated in.

Dumbledore quickly activated the anti-apparition ward and waved to the minister. "Fudge, Voldemort. Voldemort, Fudge."

Shields were raised as Voldemort spit a flurry of spells at everyone to cover his escape. Dumbledore didn't bother chasing after him. Everyone turned to the elder wizard to figure out what to do.

"What are you looking at me for?" he asked sarcastically. "It's not like Voldemort's back and the minister's been covering it up and accepting bribe money from Death Eaters, like this group we have tied up here. Hey, Neville, want to be the next Boy-Who-Lived? We have an opening."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Well, here we all are," Sirius said as they looked around at the seemingly endless desert around them. "I expected death to be... different," Sirius admitted.

"Obviously we aren't dead," Luna said, turning a lizard into a parasol to protect her from the sun.

"Where are we?" Harry asked.

"Somewhere hot," Sirius said.

"I always knew following in your footsteps would land me somewhere hot," Remus joked.

"Point me, road," Luna cast, watching her wand spin until it pointed west. "Shall we?" she asked, presenting her arm.

"We shall," Harry said, taking her arm and stepping under her parasol before they both started off. He cast cooling charms on their robes as they started across the dunes.

"Come on, old wolf," Sirius ordered as he turned and followed them.

**Screw Voldemort, let's go to the beach!**

Number 12 Grimmauld Place

"You should let the adults handle it, dear," Molly said. "You're much too young to be worrying about things like this."

Harry saw the rest of the Order nodding or even voicing their agreement, with Severus of course adding his usual vitriol. Tired of being kept in the dark, while being forced to do all the heavy lifting, he came to a decision. "You know what? You're right." Harry smiled, feeling like a huge weight was off his shoulders. "I am much too young for any of this and I really should just walk away."

A couple of peoples' smiles fell, but Sirius perked up. "Really?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Harry said brightly. "Of course, as long as I'm in England, he'll keep coming after me, but I don't have a lot tying me here. Let's head back to the island in the Caribbean you were on and just hire tutors."

"What about your friends?" Albus quickly burst out, seeing his plans falling apart.

"They can write," Harry waved it off. "Since I won't be at the Dursley's, I'll actually be able to get mail."

"What about Voldemort?" someone burst out.

"Not my concern. You all agreed on that and I'm agreeing with you. It's up to you lot. Do me proud!"

Sirius quickly hurried after him as he left. "Please tell me you were serious, and I don't mean me!"

"I'm serious," Harry told him. "All I really own in the world is packed in a single trunk. We can be out of here and relaxing on a beach as soon as we figure out a way there."

"Wahoo!" Sirius cheered.

"What's he cheering about?" Ron asked, as he and the twins sat in the sitting room playing cards, waiting for the Order meeting to end while Ginny and Hermione worked on something involving three magazines and a number of powders.

"We're moving out of this dreary old place to somewhere a lot more cheerful," Sirius said cheerfully.

"The Order's relocating?" Hermione asked.

"Nah, me and Sirius are moving out of England," Harry replied.

"What about Voldemort?!" Ron exclaimed.

"Dumbledore says he and the Order have it covered," Harry assured them. "Your mum even took the time to assure me of that. Dobby!"

***POP***

"Harry Potter Sir is calling Dobby?" the house elf asked hopefully.

"I was thinking of relocating to a sunny beach, with lots of booze and topless women," Harry replied. "Want to come along?"

"Dobby would love to!" the excitable little house elf exploded in joy.

"How can you-" Hermione exploded only to find herself silenced by Sirius.

"Dobby will be grabbing his surfing board now!"

***POP***

"He has a surf board?" Sirius asked.

"When he found out I couldn't swim, Dobby brought me a bunch of magazines on beaches and we discovered a few things. One, I want a house in the tropics and two, Dobby loves the idea of surfing. Hell, he loves the tropics even more than I do!"

"Screw packing," Sirius decided. "I'll pay the goblins to do it." He took a coral necklace out of his pocket. "Emergency portkey. Grab on."

"Wait for Dobby," Harry said.

***POP***

The little house elf appeared wearing flip flops, a Hawaiian shirt, khaki pants, and holding a surf board. "Dobby is ready to hang nine!"

"I thought it was hang ten," George muttered as the three portkeyed out.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**

**AN: A couple of HP starts that I never figured out where to go with.**


	56. Chapter 56

**Excess Baggage**

Ranma surfaced coughing up water and feeling strangely off balance.

"Too bad, young sir fall into spring of drowned young girl. Very tragic story of young girl who drown in spring three hundred year ago. Now whoever fall in spring take on body of young girl," a portly Chinese man said in Japanese.

Ranma climbed out of the spring and tore open his gi revealing a pair of breasts.

The unreality of the situation hit him hard and everything went blank.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma looked around the American night club in confusion.

"Wondering where you are and how you got here?" a voice asked in English.

Ranma spun around and found a dark haired boy about his age sitting at a table.

He took a sip of his coke. "Xander Harris," he introduced himself.

"Ranma Saotome," Ranma said politely, since Xander appeared wholly nonthreatening.

"We have a problem and I don't know how it happened, how long it's going to last, or how to fix it."

"You've lost me," Ranma said. "The last thing I remember was…" his voice trailed off.

Xander chuckled. "Yeah, well at least we have a nice rack."

"We?"

"And that's the heart of the problem," Xander said. "We seem to be sharing a body. I dressed as you for Halloween and ***bam*** two minds in one body."

"Why would you dress as me and isn't Halloween a children's holiday?"

"I was escorting a bunch of children and required to dress in costume. You, Ranma are the star of one of my favorite anime, so I dressed as you. Unfortunately I come from Sunnydale California, home of the Mouth of Hell, where insane things are the norm, so here we are."

"This…is my mind?" Ranma asked doubtfully.

"Our mind at the moment, this is one of my favorite hangouts; the Bronze. Most nights I and my friends come here to down some soda, play some pool, make fools of ourselves on the dance floor, and stake some vampires. You know, typical teenage stuff."

As Xander talked, scenes flickered to life behind him showing Ranma what Xander was talking about.

Ranma sat down at the table, a can of iced coffee appearing in front of him. He popped the top and took a swig before asking, "So what do we do?"

"No idea," Xander shrugged. "Just thought I'd say hi and let you know what was going on so we don't end up fighting each other. Or arguing out loud and getting put in a sanitarium."

The sounds of fighting came from outside and a window formed on one of the wall's showing Hyena-Xander fighting with Neko-Ranma in a forest.

"Joy, our animal selves have found each other."

Ranma watched curiously, never having seen the effects of the Neko-ken on himself before. "What's up with the eyes?"

"I got possessed by a primal spirit in the form of a hyena. It made me strong and fast, but it also made me stupid and animalistic with no morals at all. It tried to rape one of my best friends, but later managed to save the life of my other best friend and in doing so got locked away."

Seeing how Xander could manipulate the world around them Ranma decided to try his hand by creating numerous game animals in the forest surrounding the fighting pair.

Both Neko-Ranma and Hyena-Xander were soon distracted from one another by lunch as they started hunting down small animals to eat.

The window faded back into a wall.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Yeouch!" Ranma shouted, as he was brought around by the hot water the Jusenkyo guide poured on him.

"We're cured!" Genma said joyfully.

"No, is only until cold water finds you again," the Jusenkyo guide explained.

Ranma was beginning to get angry when Xander asked, 'Do you really think your father knew a place like this existed? This is one of those fate things, you were both destined to be cursed like this.'

'Still sucks though,' Ranma grumbled mentally.

'Yeah, it's embarrassing, but there are lots worse curses. I believe they have a Spring of Drowned Carp for instance.'

'OK, I got off lucky,' Ranma admitted, not paying attention as his father handed him his pack and they set off towards the Amazon village.

'Remember a kid named Ryoga?' Xander asked.

'Yeah, waited three days for him to show up for a match before I came to china,' Ranma replied after thinking about it for a while, ignoring the tingling of his curse activating.

'He's around here somewhere and is going to get himself cursed to turn into a little black piglet, don't let him guilt trip you about it, it's his fate.'

'How do you know so much?'

'I told you. I dressed as you for Halloween. Ranma ½ is a famous anime. I know a lot of things that are coming up, so I figure I might as well try and help.'

'Thanks,' Ranma thought quietly, unused to having someone try and help her.

'Now we are heading for a village of Chinese Amazons. The elders are generally over a hundred years old and hop around using canes like they're pogo sticks. They look like dried monkeys and can kick your ass. Centuries of practicing martial arts is nothing to sneeze at.'

'Seriously?' Ranma asked.

'Yep. As long as you're polite you have nothing to worry about from them. No, what you should be worried about is Genma eating the grand prize for the tournament. IF he starts eating off a table just make yourself scarce and when the purple haired girl shows up, throw some hot water on him so he has to fight for the feast.'

Following Xander's suggestion, rather than her stomach, she bought a cup of tea and watched the matches with interest while her father, in panda form, scarfed down food. She wasn't sure why she believed Xander, since the idea that her life was a manga and anime was just too strange to accept without some kind of proof, but she found that she did.

Seeing the purple haired girl get pissed and having people point to her didn't surprise her as much as she thought it would. Ignoring the screaming Amazon she walked over to Genma and poured the cup of tea over his head before shoving him towards her.

"If you fight her then eating the prize for Tournament is forgiven," the Jusenkyo guide said.

Ranma blended in with the crowd so her father couldn't drag her into it.

"I could use a quick spar," Genma admitted before leaping on top of the challenge log.

Most people would assume that Genma would underestimate a female opponent, especially one so young, but Genma had been watching the tournament and was an expert at gauging skill levels.

Shampoo lead off by swinging her bonbon at her opponent, but for a guy carrying so much extra weight Genma was surprisingly light on his feet and easily dodged back and added an elbow to encourage their movement, spinning Shampoo around. Reaching forward he grabbed the band of her panties and yanked them upwards, giving her a wedgie. Naturally she reflexively clenched everything shut she could, causing her toes to curl which easily allowed him to sweep her off the log.

Hopping down Genma was shocked when the girl said something in her language and kissed him.

Ranma began to grin as Xander explained what had just happened.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: An idea I was playing with.**


	57. Chapter 57

**Heads or Tails**

Once upon a time there was a boy who grew up on the Mouth of Hell, destined to be nothing more than a butt monkey for the higher powers, until one Halloween where the interference of a chaos god changed everything…

This is not his story.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto Uzumaki woke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest and his head filled with a confused mix of memories, his own at sixteen and a 21 year old Xander Harris. He whimpered as he heard the fox try and fight… something. It wasn't that he was sympathetic or worried about the nine-tailed beast inside him, it was because he'd just realized he had to go through puberty… again!

Having been subjected to being shunned and avoided by nearly the entire village, Naruto had, had to develop an iron will to keep from being driven to despair. It was that iron will that saved him now as he clung to his sense of self with all he had until the riptide of memory receded.

He hadn't remained unchanged even if he had managed to push aside the additional memories for the moment. He now knew secrets of both his world and Xander's, secrets that people would kill for, either to possess or keep from the hands of others. Hell, Xander had been an Anime fan so he now knew things about his world that even the great sages were ignorant of!

He forced the knowledge away with a will. It was best to slowly absorb the knowledge as it connected to present day so it became his and he didn't end up a confused and insane blend of him and Xander.

Looking at the clock he saw it was several hours before his team was to meet, which Kakashi was going to be several hours late to and give them a really flawed test. The Bell test was not something that should be given to new genin as they weren't taught to work in teams in the academy.

Naruto sighed and rubbed his temples. He knew at least one possible future - memories of various things Xander had read threatened to drown him for a moment. OK, he had memories of reading various possible futures and quite a bit of hentai Manga involving everyone he knew and then some! Naruto briefly gave thanks that he hadn't hit puberty yet and as he was able to push aside all the porn both of his older selves had read, while mentally cursing his inevitable future as a pervert, to concentrate on his options.

The fact that he knew how the future would have gone guaranteed it wouldn't go that way now because he couldn't play the same role even if he was the world's most talented actor, which he definitely wasn't. Schroder's cat was a zombie and Naruto might as well start drawing up a contract for butterfly summons because the future was going to change from what he knew.

Naruto got up and tossed his toad sleeping cap on the bed. Just from standing up he could already feel the difference in his chakra as having 40 accumulated years of memory gave him a lot more mental energy to work with and his superior chakra control at sixteen refined that even further making him a true powerhouse. He was going to have to train like Lee to be able to take full advantage of that as his physical condition was rather poor in comparison.

As he went about his morning routine, Naruto considered what to do next. It was around his third cup of instant ramen (he'd poured out his past due milk) that he made his decision.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto henged himself into a chuin messenger and used a shadow-clone to distract Jiji's secretary. The horse-faced bitch would try every trick in the book to keep him from seeing the old man, not that it ever stopped him, but he really didn't feel like putting up with her shit today.

As he entered the hokage's office he felt himself become the focus of several people's attention. No doubt Sarutobi was also paying close attention to him, but the old man was so skilled you couldn't tell, unlike his ANBU guards in the corner of the room who made a show of it.

"Hey old man," Naruto said cheerfully, actually startling Sarutobi who didn't recognize Naruto's new chakra signature at first.

"Naruto?" he asked as the young demon container dropped his grin.

"You know another orphan with a nine-tailed fuzzy navel?"

Sarutobi chuckled and lit his pipe, giving him another moment to examine Naruto and formulate a reply. "You're different today."

"Yes I am," Naruto agreed knowing the old man would be on a lie like Choji on free mochi balls. "I was given a lot to think about lately."

"That is true," the Hokage conceded.

"My life finally makes sense," Naruto said with a heavy sigh.

The old man took a long drag on his pipe to avoid commenting.

"Of course it shows me how few people can actually be trusted, cause if you enforced the law on keeping silent about me you'd have to execute most of the village."

"Surely it is not that bad," Sarutobi said.

"Go out henged as me and see how it works for you," Naruto said shaking his head. "The continual whispers just loud enough to hear about you being called it, thing, demon, or monster. The number of places that pretend not to see you so they deny you service. Even without the continual sneers and disrespect of the civilians I have to deal with supposedly loyal nin lying to me and trying to kill me."

"I thought Mizuki was an isolated incident."

"With the exception of Iruka, and he didn't treat me any different than the other instructors at first, all my teachers have tried to sabotage my training and manipulated the students to make me a pariah."

"Your vocabulary has improved," Sarutobi noted, ashamed of the way things turned out.

"Do you know how many shadow clones I can make?" Naruto asked in a seeming non-sequiter.

"No," the hokage admitted curiously.

"Neither do I," Naruto replied with a grin. "But they take so little chakra I can use them for household chores or to read books for me."

"I see," the hokage said thoughtfully.

Naruto opened the door to the hokage's office so they could hear the secretary arguing with his shadow-clone to keep him away from the Hokage for a minute before closing the door and sitting back down.

"As far as I can tell you're surrounded by traitors, unless you gave her orders to keep me out."

"No, I told her to let you in if you came by," Sarutobi replied.

"I've got some concerns about my present sensei," Naruto said seriously.

"Kakashi?" the old man asked in surprise. "I can assure you he's a loyal leaf nin, more so than most even."

"He showed up three hours late and the first words out of his mouth were that he didn't like us."

"Trust me Naruto," the hokage replied with a smile. "Kakashi is not going to let you down, he'll be a proper sensei."

"Fine," Naruto said with a sigh. "I'll pay close attention and obey his every order but if he turns out to be like Mizuki, I want your word I can be on another team."

"We don't have any teams with openings at the moment, but I hardly think Kakashi is going to turn traitor," the hokage replied amused.

"Fine, then rotate me through the teams as a floater, I just want your word that if Kakashi lies to me to try and get rid of me, that you've got my back."

"I promise," the Hokage said solemnly, happy he could put some of Naruto's concerns to rest.

"Henge," Naruto said turning into a nondescript brown haired boy. "Thanks old man."

"Why the henge?"

"It's not all that fun being me around here, so let's see how much fun it is when no one knows who thier scapegoat is. Later," Naruto said as he left.

The Hokage chuckled before turning to his ANBU. "I need a survey of how businesses react to Naruto's presence. Use henge and don't let on it's a test. We'll levy fines based on the results later. Also have my secretary sent to **T** and I. I want to know why she disobeyed my direct orders."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Prices were lower and people were much more friendly to a nameless genin than they were to Naruto Uzumaki. It was both a happy and sad thing to discover, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that the people of the village did come around before and would again.

Sakura and Sasuke waited on the bridge for Kakashi to show, wondering where Naruto was. He was late at times, but for something like this they expected him to be early even if their sensei was hours late. By the time Kakashi arrived in a swirl of leaves they'd both given him up for dead, not sure how the dead last had managed to kill himself trying to get out of this meeting, but sure that he had, otherwise he would have been there.

"You're late!" Sakura screeched.

"I had to pick up my laundry and some of Mitarashi Anko's panties had gotten in by mistake," Kakashi replied. "I tried to return her things to her, but the fact that I was in possession of her undergarments lead to a running battle that ate up most of my morning."

"Naruto's dead," Sakura said once the two genin had recovered from his excuse.

"No he's not, he's right over there," Kakashi said pointing to where a little boy who had taken off his sandals and rolled up his pants legs on the surface of the river while his large white dog napped.

"Naruto!?" Sakura yelled, waking the dog who got up and walked over to them, the little boy went back to walking on the water but kept sinking the further out he went while he practiced.

"Now that we're all here-" Kakashi began.

"What about Naruto?!" Sakura demanded.

"He's right there," Kakashi said pointing at the sheepdog with the dirty white fur.

"Stop screwing around!" Sakura ordered hitting the dog over the head, who poofed into Naruto, the orange of his jumpsuit so bright they flinched at its appearance.

Naruto rubbed his head and glared at Sakura. "The next time you hit me outside of a spar I am either going to press charges or replace your shampoo with Nair. I am not your punching bag!" He knew her actions were motivated by at least in part by affection, but there was also a fair amount of disrespect involved that he would not put up with ever again.

"Yes, well," Kakashi inserted himself between the two. "Back to what I was saying. The final test before you can call yourself genin is to take these bells from me and anyone who is without a bell by the time the clock hits noon gets tied to a log and forced to watch us eat," Kakashi said sitting an alarm clock down.

"But there's only two bells!" Sakura protested.

"Then I guess there'll only be two genin on my team," Kakashi said blandly.

Sakura sent a glance filled with pity at Naruto, that she quickly covered with a look of determination. "True love will win out!" she declared with fire in her gaze.

Kakashi had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Yes, well, come at me with intent to kill or you have no chance. Begin!"

The other two genin dove into the bushes while Naruto just stood there.

"You're not that bright, are you?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto just stared at him calmly his hair swaying as he slowly pulled up all the chakra he could.

"What are you doing?" Kakashi asked cautiously as Naruto began to glow.

"Shadow clone, jutsu," Naruto replied, flooding the clearing with clones and switching the clones and himself with each other randomly before a dozen stood back and directed the others to attack.

No matter what the outcome Naruto was determined that things would be different this time.

**2 hours later…**

"Sensei," Sakura said quietly, "your jacket's on fire."

Kakashi patted out the small fire on the sleeve of his jacket and stared at his three genin. A haze of smoke hung in the air between them and several trees were on fire behind them. The two genin not tied to a log were slightly charred, but in much better condition than Kakashi, who was still smoldering and had his right pants leg missing.

"Well," Kakashi said, "since none of you got the bells-"

"Which bells?" Naruto asked with a smirk.

Kakashi quickly felt his belt and sighed in relief before detaching and holding up a pair of bells. "These bells," he said just before they turned into smoke with a quiet poof.

"You mean the bells I've had in my pocket for the last half hour?" Naruto asked innocently. Unlike his teammates he was soot free.

Sakura and Sasuke dove for him, their hands quickly frisking him and half removing his clothes as they searched for the bells.

"Where are they?!" Sasuke demanded of the disheveled genin.

"I said I had them," Naruto said, glad he'd put on clean boxers that morning since his pants had fallen down. "I didn't say the shadow clone you've tied to a post has them. Besides it was only possession when the alarm went off that counted."

Naruto dissolved into chakra smoke with a soft poof.

As the three stared at the empty ropes the sound of bells could be heard coming from the river. Turning they saw the barefoot little boy standing in the center of the river shaking a pair of bells. Sakura and Sasuke hung their heads in shame for being defeated by the dead last not once but twice.

Naruto dropped the henge and joined them. "I knew these two would attack me for the bells as would you, so I faked failing until I already passed the test."

"Actually none of you passed," Kakashi said shaking his head.

"Really, what a surprise," Naruto said sarcastically.

"The real test was teamwork," Kakashi explained. "The fact that none of you worked together, with the exception of Sasuke and Sakura turning on Naruto after the test was completed, means that not only am I sending you back to the academy, I'm suggesting you be dropped from the ninja program."

"Of course," Naruto said. "You set up a test that can only pass two people knowing Sasuke only cares about himself and Sakura has stated that she hates me and loves Sakura, but when I somehow pass anyway we all fail."

"You have to learn to see underneath the underneath," Kakashi explained. "Those who ignore the rules are trash, but those who abandon their teammates are less than trash."

"Well let me tell you what I see right on the surface," Naruto said. "They don't teach us anything about teamwork in school, in fact they pit us against one another for rankings. Our Jounin team leader is supposed to teach us how to work together. You set up a test designed to pass exactly two genin, neither of them named Naruto Uzumaki and when I passed it anyway you came up with a cock and bull story to try and flunk me out anyway-"

"I assure you this is the same test I've given to every genin team I've been sent," Kakashi interrupted.

"Then you, rather than teaching teamwork, as you are supposed to, have destroyed the careers of all your teams for no reason. I wonder what that makes you? Anyway I don't buy a word of it and Jiji promised me that if you lied to me and tried to get rid of me like a certain someone else, I would be a floater attached to no one team. So, goodbye."

Kakashi turned to his two remaining genin after Naruto had left. "They no longer teach teamwork in the academy?"

"There are a few cooperative exercises," Sakura admitted, "but most of our training involves developing skills that we pit against one another."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto nodded at the chunin who was acting as the Hokage's secretary as he walked past.

"He's downstairs in the Jounin training hall," the chunin said, not wanting to end up like the person he was filling in for.

"Thanks," Naruto said and reversing directions tossing up a Kakashi henge.

"Don't mention it," the chunin muttered as he returned to sorting papers.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Hokage raised an eyebrow as Naruto entered the Jounin meeting under henge. Unable to sense chakra to the same depth as the Hokage, the Jounin he was meeting with just assumed something had riled Kakashi up enough to cause some turbulence in his chakra.

'Kakashi' tossed a pair of bells to the hokage. "Defeated the test that was designed to let the Uchiha and his follower alone pass and was informed that meant I failed." Naruto dropped the henge. "He lied to me as I expected, so that means I'm a floater."

"You got both bells from him?" Asuma asked impressed.

"It was easier to grab them both than just one," Naruto admitted.

"And you didn't share them a teammate?" Gai asked.

"I offered to team up with both of them," Naruto replied, "of course both said no as Sasuke thinks he doesn't need anyone and Sakura was only interested in working against me and with Sasuke. In fact when I admitted I had both bells once the test was finished they practically molested my shadow-clone searching for the bells, which is better than what Kakashi attempted during the test. I'm seriously considering pressing charges here."

"Surely it wasn't that bad," Kurenai said not knowing about Kakashi's butt-poke jutsu.

"So you won't complain if I do it to you?" Naruto asked with a grin.

"No!" Asuma and the Hokage both yelled, knowing what Kakashi likely did.

"Fine," Naruto said rolling his eyes. "Anyways I listened and obeyed my sensei as I promised and he lied and tried to get rid of me, saying I failed by winning. Where do I report as a floater?"

"My office seven AM," the Hokage replied. "Don't be late."

"I'll be there," Naruto said cheerfully before splitting.

"A floater?" Asuma asked as Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves.

"I promised Naruto if his sensei lied to him and tried to get rid of him he could become a floater," Sarutobi said eying Kakashi who was still smoking.

"I gave him the standard bell test," Kakashi defended himself. "And since when did the academy stop teaching teamwork?"

"I'll look into it," the Hokage said. "Did you even bother to read Naruto's file on the Mizuki incident?"

Ignoring Kakashi's attempts to make an excuse for not reading the genin's records Asuma had to ask, "How did he get the bells from you?"

"Uzumaki stamina combined with shadow-clones is bad enough, but add in the fact that Sasuke used a fireball jutsu enough times around Naruto that he learned to copy it-"

Asuma burst out laughing. "The irony in Naruto copying a jutsu from an Uchiha is just too funny."

"Ironic or not he built enough firepower to torch the training area and flood the area with chakra to the point where I couldn't keep track of him."

"That has potential," Asuma said thoughtfully. "Be sure to float him my way occasionally."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto paused in the street and scratched his chin as he thought about what he should do now. Considering his chakra reserves he should really work on his control and his poor physical condition. He smacked himself in the head and muttered insults to himself as he recalled that he knew how to make shadow clones, dropping his henge so he could concentrate.

A quick henge into a nondescript Hyuga caused the civilians that were glaring at him to start. The evil grin he gave them probably didn't help matters any. Enjoying the confusion he decided to get lunch first, something with a lot of vitamins to make up for his poor diet.

Naruto knew that even now there were people working against him and the less they knew about what he was doing the better. But how would he hide… Naruto chuckled. Konoha was just like Sunnydale in the fact that they both had empty warehouses and he was going to go with the time honored tradition of using one for his own purpose.

A flood of rats hit the warehouse district crawling through every inch of every area that wasn't filled with people. This being a ninja village he set off numerous traps, found half a dozen bodies, and a few private caches.

Even with a few thousand clones crawling all over the place it took Naruto nearly an hour to find what he wanted. It was roughly half the size of a football field, two stories high, and could use some serious work. The address was on the letterhead of the paperwork he found in the front office, which was fortunate as he had no idea how he'd have found it otherwise as it was literally boxed in by the surrounding warehouses leaving no easy way in or out without cutting through the wall of another warehouse or climbing across their roof.

He knew business could be cutthroat, be he had no idea how they'd pulled this off. There were no bodies, so the owners had gotten out, but the warehouse still had crates of stuff. It had been a decade or more since it had been abandoned judging by the amount of dust and the condition of the roof.

Clones found their way across the roofs, through the sewers, and even through the walls themselves to congregate in their new home, pausing in the corners and looking in the crates.

A dozen clones improvised tools and breaking down crates to patch up sections of the roof and walls that had developed holes letting rain in. Another dozen started clearing away a large section so he had room to practice in private. Yet another dozen was cleaning and straightening the offices. All of this left countless clones with nothing important to do, even counting the ones carrying in things they'd found in the area.

Naruto stood on a stack of dusty crates a broken skylight giving him enough light to see most of the place from his perch. "I need a stand in and a cleaning crew for the apartment. A couple hundred can practice wall-walking here or go to the park and practice water-walking. The remaining clones pop yourselves one at a time so we don't overload here."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

***Knock* *Knock* *Knock***

Naruto (or rather the clone playing Naruto) answered the door while his clones cleaned the apartment. "Hey old man," he said cheerfully, on seeing the hokage on his stoop.

"Naruto, just the genin I was looking for," Sarutobi said. "Mind if I come in?"

Naruto stepped back from the door and headed into the kitchen. "I need to make tea to be polite, right?"

The hokage entered wondering what Naruto was talking about. "When guests come over it is considered polite."

"I read a book about that," Naruto said getting everything for tea together.

"I came over to see if you might do me a small favor," Sarutobi said, ignoring the clones trying to mop on the ceiling.

"Sure, what you need?" Naruto replied, ignoring a snoring clone who fell off the ceiling and popped on the floor.

"I had a talk with Kakashi, who really does value teamwork above all else, and he's apologized for his actions, as he thought the academy was still stressing teamwork and expected a different response from your group."

"And?" Naruto asked cautiously.

"I was wondering if you might give him a second chance," the hokage said hopefully.

The pot whistled giving Naruto a chance to think of a way to avoid getting stuck with team seven again. "Water's ready!"

Tea was quickly, if clumsily made by Naruto while the Hokage politely waited for an answer.

"Kakashi knows like a thousand jutsu, right?" Naruto asked, pausing to sip his tea.

"He knows hundreds," the hokage replied. "Why?"

"I had a lot of teachers who made it their job to teach me as little as possible while misleading me," Naruto said. "How about I give him a week and if he isn't teaching me, I'm free?"

"The first couple of weeks are mainly used for discovering what you do know," Sarutobi said.

"OK, a month then," Naruto said. "If he hasn't taught me any new jutsu in a month, I'm free."

"That seems reasonable," the old man said, happy that things were back on track.

"No cluing him in," Naruto warned. "I want him to teach like he would as if he didn't think he was being watched."

"That's fair," Sarutobi said.

"And um… could you do me a small favor?"

"Sure, what is it Naruto?"

"I wanna buy a building, oh and my clones found some corpses," Naruto said, counting on the corpses to distract him into agreeing.

"Someone's been murdered?" Sarutobi asked concerned, signaling for an ANBU.

"They're pretty old," Naruto said as an ANBU appeared. Naruto wrote out an address and handed it to the ANBU. "Get me the price and deed please. The six of 'em are old and in different places. I'll have to show you."

The hokage stood up and absently nodded at his guard to follow Naruto's request. "Where are they located?'

"Warehouse district," Naruto said ignoring another snoring clone as it fell off the ceiling and poofed away. "I flooded the area with clones and had them wiggle through all the cracks they could find."

"Why?" the hokage asked as they walked down the street.

"An empty warehouse would give me privacy and room to practice," Naruto replied. "I've had people claim to have reserved time in training areas just to get rid of me before."

"I see," Sarutobi said, the initial report from ANBU impersonating Naruto backing up the young nin's words. It was a short walk to the low rent warehouse district.

The corpses were all underground. Three of the corpses were civilian bodies that had ended up there through accident or misadventure, but the other three were nin. A decade old body from the Yamanaka clan, whose cause of death might never be known and a Kurama clan nin who had died fighting a cloud nin no more than a year or so past, taking his foe with him.

"This entire section of sewer is partially collapsed as are the basements," Anko reported after a quick search of the area. "It's a low priority area, so things were blocked off rather than repaired after the Kyubi attack. Hell, the deed for the address the kid wants is up for grabs, because no one could locate the property or put much effort into finding it. And before you ask, I have no idea how you lose a building that large."

"So I can have the building?" Naruto asked with a grin.

"If you can find it," Anko snorted.

"Find it? I'm in it right now."

"Shadow clone," the hokage said after a moment's thought.

Anko signaled an ANBU who vanished and returned with a piece of paper a moment later. "Mind satisfying my curiosity?" she asked as she signed the deed.

"It is completely boxed in," Naruto explained. "I only found it because I had clones crawling through the cracks in the walls and floors."

Anko snickered. "That'd do it. Surprised no one called ANBU on you."

"Henge," Naruto said. "Look like a rat and all they'll call in is the exterminators."

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**


	58. Chapter 58

**Heads or Tails 2**

Naruto took off his shoes and socks before carefully stepping out onto the water, ignoring his two teammates who were sitting on the bridge waiting for their new sensei. With the help of shadow-clones he'd gotten a decent start on water walking, but it would still take time and thanks to Kakashi he had most of the morning to kill.

As he lifted up his right foot and the water came with it he realized he still had a ways to go before it became instinctual. His next step was fine but out of curiosity he tried to make platform shoes using just water. It was hard to do as he'd never tried shaping water as he did wind, it was harder to move but easier to shape and he found flecks of ice forming if he let his concentration lapse and instinctively touched wind chakra.

A little experimentation showed rounder shapes were easier to form out of water than edges and that injecting a lot of wind chakra into water froze whatever you were working on.

By the time Kakashi had arrive, Naruto had turned a corner of a nearby park into a winter wonderland and was making a mint selling snow cones to the gathered civilians who didn't recognize his clone in his Haku henge.

"You're late," Sakura noted as she ate a cherry snow cone.

"I… what exactly is going on here?" Kakashi asked.

"Naruto discovered the formula for ice," Sasuke deadpanned. "And then he discovered the formula for becoming rich. If not for the fact that no infiltrator would ever be that obvious I would say he's been replaced." Sasuke went back to eating his green tea flavored ice pop.

"I'll go get him," Kakashi said.

"He's the one water walking," Sakura pointed out. "The rest are clones."

"Naruto!" Kakashi called out to the orange clad genin who was attempting to walk on his hands across the water.

Seeing Kakashi had arrived, Naruto returned to the bank and put on his shoes and socks before joining them. "I was sure you'd decided not to show after the first hour."

"How are you making ice?" Kakashi asked, knowing Naruto shouldn't have the Hyoton bloodline.

"Clan secret," Naruto replied.

"One person isn't a clan," Sakura said and then shrunk down as all three males glared at her.

"You're going to stick ice making under clan secrets?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm going to stick tons of crap under clan secrets," Naruto replied. "If I invent something it is a clan secret, besides do you have any idea how much money I'm making?"

Kakashi looked on where people were bringing juices and fruit and Naruto's henged clone was making ice treats out of them. He also noticed another clone using drinks it bought to make snow cones for children who couldn't afford it. "Good point. Is any of that going to distract you during training?"

"As long as no one attacks my clones I should be good."

"How many do you have out?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"About fifty," Naruto said.

"I only see four," Sakura said.

"I got a bunch working on a project," Naruto said with a shrug.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**In the closed off sewers under the warehouse district Naruto had claimed.**

"Cements ready," a clone announced stepping back so another could dry it with a fire jutsu.

***Fwoosh!***

"This section's done, the pipes have been connected to working sewage lines and the plaster and wood they used to seal off the basement has been replaced with ferrocrete," the clone reported to another clone wearing a hard hat and carrying a clipboard.

"Excellent," the clone said making a mark on the paper. "Another dozen basements and we'll have the whole district. Then we can start cleaning our new territory."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"It's not a prank, is it?" Kakashi asked warily, at the thought of what dozens of Naruto's together could accomplish.

"Unless someone screws with me I'm done pranking and at this point I'd rather just screw with their heads."

"I don't know whether to be relieved or horrified," Kakashi admitted after a few seconds of thought.

"Depends on whether you're a bystander or a target, really," Naruto replied. "OK, what's on schedule for today?"

"We'll head off to the Hokage tower for a D rank mission and after the mission we'll eat lunch and then train, time permitting," Kakashi said cheerfully.

Naruto nodded and followed Kakashi to the tower, ignoring his two teammates as he had been all morning not sure how he should feel about them, but their present attitude and future actions weighing heavily against them. He missed his friends, both Xander's from another dimension and his own from a future that wouldn't occur anymore.

Seeing Iruka handing out mission scrolls brought a smile to his face. "Iruka, got anything interesting for us?"

"Just D Ranks," Iruka replied with a smirk planning on playing a prank on his favorite genin, when a spider dropped down from the ceiling and turned into another Naruto, causing the present nin except Naruto to start, before it vanished in a puff of smoke as it fist bumped Naruto.

"The D rank mission to check on the sewers under the warehouse district please," Naruto said having received all of his clones memories from spying on Iruka.

"What the hell was that?" Sakura demanded.

"Use your indoor voice, Haruno," Naruto ordered. "That was just a clone under henge."

"You shouldn't spy on fellow nin," Kakashi lectured trying not to grin under his mask. "We have rules against that and it makes ANBU twitchy."

"I've got clearance to keep ANBU on their toes," Naruto replied. "My no-pranking-unless-provoked policy does not extend to them. If they can't avoid my pranks, how can they be relied on to keep the old man safe?"

Iruka grinned. "And spying on the mission desk?"

"Just a happy coincidence," Naruto replied with a grin. "It's not like I was using it as an excuse to spy out the best mission for us."

"The sewer mission pays as much as three D ranks, but requires at least six genin and a knowledge of both the sewer system and basic plumbing," Iruka said. "Sorry, Naruto."

"Sorry for what?" Naruto replied smugly. "I already have a lot more than six clones under there, I know the area, and I have a thorough knowledge of plumbing."

"Really?" Iruka said doubtfully.

"The local sewer system in that area is where I escorted ANBU yesterday, which is why this mission was called for. I can create a lot more than just six clones to make up the numbers needed as you've seen yourself, and finally do you have any idea the number of pipes I've been ordered to fix because of my pranks?" he asked.

Iruka laughed. "OK, with your Sensei's approval."

"We'll give it a shot," Kakashi agreed. "If the scope of the job proves to be beyond their capabilities we'll trade it for another." Kakashi accepted the scroll, tucking it away in his pouch.

"See you later Iruka," Naruto called out, leading Kakashi off.

"So what's the deal?" Kakashi asked, as they reached the street.

"I was looking for a decent safe house where I could practice without worrying about being interrupted or spied on-" Naruto began.

"Who'd spy on you?" Sasuke interrupted, wondering about the changes Naruto had displayed recently.

"You'd be surprised," Kakashi replied. "Continue."

"I figured an abandoned or empty warehouse would fit the bill," Naruto replied, pausing to create a trio of clones who walked up to several clumps of glaring or sneering civilians and henged into someone in the group before grinning evilly and wandering off. "I created a couple of dozen clones and had them search the warehouse district-"

"What's with the clones?" Sakura interrupted.

"A little paranoia is healthy in a ninja village," Naruto answered.

"Decided to improve the health of the civilian population?" Kakashi asked grinning behind his mask.

"I'm a giver," Naruto said with a smile that made it look like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

"Go on," Kakashi said suppressing a laugh.

"So the clones found a warehouse that fit the bill and some problems in the sewers under the district," Naruto finished.

"And why do you have clones in there now?" Kakashi asked showing he had been paying close attention to what Naruto had been saying.

"I claimed the warehouse with ANBU assistance and noticed the plumbing problems and open area underground, so I made some teams of clones to expand my domain and make repairs," he explained leading them to a small cement structure that he picked the lock on so they could take the stairs down to a sewer inspection station, rather than using a manhole cover to gain entrance.

Sakura wrinkled her nose as they entered, even though all the place really smelled of was dampness and mold.

It was surprisingly well lit room with several doors leading out of it and a series of blueprints on the walls. There was two Naruto's there drinking coffee and making notes on a map of the area. "Hey, boss!" they chorused.

"How's progress?" Naruto asked.

"All seven inspection stations have been claimed and repaired, though we had to use sandpaper to remove the graffiti from the bathroom walls," one clone replied.

The second clone spoke up, "We got all the main lines fixed and are just holding off all the final connections until we get the smaller pipes repaired. The warehouse owners have actually been happy to sign off on everything as both them and their workers, like not having to run home to use the can."

"And construction?"

"Using the fire jutsu we copied off of Sasuke we were able to make ferrocrete as you theorized. It sped things up considerably," the clone began.

"Naruto!" Sakura growled. "You shouldn't copy your teammates' jutsu!"

Everyone just stared at her for a minute.

"Yeah…" a clone drawled out, "right."

"Wanna see?" the other clone asked Kakashi.

"We are supposed to do a basic survey," Kakashi agreed.

One of the clones held up his hands in a familiar symbol and another clone popped into being.

"Shadow clones using only a single hand-sign?" Kakashi asked, impressed.

"Since you learned my fire jutsu would you mind teaching me that one?" Sasuke asked, hoping Naruto's new-found maturity wasn't an act.

"No," Kakashi interrupted. "The chakra demand of that jutsu would kill you. Jounin don't toss clones around the way Naruto does."

"What's so special about you?" Sakura demanded.

"I'm an Uzumaki," Naruto replied. "It's not officially a bloodline, but we are known to have stupid amounts of chakra."

"What? But then how did you keep failing to make clones?"

"Too much chakra, too little control," Naruto replied. "Even now I'm still working on my control because it sucks." Naruto turned to Sasuke. "I'll help you raise your chakra till Kakashi agrees you can learn it."

Kakashi smiled under his mask at seeing Sasuke and Naruto exchange nods. This was the kind of thing that built up camaraderie.

The clone opened a door leading into the sewers. "This way."

Bulbs in the ceiling secured behind glass and steel to prevent gas explosions made it almost as bright as the break room and despite Sakura's fears it didn't smell much of anything as they walked on the ledges above the empty channels. The clone pointed out various tunnels on the map he was carrying and explained the reasons behind the way everything was designed as if he was a tour guide, something that had Sakura actually listening to him for a change.

"Wait," Kakashi said turning and examining what appeared to be a blank wall to the genin, before pushing on it in several places and causing it to swing open revealing a large room with a dozen Naruto's sitting around on various couches or tables reading or writing but obviously hard at work.

"Do you mind?" a clone asked glaring at Kakashi and shoving the wall closed in front of him.

"That was a bit rude," Naruto and his clone chorused.

"You can't just claim sections of the sewer and build hidden rooms," Kakashi said shaking his head.

"You can if you fill out the appropriate paperwork," Naruto corrected him. "It's all clear and aboveboard if underground."

The clone shook his head. "Let's get this finished so you guys can go to lunch."

The rest of the tour went pretty quickly with Kakashi inspecting the new stonework and repaired plumbing with some surprise. "This is professional work."

"We aim to please," the clone said smugly, handing his map to Naruto and dispersing himself.

Naruto marked some changes on the map. "We could poke around some more, but that's all the main points. I hope I don't need to tell anyone what you all saw down there was secret."

"Excepting the Hokage," Kakashi reminded him. "I need to check with him about all of this."

"Of course," Naruto agreed. "Let's get our money and go to lunch. I'm starving!" He led them out another inspection station and into the daylight.

"So all the piping is fixed?" a man asked a Naruto clone, who was dressed in a faded red jumpsuit and who lacked his whiskers and had brown hair and eyes.

"Every drain you showed me has all been fixed and all three bathrooms. As soon as they reopen the mains you'll be good to go."

The man laughed. "Good to go!"

"The partially collapsed basement has been sealed off and your foundation reinforced. Sign here and here, certifying your quit claim on the basement and agree to the changes made to your blueprints," the clone said.

"A small price to pay," the man said signing the forms for the clone, who shook the man's hand and left to file the papers.

Team Seven turned to stare at their blond teammate.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Iruka accepted the scroll initialed complete by Kakashi and handed him a payment chit. "Excellent, the city workers are anxious to repair the area but needed the completed survey first."

Naruto handed Iruka a map. "Repairs have already been completed, have them compare maps with this one and let me know if they need anything more done."

Iruka examined the map. "Trying your hand at construction?"

"shadow-clones mean I'm a one man work site," Naruto said with a grin. "It's even more fun to build things than it is to blow things up."

"Now that's what I like to hear," Iruka said proud of his former student. "Oh, the Hokage will see you now."

Naruto nodded, he'd figured that Kakashi had some unnoticeable way of sending word ahead.

"Hey, old man," Naruto said cheerfully as they entered the Hokage's office. "You wanted to see me?" Naruto got a rush of memories from a clone dismissing itself letting him know a dozen ANBU were surveying the sewers and his secret rooms.

"Naruto," the Hokage replied cheerfully. "What's this I hear about you building an underground kingdom?"

Naruto laughed and pulled a map out of his pouch that he spread out on the Hokage's desk. "Hardly, but I legally own nearly everything beneath the warehouse district in exchange for plumbing and foundation reinforcements with a little electrical work here and there." Naruto handed him one of the contract blanks he used.

"Unbelievable," Sarutobi said as he looked over the contract and then back to the map five minutes later. A cow masked ANBU appeared and placed a report on his desk before vanishing once more. He quickly paged through it and looked at Naruto over the tops of his glasses. "Fully furnished with both shower and tub?"

"If you'll check the contract you'll see I get salvage rights on all goods found below the surface. Thanks to stasis seals being so cheap in nin villages the majority of cargo that was in those collapsed and sealed basements were intact."

"I could house all of T & I and ANBU in there," the Hokage said.

"Those blank sections marked off next to each one are empty rooms. There was a lot more room than I had furniture for, so I walled them off for later use."

The Hokage looked over the map again and drummed his fingers on his desk for a minute before replying, "Having all your eggs in one basket is rarely a good idea."

"Point," Naruto conceded. As much fun as it was to build and furnish the equivalent of an apartment complex he really didn't need it. What he needed was a fraction of that amount spread throughout the village.

"What'll you take for it?" Sarutobi asked.

Naruto marked off one large square in the center and a small one on the edge of the warehouse district.

"Training area and fallback?"

"Yep. The rest of the area I can let go, since I mostly just got carried away building things, but those two were why I was there in the first place."

"Agreed," the old man said lighting his pipe. "How much for the rest?"

"Free passage below ground, access to everything in the civilian department dealing with the sewers, and free reign to file my hideouts with you alone," Naruto said after a moment's thought.

"Done and done," Sarutobi said shaking his hand.

"I also wouldn't mind access to our corp of engineers," Naruto said, "but that's just curiosity."

"Our what now?" Sarutobi asked.

"Ninja corp of engineers," Naruto said. "Destroying things is fun and all but a good construction corps can make a huge difference in war and peace. You mean we don't have one?"

"Ninja builders?" Sasuke asked doubtfully. "How would they be useful?"

"How would they be useful?" Naruto asked in shock. "A group of nin who can build fortification and bridges in war are invaluable. Let the enemy destroy or take a bridge thinking it's gaining them an edge while you're actually building another one where it helps you? Plus, who better to take things apart than one who knows how it's put together?"

"And in peacetime?" the Hokage asked curiously.

"Emergency dams, shelter, bridges," Naruto rattled off. "How much good will would we generate saving a town from a flood or providing shelter after a disaster?"

"And you assumed we'd have something like that?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. "The benefits are obvious and it's a good place for nin who are loyal, but lack killer instinct. Haven't you ever run across nin who are great at jutsu, but lousy at killing?"

"A fair amount," the Hokage agreed.

"Bet they don't have any moral problems supporting their fellow nin or attacking enemy structures."

"I've run into a couple," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "They make great backup."

"See?" Naruto said. "They already exist, it's just not formalized. Imagine how much more effective they'd be if they were given those jobs and worked with each other on jutsu designed for that purpose."

"Would you be interested in that position?" the hokage asked, thinking that Naruto might have been talking about himself with the amount of thought he'd put into the subject.

"Nope, though I would like to get in on any good will missions like that, cause I could really use the good karma."

"I'll make a note of it," Sarutobi promised. "Now, go enjoy your lunch."

"Will do, old man," Naruto replied cheerfully as he left to get lunch with the rest of team seven following along.

Sarutobi turned to the cat masked ANBU in the corner of the room. "Tell Ibiki about Naruto's idea of an engineering corp and have him check on the feasibility of it."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

By the time Team Seven had caught up with Naruto he was on his second bowl of ramen.

"Well, today has been full of surprises," Kakashi said as they took seats at the counter next to Naruto.

"Yep," Naruto agreed. "Just remember the events of today's mission are classified. A rank, unless I miss my guess."

"The Hokage didn't say anything about that," Sakura said with a frown.

"That's because he trusts me to do it," Kakashi said signaling for a bowl.

"I'm on a diet," Sakura said waving off the waitress.

"Well?" Naruto said after a moment's silence.

"I'll give a lecture on security after lunch," Kakashi assured him.

Naruto sighed. "I meant about Sakura."

"What about me?" Sakura asked.

"You're our sensei," Naruto said, ignoring her question. "It's your job to prevent us from making mistakes that can get us killed."

"The problem will correct itself long before that," Kakashi assured him.

"Unless you can see the future you can't guarantee that," Naruto groaned. "This just sounds like laziness."

"Then you'll really hate what I'm about to say next," Kakashi said, the corner of his one visible eye curling up. "You've got the rest of this week free."

"Why?" Naruto asked suspiciously.

"Because I'm going to go over your files with a fine toothed comb and then I'm going to do the same with your academy teachers."

"That… that's actually a decent reason," Naruto admitted. "Mind if I spend the next six days increasing my teammates' chakra slowly?"

"What's the plan?" Kakashi asked.

"Wall, tree, water," Naruto rattled off. "And some cooperative games where they have to put themselves in their teammates' shoes and still complete missions."

"Agreed," Kakashi said thoughtfully, before vanishing and leaving Naruto with the bill.

Sakura and Sasuke just stared in shock until Naruto broke them out of it, "You heard the man, your asses are mine for the next six days. Pack for camping, but I'll supply food. Expect to suffer near complete chakra exhaustion on a daily basis, but by next Monday you'll be begging for more control exercises to keep up with your growing chakra supply.

Sakura looked horrified while Sasuke looked hopeful. "You can really pull this off?"

"Easily," Naruto said. "But I'm not kidding about the chakra exhaustion. Your week is going to consist of pain and sleep."

"Excellent, back in ten," Sasuke said before leaving.

Sakura gave Naruto a sickly smile.

"Remember to bring a sleeping bag that can zip together with another one, because it'll be easier to monitor you two if you're sharing one big bag."

Sakura vanished almost as quickly as if she had teleported.

Ayame chuckled and gave Naruto the bill for everyone's ramen.

Naruto laughed and paid it.

He'd started out trying to change what team he was on and now here he was making the steps to change his team instead. Privately he could admit he missed the days he was living now, if that made any sense, but he was still going to change them beyond any possible resemblance to who they had been going to become.

"One more for the road," he decided.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!**


	59. Chapter 59

**Naruto's Apartment**

Naruto hit the ground with a thud, just outside the painted ring.

"Damn, how'd you trip me? I was watching for your feet this time," Naruto questioned, as Iruka scored Kiba's point two of three, meaning he'd won the match.

There was a bark from near Naruto's feet and he saw Akamaru sitting there wagging his tail proudly.

"Well good job, Akamaru. I'll give you a point for that," Naruto admitted, liking the puppy more than its partner and unwilling to insult him, where normally he'd have contested any loss.

"Between the two of us we are unstoppable!" Kiba bragged. "Best friend, partner and permanent pal! I don't know how you guys live without a partner."

Shino stepped into the ring opposite Ami, a dark haired girl with a surprising grasp of taijutsu. "He has a few himself," Kiba snickered.

Ami just snorted. "A couple of bugs aren't going to scare me."

"Begin," Iruka ordered as everyone watched the match.

Ami stepped forward and threw a punch that sank into Shino's chest and burst out his back, to everyone's surprise and horror.

Ami froze until Shino's form began to melt into thousands of little black bugs that swarmed her arm, causing her to scream and run outside the circle. In fact, Ami didn't stop running, her scream fading into the distance. Everyone waited until it became obvious that she wasn't coming back.

"Shino, it looks like you win," Iruka said turning to the bug nin, who had quickly reformed.

The Shino in the ring just stared at Iruka expressionlessly as another Shino stepped forward from the crowd. "I was in the bathroom. What did I miss?"

Everyone stared at Shino and then turned to the one in the ring, who dissolved into a swarm that vanished into the folds of his jacket.

Tilting his head to the side, Shino seemed to be listening to something no one else could hear, before he straightened up and spoke, "Sorry, my hive was watching my place in line and they decided they didn't need my help, as they outnumbered her by thousands to one."

"OK, I'll admit that was pretty badass," Kiba said, "but just you wait, when Akamaru gets big enough we'll be able to use our clan's clone technique and blow yours out of the water."

Shino shrugged. "While your clan's technique is admittedly better at causing straightforward damage, mine was designed to take advantage of a human's natural response to the hive's appearance."

"Huh?" Kiba and Naruto asked.

"Your clone could kick my clone's ass, but mine freaks people out," Shino deadpanned.

"Ohh!"

"How do you do it?" Naruto asked, knowing that clones were his biggest weakness and what had tripped him up last year.

"You'd need a hive to be able to perform it, Naruto."

"Yeah, you'd need a pal like Akamaru to do mine too," Kiba chimed in.

"So how do you get partners?" Naruto asked.

"It's a family thing," Kiba said, not thinking about what he'd said and how it would affect Naruto, until Akamaru nipped his ankle and barked something at him.

Shino spoke up before the wincing Kiba could open his mouth and make it worse, "He means our clans have specially bred our partners for generations. They have strengths that normal animals or insects do not. They have become family in a way and no clan shares them with outsiders unless they marry into the clan."

"But they had to start somewhere right?" Naruto asked, latching onto the idea that he could start his own clan and have family and a friend who'd always be around, not to mention kick ass new moves.

"The original founders used massively inefficient methods that resulted in a significant drain on their resources with no guarantee of recouping the investment," Shino warned.

Naruto turned to Kiba. "What?"

"Don't look at me, I didn't get it either. I was just going to say it took a lot of hard work and a lot of shots in the dark to find out what worked and what didn't, and if they hadn't got lucky a time or two it would all have been wasted effort," Kiba explained.

"That's basically what I said," Shino added, "but I would also like to point out…" he paused before continuing making sure he had the wording correct, "the animals or insects used, wasted most of the chakra that was fed to them. It was only after several generations that they 'learned' to use chakra right."

Kiba nodded. "Yeah, and insects go through generations faster than dogs. The big breakthrough for my clan was our clone jutsu. The Man-Beast clone jutsu added a whole new level of chakra mixing, cause it allowed some of our partners' chakra to flow into us, unlike everyone else whose clans only feed chakra to their partners. By actually mixing our chakra, we gain some of the traits of our partners, just as they've gained some of ours. It's our bloodline as the traits breed true. Hell, until I spent enough time around you to make sure, I thought you might be related to me."

"What? Me?" Naruto asked shocked.

"Yeah, you bozo." Kiba grinned. "Your teeth are a lot like my clans, your nails are a bit thicker than normal and the hair ain't too shabby either."

"How do you know I'm not?"

"Because your canines are sharper than my clans and you don't have the heavier jaw we get. You are similar in some ways, but different in others, it's like you come from a clan like mine, but one that chose a different animal."

"Is that possible?" Shino asked.

"I've asked my mom and she said we are the only clan in Konoha to bond animals, so I'm guessing, seeing as Naruto is an orphan, that maybe his mom was sent on an infiltration mission and got pregnant. It happens enough that it's likely and if she was spying on a village with a clan of nin that chose a different animal than we did it'd explain things."

"But then…what happened to her?" Naruto asked, getting caught up in the idea.

"There are several possibilities that spring to mind," Shino said. "She could have died in childbirth, or on a mission shortly afterwards, leaving you an orphan."

"But then why would the old man say no one knew who my parents were?" Naruto asked.

"Your mother could have enemies that would come after you, so saying no one knows keeps you safe," Kiba said.

"On the other side, maybe she was on an infiltrator who got pregnant during her insertion and they only discovered it when she died in childbirth, so they never really knew who she was," Shino offered.

"So my mom might not have been a Konoha nin?" Naruto asked.

"It's possible," Shino admitted.

"It'd explain why some people glare at you," Kiba said. "If she was a really kickass ninja from another village who caused a lot of damage to the village before she was found out the glares make sense."

"Well that sucks," Naruto muttered. "She died without telling me what kind of animal I use and the old man said he doesn't know who my parents are, so that means no one knows."

"Unless they were specifically bred over generations, all animals and insects are about the same usefulness to start with," Shino pointed out.

"So it really doesn't matter what I chose, even though my family mixed chakra with some specific animal type?"

"Exactly," Kiba said. "The changes occur over generations, so you can start with any animal you like."

"So how do you bond them?" Naruto asked.

Shino and Kiba froze for a second.

"Clan secrets?" Naruto asked, his shoulders slumping when they nodded.

"Sorry man, I didn't even think about it before I encouraged you," Kiba apologized.

"I too forgot you would need techniques that your mother did not get a chance to pass down to you, but I don't think we should give up just yet," Shino said.

"What do you mean? My mom will kill me if I give out clan jutsu and even though your clan is probably not as likely to strangle you before you can explain yourself, they'll still be pissed!" Kiba exclaimed.

"I don't want you guys to get in trouble," Naruto broke in.

"We won't, because what you need isn't clan specific jutsu. What you need is the basic jutsu that our clans both used to start the bonding process," Shino explained. "And since both our clans, and presumably any other nin clans having partners of a similar nature, know the jutsu then it is not a clan specific jutsu. We can show you this without breaking our families trust, but after this you're on your own."

"That'd be great guys!" Naruto said happily.

"We're running low on time, so the final match will be a three way competition between Shino, Kiba and Sasuke," Iruka announced to the cheers of the fangirls who immediately started in, talking about how Sasuke would defeat them both easily.

Kiba growled, hating the way the fangirls were talking, but privately admitting that beating Sasuke was a longshot even if he wasn't fighting Shino at the same time.

Shino seemed to weather it without any outward sign of annoyance, but his jacket was hissing.

"You guys could team up and kick his ass," Naruto said with a grin. "Then plan jan ken pon for the winner."

Shino looked over at Kiba and saw his growing smile. "That would be acceptable, although I think playing jan ken pon would be adding insult to injury."

Kiba looked even happier at Shino's announcement. The chance to come in first was nice, but the chance to come in above the guy you never beat was even better, especially if you could rub his nose in it.

"I'll hit him high while you hit him low," Shino said before they joined Sasuke in the ring.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: I was considering doing a Naruto version of Joe's Apartment.**


	60. Chapter 60

**Chili Con Carne**

"Three wishes?" John asked, stunned.

"Yes, three," she agreed. The she of course being the floating girl with the hair made of flame and the dusky skin wearing the harem outfit.

"Immortality, surrounded by women, your freedom," he quickly rattled off.

"What?" Now it was her turn to be shocked.

"My wishes," he replied.

"Your third wish is for my freedom?" she asked, to make sure she had heard him correctly.

"Yep. I think that's the way the story is supposed to go, a couple of wishes that are selfish and shortsighted, followed by a selfless act to show the lesson has been learned."

She stood well over 10 feet tall, in fact he was pretty sure if he walked straight forward he'd burn his tongue, with hair of flame, red eyes, ivory tusks and the biggest rack he'd seen in his life, outside the internet of course.

"No running and screaming?" she asked in surprise.

Wiping off the drool with the back of his hand he shook his head. "Was I supposed to?"

"Well you did just free a very powerful spirit of fire and air."

"And?" he asked confused.

"Aren't you afraid I'll seek vengeance for being trapped?"

"I didn't trap you," John pointed out, "and you don't look like an irrational moron that would decide one human was as good as the next. No, if you got vengeance it would be on the bastard that trapped you. Of course the best revenge is living well, but at least part of that should be rubbing it in the guy's face."

"You've thought a lot about this," she replied in surprise.

"I read fanfiction and a lot of them have tackled the possibilities in their stories."

"Oh. I guess you want an explanation for the golden bracers you're wearing then."

John looked down and discovered he was now wearing the bracers she'd had on. Taking a closer look he discovered they were covered in very tiny writing, none of which was English. "Yeah, that would be nice."

"Whoever frees the slave of the lamp, becomes the slave of the lamp," she explained.

"So I can grant wishes now?"

"It doesn't grant you any powers, sorry. The bracelets make you the slave of whoever rubs the lamp. You have to grant them three wishes, but that's limited to things you can actually do."

"Well, that's what I get for buying a magic lamp on EBay," John muttered.

"Sorry about that," she apologized.

"Not your fault. So, what happens now?"

"You have to perform a personal service to me, but only one, and it doesn't have to be a big thing, and then I'll finish granting your wishes."

"Really?" he perked up. "Can I pick the service?"

"Sure."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Keitaro?" Haruka asked as she spotted him sitting in front of her tea shop.

"Yes, Aunty Haruka?" he replied, sidestepping the swipe with a paper fan he knew had been coming.

"Don't call me that, it makes me feel old!"

Keitaro gave her a look that made her blush before saying, "You're definitely not a child, but old? I don't think so."

"Flatterer," she replied, before lighting up a cigarette.

"So, any idea why Granny asked me to come here?"

"I believe she wants you to run the place while she tours the world," Haruka replied.

"I've never run an inn before."

"It's not an inn anymore. Granny turned it into a female dorm."

He groaned. "I guess I'll try and talk her out of it then, the last thing I need is to be stuck in a situation that reads like a TV sitcom," he snarked.

"Actually, she left yesterday," Haruka said with a grin. "Probably so you couldn't talk her out of it."

"Sneaky old lady," Keitaro said shaking his head. "Well I guess I best check in and see what I have to do."

"I better come with you, so there's no misunderstandings," Haruka said. "The girls can be a bit…excitable."

"Joy," Keitaro deadpanned, climbing to his feet and picking up his suitcase. "This has bad idea written all over it."

"It won't be that bad…probably."

"That makes me feel loads better," Keitaro replied dryly.

"Why, I bet there won't even be a laugh track."

Keitaro chuckled as they climbed the long stone steps leading up to the Hinata Inn.

"So, what's with the wrist jewelry?" Haruka asked, as she opened the front door and exchanged their shoes for house slippers.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he replied with a sigh.

"That bad?" she asked in surprise, as she lead him into the living room.

"Worse," he replied, knowing that anyone getting their hands on his bottle were going to be nothing but trouble.

Seeing as how he didn't want to talk about it, Haruka let it drop.

"Other than being a bit worn about the edges, this place doesn't look too bad," he said as they sat on the couch.

"It's not," Haruka assured him. "Mostly it's just cleaning and upkeep, thought the women's side of the hot springs needs to be cleaned and repaired."

"As long as it's simple repair work I should be able to handle it, and at least the men's side works, because after the day I've had I could use a relaxing soak."

"I was going to suggest waiting for the residents to arrive, but a soak does sound nice." Standing up she waved to him, "come on, it'll be just like old times."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Except this time I won't be trying to impress you with my peeing for distance record."

Haruka laughed.

"I still can't believe you won," he muttered.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naru squinted as she spotted someone in the steam, figuring Mitsune was the most likely suspect she quickly jumped in her lap. "Hey, Mitsune! I think my breasts have gotten bigger, what do you think?"

Haruka just raised an eyebrow, as Naru grabbed one of her nephew's hands and forced him to grope her.

"What's poking me?" Naru asked, before reaching down and discovering she'd jumped on a guy's lap.

"Pervert! Peeping Tom!" she screamed before swinging blindly missing Keitaro completely, who'd ducked underwater, before jumping up and running off.

Keitaro resurfaced. "And here I'd thought my luck had changed for a moment."

"Apparently not," Haruka replied dryly, thankful Keitaro couldn't see the way her lips twitched in amusement.

"Where are you, pervert!" Mokoto yelled as she rushed into the spring, sword at the ready.

"She ran out of here after molesting me," Keitaro said.

"Evil cutting sword!" Motoko called out, using one of her school's special attacks the moment she saw him.

Keitaro blinked at the bright slash of Ki just before it smashed him into a rock and sent him into unconsciousness.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The police should be called!" a female voice yelled.

"I couldn't agree more," Keitaro said as he sat up on the cement. "I don't know whether it was attempted robbery or a blackmail scheme, but I fully intend to press charges on the girl that jumped on me and groped me, before calling in her accomplice to render me unconscious."

"What?!" screeched a pair of voices.

Keitaro chuckled and was happy to find he was still wearing his towel. "Aunt Haruka, can you get my glasses, I'm blind without them and that thug who attacked me is probably still lurking about."

"Thug?!" a female voice screeched.

"Yeah, probably some Yakuza wannabe who scammed his way into learning a Ki attack. Definitely not any sort of martial artist, since the attack was targeted at an unarmed person, making no threatening movements, who can't see past the end of his nose," Keitaro said shaking his head.

"And if she had attacked because of a friend who was yelling about a pervert assaulting her, spotted someone out of place and mistook the glint of metal under the water for a weapon beneath the surface and used a non-lethal attack?" a female voice asked in clipped tones, clearly angry but controlling it.

"That would move her from thug to master level martial artist with apprentice level instincts which is both better and worse," he said with a frown.

Haruka handed him his glasses.

"Thanks," he said putting them on and finding he was almost surrounded by young women.

"Why would it be worse?" a blond haired girl with a dark tan asked curiously.

"Because they'd be unbalanced. An apprentice hesitates and then decides what to use in different situations, but you only get to master level by overcoming that hesitation and learning to trust your skills and instincts. However, especially gifted students can learn skills long before they have the necessary instincts, which makes them dangerous to the people around them. There is generally two traditional ways to handle them, one; send them on a masters quest so they are forced to develop their instincts or die, and two; expel them from the school for a time in the hopes that they mature enough to develop their own instincts when forced to stand on their own two feet."

"Nicely said," Haruka agreed. "Keitaro allow me to introduce you to the girls. The girl who molested and assaulted you is Naru Narusegawa who is not usually so forward."

"I thought he was Mitsune, not some perverted peeking tom!" Naru protested.

"And thieves think everyone else is a thief," he protested dryly. "Does she feel up and peep on everyone?"

Haruka shook her head. "Mitsune is the only person she molests like that, as far as I know."

"So I don't have to worry about her jumping me all the time or trying to peep on me?"

"I'm not a pervert!" Naru yelled.

"I'll withhold judgment for now," Keitaro said. "I'm sure your day to day behavior with prove whether you are or not."

"The girl with the sword is Motoko Aoyama of the God's Cry school."

"I believe we've met," Keitaro said chuckling ruefully.

"Indeed," Motoko replied.

"That's Shinobu Maehara and Su Kaolla," Haruka said. "Shinobu does most of the cooking and Su creates all of the exploding mechanical turtles."

"Exploding mechanical turtles?" Keitaro asked.

"I'm working on Mecha-Tama three point four!" Su said excitedly.

"What about me?" the last girl spoke up, hands on her hips almost posing as she tried to draw Keitaro's attention to her lush curves.

"That's Mitsune, if she didn't go to school with Naru for the last four years I'd suspect she was a kitsune."

Naru groaned. "And it's your fault I jumped on him, I was trying to get you back for yesterday!"

Haruka rolled her eyes. "Anyway, everyone this is Keitaro, my cousin, who Grandma Hina has made the manager of the dorm while she's touring the world's hot springs."

"I will not allow it!" Motoko yelled, just as Naru began building her own head of steam.

"You will not allow it?" Keitaro asked his normally pleasant smile replaced by a cold glare.

"Who knows what-" Motoko began when Keitaro climbed to his feet and she found herself backing away.

"You dare stand in my ancestral home and tell me what you will and will not allow?!" Keitaro demanded.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Mitsune quickly interjected trying to play peacekeeper for once. "She just worries about us."

Keitaro nodded and stepped back. "I begin to see why you're here and not on a master's quest. I am the manager here, this you have no say over. In fact the only thing you have a say in is whether you chose to stay here, because I will be perfectly happy to turn this back into an inn."

"He will too," Haruka assured them after Keitaro had stormed off. "Generally he's a pushover, but when he sets his mind to something it's impossible to budge him."

"What do we do?" Shinobu worried, not wanting to go back to being the prize of the tug of war game her parents were having.

"Treat him kindly and he'll do the same to you," Haruka replied. "Treat him like an enemy and he'll kick your ass to the curb. He was a lot more forgiving when he was younger, but I guess he grew out of it. About time too," she finished with a smile much to everyone's shock.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: Was going for an SI but really since the main character isn't spending all his time reading and surfing the net, you can tell it's a generic insert character. I really shouldn't choose chapter titles when I'm hungry.**


	61. Chapter 61

**Equivalent Exchange?**

A girl with long red hair (and a figure not often seen outside of the cover of a playboy magazine) landed, easily detaching her chute and letting the wind carry it away into the sea.

A thin blond boy landed a moment later and duplicated her actions…almost.

Taking a pair of pants out of her backpack she tossed them to him.

"Thought I felt a draft," he muttered as his chute carried the pants he'd been wearing into the sea.

"Come on Ron, times a wasting."

"On it, K.P.," he replied putting on the pants and following her.

"Volcano lairs are so cliché," Kim said as she found a disguised air vent set into the side of the volcano and popped it open.

"Drakken's not exactly a font of originality," Ron pointed out as he followed her into the air duct. "But that just makes it easier to foil his numerous, unoriginal plans."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Unoriginal!" the blue skinned man exclaimed as he watched the two crawl through the air duct.

"Your plans to tend to follow similar lines," a green skinned woman replied as she filed her nails, unconcerned with the approaching duo.

"Well if Reggie-" he began.

"Ron," Shego replied without looking up.

"Whatever his name is," Dr. Drakken continued, "thinks everything has gotten boring and predictable, maybe I should add a little surprise for him!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Are we there yet?" Ron asked as Kim examined her Kimmunicator and the blueprints it displayed.

"Five more feet," Kim replied as they continued to the appropriate vent.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Done yet?" Shego asked as she popped her neck and stretched, preparing for yet another match with Kim Possible.

"Just a minute," he replied as he made adjustments to some sort of ray gun.

"Times up, Dr. Drakken!" Kim Possible announced as she dropped from a vent in the ceiling, doing a completely unnecessary somersault to land on the floor.

"Kimmy, it's so good of you to come," Shego said, her hands dripping green plasma. "I was afraid you were hung up in customs."

Kim smirked and the two started circling each other. "You know I'd never miss one of our little get togethers."

Opening banter complete the two rushed at each other, Shego leading with a series of hand strikes while Kim stuck to dodging and foot swipes to try and wear her down.

"Oops," Ron said as he fell out of the vent, his pants catching on something and leaving him hanging there for a moment before they tore and he fell leaving them dangling from the vent.

"Why does this always happen to me?" Ron complained.

Kim's eyes darted to her partner, her momentary distraction unnoticed by Shego, who was checking out Ron.

"One of these days he's going to lose those boxers too," Shego muttered.

"I swear he glues them on," Kim cursed.

Shego and Kim froze for a moment as they realized what the other had said, then they both decided to pretend the previous five seconds hadn't happened and returned to fighting.

"Well Robert-" Drakken announced.

"Ron!" everyone chorused.

"Whatever your name is! I have discovered a way to rid myself of Kim's accursed presence once and for all!" Drakken continued before breaking out into maniacal laughter. "But first let me test it on you!"

"No!" Kim yelled, wondering why her voice echoed for a second.

"Yes!" Drakken cried as he pointed his ray gun at Ron. "This little beauty will…well I'm not quite sure what it'll do to you, so surprise!"

A bright white beam slammed into Ron, throwing him into a bank of computers, causing several to explode.

"Ron!" Kim yelled, ignoring the echo.

A figure stepped forward obscured by the smoke of burning computers.

"I told you past life regression was a piece of crap," Shego called out.

"I know," Drakken yelled. "But using the quantum stabilizer it should have done… something!"

The smoke cleared, showing a much changed Ron. His hair was a dark brown and was taller, with broad shoulders and muscles that had certainly been absent earlier, but it was the patch over his left eye that drew Kim's attention. 'What had that ray done?'

"Ron?" Kim asked worriedly, ignoring Shego.

"Yeah…" he trailed off frowning.

"Well that was a bust," Drakken complained throwing down the ray gun which shattered. "All that and Rodney is still here!"

"It's Ron… I think," the one eyed man replied.

"Well at least I put out one of your eyes," Drakken tried to console himself.

"You," Ron growled reaching into one of his pockets. "Say hello to my little friend!" he said in a fake Italian accent, pulling out a six inch tall figure.

"What is that?" Drakken asked staring at what looked like a mummified Viking warrior who had a series of wires cutting into the dried flesh on his skull like face.

"Fear me!" the tiny figure bellowed, its voice sounding like it should be coming from something twenty feet tall.

Drakken screamed like a little girl as the tiny figure leapt to the floor and ran towards him.

"Are you OK?" Kim asked worriedly.

"I feel OK, though still a bit… fuzzy," Ron admitted.

"What did Drakken do?" Kim demanded, whirling on Shego.

"You know as much as me!" Shego shot back. "What is that thing you sicced on Drakken?"

"Pet fear demon," the one eyed man replied casually.

"It's not going to devour his soul or anything is it?" Shego asked, over the sounds of Drakken's girly screams.

"Nah," he waved it off.

"I'll devour your soul!" the tiny demon roared, shaking the walls as it drug the blue skinned scientist down behind a control panel.

Shego shot a betrayed look at him.

"It nibbles," he assured her. "It's a nibbler; it's only saying that to scare him. It feeds on fear."

"Oh," Shego replied, ignoring the sounds of a scientist getting his ass handed to him coming from behind the control panel.

"So…you're still you?" Kim asked hopefully.

"Mostly…kinda," he replied. "I remember being Ron, but I also remember being someone else, and both lives have a lot in common."

"Well it was supposed to turn you into an alternate of yourself I think," Shego replied. "Of course I thought it was just another hair brained scheme that was going to backfire on him."

*Self-Destruct in Five minutes* a computerized voice announced.

"And that's our cue to leave," Kim announced.

"I guess I better save Drakken," Shego replied reluctantly.

"Yo, Gachnar!" he yelled out. "Time to go!"

The tiny fear demon scurried back to the one eyed man who stuck him in his shirt pocket.

"Kim clones!" Kim cursed aloud as they ran into the hall.

He strolled along behind her as she beat up her clones, sliding past them as he saw where the clones were being generated from and started working on it.

Kim frowned as the recent batch of clones attacked the existing clones, wondering what was going on. Seeing her friend monkeying with the machine that was creating all of the clones she walked over to him. "What are you doing?"

*Self-Destruct in Three minutes Fifteen seconds*

"Just making a few adjustments," he replied cheerfully as the machine churned out another batch of clones and they continued on their way with the latest batch clearing the way for them.

"So Ron and who?"

"My best friend, a red haired girl, gave me the name Xander in kindergarten because she couldn't pronounce Alexander."

"If we go by that your name should be Won," Kim said.

He laughed. "Xander was just so much cooler than Won."

"So what else was similar?" she asked as they calmly walked down the beach and stepped into an inflatable raft.

He thought for a moment as they rowed for the open sea, ignoring the explosions and smoke coming from the island. "Well I'm still the side kick and it's like you and me have split Willow's traits. See, we had me, Buffy and, Willow. Buffy was the blond cheerleader superhero, while me and Willow were the sidekicks. Willow had a crush on me and I had one on Buffy."

"Really?" Kim asked curiously, hitting the 'Busy' signal on her Kimmunicator so Wade wouldn't interrupt.

"Yeah, didn't really end well for any of us, but we were all still friends. My dates turned out to be demons or tried to kill me. Buffy insisted on dating guys we told her were evil and would end in tears," he shook his head.

"And Willow?"

"Became a lesbian."

"Wow," Kim said. "I don't think I share that trait."

"Yeah, I think I got that one," he said frowning thoughtfully.

"You're…" she trailed off.

"Seriously attracted to women," he said with a sigh.

Kim smacked him in the shoulder and started giggling.

"And we seem to have split Willow's brains, but then she always did have enough brains for half a dozen people."

"What's the deal with the demon?" Kim asked, pointing to the pocket Gachnar rested in.

"Someone accidentally summoned him during a frat party and Buffy smushed him. Later when I was racking my mind for something to help give me an edge, I remembered him and while he really isn't that big a help in combat, I kind of like him as a pet."

"A pet demon?"

He shrugged. "Pet cats and dogs get eaten or have accidents. We tried rats and fish, but that had mixed results. With him if anything happens I can just resummon him, plus it keeps people from stealing my boxers."

"That is all sorts of confusing."

"We have brand X and brand R cola, both made from the soul RX. We create both from the same soul, just mix them differently. Later we pour some into each. Brand R cola pours say sixty eight percent of itself into brand X who does the same back. Still brand R here, just with a different flavor."

"I'm more confused now."

"Ok, I lived a whole 'nother life in addition to my own, growing in various ways and now I'm back, same person more experienced and changed what I like to be called."

"Can I call you Ron?" she pleaded, afraid she'd lost her friend.

He sighed. "Ron is fine as it is my name."

"So you're still Ron?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm still Ron," he reassured her. "Or do I need to remind you of what happened that summer when we were eleven and you didn't think you needed a new swimsuit?"

Kim turned bright red. "You promised never to mention that!"

"Actually I swore never to mention that to your parents," Ron corrected her with a grin. "And I don't see them here."

"Ok, I better check in with Wade," Kim said flipping on her Kimmunicator.

"Kim," Wade greeted her from the tiny screen. "How'd it go?"

"Ron got zapped and is almost a new person, but everything else went as planned."

"Wade," Ron called from over Kim's shoulder. "Buy Drakken's island fortress for me. Use a cutout and make it look like a bunch of deep sea fisherman want it and haven't got the word it's been sunk. Drakken should let it go for a song."

Wade's fingers danced over the keys as quickly as Willow's ever did. A minute later he nodded. "Done."

"Why do you want a sunken island?" Kim asked. "I mean self-destructing bases are the only thing Drakken got right. That island should be underwater rubble by now."

"Nah, had the Kim clones disable the self-destruct and use his stored munitions to fake it."

Kim looked back but the island was still wreathed in smoke. "So you'll have your own private island?"

"Yep," Ron replied cheerfully. "And thanks to the volcano it has free geothermal energy, so I don't have any utility costs."

"How long have you been planning this?" Kim asked.

"since walking out of the smoke. I always wanted my own tropical island paradise and since we were going to make Drakken destroy it anyway, I decided to get one in mint condition at fire sale prices."

"He's probably long gone by now," Kim said. "But he's going to notice and check when he sees that the gate device is still intact."

"The clones were also ordered to change the gate frequency. If Drakken checks he'll find no gate and think it was destroyed."

"Too bad the energy costs for using a gate are so high or it'd be perfect for beach parties," Wade said with a sigh.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "You'd need something along the lines of a geothermal tap on a volcano or something to make it affordable."

Wade and Kim stared at the grinning teen.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: A bit of a different setup to mix two different characters than the standard YAHF.**


	62. Chapter 62

**The Betas**

The group was gathered at the Magic Shoppe for the usual Saturday night.

"As you'll recall I do have a firm grasp on temporal magics," Anya began.

"Didn't that spell misfire and summon a vampire version of Willow?" Giles asked dryly.

"Yes, but that was because I'd overestimated Willow's current skill level and she interrupted the spell in mid cast," Anya replied.

"I could pull it off now, easy," Willow said firmly, not wanting to be reminded of how she used to be.

"Good, because I'll need your help for this," Anya said unrolling a scroll with a complicated spell on it and placing it on the counter.

"What is this?" Giles asked pulling out his glasses.

"I have told you about the many vacations I took with Hallie," Anya pointed out. "Didn't any of you wonder how we managed that while working for a demon lord not exactly known for his generosity?"

"Nope," Xander replied easily. "I figured they were all working vacations."

"I never put much thought into it," Buffy said to a chorus of agreements.

"Well the way I did it was this spell," Anya replied. "It teleports us not only to where, but to when as well. So we leap a month back and have a nice long vacation without suffering any loss of business."

"Whoa!" Xander said impressed.

"A month vacation in the middle of the year..." Buffy trailed off wistfully. "I didn't think I can afford it."

"I'll cover it," Xander said. "We could all use the break and this is the only way we can do that and keep the Hellmouth covered."

"You have cast this spell before?" Giles asked curiously, thinking that if the spell was safe enough it might be just what Buffy needed right now.

"Repeatedly," Anya said. "Normally I wouldn't include you all, because it cuts into my naked Xander time, but we at least need Willow because of the power requirements and Buffy because I like the Hellmouth closed and she's looked a bit tired lately."

"Thanks," Buffy said dryly.

"You're welcome," Anya said cheerfully, completely missing the sarcasm.

"Room for one more?" Spike asked, not expecting a positive answer.

"Yeah," Xander replied, thinking of how much Spike had helped with Glory.

"Seriously?" Spiked asked in shock.

"Your dues in the Scoobies are paid up," Xander said with a sigh, hating having to say it aloud.

"Where would we go for a month and can we play the lottery?" Dawn asked.

"We have to go far enough away to avoid temporal ripples and paradox, so no contact with home or buying lottery tickets," Anya said forcefully.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"What's with the cooler?" Buffy asked Xander, who was sitting on a family sized cooler as they gathered with all their luggage.

"Soda, Sandwiches, and such," he replied. "It just doesn't feel like a vacation unless I have a cooler for a picnic."

"You look like Van Hellsing," Dawn told Spike, who was wearing a wide brimmed leather hat and gloves in addition to his ever-present leather coat.

"Just don't want to catch fire if our arrival time is off by a couple of hours," Spike said reasonably.

"And the crossbow and weapons?" Dawn asked with a smirk.

"It completes the outfit," Spike admitted. "It was a good movie, alright?"

"I blame you," Giles told Xander.

"What? How is it my fault?" Xander demanded.

"You've corrupted him," Giles said.

"Let's get started on the spell," Anya said. "We can argue about Xander's ability to taint demons with humanity later."

"Everyone in the circle while we double check," Willow ordered.

"I've always wanted to go to Disney World," Dawn said.

"Looks good," Willow said after rechecking the calculations and circle.

"Agreed," Giles said after he'd finished his own check.

"I can't find any mistakes," Tara added.

"We should arrive just after sunset, giving us plenty of time to find lodgings without Spike catching fire," Anya said cheerfully. "Everyone ready for the Florida heat?"

The group of demon hunters, with the exception of Spike, were dressed for the beach in flip flops and swimwear.

"Silly question," Anya said cheerfully and began the spell, Willow and Tara quickly joining in.

The lines of chalk began to glow with an eerie luminescence as the spell progressed, a phantom wind whipping everyone's hair and causing Spike to put a hand on his hat. As the chanting reached a crescendo there was a flash of light and the image of three teen males appeared before them, right before they vanished with a clap of thunder.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"It's done," Warren said proudly. "All it took was a touch of power to unbalance the spell and send them far, far away."

"We didn't send them to hell or anything, right?" Jonathan asked nervously.

"Anya had tons of safeguards built in," Andrew said shaking his head. "They probably ended up in an alternate timeline, lost like Sliders, but not dead."

"All that matters is they're not here," Warren said smugly. "Boys, the Hellmouth is ours!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The cold wind and snow tore at them like a living thing, stealing warmth from them. Fortunately they were only a few feet from a door and when it was found to be locked, or possibly frozen shut, Buffy simply broke the lock with a palm strike and drug her shivering sister inside as all the men grabbed the nearest witch and carried them inside as well.

The inside was as cold as the outside, but it was a lot more bearable without the wind. Everyone huddled together for warmth as they glanced around at where they were. Iced over windows provided enough light to see what looked like a medieval tavern.

"Fireplace!" Giles pointed out urgently.

"I've g-got a l-lighter," Spike said with an uncharacteristic stutter.

"Where's the wood and kindling?" Buffy demanded, bracing the door closed with a bench.

Xander quietly searched for paper, returning with a handful of menus while Buffy piled logs from a wooden bin into the fireplace.

"What happened?" Buffy asked, once they get the fire going and everyone had stopped shivering.

"Did you see three nerds?" Anya asked.

"Warren, the robot pimp and Jonathan who tried to kill himself when I was telepathic," Buffy agreed.

"The third one was Andrew," Xander agreed. "Tucker, the Hellhound guy's younger brother."

"So what's up with them?" Spike asked giving his coat to Dawn and Tara to huddle in.

"They interfered with the spell," Anya explained.

"I'm going to check to kitchen," Xander said. "I'll be right back."

"Don't wander off too far," Buffy ordered as he left.

"Where are we?" Dawn asked.

"Disneyland," Buffy replied holding up on of the menus Xander had brought her to show a familiar looking mouse but with Cyrillic lettering.

"Russia took over the US?" Spike guessed. "And why am I so bloody cold?"

"Nuclear winter?" Anya offered.

"That would explain much," Giles said.

"We're in an alternate timeline?" Tara asked, recalling a little of the temporal theories she'd read up on to help cast the spell.

"It looks that way," Willow said.

"No seriously, I'm a vampire we don't get cold," Spike said anxiously.

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asking grabbing one of his hands and examining it. "You've warm and have … a pulse?"

Spike pressed two fingers against his throat and felt the pulse.

"I'm alive?" he said in wonder.

"Anya?" Giles asked, wondering what all her safety features covered.

"I may have forgotten to account for transporting a vampire with us in my calculations," she admitted. "I put in fail safes to prevent death."

"And how did that reverse it?" Giles asked.

"Moving though a central point we are all one for a moment," Anya explained.

"Like the enjoining spell?" Buffy asked with a groan.

"Kinda, but completely not as well," Anya said.

"So, to sum it all up, I am alive, we're in a post nuclear Disneyland, probably the only people alive above ground in fact," Spike said.

"Can't we teleport home?" Dawn asked.

"Not enough power," Anya said with a sigh. "We're stuck! This is our new home now."

"It'll only take me a day or two to regain my strength," Willow argued.

"Without the Hellmouth to draw on you won't be able to get remotely near enough power," Anya disagreed.

"You were drawing on the Hellmouth?" Giles asked Willow in shock.

"I was drawing on the Hellmouth?!" Willow exclaimed. "I thought I was drawing on Gaea."

"Oh yes," Anya said. "Ask Tara."

"Tara?" Willow asked.

"I-I didn't know," Tara admitted. "I should know and it's on the tip of my tongue, but I don't know for some reason."

"Oh," Willow said quietly changing the subject," So we're stuck here?"

"How are we going to survive?" Dawn asked worriedly.

"Like a bloody wolf pack!" Spike said, doing his best to reassure her. "Primitive tribes have not only survived, but flourished in harsher conditions than these!"

"Really?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"That is true," Anya agreed. "The simplified social structure has allowed them to accomplish much, while modern day human would still be sitting around arguing."

"I'm not trying to go all 'Clan of the Cave Bear'" Spike said, "But I'm definitely the alpha male and It's obvious who the alpha female is," he said.

"Me!" Buffy and Willow chorused before locking eyes.

Xander returned almost ten minutes later, dragging a pair of duffel bags. "I hope everyone here is a Disney fan." He took in the scene with Willow and Buffy on either side Spike, glaring at one another, while Tara was staying as far from Willow as possible, while still being near the fire with Dawn comforting her. "What did I miss?"

"If we want to survive we'll have to mimic the primitive tribes," Giles said authoritatively.

"And Spike declared himself the alpha male," Xander guessed, "Leaving Buffy and Willow to argue on which one is the alpha female."

"Side effect of the spell means I'm alive," Spike said proudly.

"Then why aren't you moping?" Xander asked, distracted by several things running through his head at once.

"Why would I mope?"

"Aren't you tormented because of all the horrible things you did as a vampire?" Xander replied.

"Not really," Spike said honestly. "You have to be what you are. When I was a monster, I behaved as such, until you lot and Mad Maggie Walsh started changing me. I'm human now, which means I'll feel bad if I do something monstrous, but I don't have the urge to anymore and I'm not going to winge on about what a demon did that I remember. See, it wasn't me as I am now."

"I can actually understand that," Xander agreed. "Now about the whole … tribe thing –" he began.

"Xander," Giles interrupted. "Normally I applaud your humor, even when I'm pretending otherwise, however this time we can afford no dissension or jokes. For the sake of humanity, please just say you're with us on this."

"Everyone is in agreement?" Xander asked and everyone met his eyes and nodded. "And no one wants to hear what I have to say?

"Not this time," Buffy said.

"Sorry," Willow apologized.

"OK, fine," Xander agreed. "The two duffel bags are filled with clothes from the gift shop, sweats with Disney characters on them."

Everyone quickly put on sweats, grateful for the added warmth.

"Nice work," Spike told Xander giving his shoulder a squeeze and looking him dead in the eyes so he knew Spike meant it.

Xander found himself smiling, although he tried to tell himself it was in amusement and not because his contributions were being acknowledged. "Once we get bundled up, we can retrieve our bags from outside, which will give us enough food for a couple of days while we wait for the storm to pass so you guys can go hunting."

"On it," Spike said grabbing Willow and Buffy who were both wearing yellow track suits with Daisy Duck on them.

Dawn and Tara had chosen blue Baloo sweats, one of which Xander quickly put on himself.

The remaining two sets were of some pink hippo none of them recognized that Anya and Giles laid claim to and covered up with a pair of white bathrobes.

"I don't suppose they have beds in there?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"No, but I do recall air mattress and fresh towels," Xander told her.

"It's a start," Tara said softly.

"I'm not stupid enough to ask if you're OK," Xander told Tara, "But if you want to talk, I'm here."

"Thank you," she said. "I-I'm here for you too."

Xander's eyes darted over to where Giles and Anya were talking, standing very close together and acting very…familiar. "A lot can happen in a couple of minutes," he said.

"Come on," Dawn said pulling them into the kitchen while explaining to Xander everything the group had figured out.

"So those three are alphas, we three are betas, and Giles and Anya have taken up being shamen?" Xander finally said.

"Yeah, sorry," Dawn said.

"Better now than after we were married," Xander said with a sigh, a bit relieved and feeling guilty about it. "We were moving much too fast anyway. And in a complete change a subject, why have we become a tribe?" Everything seemed…off somehow.

"Because our best guess is we have ended up in an alternate timeline where Russia took over part of the US before rising tensions lead to nuclear war and a nuclear winter," Dawn explained. "And the spell isn't powerful enough to get us home from here, and Willow can't use the Hellmouth's power to do it."

"Oh, taken in that light I can see where this makes sense," he admitted.

"You knew something," Tara said.

"Yes I do," Xander agreed as they exited the kitchen and into the store room of the gift shop through a back passage.

"If we're in our own world, we'll return home after three months," Tara said.

"Does three months as 'Tribe' sounds fun?" Xander asked.

"I-it would give me time to try and straighten Willow out," Tara said.

"I thought you liked her bent," Xander teased.

Tara blushed. "I meant clean out the damage done by the Hellmouth and the sudden need to be alpha."

"Alpha is when your ego overrides your empathy," Xander said. "Trust me on that."

"You don't think she can change?" Tara asked, hearing something in his voice.

"After we met Buffy … she changed, or maybe I just never knew her, but she become all about being powerful and important. Love? That took a major dive in her priorities, or maybe It was just love of me."

"I feel like I should know the answers to all of this, but I've forgotten them," she said.

"We've got three months to clear our heads and relax without the world going to hell around us," Xander reminded her.

"The energy here feels very clean," Tara admitted. "It should be enough to draw out and cleanse any Hellmouth energies we've absorbed."

"That's the spirit," Xander said. "There is more than enough stored supplies to keep us warm and comfy, and if we need food, Spike or Buffy can hunt for some local game."

"Ah," Tara said with a smile, though a small one. "I'll just try to relax and enjoy the time off."

"I found a Russian scrabble set out front," Dawn said, poking her head inside the room. "Help me find a dictionary so we can play!"

"And we can learn Russian while we wait!" Xander said with a smile.

"That does sound fun," Tara said following dawn into the better lit but significantly colder shop.

They returned with boxes full of supplies, to find Giles and Anya tending the fire while the three 'alphas' looked through everyone's bags for anything useful.

"OK, I get the axe and the knives," Buffy told Xander. "For a Scooby vacation weapons are a must, but you're got, like a thousand condoms!"

"One thousand and fifty one," Xander said with a grin. "I like to mess with airport security and forgot that I picked that bag for just such an occasion."

"I say you're psychic," Spike disagreed. "In a world where we have no food, you bring on ice chest, no birth control, you bring condoms, and no way to defend ourselves, you bring weapons."

"Picnic, joke, and a habit." Xander shrugged. "But if it helps us, I'm glad I did it."

"I brought my birth control pills, a small can of mace, and four snickers bars," Dawn offered.

"I brought everything I'd need to ward a dozen motel rooms," Tara added. "I figured better safe than sorry. No food, but I did bring some tea."

"When daylight comes…"Spike trailed off with a big smile.

"If the storm has died down, you can see if there's a better place to stay or possibly raid for supplies," Xander finished for him.

"Yeah," Spike said with a wide smile. "Now let's turn a couple of these tables on their side so they'll reflect heat back on us from behind."

"All we have is air mattresses and beach towels," Xander said, "so that will really help keep us warm."

Xander and Tara slept with Dawn in between them, holding them tightly. It was obvious despite the brave front she put on, she was scared, even with their reassurances.

Giles and Anya slept close to the fire and Giles had to quietly convince her several times that sex would have to wait.

Spike slept between Buffy and Willow, both of whom lied half on top of him. Xander would have said Willow's behavior was out of character, but she'd changed a lot and he wasn't around her enough to really say anymore.

'Well,' Xander thought to himself, 'At least now I'll get a chance to get to know her again.'

**Typing by: AzureSky123**

**AN: Tabula Rasa was a great episode, but it ending way too quickly for my tastes. The idea of them losing their memories and trying different roles to discover who they were was a great one, but naturally the show screwed up the execution and tried to just emphasize how they all should play the same roles with little change so they wouldn't upset their 'girl power' fan base. Bah! I made some changes and now the gang has to figure out who they are again, even if they still remember who they were. Hopefully I got the feel of it right.**


	63. Chapter 63

**The Betas 2**

It took over a week for the storm to pass and everyone got used to the new status quo. Buffy and Willow fought over Spike, but it was all limited to verbal jousting and outdoing each other. Spike meanwhile got used to being human again with some help from Giles and Xander. Anya and Giles had managed to set some rules for one another that had her behaving much more reasonably in public and the pair vanishing several times a day. Dawn kept Xander and Tara as close as physically possible despite Xander assuring her they hadn't left their home dimension and that they'd be home in ninety days.

"Looks like clear skies," Spike said happily. "I'll scout ahead with Buffy. Willow, I need you to keep the others safe."

"On it," Willow swore.

"Everything packed and ready?" Anya asked the Betas.

"Everything," Xander agreed. "Once Buffy and Spike get the sledge onto the snow we can pull it easily. We should watch the duty free shop in under half an hour even if the weather turns bad and after that it's only a hop, skip, and a jump to the hotel and cabins."

"If the map is correct, and I don't see why it shouldn't be," Giles agreed.

"The portents all say we have at least half a day of clear skies," Anya said.

Xander opened the door, Giles had fixed the latch so they didn't have to worry about the wind blowing the door open in the middle of the night, and stepped aside so Buffy and Spike could carry out the table they'd turned into a sledge to carry all their stuff.

"Fire's out and cold," Dawn verified.

"Everything packed and present," Tara agreed after checking the restaurant, a job made much easier by an almost complete lack of furniture, most of it having been burned for warmth.

Xander grabbed the belts he tied to the sledge and pulled, stumbling forward when it moved across the snow like it was on greased rails. "Didn't expect it to move that easy," he said.

"Come on Buffy," Spike said. "You take right, I'll take left." The two moved ahead of the group examining the buildings.

"It really is a Russian Disneyland on ice," Dawn said, as she eyed the park in the daylight, squinting against the early morning sunlight reflected off the snow.

"I'm surprised there's no sign of looting," Giles said, walking on the left side of the sledge.

"Radiation and ice and snow, maybe a neutron bomb," Anya suggested. "I'm guessing everyone rushed home before the crisis hit and anyone left here… is probably a block of ice at this point."

"All clear," Buffy called out to Willow, who was keeping her eyes peeled and a small bag of sulfur, collected from matches, in her hand.

The gang stopped in front of a small shop.

"Why do we have a stop here on the list?" Giles asked Anya, as Xander popped the lock with a prybar he'd found in the supply room.

"I thought you put it on the list last night," Anya told Giles.

"Not me," Giles said.

"It was me," Xander said. "It's the best place to get some lighters, flammable liquids, and… cartons of cigs."

"I'm putting you in my will," Spike told Xander with a tear in his eye, careful rationing had still seen the end of his cigs two days ago.

"Alcohol and tobacco has many uses," Anya said thoughtfully.

The shop also sold luggage, so Spike simply packed a steamer trunk with his favorite vices while Anya and Giles did much the same. The Betas of course filled one of their own with whatever looked useful and Giles fiddled with the latch so the door would shut properly and the weather wouldn't destroy the shop's contents.

Spike and Buffy paused, stunned as they reached the end of the block before the others. "Whoa," they chorused.

"Whoa," Willow agreed just ahead of the rest of the Scoobs.

The creators of the park had built it around a hotel that had been designed to look like a genuine fairy tale castle. Covered in ice and with the light sparkling off it, it looked like it was made of dreams and magic.

"Fuck yeah, Whoa," Tara said in wonder to everyone's shock. She pulled the towel she was using to protect her head closed when everyone stared at her.

Laughter rang out from the group.

"You beat me to saying it by about half a second," Xander assured her, as he took her hand and continued on.

"Hope the inside matches the outside," Buffy said. "I would kill for an actual bed to sleep in."

"I decrypted enough of the brochure to assure you there are luxurious suites with king sized beds," Xander told her. "Also a rather large kitchen which should have dry goods, if nothing else."

"And?" Spike asked.

"And?" Xander asked innocently.

"I've known you long enough to know when you have something planned," Spikes said, taking out and reverently lighting a cigarette. "Ahh," he sighed happily.

"You won't believe me until you see it," Xander said.

"I like happy surprises," Dawn said.

"Everyone should be happy with this one," Xander promised.

Spike and Buffy picked up the sledge as they reached the drawbridge because there was no snow for it to glide over. Moving ahead, Xander and Tara pulled open a pair of glass doors that were almost completely devoid of ice, releasing a great deal of warm air, much to everyone's shock but Xander. The group quickly piled in, shutting the doors behind them and shedding their towel stuffed poofy exercise gear, basking in warmth.

"How?" Giles asked.

"Thermal vent," Willow said, her eyes wide. "It provides not just free heat, but power as well. The lights are on in here and if they have power and heat, they have…"

"Hot springs," Xander agreed.

"Hot baths," the women chorused. Bathing out of a bucket in front of a fire had not been a completely satisfactory affair, because of the temperature inside is not because of modesty.

"Lead me to a hot bath and I will love you forever," Tara swore to Xander.

"What she said," Dawn agreed.

"If the hot water works in the rooms, we really should bathe before entering the springs if they have them set up for communal bathing like they use in Japan," Giles suggested.

"Which rooms should we get?" Spike asked, the hotel was set up to cater thousands of people after all.

"Ones close to here for bathing, long term residence can wait until all our immediate needs are met," Anya suggested.

"Room 101," Spike said handing Giles an electric key for his room.

"Thank you," Giles said accepting the key and going to dig his bag with his toiletries out of the luggage along with Anya's.

"102," Spike said passing a key to Xander. "And 104," he said passing one to Dawn. Dawn tried to push it back to him, but he said, "Adjoining rooms, but it allows your sister to ignore it, and Red too."

"OK," Dawn said, grabbing Tara's hand and dragging her off after Xander to retrieve their own bags.

"I wonder if they have room service," Xander joked, when he had reached his room and gotten his stuff ready for a hot shower.

"What kind of services do you want?" Dawn asked, poking her head in from the bathroom the two rooms shared.

Xander almost jumped, but cleared his throat and played it off, "While I would love a burger, I'd love clean laundry more."

"There's probably a fur burger I could make," Dawn said thoughtfully. "But I think we would rather get clean right now, so get in here."

"Tara may not–" Xander began making his excuses. Sure, Dawn may not have meant anything sexual about getting him to bathe with them, but it was fairly intimate.

"Remember to bring your razor," Tara called out to Xander.

"OK," Xander submitted gracefully.

Bathing in front of fireplace had little privacy and the three cliques the Scooby's had formed had gotten used to doing nearly everything together. Holding a towel up and averting his eyes had given the girls some privacy or at least the illusion of it, and Tara had done the same in return for him. Dawn however would simply question them on any scars or whatever was on her mind at that instant, interjecting a sense of normality to the proceedings that they'd both appreciated.

The tub in the bathroom was longer than the one at his apartment, he was happy to see, (because the half sized tubs hotels usually had would have been a tight squeeze) as Tara adjusted the shower.

"Having someone else to shampoo your hair and wash your back makes a big difference," Dawn said when they all doing a final rinse.

"I need to shave my legs," Tara said thoughtfully. "Do you think I need to shave anything else? Willow liked me clean shaven," she admitted with a sigh. She still missed the redhead, but their few talks hadn't been promising.

"Trimmed but not topiary," Xander suggested. "As long as you avoid the 70's afro you're good, but definitely get the armpits."

"Do I need to shave?" Dawn asked, just wanting to be involved in the discussion.

"You should be good for another week," Tara guessed.

"And what's the vote on me growing a manly beard?" Xander joked.

"No!" the girls chorused and Tara grabbed the shaving cream while Dawn got the razor.

"Your garden could also use a trim," Tara suggested tactfully.

"And shave the balls," Dawn added. "What? I've seen porn movies, they look better bare. We shave legs and pits so you do face and balls."

"It seems fair," Tara agreed, giggling.

"Fine but it's really cold over there and if they turn blue I'll know which two girls to blame," he teased.

They met back in the lobby, wearing robes as all their clothes were dirty. No one had packed for a week in near arctic conditions so they'd ended up wearing everything they owned. Giles and Anya were the first ones there and had spent the time puzzling out a hotel map and writing translations on it.

"Please tell me you found the laundry room," Xander begged.

"Wasn't looking for it," Giles admitted, "But it should be easy to find, logically they'd have it at the base of the… service elevator where laundry cart return is."

"And do they have hot, soaking, Japanese style baths?" Dawn asked.

"More Greek or Roman style," Anya said showing them a brochure with pictures of the smooth marble tiles around the bath, and the matching marble benches in the water. "If we'd had the brochures in the restaurant they have available here, I'd have risked the weather."

"I say we grab laundry and see about getting our clothes cleaned before exploring," Xander suggested. "I don't feel like exploring while just wearing robes or while wearing dirty clothes. The baths sound nice, but now that I'm clean, I want clean clothes more."

"It wouldn't take long at all to do a couple of outfits for everyone," Tara suggested.

"The majority of the clothes can wait," Giles agreed, "Just having a set of clean clothes to wear would do wonder for my mood."

"No real rush, but actual clothes with pockets would be much safer to explore in," Anya agreed.

"If you don't mind I'll go fetch some now," Giles said, as he and Anya went to dig through the luggage to collect their clothes.

"Feed me, Seymour!" Dawn said while smiling hopefully at the pair.

"OK, food then laundry," Tara suggested.

"Where are the kitchen and the store room?" Xander asked. "We can see if they left anything edible, which considering everything else, I bet they have."

"And the dry foods would probably be safer than the canned goods," Dawn quoted something she'd heard Xander say before.

"Yup," he agreed. "And if you avoid dented cans you should be fine, according to most post nuclear war movies."

"I did a report on that survival tip in my biology class," Tara said, "Bacteria that cause either an excess of pressure or vacuum inside a can are readily visible that way and so should always be avoided. Also early canning methods made use of heavy metals that could contaminate foods if they were dented or damaged during storage."

"I have the sudden urge to get down on my knees and grovel against the carpet saying I'm not worthy," Xander said.

"You would get a good look up her robe that way," Dawn agreed.

Tara blushed, but quickly rallied, "Your goddess is hungry… that does not bring up good memories. Well, any solid memories really, it was … confusion and warmth. Kinda like my first seconds here was confusion and cold with a side order of exhaustion," Tara clasped both hands over her mouth and stared at the two wide eyed.

Xander and Dawn laughed and then apologized.

"That was some fine Willow babble," Xander told her, "And I'm a connoisseur from way back."

"Eating someone's heart gains their courage," Dawn said thoughtfully. "Which part of them do you have to eat to gain their babble?"

Xander and Tara both turned bright red.

"I get Tara blushing, but you?" Dawn asked Xander.

"It was during high school," Xander replied. "Years ago and long over with."

"And in a complete change of subject," Tara said, quoting Xander, "It's nice that it's warm in here and let's go find the kitchen."

"OK, but I had a real zinger about the whole 'indirect kiss' thing I am forced to just discard now," Dawn said.

It was not physically possible for the other two Betas to get any redder.

"And we appreciate your sacrifice," Xander said.

"And I'm not sure you aren't psychic considering the amount of food you packed in the ice chest, completely skipping the ice," Dawn said, changing the subject like Tara had asked.

"Since we were teleporting, I figured we could get ice where we were going, rather than have everything get soggy, and since that was the case I could bring powdered Tang and stuff you add water to," Xander explained. "And then I thought of that movie where they crashed in the Andes and the soccer team had to eat that guy, so I packed to avoid cannibalism."

"You have a very scary mind," Giles said.

"Better than resorting to cannibalism and eating Willow," Anya said.

"You've already decided who was going to get cooked first?" Dawn asked.

"On the first day," Anya agreed cheerfully. "Normally it would be a beta, but Xander would kill anyone who hurt either one of you and he's pretty handy in a crisis. Plus, we don't need three Alphas really."

"And on that note, let's go find some food of the non-cannibalistic variety," Xander suggested. "We will return for the laundry after lunch."

"Thank you," Giles said, going back to collecting dirty clothes.

Once the trio had departed, Anya turned to Rupert, "I've noted some more changes."

"As have I," Rupert agreed. "Everyone fell into their assigned roles far too easily. Look at the changes in Willow's behavior, not to mention Xander's."

"Willow has demonstrated strength near Slayer level, and so has Dawn," Anya added. "I have noted a slight increase in my own, but not to that extent."

"The spell that moved us here made us all one, but it didn't separate us along those lines," Rupert guessed. "I'm not sure if this omelet can be turned back into a carton of eggs."

"Everyone seems to be happier," Anya offered.

"I will admit I am," Rupert said taking her hand. "But what of Xander, Willow, and Tara?"

"Willow seems more at home now," Anya said. "Before she seemed… a bit out of place. Tara is smiling at Xander and Dawn more and more, and neither of them have a problem with it."

"We've all been very lucky," Giles decided. "Best we keep this to ourselves and simply let things be."

"I agree," Anya said.

Dawn eased the door looking into the service hall slowly so it wouldn't squeak. "OK, any comments?"

Xander shrugged and started off down the hall. "Giles was right, we all got really lucky."

"That's all you're going to say?" Tara asked.

Xander stopped and turned to the two girls and simply smiled until they blushed, before starting off again. "Yup," he said.

"Oh, look a change of subject!" Dawn said brightly. "What kind of food do you think they'll have?"

"McDonald's," Xander said cheerfully, making the two laughs. "I'm not kidding and fortunately for you two, I know how to work everything there."

"Then I want a 20 piece chicken nugget," Dawn said.

"With coke and fries!" Tara added.

"OK," Xander agreed opening a door into the dining room and freezing both girls in their tracks.

"Holy shit!" Dawn exclaimed, looking around at very familiar surroundings.

"You saw it in a brochure?" Tara guessed.

"Nope," Xander grinned and waved the two girls into the McDonald's restaurant.

"You figured out where we are and know more than you're telling?" Dawn guessed.

"Yep," he agreed, looking into the kitchen and starting warm up on several machines.

"Is the food still going to be good?" Dawn asked.

"Frozen food only suffers freezer-burn in most cases and that's without taking into account numerous preservatives and improvements in food storage," Xander explained. "Basically some of it may taste a bit stale, but it should still be good."

"If I ask, will you tell me how you know so much about this place?" Tara asked.

"Sure," Xander agreed, as he opened up a deep freezer and took out a bag of fries and nuggets, pausing before grabbing a second bag of nuggets.

Tara waited until he had the fries and the nuggets in their baskets, waiting for the oil to heat, before grabbing his head and holding it to her chest. "Why do you know so much about this place?"

"There was a special about failed Disney ventures," Xander replied. "Euro Disney has almost no costumers because of cultural snobs. Disney China barely got the castle and parking lot built before authorization was yanked from it. And finally, Disney Russia was built on a dormant volcano, saving ungodly amounts in power bills, only to find that shifting weather patterns meant the break in the nearly eternal storm surrounding the mountain was not a permanent one, fortunately they were given enough warning to evacuate."

There was a crashing noise in one of the machines, startling the two girls who had never worked fast food.

"Ice machines working," Xander said, ducking below the soda fountain and turning a couple of knobs.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I am so glad there were a lot of sweats in that gift shop," Buffy said, "And that Mom always makes me pack twice as much underwear as I expected to need."

"I'm glad Xander and Rupert were kind enough to share with me and help me adjust to being human again," Spike said.

"More alive than human," Anya corrected. "You still possess a lot of vampiric traits."

"Dhampir then," Spike said. "They never really existed, but I'm almost exactly how they were described as."

"Except for being in a parallel world trapped in nuclear winter, I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out," Buffy said. "All that's really missing is –"

"McD?" Dawn asked as the three Betas entered the lobby carrying bags of food and trays of sodas.

"Someone pinch me," Buffy said in shock. "Eeep!" Buffy jumped at least a foot. "Not there!"

"Then you should have been more specific," Willow said with a smirk completely unrepentant.

**Typing by: AzureSky123**


	64. Chapter 64

**Only the Good Die Young – Sunnydale**

"So… dragons?" Xander asked Giles anxiously; acutely aware of every freshly healed cut and scrape he'd received knocking out the dragon's razor sharp teeth.

"Dragons are one of the races who enjoy free will, just as man does," Giles explained, grateful for the distraction, as he wasn't sure what to do about recent events. "As a general note they tend to be quite powerful, physically if in no other way and extremely long lived."

"And the whole absorbing essence thing?" Xander asked.

"As was previously mentioned, survivors of dragon attacks are extremely rare, however it probably follows the same line as Dragon Companions. Many dragons are frightfully intelligent and develop impressive magical powers, naturally one of the first spells they develop is to shapeshift, as dragons do enjoy their creature comforts and intelligent conversations, and humanoids are a lot more numerous and widespread than dragons are."

"Starbucks and hot tubs" Xander joked.

"Precisely," Giles agreed, much to Xander's surprise. "With great power comes great ego, so having others around to make your coffee or run you a hot bath is immensely satisfying. Anyway, I've drifted off the point. Dragons sometimes develop a fondness for a human they find exceptional in one way or another, and they will intentionally transfer some of their essence to them so they won't die as fast. Being just this side of immortal means they consider us like mayflies."

"OK, and the benefits and drawbacks of this?" Xander asked.

"It has varied greatly from companion to companion in some respects while they share others in common," Giles replied.

"Translation?"

Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them, while considering how best to explain it.

Xander and Kendra watched him intently, waiting for a response.

"Not every person has the same potential, Bach would have been a poor chemist, but he was a brilliant composer. I'm not speaking of skill however, but naturally with a greater potential, skill levels increase rapidly. That is the part I believe varies from companion to companion. The traits that all companions share of course are the basic physical ones, which are increased beyond human levels," Giles explained.

Xander turned to Willow. "Explanation?"

"All racial caps are removed and you gain a dozen levels including any skill bonuses, but your knowledge base stays the same," Willow explained.

"Any physical changes and how big a bite is needed to transfer the whatever?" Xander asked.

"If there were any physical changes the few stories about Dragon Companions fail to note them and all it takes is a slight graze with one of their teeth." Giles chuckled. "Gullible magic users are still being tricked into buying dragon teeth, believing that scratching themselves with one will empower them. For that to work the dragon has to be alive and the tooth less than an hour old."

Willow gasped and clenched her fists, looking over at Xander and Kendra.

Xander caught a whiff of fresh blood and looked over at Willow, who opened her hand, showing an inch long fang that she'd squeezed until it'd pierced the skin.

Willow smiled at him and set the fang, which was slowly turning yellow like old ivory, on the table.

Xander grinned and for once saw Willow for who she was, and not just the sister he'd pretended she was.

Giles saw the tooth, its essence drained and suddenly realized that he'd been looking at all this strictly intellectually, as the reality of the situation hit him. "Kendra, find me tooth!" he ordered as he searched the floor himself.

"Yes sir, Mr. Giles," Kendra said searching for any wayward fangs that had escaped the broom.

"Bless your shoddy housekeeping skills," Giles enthused as he crawled out from under the table with a quarter inch of the tip of a fang in his hand.

"I found one!" Kendra said a second later with similar find.

Giles looked at the pristine white fang in his hand with an almost religious awe.

"Don't just hold it," Xander said, "Use it!" After a moment's pause he added, "And my skills aren't shabby, I was just rushed."

Giles laughed and pushed it into his forearm.

Cordelia had stood at the door and watched unsure of what she should do. Kendra held a fang that was the gateway to the world she'd only really gotten glimpses of before, a world that was terrifying… and one that Xander chose to live in. Cordelia smacked herself in the head. She'd been considering joining him when he was merely human, and not all empowered like Buffy, and now that he was and she had a choice as well, she was hesitating?

"What should I do with this?" Kendra asked.

"We could poke Buffy with it," Willow suggested.

Xander shook his head. "She doesn't want this life, we can't force it on her."

Cordelia shoved the door fully open and marched right up to Kendra and extended her hand. "Well? What are you waiting for, an engraved invitations?"

Kendra looked over at the others who nodded, even if Willow had a frown as she did so.

Cordelia winced, but sighed in relief, proud of her decision and wondering why it had been so hard to make. "Just so you know, if I get scaly skin from this, you're all going to pay."

"Noted," Giles said, clearly amused.

The doors to the library slammed open as Buffy burst in. "I'm not quitting! I may not be the Slayer, but I can still fight!"

"Everyone check the floor," Willow said.

Buffy stared as everyone started searching the floor. 'I was just in the bathroom for a minute,' she thought wondering what she'd missed.

**Typing by: AzureSky123**


	65. Chapter 65

**Working with Turkeys**

Willow always made lists of pros and cons when she had a difficult decision to make. She said seeing it all laid out really helped you see past your own bias… or possibly emphasize it. There were conflicting studies according to her.

So Xander pulled out a sheet of lined paper and began listing pros and cons, only to find himself listing quite a few cons as various incidents sprang to mind. He had the con half of the paper completely filled with only a few pros listed before he stopped himself. He knew this really didn't show things in a fair light. He knew the good times tended to fly by, while the bad ones stuck in the memory, but as he looked down at the list he found himself asking, 'What kind of friend makes lists of all the times his friends have wronged him?'

'Probably a pretty shitty one,' he decided. But then, what kind of friends fuck over their friend often enough for a list to be needed?

They were probably right to kick him out of the group, he thought to himself. The last couple of years had driven enough wedges between them that the divide created seemed like the Grand Canyon. They used to all be friends, close friends, but they had changed just as he had. Did he really know them anymore? They'd all done things he hadn't thought they would ever do. Maybe he'd clung to the image of who they used to be, hell who he used to be with them. No, he really didn't know them anymore, they were just familiar looking strangers. Maybe he was as well. He'd certainly done things he'd never expected of himself over the past year. He hadn't lived down to anyone's expectations, but he hadn't lived up to his own either.

He considered their decision to expel him from the group.

He made a new list, writing down what he contributed to the fight and how much effort he put into it and frowned. Reading it, he grimaced and tore it up, making sure to make paper confetti out of it. He didn't feel suicidal, but apparently he wasn't as against it as he'd liked to think, because that last list might as well have read 'cause of death'.

'OK, new plan,' he decided. 'Steps one and two in whatever order: gain skills, learn who I am, and hopefully improve that at least to the point where I'm not trying to subconsciously kill myself.'

Mind made up, he dug through his change jar for the small wad of cash buried in pennies he kept on hand for emergencies. He knew Willow probably had the books he needed or could direct him to them, but she'd made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him, and she didn't owe him anything, so he'd just have to do the research for himself. Since Giles ran the Sunnydale High School library and he was still banned from the public library for another three months, he'd have to buy what he needed, which meant Goodwill to start with and yard sales and auctions to follow.

A fragment of memory floated across the surface of his awareness, about Sun Tzu in the service and finding it overrated and boring... but that various bits of it made sense... in hindsight. Know yourself and your enemy and you need not fear the outcome of a thousand battles, for instance was useful and almost correct, because if the enemy had enough force to overwhelm you and used it... knowledge was a force multiplier by an order of magnitude, but it wasn't a cure-all.

Xander rubbed his temples. It didn't help. His head still felt a bit off and his surroundings seemed strange for a moment, like he'd never been here before. It eventually passed, like it always did, even if he tried to grasp it tightly and fix the knowledge in his mind.

Sighing, he grabbed his jacket and the keys to his uncle's car. He really should have looked into doing this long ago.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Hey, Xander," the older lady behind the counter said cheerfully. "Come to clean out our supply of Hawaiian shirts? We got a handful with wooden and coral buttons, like you asked me to watch for."

"Really?" he asked hopefully, before remembering why he was there. "Sadly, I am here for books this time. Maybe if I have any money left over."

"Quarter a book, paperback; a dollar, hardback," she quoted. "Rear of the store, to the right. The books in the cardboard box haven't been sorted yet, so don't worry about mixing them up."

"Thanks, Mrs. Wilson," he replied, a corner of his mind hoping he had some money left so he could snag some shirts. Real Hawaiian shirts were expensive and hard to find, unlike the ones he wore for slaying, which he used because demon blood often improved the pattern and the bright colors made the demons focus on him.

He let his eyes wander as he walked through the store, feeling like he was in a time machine as the aisles were filled with clothes, furniture, and appliances that were from decades past. All they'd have to do was move the store to LA and change the name to retro-something-or-other and they could add another two digits to the price tags easily.

Reaching the back, he took in the battered shelves filled with endless rows of women's romance novels and self-help books from the eighties. Thankfully, the staff actually took their job seriously and didn't just place them according to size and shape.

A blond kid he vaguely recognized from school left with a large leather tome that he just glimpsed part of the title: "-Hounds for Fun and Profit or Conquest". Scanning the area the kid had been browsing, he saw books that looked like they should be on Giles' shelves, most in languages he wasn't familiar with. At a dollar a hardback, he made a mental note to tap into his savings and clean them out, but for now he only needed books he could use. Spotting a red leather tome titled "So you want to be a Dark Wizard", he quickly snatched it up, along with several other titles he didn't think were safe for others to buy. A careful once-over showed nothing else that would allow the common high school student to cause massive amounts of damage, so he resumed his search for his own books.

The number of self-help books that claimed not only to be able to help, but had been written specifically to solve his problems, was… nearly all of them. Only a couple sounded even halfway useful, so he continued searching in other areas. It took over an hour for him to search through everything, including the unsorted box. He had both arms full as he went to the front counter.

"All seven of 'Chained Passions: the Captive Maiden' series?" she asked with a grin while ringing him up.

"I like pirate novels," he admitted, embarrassed.

Half an hour later, he'd returned to buy out all their questionable novels, and the stock of Hawaiian shirts she'd set aside for him.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander placed the stack of dangerous books on his nightstand, the unidentified ones on his desk, the ones he planned on using on top of his dresser... and the romance-er, pirate novels under his bed.

The self-help books were no help, he quickly decided. They appeared to be all about how to massage your own ego. Turning to the mirror, he put on a huge fake smile. "I'm going to do great today, because I'm a good person, I'm talented, and gosh darn it, people like me!" Xander was surprised to find he actually did feel a bit better and set the book aside. It was good for a laugh if nothing else.

As he picked up the psychology textbook from the local college, his eyes drifted over to a large leather bound tome. 'Magic and me don't mix,' he tried to tell himself. 'Name one spell you personally cast,' his mind whispered back.

"OK, you have a point there," he admitted aloud, setting down the textbook and picking up the book titled 'True Name, True Heart, True Self; A Guide for the Noble Pursuit of Unity'. Opening it, a sheet of paper fell out and he started reading it aloud. He quickly stopped, not wanting to risk accidentally casting something, but as his eyes scanned to the end of it, the paper crumpled into white ash and blew away, followed by him, and the world...

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander looked around and started cleaning his room, making his bed, and picking up the clothes scattered across the floor. He found an invisible scythe that he wrapped in a sheet so he wouldn't lose track of it, or injure himself or someone else. He'd wondered where that had gone.

While cleaning the mirror and removing the pictures of past friends, he frowned as he saw how long his hair had grown. Dropping the photos in the top drawer, he thought about going to the base barber, but realized he'd have to make due with off-base facilities and a civilian barber.

On the way to the barber he spotted Faith fighting a pair of blue demons, but mindful of what he'd been told he drove on, careful not to distract her. He spotted Jack O'Toole and a couple of his friends riding around, which wouldn't have been anything of note except Xander recalled reading about their deaths, by gunfire rather than barbeque fork, making it stick in his mind. He decided that at least deserved a mention on his way back home, after he got his hair cut.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**The next morning.**

At five A.M. he got up, showered, got dressed, and went for a jog. He wasn't as out of shape as he feared, but an adventurous vamp preying on joggers added a whole new level of difficulty. Thankfully, Xander was able to yank him into the light of the rising sun.

It was a somber group he found in the partially destroyed library that morning when he arrived.

"... the corner of Fifth and Oak," Giles said.

"In front of the old Smith Theater?" Xander asked. "Saw Faith fighting a couple of demons there last night."

"You did?" Buffy asked, pale.

"Yeah, but don't worry, I remembered your orders and didn't interfere or distract her. I simply drove on," Xander assured Buffy. "Anyway, the reason I'm here is because I decided to try to warn you one last time about O'Toole and his gang, who I'm pretty sure are dead, wandering around."

"O'Toole?" Willow asked, white as a sheet.

"Yeah, I tried warning you, Summers, and Giles yesterday, but you all three refused to listen," Xander explained. "This is the last time I'm going to waste my time trying to warn you of things just to be brushed off. Next time, I'm just going to write a note and drop it at the counter, if I bother at all. Goodbye."

As the door closed behind him, Willow burst into tears and Buffy tried to comfort her.

"As I was saying," Giles said quietly, pausing to take a pain killer to help deal with his wounds from that night's battle, "Faith's body was found with all its blood and none in her mouth, so we don't have to worry about her becoming a vampire."

"At least there's that," Wesley said sadly. "The fight in the basement that claimed Mr. Osborn's life left a half dozen zombies in pieces, but still animated. I laid them to rest with a little salt and blood. They appeared to be setting up a crude bomb when Mr. Osborn interrupted them, so that still needs to be dealt with. I'd stay and help, however the Council has already sent me a recall notice. I am to pack and leave immediately for my inquiry."

"Inquiry?" Cordelia asked.

"Any watcher who loses a slayer in under six months has to face a board of inquiry," Giles explained. "As this is the Hellmouth, it'll likely be a mere formality, but attempts to avoid or delay it are considered evidence of guilt or complacency in the slayer's death and dealt with appropriately."

"It was... nice, I suppose, meeting you all," Weasley offered before getting up and limping off.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander re-checked his homework and did his best to wade through the psychology textbook. It was slow going, as there were frequent references to things the book seemed to assume he knew about which he had no clue. This led to a lot of back-and-forth with the index, as he blessed the writers who had decided to include past review sections he could reference.

The teachers watched the new, studious Harris boy with a bit of nervousness. Change on the Hellmouth was rarely good.

Deep inside Xander, a large chunk of him slept, and as he slept, connections were made...

**Typing by: Ordieth**

**AN: Just an idea of how things could have turned out without Xander taking care of the zombies or the world ending.**


	66. Chapter 66

**On the Mountain 3**

**Part 1 : Chapter 11**

**Part 2 : Chapter 25  
**

Cordelia groaned as she realized that Xander was going to be gone for a while and her bladder had just decided to let her know she had to pee. The pain in her leg said moving was a bad idea. Her bladder noted that it didn't care where she went and the bed was perfectly acceptable to it.

Cordelia decided right there and then that she didn't care if her leg was broken, she was not going to have Xander return and find she'd peed the bed!

She tried to stand, but her injured leg turned the pain dial up to eleven and she crumpled to the floor, biting back a scream. It took a minute for her to blink the tears from her eyes and get her breathing back under control. She silently blessed Xander for leaving the door open and the light on as she crawled toward the bathroom. She was going to use the bathroom and get back to bed if it killed her!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander peered around the lobby, trying to ignore the desiccated corpse that was curled up on the floor behind the counter. The lights worked, but the computer wouldn't turn on, and neither would the radio. The mini fridge under the counter was working, though the food in it was probably way past its expiration date. He thought about unplugging it and seeing if it was still running, but to do that he'd have to move the remains of the hotel clerk, and he didn't feel up to that yet.

Picking up an old newspaper that had blown off the counter he finally had a date; October 31st, 1990.

Xander looked around the lobby and frowned. It didn't look like it had been abandoned for nearly a decade, he was guessing it had been half that at most.

"Well, if the world hasn't ended, at least Cordelia has the winning lottery numbers for California from the mid to late ninety's memorized," he said with a chuckle.

He found a spare set of passkeys in a drawer and a fifth of whiskey and some Midol in the clerk's purse on the counter. He took that as a sign and decided he'd pressed his luck enough for now, as the sun was setting and he wanted to be behind a nice solid door when that happened. Stuffing the newspaper in the clerk's purse he stepped back outside into the waning daylight of the setting sun. He left the lamp inside so he'd have a hand free just in case, not that he had any weapons, not even a rock.

He used the passkey to open the supply room, just a few doors from where he left Cordelia. He grabbed one of the maid's carts and dumped half a dozen spare pillows and blankets along with down comforters into it. Looking around he found a hotplate and a tea kettle, which also went in the cart, as well as a number of gift baskets for VIP guests. Xander picked up another hotplate and turned it on, not bothering to plug it in, and nodded in satisfaction as it heated up. He'd almost forgotten to check and simply assuming they would work only to find out they didn't later would have been embarrassing.

The cart's wheels didn't squeak or wobble, which he found more unnerving than things working when they weren't plugged in. Opening the door to their room he froze at the sight of the empty bed. "Cordelia?" he called out anxiously.

"In here," Cordelia answered from the bathroom.

"Thank God," Xander muttered, as he pushed the cart into the room and closed the door behind him, throwing the deadbolt. "I thought you couldn't walk," he said, making himself a nest on the floor with the bedding from the cart, making sure not to look in the bathroom as Cordelia had left the door open.

"I crawled," she admitted. "I…I need help."

"With?" he asked cautiously.

"I can't…I can't get myself off the toilet," Cordelia said, and he could hear the tears and frustration in her voice.

"I'll be right there," he promised, grabbing the clerk's purse off the cart and turning toward the open door. He paused as he saw her on the toilet, positioned awkwardly with her legs outstretched and her pants and panties pushed down to her knees. The defeated expression on her face caused an almost physical pain in his chest, even while his libido was trying to get his attention.

"I don't suppose you found any morphine or Novocain while you were out?" she joked, trying to pretend she hadn't been crying.

"I have Midol and Jack Daniels," Xander told her.

Cordelia just stared at him in shock for a minute. "Oh thank God! That's just what the doctor ordered! Gimme!"

Xander passed her the purse and sat down on the edge of the tub and checked to see if the hot water still worked. He wasn't really surprised to find it did.

"You're planning on taking a bath?" Cordelia asked, setting the purse on the sink, but keeping the whiskey.

"A hot bath should help take the swelling down," he explained.

"I'm going to need a lot of help," Cordelia warned him.

"Yes, but only for a day or two," he assured her. "I doubt it's broken, so once we get the swelling down, you should feel a lot better."

"Did you find out anything?" Cordelia asked, changing the subject.

"I found a newspaper that says it's October 1990 and I don't think this place has been dead for the better part of a decade, so we are probably back in time," he told her.

"At least it's not the eighties," Cordelia replied, taking another slug of Jack. "I am so not wearing that much hairspray ever again."

"Do you want bubble bath?" Xander asked, recalling one of the items in the VIP baskets.

"Yes, yes I do," Cordelia said firmly, after thinking a minute.

Xander retrieved the VIP bathroom basket from the cart and tore open the plastic wrapping, stuffing it in the trash. Aromatic bath oils and bubble bath were poured into the tub.

"Do you have chocolate?" Cordelia asked intently.

"Give me a second to check," Xander told her and started searching through the other baskets, but only found coco mix. Fortunately there was a half-full box of individually wrapped chocolate mints, so he took that and handed it to Cordelia.

"We're in a post-apocalyptic nightmare and you've managed to get me chocolate and a bubble bath in addition to Midol and whiskey," Cordelia said. "OK, you may see me naked."

Xander was about to explain how it was what they had to do, not a privilege he'd been shooting for, when he realized she was probably saving face. "That sounds reasonable," he replied.

**AN: Typing by Elrod Albino!**


	67. Chapter 67

**Go Go Kakashi Rangers 2**

**Part 1: Fragments chapter 17**

Kakashi shunshined into Team Seven's meeting place. Sakura and Naruto were reading as usual but Sasuke was writing something and referring to an advanced sealing manual. Kakashi peered over Sasuke's shoulder impressed with the mastery of seals Sasuke was demonstrating. "I never pictured you for a seal master, most Uchiha concentrated on ninjutsu."

Sasuke and the others didn't bother to act surprised, even when Kakashi's clones showed up with the D rank missions. They all made a lazy wave that didn't even come close to looking like a hand seal, but created the clones needed all the same.

"Well, of the three of us I am the best suited to handling seals. Naruto is best for ninjutsu and Sakura handles medical issues," Sasuke explained as the clones paired up and went over the missions.

"That will probably change when you activate your bloodline," Kakashi pointed out.

Sasuke looked up and his eyes flashed red for a second. "Nah, Naruto helped me activate it a while back and it really is better suited for seals than ninjutsu."

"Really?" Kakashi asked, curious as to how he had come to that conclusion.

"Sure. The hardest part about seals for most people is the precision needed and the massive number of designs you need to memorize. The Sharingan makes that a moot point and lets me see the inner workings of a seal in a way no seal master ever has before. I can deconstruct and modify seals pretty easily."

"Besides," Naruto spoke up. "I won the coin toss. He gets seals and I get ninjutsu. I've had enough seals in my life without adding any more, thank you very much."

Kakashi raised a brow, surprised that Naruto was that open about having a seal with his friends.

Sasuke snickered. "There was some friendly stabbing involved, but we worked it out, although I'm still not sure how he cheated."

"The coin was henged," Sakura said.

"How did you know?" Naruto asked, looking at his pink haired teammate.

"The tension between the two of you was getting pretty thick, so when everyone else left I hid and watched. I was hoping you two would tear each other's clothes off, but instead you fought and afterwards you both looked a lot happier, so I was still waiting for some guy on guy actions and saw it all. I think that was the point in which I began to doubt yaoi. According to the books, it should have led to sex, but the fighting seemed more fitting."

Sasuke shrugged. "Well, to be fair, he is better than me at ninjutsu."

"Seriously?" Kakashi asked, wondering how someone could top the Sharingan. 'Maybe the Hokage, but he's known as the professor for a reason.'

"Watch." Sasuke smirked. "Yo dobe! I need a jutsu that combines fire and water."

"Easy as pie, teme! I'll have to add some wind and do you want utility or attack?"

"Wind's fine; I figured you'd need a bridging element. Make it utility and how about an ice jutsu as well?"

"Sure." Naruto put his book away and created twenty or so clones that started arguing amongst themselves and flashing hand signs while they talked.

"You three aren't ordinary genin," Kakashi observed.

"We've had to work hard to get what we wanted. Holding yourself back so you look like an average genin prospect is hard work, but we got our team, so it was worth it." Sasuke grinned beneath his mask.

"Says you! I had to pretend to be a brainless fangirl. You guys are my best friends, but it was hell!"

"You got off easy, the Boss had to fail at everything for years and pretend to have no close friends. Compared to that…"

Sakura winced. "You got a point there number twenty one."

"Yeah, it only took a couple of assassination attempts before we realized we couldn't be friendly in public," Sasuke agreed. "And how do you always identify which clone it is?"

"I can't identify every clone," Sakura explained. "But number twenty one and twenty four I can always spot. I have no idea why."

"We're just cool like that." Clone twenty one smirked.

"Anyway now that we are on a team together we can stop holding back so much. Sakura doesn't have to pretend to be a fangirl, Naruto doesn't have to pretend to be an idiot and I don't have to pretend to be a revenge obsessed idiot with a telephone pole shoved up my ass."

"Yep and we know we love you Naruto 21," Sakura said, hugging the clone.

The hug went on for a few seconds before she glared as Sasuke. "Ahem."

"I'm not saying I love him when no alcohol is involved and all the man code approved methods of showing affection towards another male, except calling him names, would pop him."

"Just squash her between us, that's legal," Naruto 21 suggested.

Sasuke joined the group hug, making sure to have Sakura between them.

"This would be a lot better if there were two girls." Sakura sighed.

Naruto 21 and Sasuke shared a grin and stepped back from the hug.

"You'll want to uncover your eye and copy this," Sasuke suggested, waiting for Kakashi to reveal his Sharingan before going through a series of hand seals with Naruto 21 ending in the two calling out, "Sexy no Jutsu." Where Naruto and Sasuke once stood there were now two well-developed female versions of themselves who promptly attached themselves to Sakura.

Sakura laughed. "I meant one guy and two girls, like nature intended!"

Kakashi looked stunned. "That's a full physical transformation!"

"Yep. I told you Naruto was better suited for ninjutsu," Sasuke said smugly.

"The key is to make sure you have a very clear picture in mind when transforming," Naruko 21 suggested.

"Yo, Dobe! How's the jutsu coming?" Sasuke called out.

Naruto dismissed all the clones near him except three that he sent off. "Done, teme," Naruto said joining the group. "I just have to wait for my clones to get back from the store, by the way, nice rack. I take it your reserves have gotten bigger over the last week?"

"Thanks," Sasuke said proudly. "And yeah, my reserves have increased by about twenty percent."

Sakura rolled her eyes, they may have changed into girls physically but they were definitely still guys on the inside.

"Why did you invent a jutsu that changes your sex?" Kakashi asked.

"Other than its obvious use for sneaking into woman only areas while tailing someone, it makes it really easy to ditch tails and keep from being found. Hell, even nin-dogs can't track you because the scent changes. It also has a bunch of benefits that you'd never guess!" The female Naruko 21 grinned.

"Like what?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"Well your center of gravity changes, as does the way you move and the way you use chakra. Getting used to the difference between the two improves your skills a lot more than you would think. We don't act all that different, but that's because we've gotten used to the change and how it affects us. The truth is that women are different than men and their emotional responses differ to nearly everything. Spend one month with a henge to cover the changes and not only does it increase your ninja skills about threefold, but it also helps you understand women."

"Whoa!" Kakashi responded shocked.

"Yep," Naruko 21 said smugly. "And you'll also be able to tell the difference between Salmon and pink. The female eye sees more colors than the male one. That's why the best genjutsu users are female, although people with dojutsu have the same advantage."

"I'll have to use my Sharingan to test that out," Kakashi muttered.

"You'll also want to try the sexy jutsu too. Try it eating chocolate. It's almost like it's a different substance! One word of advice though," Naruko 21 paused cautiously.

"Yeah?"

"If you plan on spending some 'alone time' trying out the Sexy Jutsu, make sure it's your day off. No one makes it out of bed the same day they check the difference."

"You're kidding."

"Sasuke, how long did it take you to get out of bed when you test drove the new equipment?"

"All I'm saying is, thank god it was a three day weekend," Sasuke said, blushing.

Sakura giggled.

The clones arrived before any more could be said, carrying a side of beef, a gallon of BBQ sauce and a bag.

"Ok boss, we got the supplies. We'll have it set up in a minute."

"Cool!"

"So, what is the new jutsu?" Kakashi asked.

"Well, Sasuke wanted a utility jutsu, so that means it has to be useful and not just a semi-complex way of throwing an elemental attack at someone, and then I realized it was nearly lunch time, so both of the jutsu are useful for when lunchtime rolls around."

"It's ready boss!"

"And with no further adeu!" Naruto walked over to where they had set up the side of beef and began making handsigns. It was a string of twelve signs and Naruto had pulled down his mask and taken a deep breath before he began. "Breath of Lunch no Jutsu!" He blew out a swirling white mist that surrounded the beef, obscuring it from sight.

"What's with the last four hand signs?" Sasuke asked, dropping the transformation. "You usually limit yourself to eight."

"Containment. Rather than risk superheated steam at the mercy of the winds, I decided to add a space limiter so it'd do its job without accidentally scalding anyone and with the added benefit of costing less chakra, since I am only targeting a specific area."

The clones dispersed themselves with the exception of Naruko 21 who grabbed tongs and a carving knife and got into position to serve as soon as the jutsu dispersed.

Naruto opened a gallon of water and a two liter of soda before setting out cups for everyone. Flashing a quick six handsigns, ice began to fall from his hands into the cups as the level of water in the jug slowly fell. Everyone applauded as Naruto filled the cups with soda and passed out plates and napkins. Kakashi smiled at being first in line as he could see his entire team behind him but turning around he found a genin from another team in front of him.

"Load her up, cutie," the genin said with a grin.

Naruko snickered, but loaded his plate down with a large amount of beef. Everyone was quickly served including Naruko, which caused Naruto to give her a strange look, but he quickly turned back to his food as the smell hit him.

"Kakashi, Team Seven Jounin," he introduced himself to the unknown genin sitting next to him.

"Choji Akimichi," Choji introduced himself cheerfully. "Team ten, genin."

"Need me to send a clone to replace you with your team?" Naruto asked.

"Nah, we're done for the day and my team had the nerve to scoff and tell me there was no such thing as a psychic ability to sense free barbecue!"

"Man, I bet they'd say the same thing about my free Ramen sense," Naruto snorted.

Naruto and Choji shared a laugh before saying, "Fools!"

"Yes, they're serious," Sasuke observed. "And no, I have no idea how they developed it, but it's more accurate than most nin's danger sense."

"That's because it's narrowly targeted, while danger can come from anywhere and anything!" Choji explained. "Man these are some good ribs. The seasonings are a little limited, but it's been cooked to perfection."

"New jutsu; Side of Ribs Fully Cooked in Under a Minute no Jutsu," Naruto explained, while filling a cup with ice and soda for Choji.

"I think my mom would engage my little sister to you for it," he said half seriously.

"She's a bit young for me, besides I already know the two girls for me," Naruto replied.

"Two? Isn't that a little greedy?"

"Two girls one guy, that's the way nature intended it," Sakura replied seriously.

"How do you figure?"

"You know all the boring stuff girls like to do and drag unhappy boyfriends along with them?"

"Yeah?"

"If there were two girls then they could leave him behind, while they went to do all that stuff," Sakura explained.

"Huh, I never thought of it like that before," Choji said thoughtfully.

"There are any number of things a girl needs another girl for, things guys dislike doing or just aren't good at. There is a reason girls go to the bathroom in packs and spend so much time talking to each other, it's a feminine need that males just can't fulfill and wouldn't enjoy trying."

Naruto and Sasuke nodded.

"I don't think I could find two girls who like me and would agree with that, though it makes a lot of sense," Choji remarked as Sakura refilled his plate.

"Well you found one," Sakura smiled and Choji went bright red as he realized what she was saying. His eyes darted over to Naruto who as far as he knew had been chasing her, but Naruto only waved a hand encouraging him.

Before Choji could work up the nerve to say something a voice screeched out "Sasuke kun!" and Ino suddenly was attached to Sasuke's side.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but responded kindly, "Hello, Ino," much to her delight.

"I guess you were right," Shikamaru said as he arrived. "You can sense free barbecue."

"The proof is in the pudding," Naruko said, as she made the two late arrivals a plate.

"Naruto," Ino asked looking at Naruko.

"What?" Naruto replied from the other side of Sasuke.

"Naruto? Then who are you?"

"I'm Naruko, a shadow clone in the shape of what Naruto would look like as a girl."

"I don't think Naruto's breasts would be quite that large," Ino growled.

"They would," Sasuke assured her.

"How do you know?" Ino asked, ready to believe anything her Sasuke-kun told her, but still not happy about it.

"It's the way the jutsu works," Sasuke explained. "It transforms you into a female version of yourself."

"Then why are her breasts bigger than mine?"

"Several reasons," Naruko explained. "I'm a little older than you, so I'm a little more developed, add to that the genetics, meaning mom and grandma were stacked, add to that the fact that I make sure to keep myself on a healthy died and not one of those breast shrinking ones that most girls use, and it all adds up."

"Dieting shrinks breasts?" Ino asked nervously.

"Yep. The only way to ensure your breasts get to reach their full potential is be eating right and exercising to burn off any excess calories," Sakura replied.

"Then why aren't yours bigger?" Ino asked Sakura suspiciously.

"They'd be freaking huge if you didn't use that seal," Naruto snorted.

"Eh? Seal?" Ino asked.

"Breast size is affected by the amount of chakra you have, especially during puberty and since I don't want to hire a genin team to hold my breasts everywhere I go, I'm keeping them small for now," Sakura said blushing.

Naruto snickered.

"Don't you laugh! If it wasn't for your seal, your breasts would be big enough to be a road hazard!"

"Seriously?" Shikamaru asked.

"Oh yeah," Sasuke chimed in. "Naruto, do that DBZ thing!"

"DBZ thing?" Kakashi asked curiously.

Sakura laughed. "I love that! Do it!"

Naruko got up and henged into Vegeta. "Come Kakarot, show me your power!"

Naruto snickered and henged his hair black. "Very well brother, let's see if you can match this!"

Naruto slowly released his hold on his chakra. Everyone watched as the air around Naruto took on a glowing blue tint and the dirt around his feet along with small pebbles began to tremble and float. Kakashi uncovered his Sharingan as Naruto's unbound chakra ruffled everyone's hair like an unseen wind, but even with it uncovered he couldn't find a trace of the Nine Tailed Fox's chakra outside the seal.

Naruto's muscles bulged and his clothing grew tight as his chakra levels rose. His henge failed under the release of power and his hair turned gold as the chakra spiked it out from his head in a decent imitation of a Super Saiyan.

Naruko, still in her henge of Vegeta, pulled off her scouter and screamed, "his power level, its over nine thousand!"

The genin from Team seven collapsed in laughter at that, breaking everyone from their trance.

"How can you have so much chakra?" Ino asked stunned.

"It's at least partially genetics," Naruko replied.

"I still prefer the He-Man one where you use a modified Inuzuka clan jutsu to have Tora imitate Battlecat." Sasuke grinned.

"You're the reason chasing Tora is now a C-rank mission?!" Kakashi broke in.

"Yep," Naruto said proudly. "Chasing that cat has become a Leaf tradition, but Tora was getting on in years and the Fire Daimyo's wife wasn't exactly easy on the poor little guy, so I decided to ensure that Tora would be around for another generation to chase."

"And then we decided to see if he could learn some special jutsu," Sasuke added.

"And of course a little medical enhancement never hurt anyone," Sakura added.

Kakashi laughed. "Well, chasing Tora is now considered the first C-rank mission for any genin team and I think there was talk about making someone catch him a part of the Chunin exams."

"In our defense, he does make an excellent Battlecat," Naruko pointed out.

"And he's foiled a lot of assassination attempts on the Daimyo," Sakura added.

"Wasn't there talk about classifying him as one of the tailed beasts?" Ino asked, being more plugged into the local gossips than the others.

"Wow, we'll have to teach him more jutsu if that happens," Naruto muttered, thinking about what they'd have to teach Tora so he could fill the position.

"Anyway, if genetics account for part of the reason why you have that much chakra, what's the rest of it?" Shikamaru asked.

"An S-rank secret that I will share with you when you reach chunin or have been nin long enough to be trusted with it. Talking about it is grounds for execution for anyone but me, so I ain't sharing until I know I ain't putting you in danger by telling you," Naruto replied.

"Fair enough," Shikamaru agreed, seeing the sense in it.

"Really?" Ino asked.

Kakashi nodded. "It's true and I'm surprised he's being this open about it."

Naruto shrugged. "I trust them to react intelligently to it. I just don't trust them not to gossip about it quite yet."

"And on that note, what's with the change in everyone?" Ino asked.

"How do you mean?" Naruko asked.

"I mean everyone is dressed like their sensei, and I've seen Sasuke smile more in the last five minutes than in the last five years!"

"Oh, that!" Sakura replied. "Me, Sasuke, and Naruto have always been close friends but we had to hide it for reasons I won't go into. I was never interested in Sasuke and Naruto was never interested in me, it was all an act."

"If that wasn't true, then what else do we think we know about you that's false?" Shikamaru asked.

"I'm more skilled than I let on, but that applies to all three of us really," Sakura said.

"Do you really like orange Naruto?" Ino said.

"Sure, I ditch ANBU much too quickly otherwise. I wear orange because it makes getting away with things harder, which makes things more fun. What I'm wearing now is really toned down because as part of the team I can't afford to risk my teammates to add a little thrill to my job. These are the clothes of a proper nin."

Kakashi welled up a little at that. It was nice to be looked up to.

"And Ramen?" Choji asked almost tearfully, worried that his friend had lied about his taste in foods, meaning everything he thought he knew was false.

"Food of the gods," Naruto said solemnly.

Choji smiled and relaxed, not noticing that Sakura had scooted to him and was stroking his arm comfortingly.

"The rest of us have to eat balanced diets, while Naruto can live off Ramen alone. Of course the rest of us don't have an advanced healing factor that makes that a healthy choice," Sakura drawled out.

"Bah, Heathens!" Naruko snorted.

Naruto nodded. "You say it's my healing factor that makes it healthy for me to eat ramen all the time. I say its eating ramen all the time that gives me an advanced healing factor. You simply lack faith!"

"Ra-amen," Naruko intoned gravely.

Everyone turned to Sakura.

"Yes he's serious. Just don't ask about his ramen based religion and he won't push it on you," Sakura suggested.

"One goes to Ramen, one does not wait for Ramen to come to them," Naruto said piously.

"So Naruto is still into orange and ramen, the only real change is that he is friends with you and Sasuke and is much more skilled than he shows?" Ino asked.

"Pretty much," Sasuke said thoughtfully. "He has a few more hobbies, still plans to become Hokage at some point. Naruto is…Naruto."

"What's different about you?" Shikamaru asked.

"No stick up his ass!" Naruto said with a grin.

"More friendly and skilled," Sakura offered.

"Not revenge obsessed," Sasuke smirked. "But I still plan to rebuild my clan, so I've tracked down a pair of girls with some Uchiha blood."

Naruto smirked. "Twins they were, and I believe they were in favor of the idea of helping you rebuild the clan."

"So you have to give up finding true love," Ino said tearfully clearly picturing herself as the girl being given up, "to ensure the survival of your bloodline."

"Yeah, why don't we go with that," Sasuke said, the idea of twin sisters still making him smile.

Sakura laughed, long familiarity making both of them easy to read for her, causing a vein to throb in Ino's temple at Sakura ruining her big scene. Seeing the inevitable explosion building up Kakashi quickly kawirami'd himself with Ino so she'd be sitting closer to Sakura with only Choji between them. The fact that Sakura used that as an excuse to get closer to Choji so she could 'talk to Ino' didn't escape his notice.

"So Sakura prefers Choji to Sasuke?" Shikamaru asked.

Sasuke grinned. "Sakura likes 'em strong with kind hearts. Ino isn't much different, she only chased after me because she wanted to get Sakura's attention. Ino would have noticed Choji once she matured a bit anyway."

"I can already tell this is going to be troublesome for Choji, if no one else," he said watching Ino and Sakura argue practically on top of Choji, who looked confused at the situation, but enjoying his position.

"Nah," Naruto broke in, "Ino and Sakura are both women who like to argue, but they'd rather argue with each other when they are feeling 'troublesome' and lavish him with love and affection the rest of the time."

"Use one woman to distract another, now that's genius," Shikamaru grinned wondering if there was a way to use that to distract his mom. "That two woman one guy idea is sounding better and better."

"Sakura assures us it's the natural choice and she knows more about human psychology than all of us combined, "Sasuke said. "Plus it fits our plans anyway," Naruto said. "I already had two girls picked out and so does Sasuke."

"Really, who?" Shikamaru asked curiously.

"Well, Shion sent me a letter and a picture saying she'd already seen it happening." Naruto grinned. "And the head priestess of the Elemental Temple's visions are never wrong."

Everyone looked at the picture Naruto was holding out. Sakura and Ino stopped fighting long enough to look.

"She looks like a blond haired blue eyed version of Hinata!" Ino said stunned.

"And you keep teasing me about my twins," Sasuke snorted.

"Well Hinata should be happy," Shikamaru said, reading between the lines.

"How would Naruto dating a priestess that looks like her twin make her happy?" Ino asked, not having heard the earlier conversation.

"Because the priestess said she sees Naruto in a relationship with both of them," Shikamaru explained.

"Will that work?" Ino asked.

"Great happiness and joy according to Shion," Naruto confirmed. "Hinata's only complaint was that Shion's duties will take her away from us too often."

"Oh," Ino said. "So have you asked her out yet?"

"Can't. I have to wait for Hinata to find the courage. Something about her asking me out helps Hinata-chan overcome her problems with her family."

"Ohh," went most of the table, the Leaf's gossip network had pretty much spread Hinata's family problems far and wide. It's really hard to keep secrets in a ninja village.

"It's supposed to be soon though, so apparently something gives her a huge boost. Can't imagine what it would be though. I've never seen her looking so dispirited as she has lately."

"You watch Hinata? How do you do that without her spotting you?" Ino asked.

"Until recently I wore blindingly orange jumpsuits and could ditch ANBU at will."

"Good point," she replied, having never really thought of it that way before.

"Anyway I don't like seeing her so down and if Shion hadn't sent me a letter explaining Hinata would break out of it soon and be stronger for it, I'd already be with her."

"How soon we talkin here?" Ino asked.

"Before the end of the day," Naruto grinned. "I plan on going by training ground 5 just before she finishes training at six."

"Well if you want to keep that schedule we better finish up here quickly," Kakashi said. "Everyone who isn't my genin clear out or Naruto will miss Hinata."

Team Five quickly said their goodbyes, with Sakura giving Choji a kiss on the cheek and Ino dragging him off by the hand and failing to let go once they left.

"Ok," Kakashi said making a clone and handing him the completed mission scrolls. "Take these to the tower."

The three had quickly cleaned up their mess from lunch and were standing at the ready when Kakashi turned to face them. "I've been a little remiss in not testing your combat capacity before today, but that can be excused as we were getting to know each other and I'm not expected to lead you into combat for a couple of months at the earliest. Never the less, we'll take care of that now."

Kakashi held up two bells. "I normally threaten to send the person who doesn't get a bell back to the academy to see if you understand teamwork under pressure, but from what you've said so far you could probably have been considered a team even before you entered the academy, so we'll just say the one who doesn't get the bell we'll have to do something mildly embarrassing to be decided by the people with the bells. When I say go we'll begin. Go!"

"Done," Naruto replied instantly.

"What?" Kakashi looked down at his belt and noticed that the bells were missing and two acorns were hanging there.

Naruto held up the bells. "Replacement technique."

"Let's try that again without using replacement techniques and by the way that was very well done," Kakashi complemented him. "Go!"

"Done," Sakura replied.

"Why do I feel a draft?"

"Genjutsu. I figured why settle for the bells if I could get them and your pants! I had you hand them to me and resume position. This way someone on the team had done something mildly embarrassing and we can ransom back your pants."

"Let's try this again with no genjutsu," Kakashi suggested. "And with me wearing pants. Go!"

"Done," Sasuke announced instantly.

"How?"

"Ninja wire."

"Again with no wire," Naruto suggested.

"Let's just agree that any technique can only be used once," Sakura suggested.

"Works."

"Sounds good to me."

"You do realize that everything you've done so far is pushing the bounds of jounin range skills, right?"

The three shrugged.

"We're just that cool, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto snickered.

"What he said," Sakura agreed.

"I've got more tricks up my sleeve, so let's continue playing," Sasuke suggested.

"Go!"

"Done," Naruto said. "Modified shadow possession. Your left arm felt numb for a second, because I was having you throw me the bells."

"Go!"

"Done," Sakura called out. "Modified possession technique. It allows me to impress a copy of my personality in your head for a couple of seconds, before it fades leaving you with a couple of seconds missing time."

"Can I have my pants back?"

"Sure."

"Am I going to lose my pants every time you get the bells?"

"Most of them," Naruto replied. "For some reason her jutsu often leave the target pants-less."

"Some leave you wearing even less," Sasuke added.

"Level with me here," Kakashi asked. "Exactly how good are you?"

"We average Jounin with some skills far better and others far worse," Sakura smirked.

"And the reason you haven't just tested out of everything?"

"Don't have a reason to," Naruto said.

"And there are plenty of reasons not to," Sakura continued.

"If we were at war it'd be different," Sakura said. "But since we aren't we can keep most of our skills hidden, since they aren't really needed at the moment."

"This was so we won't alienate our age group," Sasuke explained. "And we can form stronger bonds with them than we could otherwise."

"Not everything in life can be learned from books, some of it you learn from your peers," Sakura said.

"And let's face it, if I showed how skilled I was I'd be facing assassins every day," Naruto said.

"So all alone you managed to train yourselves up to Jounin level? Do you realize how impressive that is, and that's not even taking into account doing it while keeping it hidden," Kakashi said, stunned.

"We were never alone," Sasuke snorted.

"We had each other," Sakura smiled.

"And between that and my insanely effective sex change jutsu…"

"And using some of the secrets of my clan."

"We accomplished miracles," the trio chorused like they'd practiced it, and from their smirks they may well have.

"And we just get more skilled as time goes by," Sasuke pointed out. "Hell, one morning Sakura had an idea about how to counter killing intent on green genin. I used my Sharingan combined with her medical skills to figure out how to get the right effect and Naruto translated the effects into an easy to use jutsu."

"The effect isn't precisely what we were aiming for, but then working with the mind is seldom precise." Sakura sighed.

"Here, copy this," Naruto said waiting for Kakashi to uncover his Sharingan before running through the handsigns. Naruto took on a relaxed look and scratched his balls while Kakashi tried the jutsu on himself.

The moment it took effect he could tell; all the niggling little worries and doubts that afflicted the average person and indeed all the ones that afflicted the average Jounin faded away. He no longer worried that he might fail his team and get them killed. He no longer worried that he might lose them in battle. He no longer worried that he might become attached to them. Kakashi usually didn't have much time for introspection as he feared what he would find so he continually read porn to avoid it, but now he was finding out things he'd avoided thinking about. A lot of his worries were baseless and others just weren't as important as his fear of them had made them seem.

Kakashi found himself being shook by Naruto. "Yo sensei! Pretty deep huh? The first time is usually the worst, cause a lot of the crap we're afraid of is so silly you can dismiss it now that you know it's there. Most of it comes from when you're younger and you don't want to think about it so you suppress it, but when you outgrow it it's still taking up space, cause you haven't faced it yet. This jutsu works fine if you're in battle too, cause most of the stuff is below conscious thought, but if there's nothing going on you just tend to sit and stare while you think about things. It'd probably be useful on bored guards, but I really don't feel like helping ensure the enemy has well-adjusted nin."

"Wow," Kakashi summed up, as Naruto talked him down like he'd had a bad trip.

"So, how you feeling, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Surprisingly good. You've all used this on yourselves, haven't you?"

"Sure, works wonders for clearing the mind and looking at things logically. It just negates fear for a minute or so and since the human brain tends to build things up it's like hitting the reset button or maybe like cleaning the lint trap on the dryer," Naruto said thoughtfully.

"It's one of our tools," Sasuke said. "Removing meaningless fears makes the real ones manageable. This was just another happy accident of a jutsu which, we have had a few of. It doesn't have nearly as much of an effect on younger nin."

"I call it 'Fear Drowner no Jutsu'," Naruto said proudly.

"He invented it, he gets to name it," Sakura groaned. "It's the rule."

Kakashi couldn't help but laugh.

"I think it's a great name," Naruto complained.

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	68. Chapter 68

**Ensign America 2**

**Part 1 - More Fragments chapter 9**

"I'll take him," Clint volunteered , waving Phil off.

"So, where the hell am I and what's going on?" Xander asked, once they were safely away from the dangerous redhead.  
"You are at a top secret SHIELD installation and everything is classified," Clint told him, stopping to enter a twelve digit code so they could board on elevator.

"OK," Xander said easily. "So, Captain America can survive being frozen?"

"Classified and I sure hope so," Clint said. "We've spent a lot of money for nothing otherwise. Speaking of being frozen, how did you survive?"

"I was on the swim team in high school," Xander told him.

Clint considered that for a moment. "I can tell you are actually being serious, but that answer is miles away from anything I expected."

Xander grinned. "I'll explain in more detail when we get to the doc."

"I was going to guess you were the understudy of one of those magicians who freeze themselves in blocks of ice," Clint admitted.

"That would have been a great joke," Xander said. "I could claim I learned it for the school talent show."

Clint laughed as they exited the elevator. "I would have won my school's talent show, but my blindfolded William Tell act was deemed irresponsible. I still say it's not a show without some danger."

"Our talent show resulted in three fatalities," Xander said thoughtfully as they walked down the corridor. "Of course that's including a ventriloquist dummy."

"What about the handler?" Clint asked.

"He survived, well for a few months anyway. He had cancer, it was completely unrelated," Xander assured him.

"I think I'll avoid ventriloquist dummies anyway," Clint decided as they entered the medical bay, "Just on general principles."

"The dummy did stab someone to death," Xander admitted, "So that's probably a good thing."

"Mr. Harris?" a doctor in a white lab coat asked as he approached.

"That would be me," Xander agreed.

"We should probably get you out of those rags and put that axe somewhere or at least disinfect it," the doctor suggested.

"Do you have anything in my size?" Xander asked handing the axe to Clint and removing the shreds of his shirt.

"Not standard," the doc admitted, "But a bed sheet made into a toga would be more presentable than your current attire."

"I am suffering a wedgie something fierce," Xander admitted reaching down and accidentally ripping apart the remains of his pants leaving him naked.

"Looks like moss," Clint snorted.

Xander looked down, "The important thing is it appears undamaged, I can dye the hair or just date vegetarians."

Clint laughed. "The newest trend to reduce mankind's carbon footprint is called going green."

Xander snickered as the doc lead him over to an exam table that was actually big enough for him. "You guys have this happen before?" Xander asked as he laid down.

"No, however I know of a couple of people your size or larger," the Doctor told him checking his eyes and mouth.

"Now, how does being on the swim team in high school means you can be thawed out like Captain America?" Clint asked.

"Our swim team coach was an insane Russian scientist who dosed us with… I think we just called it fish steroids. Anyway most of the team mutated into mindless, creature from the black lagoon, knock offs. I got a complete blood transfusion and was fine, except for a few side effects. I have a greater lung capacity than I should, heal a bit quicker, and I have an enzyme in my blood that is normally only found in fish that live under the polar ice caps."

The doc hit Xander's knee with a reflex hammer to no effect. He hit it harder, still unnoticed and frowned.

"Was he ever charged?" Clint asked, "Because the authorities tend to frown on that sort of thing."

"Sadly, he fell into a pit filled with his own creations and was eaten alive," Xander said cheerfully.

"Bet you don't see that every day," Clint said shaking his head.

"You'd be surprised," Xander said, thinking about the zookeeper.

The doctor hit Xander in the knee with a carpenter's hammer, but he still didn't notice.

"Do you have the doctor's number so we can get your file? It'll speed up the testing and get all of this done that much sooner," Clint said.

"Not off the top of my head," Xander said. "Just call Sunnydale General and they should direct you to the right doc."

"Sunnydale sank into the ocean," Clint told him.

"What?" Xander stared at him in shock.

"It was a couple of years ago," Clint told him. "The people started leaving and a week later the empty town was swallowed up, first by the earth and then by the sea."

"I always thought it would end in fire myself," Xander said, wondering how he could go and finding out if his friends had made it out.

Xander's right leg kicked and the two turned and looked at the doctor, who wiped sweat from his brow and set down a twenty pound sledge hammer. "Reflex's normal," he said, after catching his breath.

"Want me to run a check on where your family is?" Clint asked.

"No, but I would like to check on some friends," Xander said thoughtfully. "Got dial up?"

"Dial up?" Clint looked at him in shock for a second and laughed. "Technology has advanced far beyond dial up, but there is a whole lot of classified, not able to talk about, stuff we have to go through first."

"How about general surfing of the web to catch up on things?" Xander asked.

The doc sighed as his biggest needle didn't even scratch his skin.

"I'll have to monitor it, but I don't see why not," Clint said.

"The nurse will take your measurements and vitals while I requisition some special equipment," the doctor said.

A dark haired woman dressed in an identical white lab coat and carrying a clipboard smiled at him. "This way please."

A quick check showed Xander was now six foot, ten inches tall, weighted four hundred and twenty three pounds, and had arms too big for their blood pressure cuffs.

"Where does all the extra mass come from?" Xander wondered aloud, just before his stomach growled loud enough to almost make Clint go for a weapon.

"No idea," the nurse replied, "But I think we better feed you before your stomach devours itself."

"Or someone else," Clint added as it growled again, sounding remarkably like an annoyed pit bull.

**Typing by: AzureSky123**


	69. Chapter 69

**Stoppable? Not Hardly!**

"I understand," Ron said hanging up the phone. He sighed and rubbed his temples, not only did Kim break up with him for some brainless pretty boy, but he had the worst headache.

His parents were off… where the hell were they anyway? They'd been gone at least a week, but they'd been absent so much this year that he'd lost track. It seemed like every time he turned around they'd vanished again.

Four aspirin and a shot of Nyquil muted the pounding enough for him to sleep-

***BEEP BEEP BEEP***

-At least it had until his alarm went off. Ron stumbled downstairs and found Wade on his television. "Ron! I can't get ahold of Kim!"

"She's on a date," Ron said. "She's probably just turned off her Kimmunicator."

"Aren't you two…" Wade trailed off.

"She dumped me about…half an hour ago," Ron said after glancing at the clock.

Wade quickly switched to a more comfortable topic. "Drakken and Shego have stolen a weather dominator and are trying to take over Canada!" Wade exclaimed. "Global Justice has a jet enroute to pick up you and Kim. "

"I'll be ready, remember to send a communicator for me," Ron replied, shutting off the TV and going to use the bathroom. On his way back downstairs he picked up a yo-yo and his bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**Twenty Minutes Later…**

A trio of henchmen surrounded the jet's ejection seat before the parachute could even settle to the ground and captured Ron, dressed in pajamas, bath robe and fuzzy bunny slippers.

They quickly drug the half-awake teen to Dr. Drakken.

The blue skinned scientist looked at Ron in confusion. "Where's Kim Possible and why are you in your jammies?"

"Yeah, where's the princess?" Shego demanded.

"Out on a date," Ron replied with a yawn.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"-on a date," Stoppable said before letting out a huge yawn.

Dr. Director winced. "This is a disaster," she said as she watched the video feed that Drakken was broadcasting to make his demands.

"This is what comes from working with amateurs," Will Du said solemnly.

"Where the hell is Kim?" she demanded.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So you're here all alone?" Drakken asked with an evil grin.

"Yep, just me, myself and this grenade disguised as a yo-yo," Ron said pulling out a yo-yo and playing with it.

"What?" everyone screeched and stepped away from him.

"Relax, it'll only go off if-" The yo-yo snapped off the end of the string and rolled in a circle. "Uh oh."

"AHH! Grenade!" Everyone took cover but Ron who quickly stepped over the cowering Drakken and hit the self-destruct button.

"Sixty seconds to self-destruct!"

"Crap!" Shego cursed. "Abandon base!"

"What about the grenade?" Drakken demanded.

"Dud," Ron told them. "My yo-yo grenades are still on back order. I should have them by Tuesday."

"Curse you Kim Possible!" Drakken yelled before Shego drug him off.

Ron rolled his eyes and ignored the fleeing villains and their henchmen to use Drakken's coco maker.

"Thirty seconds to self-destruct!"

Hearing the familiar ring of Wade's communicator he pulled it out of his pocket. "Hey Wade, do I look like a Kim to you?"

"You have to get out of there!"

"Five seconds to self-destruct."

Ron reached over and pulled out the self-destruct button.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Send in the agents to secure the property and cut the feed," Dr. Director ordered.

Will Du stared at the screen in shock until she cleared her throat and he quickly jumped to obey her.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You were saying?" Ron asked before taking a sip of coco.

"Good job Ron," Wade said. "And…I'll have your yo-yo grenades ready on Monday."

"Thanks Wade. You know what? I think I'll claim salvage on this place."

"Actually you can only do that on property that's been partially destroyed or abandoned," the lead agent on the scene said as Global Justice's agents flooded the lair, ready to apprehend any remaining henchmen and remove the weather dominator.

"And since it's abandoned but intact it doesn't qualify?"

"Exactly," the agent agreed.

"Well who am I to argue the fine points of law with a federal agent," Ron said cheerfully setting his coco down on the self-destruct button. "Whoopsie," he deadpanned.

"Four seconds to total annihilation!" the speakers blared.

"Exceptions can be made!" the agent squealed.

Ron pulled out the button with two seconds to spare.

"I'm happy to hear that. Sorry for the attitude, but it's been one of those days. I'm going to grab the comfiest bed here and sleep 'til Monday."

"Yes sir," the agent said deciding to tread lightly around Stoppable until he was in a better mood.

Once Ron was gone a junior agent stepped up. "Sir, are we going to allow him to blackmail us like that?"

The senior agent chuckled. "He took the base with just a yo-yo while in his bathrobe. I'm willing to bet he'd let it blow up around him for the salvage rights. The only reason he stopped it was so we could recover the weather dominator and so he has less to repair himself. Despite what some people think the 'A' in agent doesn't stand for asshole."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"-for asshole."

The feed was finally cut and the director sighed. "Well the FCC will probably fine us, but the publicity did more for our PR than anything we've accomplished in the last three years."

"And Stoppable's actions?" Will asked.

"As an independent agent he has legal authority until formally relieved. Since everything happened before that occurred he's legally in the clear."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**

**AN: For some reason a lot of shows with a strong female lead tend to have a male sidekick they like to kick around. Personally, I think it's sexist and makes it look like the only way they can show a women standing tall is by cutting down all the men around her, but that's just me. I like to give the underdog a break which is why I tend to write about those characters. **


	70. Chapter 70

**Stoppable? Not Hardly! 2**

Ron woke when the lights came on and saw Shego staring at him in surprise. "Oops!" she muttered.

"Is this your room?" Ron asked as he sat up in bed and looked around at the way it was decorated and figured it was more Drakken's style.

"Even…no it's Drakken's but he left the payroll checks in his room so I told the henchmen I'd take care of it," Shego admitted before breaking out in a yawn.

"Can it wait until after breakfast?" Ron asked.

"Yeah," she admitted.

"Good," Ron got up. "Let me shower and make some omelets and then we'll find out where he left them."

"You seem to be taking this a lot easier than I'd imagined you would," Shego observed.

"This doesn't deal with world domination schemes or even someone being kidnapped," Ron pointed out. "This is about making sure the little guy gets paid. Of course I'm down with that."

"I'm going to go make coffee," Shego said, pleasantly surprised at how things were going.

**After his shower…**

Ron found the kitchen by following the sounds of violence and was surprised to find Will Du fighting Shego, both of whom paused as they saw the way he was dressed.

"Why are you dressed like Drakken?" Shego asked keeping her eyes on Will.

"I only brought a bathrobe and bunny slippers with me," Ron replied. "I needed something to wear and your outfits clash with my hair."

Shego snorted and even Will had to suppress a laugh.

"Why are the two of you fighting?" Ron asked to distract them while he got a cup of coffee.

"I was coming by to deliver the papers transferring ownership of this place to you when I found the wanted criminal Shego on the premises," Will explained.

"I was just defending myself," Shego said running over escape plans in her head.

"Shego is helping me drain Drakken's bank account so he has to raise more funds before he can commit any more crimes," Ron said, deciding that if you squinted just right the situation could look that way.

"That's still a crime," Agent Du said, though Shego and Ron both noticed he moved his fingers off the fire button of his Global Justice wristwatch Taser.

"Shego found a legal way to do it," Ron said sipping his coffee. "Tell him Shego."

Shego caught on to what Ron was planning and lowered her hands, extinguishing the plasma. "Drakken owes quite a bit to his henchmen which he's managed to escape paying by leaving the payroll checks to get blown up half the time, allowing him the use of these funds to scrape together enough for his next caper. If we can find and turn those checks over to the HenchCo, Jack Hench will move the money to the henchmen, leaving Drakken too broke to afford anything for a while."

"This would be in return for amnesty for recent crimes?" Will questioned.

"That was the plan," Ron quickly agreed. "We just need an agent to sign off on it. I was planning on calling the Director after breakfast."

"I'd be happy to handle the paperwork," Will said, just before his stomach growled.

"After breakfast," Ron said. "I'm making omelets."

**After Breakfast…**

Will picked up the box containing the checks and the paperwork Global Justice had faxed over for Shego to sign. "That was a wonderful breakfast Mr. Stoppable. I'll have everything filed by lunch. Miss Shego, a pleasure."

Shego waited until the door had closed behind the departing agent to turn to Ron. "That was the ballsiest thing I've ever seen!"

Ron grinned. "As they say in Hollywood, go big or go home."

Shego laughed. "And for once I've got a clean record so I can go on vacation without the police interrupting me."

"Wait and double check with Global Justice," Ron suggested. "The last thing you need is a vacation ruined by a paperwork SNAFU."

"You got a point there."

"Did Drakken have a Kim clone here?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, why?" Shego asked. "Planning on a dozen Slave Leia dressed Kim Possible orgy?"

Ron froze in place as his brain hit tilt. Shego's laughter broke him out of it a moment later. "You are either reading my diary or we have the same tastes."

"Hey!" Shego exclaimed, not having expected to have him turn it back on her.

"But seriously, can you do that with clones?" Ron asked.

"Probably," Shego said. "They are physically identical, just don't spill soda on them."

"Lead me to the cloner."

"Really?" Shego asked in shock.

"Everything but the orgy bit," Ron said. "We have some time to kill so we have Slave Leia Kim clones clean and fetch us drinks while we play Team Fortress 2 on the main screen."

"This week is turning out a lot better than I'd hoped."

**Later…**

"Did you just snipe me?" Ron exclaimed with a laugh as he waited to respawn and a Kim clone in the Princes Leia metal bikini dusted the end table next to the couch they were sitting on in the main chamber.

"I'm not playing under Green Goddess 69," Shego said. "I use Jolly Giant 138."

"138?" Ron asked.

"What you do to me I'll do to you twice as bad!"

Ron laughed and then turned to the Kim handing him a soda. "Hey Kim, why are you dressed like that?"

Shego glanced over. "Hey princess," she said before continuing her game.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't being held hostage or turned evil again," she admitted. "How did you know it was me?" she asked as she stopped pretending to be a clone.

"Clones don't blush?" Shego replied. "Boom, headshot!"

"And the reason they are all dressed that way?" she demanded.

"I blame Drakken," Ron said with a straight face, making Shego fall off the couch laughing.

"And how would you like it if I made a dozen Rons and dressed them as He-Man?" Kim growled, not buying it for a second.

Ron plucked out a hair and handed it to her. Refusing to back down Kim stamped off.

"I think you made her mad," Shego said amused.

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander," Ron replied unconcerned. "Besides she dumped me and was on a date with someone else ½ a second later, meaning she was cheating on me but didn't want to be caught doing it in public."

"Ouch," Shego said.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "So I won't make that mistake again!" He switched to the pyro and put on pyrovision goggles as his character ran around setting fire to the opposing team.

"Make what mistake again?" Kim asked, having caught the end of the conversation as she returned with a dozen Ron's in fur speedos.

"Looking good, Stoppable," Shego complemented him on seeing the clones and snickered as she saw how it angered Kim.

"Thanks, Shego," Ron said. "I generally cover it with baggy clothes, but I do in fact work out."

"It shows," Shego assured him making it obvious she was looking at his clone's abs. "One of you come over here and rub my feet."

Ignoring the clone of Ron that hurried over to remove Shego's boots, Kim asked again, "What mistake?"

"Us dating," Ron said shaking his head. His nose wrinkled up, waving to a couple of Kim clones he ordered, "You, bring some hot towels to wipe Shego's feet with and you clean and dry the inside of her boots. Hit it with some athlete's foot spray when you're done."

"I don't have athlete's foot," Shego complained.

"I know," Ron assured her. "But the bacteria that cause your feet to smell, die off quickly to that spray, plus it keeps you from getting it."

"Like using head and shoulders prevents dandruff," Shego said in understanding.

"Exactly," Ron agreed.

"I broke up with you!" Kim exploded.

"And?" Ron asked confused.

"That means I decided we shouldn't date," Kim said, exhausted after her outburst.

"And that means I can't have an opinion?" Ron asked.

"Umm, no," Kim admitted.

"Right," Ron said slowly. "Anyway, I always hated having smelly feet, so I did my homework and found out the key is three simple things, spray, clean socks, and when possible get boots that breathe."

"Or I could just cook my feet in plasma once a day," Shego said as a clone approached and wiped her feet down with a hot towel. "Ohh, that's nice."

"That doesn't help the boots, thought that probably prevents you from ever having athletes foot," Ron admitted.

"So, no problems?" Kim asked, trying to think of something to say and wondering why everything seemed so awkward now.

"We're good," Ron replied. "Hey, clones of me, help the clones of Kim dust the upper reaches, let them stand on your shoulders."

"This is so bizarre," Kim said as Shego moaned in pleasure. "Damn you rub good."

"I am a man of many talents," Ron said with mock modesty.

A familiar tone rang out on Ron's communicator. "Hey Wade, what's going on?" Ron said into his communicator. His jaw fell as he listened.

"What?" Kim asked.

"I'll need to hear that straight from Dr. Director," Ron said, ignoring Kim. "I have no problem doing it, but technically it is a crime, so I need to make absolutely certain it's on the up and up."

"Crime?" Shego asked curiously.

"Have her call me," Ron said before hanging up.

"Ron?" Kim asked.

Ron blinked and realized the two were waiting for answers. "Oh yeah, Global Justice tracked down the actual Crown Jewels of a small island nation that were stolen by the Germans during World War Two. Now the tricky part is even though they know where they are they can't just grab them because the way they got the information was both illegal and part of an undercover operation that would get people killed if word got out. And to make matters worse, the laws of that island say that the statute of limitations runs out in less than a month."

"So some Nazi is going to profit from his crime?" Shego demanded.

"His children," Ron replied. "The soldier in question died of old age a decade ago, leaving the jewels in a safety deposit box."

"And what does Global Justice want you to do?" Kim asked.

The main view screen changed to Betty Director, the head of Global Justice. "We want Mr. Possible and Rufus to rob a bank and steal them back."

Silence fell on the room.

Betty Director's one eye took note of everyone's manner of dress and the almost naked clones. "Did I interrupt an orgy?"

"No!" Kim exclaimed a solid red.

"There's a good explanation for everything," Ron assured her.

"Like the second Ron and Kim making out behind you?" Betty asked.

The three turned around and found a pair of clones making out and rubbing up against one another.

"I've got nothing," Ron told her. "Anyway, to get back on track you want me to rob a bank?"

"Yes," Betty agreed while Kim leapt behind the couch and tried to separate the two clones. "We'd like to do it so quietly so no one knows the gems were stolen until it's too late. That places our mole in a certain amount of danger, but shouldn't single them out."

"Me and Rufus could go in silently," Ron admitted.

"Watch the hands," Kim yelped as a metal bra flew off from behind the couch.

Shego did her best to pay attention to the conversation and watch Kim wrestle behind the couch they were sitting on.

"But?" Betty asked, noting the hesitation in his tone.

"Wouldn't it be less suspicious if we robbed the bank and the safety deposit box is just one of many robbed?" Ron said.

"There are a couple of other boxes we would like to get our hands on," Betty admitted.

"Good guys get to rob banks?" Shego asked in shock.

"Apparently," Ron agreed. "Want to help?"

"I just got my record cleared," Shego said with a sigh.

"So we make it look like you were someone pretending to be Shego and I'll toss on blue makeup and pretend to be Drakken," Ron replied. "They can hardly blame you for crimes committed by someone who was obviously just pretending to be you as she left smudges of green makeup behind and we pad your costume a bit so the criminal is heavier as well."

"And we're always called in to investigate crimes involving Drakken and Shego," Betty said slowly. "We can cover for any slip ups."

A red furred speedo flew out from behind the couch and Shego's eyes got wide, before noticing another pair of clones across the room had stopped dusting and started stripping.

"We'll need a list of safety deposit boxes so we can figure out which ones to hit to muddy the trail," Ron said. "But I'd say it's a go. Send a jet, we'll be ready in ten."

"Agreed, Director out," Betty said as the screen blanked.

Shego looked at Ron. "Two things, one get my approval before volunteering me next time and two, we need to clear the room now or we'll be here for hours."

Ron finally noticed the clones' behavior and the clothes being discarded. "The video cameras are recording all this aren't they?"

"Yes," Shego agreed dragging him off and dodging grabby clones until the door slid shut behind them.

"We left Kim in there," Ron pointed out.

"I can't see her helping with a bank robbery," Shego said. "And seriously if anyone needs it…"

Ron nodded. "Yeah, let's get in costume. We have a bank to rob."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	71. Chapter 71

**First Knight - 5**

"So, how'd you hook up with Solstice?" Dawn asked, as she opened the door to Xander's room so he wouldn't get blood on the handle.

"I met her while investigating the deaths of the previous... god knows how many, caretakers," Xander replied. "You see, this hellgate doesn't open to a bunch of hells like a normal hellgate, it opens to worlds so alien that demons avoid them."

"What does that have to do with dead caretakers?" Dawn asked.

Xander took off his shirt and used it to wipe off the blood he was splattered with. "It means all the people she empowers go insane and kill themselves and everyone else in the area."

"That puts a damper on any plans of getting them to open the hellgate," Dawn said, shaking her head.

"I'm not even sure she wants to open it," Xander replied. "We're so different from one another that I can't begin to guess at her thought processes. So far, she seems pretty content to tempt me and have me kill giant rodents, making as big a mess as possible."

"Maybe she just loves watching you clean," Dawn suggested.

Xander kicked off his shoes and walked into the other room to start the shower. "The hotel absorbs the blood," he said, speaking over the water. "By the time I'm out of the shower, the rat will be so dried out I can use it as kindling."

"That's why you weren't worried about leaving blood everywhere," Dawn said, moving to the doorway of the bathroom and watching Xander strip to his boxers while waiting for the water to heat.

"Yep," Xander replied easily. "Let me shower real quick and then you can tempt me over lunch."

"I could scrub your back," Dawn offered.

"In a rush?" Xander asked.

"No, but I thought I'd have more time alone with you," she admitted.

"I'm sure we'll find plenty of time in the next couple of months," Xander promised. "And you may want to put on more clothes."

"But I like the fact that you can't stop yourself from looking at me and you can't pretend I'm still the young girl you met as a teen," she replied, slowly turning around knowing he really couldn't stop himself from looking.

"And how does that apply less when you're fully dressed?" Xander asked.

"And you still know just what to say," she said, blushing. "I'll wait for you in your room and then we can get my luggage. I left it behind the front desk."

"OK. Off with you so I can shower."

"Fair warning, one day soon I will install a waterproof camera in your shower and then I will watch you shower on the big screen in the lobby."

Xander laughed and shooed her out.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Buffy glared at the phone. There was an evil clone of her sister wanting to do god knows what to Xander and no one else seemed to care! Just a quick mental inventory showed several incidents involving evil dopplegangers, Xander having sex, and ... and other stuff all ending badly!

"Are you alright?" Willow asked the fuming slayer.

"I'll be fine," Buffy replied, coming to a decision. "I'm just going to kill an evil clone before anyone gets any ideas."

"Erm, have fun?" Willow offered as Buffy stormed off.

Buffy followed Xander's blood stained foot prints to the elevator, thankful he'd left such easy to follow signs as she pushed the bloody button for the third floor. She rechecked her weapons as the elevator doors closed. The cross was probably useless, as was the holy water, but a stake in the heart should kill the doppleganger just fine. She found a stake in the heart killed most things.

Getting off on the third floor she was relieved to see that, though a bit fainter, his blood stained footsteps were still easy enough to follow and he was kind enough to have left some blood on the door knob, which made finding the right room child's play, even if he hadn't forgotten to close the door all the way. She readjusted her grip on the stake and reminded herself it wasn't her sister, just a demon with her appearance. Mentally braced to kill the demon, she slowly pushed the door open just wide enough to slip inside.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"We should help her," Kennedy suggested. "She may have been a kick ass as a slayer, but she's powerless at the moment."

"You're right," Willow agreed. "I'm a little distracted trying to figure out how to regain my power, or I'd have remembered that."

"Stake and cross," Kennedy said, handing extras to Willow.

"We better hurry," Willow said as they heard the elevator return to the lobby.

"Which floor?" Kennedy asked.

"Fifth," Willow said, pointing to the bloody fingerprint on the elevator panel.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Xander heard a thump from the room, but ignored it. Solstice found it amusing to interrupt Xander's showers using just auditory illusions, to see how little effort she could put into it. Plus, Dawn had pulled something similar while he was watching her for Joyce, which probably meant the monks thought it up and it never actually occurred.

He really wondered about those monks sometimes.

After a couple more thumps Xander decided to cut his shower short, just in case Dawn was in trouble; he'd gotten all the blood off anyway. Quickly drying off, he pulled on his boxers and opened the door to his room and stared in shock with his mouth open.

Dawn had Buffy pinned underneath her and was smacking her in the face with her own hands, saying, "Why're you hitting yourself? Why're you hitting yourself?"

"Dawn, stop torturing your sister," Xander said, trying not to laugh.

"The crazy bitch tried to stake me!" Dawn complained, getting off Buffy but keeping an eye on her.

"She's a demon!" Buffy exclaimed, quickly getting to her feet.

"No, she's your sister," Xander said, figuring the joke had gone on long enough.

"An evil clone of my sister!" Buffy snapped out, looking for where her stake went.

"No, she is half of your sister, having used the feral Gummy Bear, or whatever it was called, to split herself in two so she could sneak off without anyone noticing," Xander explained.

"How'd you know?!" Dawn asked wide eyed.

"It wasn't that hard to figure out," Xander told her. "Plus, I do have someone keeping an eye out for you guys and I got an email with your travel itinerary a month ago."

"What?!" Buffy grabbed her sister in a hug and started crying and apologizing, horrified at what she'd almost done.

"Help!" Dawn squeaked out as her sister squeezed her.

"Give her a minute, she'll recover," Xander promised.

Sure enough, almost a minute later Buffy released Dawn who fell to her knees gasping for breath. "What were you doing with my half-dressed sister?" Buffy demanded.

"Getting seduced," Xander said cheerfully, walking over to the door and grabbing a robe from the back of it.

Buffy fell silent, not sure how to reply to that.

"Let's go get our luggage," Xander told Dawn while retrieving his car keys. "I could use some clothes that aren't covered in blood."

"Show me around?" Dawn asked.

"Once we have pants," Xander agreed.

The pair walked to the elevator with Buffy following, still not sure what she should be feeling. Once they got to the lobby, they could all see the lobby looked spotless, if you ignored the desiccated remains of a three foot tall rodent.

Buffy gasped as she caught sight of Willow and Kennedy who were sitting on the couch looking traumatized and completely soaked in blood from head to toe.

"You went up to the fifth floor, didn't you?" Xander asked, amused.

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	72. Chapter 72

**2's A Crowd: Part 3 – Touched by an Angel**

**Part 1: More Fragments Chapter 25**

**Part 2: Yet More Fragments Chapter 52**

"I need two geeks!" Cordelia announced, stepping into the band room.

"Band geeks?" a chubby tuba player asked.

Cordelia frowned. "I need ones with high IQs and knowledge of how to kill unkillable monsters."

"Ohhhh!" nearly the entire room chorused.

"That would be anime and roleplaying games," the tuba player said. "Try the AV room, they hang out there at lunch."

"Thanks," Cordelia said, before turning and walking out.

"What was that about?" Harmony asked, having just caught the tail end from the hall.

"I need to kill something, but it's complicated," Cordelia said, barely paying attention.

"Does this have to do with Xander cheating on you with Buffy?!" Harmony exclaimed, looking for gossip.

"That's not Xander," Cordelia replied.

Harmony paused. "Does he have, like, multiple personalities or something? Because there was also that other time he wore leather, but not like he is now, and he totally hit on me!"

"That was more a Jackal and Hyde thing," Cordelia misquoted. "This is someone else taking his place while he's gone."

"Well, his replacement is taller and has more muscles," Harmony said, spotting Buffy and Angel at her locker. "He also dresses better and is a bit handsomer."

Cordelia roller her eyes and opened the AV room door, flipping on the lights and disrupting their scheduled anime viewing. "I need two geeks who know how to kill an unkillable monster," Cordelia announced.

"For what?" a boy wearing glasses and a Pokémon t-shirt asked.

"What kind of monster?" asked another.

"Looks like a giant blue human with armor. It's called the Judge and can burn the humanity out of people," Cordelia said as she thought about what she knew.

"We need a bit more than that." A fat kid snorted.

"It's demonic, was once dismantled by an army several hundreds of years ago," Cordelia added.

"No hints or clues?" Andrew asked.

"No weapon forged by man can kill it," Cordelia said as she remembered their talking about it.

"Ahhhh!" the geeks chorused.

"Get a weapon forged by a woman!" several clamored.

"Dwarven weapons!" several others argued.

"It has to be something I can physically lay my hands on in a day or two," Cordelia said firmly. "I don't have the time to forge anything, and I'm pretty sure man means mankind."

This actually captured the group's attention, and discussions went back and forth.

"Can you get ahold of explosives?" Andrew asked.

"I need something that works, that can't be traced back to me," Cordelia said. "If I used explosives the cops will be all over it."

"Thermite," Jonathan said suddenly.

"Thermite?" Cordelia asked.

"I saw that episode of MacGyver!" Andrew squeaked excitedly. "Aluminum dust and rust mixed together and set off, burns hot enough to melt steel!"

"And how do we get it on the demon without getting burned ourselves?" Cordelia asked.

"We'd need to experiment a bit to figure that part out," Jonathan admitted.

"How long?" Cordelia demanded.

"With all the tools and supplies we'd need…at least a couple of days," Andrew offered.

Cordelia nodded and took her pocketbook out of her purse, yanked out a stack of bills and handed them to Jonathan. "Make sure it works. If you need anything, let me know."

"O-Ok," Jonathan stuttered in surprise as Cordelia turned and left.

"Dude, what just happened?" one of the guys asked.

"Apparently, Cordelia LARPs, and they are really picky about realism." Andrew said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

There was a crash and Cordelia awoke to find a nude redhead with wings standing next to her bed and smiling at her.

"This better not mean I'm attracted to Willow," Cordelia muttered.

"Hello, I'm…" the angel paused for a second, thinking. "I'm Rose," she decided as she introduced herself.

"Good morning, evening, whatever," Cordelia said. "I'm Cordelia, what can I do for you?"

"I was spending time with Xander and he mentioned you have a prior claim on him," Rose explained. "Anyway, I finally got my turn to be given the sex talk from him and I was wondering if you'd mind if I made love to him."

Cordelia decided to be firm with her subconscious lesbian desires. "Any sex with Xander will only occur with my active participation."

Rose beamed. "Wonderful! I was worried that I would make a mistake and do something wrong, but you can help me. Would you like me to get Xander now?"

"Sure." Cordelia agreed, figuring she could use a good Xander sex dream, even it was a threesome. She was a bit surprised she was this kinky, but was mainly just relieved it wasn't going to be Willow with them.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Buffy, you might want to go at least a little easier on things with Angel around school," Willow suggested.

"Errr, I thought I was," Buffy said, feeling a bit guilty for taking advantage of the situation (not that she'd admit it,) and having skipped a class or two for some private time in the janitor's closet with Angel.

"Cordelia's so upset she hasn't been sleeping well," Willow said. "I saw her nod off in two different classes."

Buffy winced. "OK, I'll dial it back a lot in public."

"I just got suspended," Angel announced as he entered the library.

"What?!" Willow asked with a shout.

"Apparently, I've missed too many classes, and failed too many assignments," Angel admitted.

"So you got suspended because of Xander." Buffy scowled.

"No, these are all recent," Angel admitted.

"But he's a slacker and you're…" Buffy trailed off.

"He takes the same courses as Willow and I'm completely unfamiliar with a lot of the material," Angel admitted.

"Xander just likes to complain a lot," Willow said. "I think it's mostly habit."

The door to the library opened and an exhausted looking Cordelia stumbled in. "Where's Giles? I have to ask him about sex demons."

**AN: Typed by Elrod Albino! Written by Dogbertcarroll! And having nothing to do with Spike Milligan!**


	73. Chapter 73

**A Slip of the Tongue**

Ranma was flipping through channels, looking for anything interesting when Akane smacked him in the head with a pillow.

***WHAP***

"Just leave it on one channel already!" Akane complained.

Ranma sighed, bored out of his mind, and left it on the Scientific Future channel, where a scientist was explaining why forcefields were impossible. "- the energy would have to know what to do and follow those instructions like an autonomous entity," he explained while cleaning his glasses, "and that's clearly impossible."

Ranma stared at the screen in shock. Was that the key to creating a ki shield? He'd been considering asking Cologne for Breaking Point training to help keep his medical bills down, but with a ki shield... actually, if he worked on the shield during his training, it would be even more effective.

Having made his decision he stood up.

"Where are you going, boy?" Genma asked curiously, as he recognized the look of a Saotome in insane training idea mode.

"I-" Ranma paused as he considered what he was going to say.

If he admitted to going on a training trip, the fathers would insist Akane go and between her cooking and attempts to copy him, he'd have no time to actually learn anything but new first aid techniques. But what could he say to repel her enough to make the fathers' attempts useless?

As was often the case, Ranma's brain analyzed the situation, determined a response, and sent it to the mouth completely bypassing the brain-to-mouth filter, "Since it's summer, I have enough time to learn the breaking point training from the old Ghoul," Ranma replied. "Of course, Cologne is going to send Shampoo through it to try to build a stronger connection between us, but that just simplifies things, since you know what a perv I am. So, basically training and banging Shampoo every night."

Everyone froze in shock at the words that came out of Ranma's mouth.

"With my stamina, I'm probably going to have to nail every girl in the area, so if any of you girls decide to come along, better bring condoms," Ranma finished before vanishing upstairs to pack before he realized what he'd said. Of course, once he'd realized what he'd said and how he was going to have to back up his boast, he vanished in a blur of a speed that would leave a cheetah in the dust.

**Meanwhile downstairs...**

Akane looked like a statue and her pet pig P-chan couldn't even tell if she was breathing. Nabiki meanwhile had dropped the cracker she'd been nibbling on and was looking for a place to take cover from the inevitable explosion.

Kasumi smiled cheerfully as if nothing unusual was going on and said thoughtfully, "He always forgets to pack extra socks and undershirts. Now, where did I store my tent?"

Nodoka smiled inwardly as Kasumi went upstairs to pack and Akane fell over in a dead faint. Meanwhile two ninja snuck out to inform their mistresses of Ranma's plans.

"Replace all of Kasumi's birth control with tic tacs," Genma ordered Soun.

"What?" Soun asked in shock.

"It's the only way," Genma told him. "Akane will never go for it and Nabiki is... Nabiki, but if we play our cards right, than Ranma and Kasumi could end up joining the schools before the summer ends."

"M-my Kasumi?!" Soun exclaimed in shock.

"Has made her decision," Genma told him.

"She has, hasn't she?" Soun replied, beginning to smile.

"Kasumi isn't on the pill," Nabiki offered, too in shock to even ask for payment.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Cologne answered the door only to find a nervous Ranma. "Son in law?" she asked, curious about what could be upsetting him.

"Erm, I need your help," he admitted. "See, I need breaking point training, and I may have claimed I'd be banging every girl in the area while we trained, especially Shampoo, to keep Akane from interfering."

It was hard to surprise Cologne, three hundred years exposes you to a lot of different events, yet still Ranma managed it… regularly. "I don't think Shampoo would object," she offered. "So, what's the problem?"

"I've never... and I've got to be the best," he stammered out.

Cologne nodded. "I have Amazon techniques and training for that too."

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


End file.
